9.17.2004

exes....

in the last week...three of my exes have called me...straight out of the blu...

what is it? can they just sense my happiness and satisfaction with my life or what?

i have not talked to my ex-husband in more than two years and before that hadn't talked to him in three years. my question to him....what in DAHELL are you calling ME for?...he just wanted to hear a friendly voice...

then...the knucklehead that i spent $2,000 visiting in KOREA (of all the godforsaken places on earth)...calls me and is like...i want to come visit you in atlanta...i've been thinking about you and missing you and just want to see you...my response...whatevuh, nigga (and i don't even LIKE that word)....

lastly...my most recent ex...calls to tell me that he REALLY wants to see me...that regardless of what i think that he doesn't have a "rotation" and that he's really been thinking about me and oh, by the way...can i make about six copies of a 60 page document for him?...my reply...beat it, bozo...well, not quite in those words...but i think he got the hint...

negroes...STAY DAFUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!!!

can't you feel me knowing that i don't need you in my life anymore?
don't you realize that when you walked away from me that i would cease to need you?
does it occur to you that you no longer occupy space in my thoughts and that i no longer give you any energy because you're not worth it?
why do you take my forgiving nature for a sign that i would even consider allowing you in my life?
should i act like a bitter bitch when you call me to make you realize that your lame attempt at flirting is a waste of your breath and my life?
can't we just CALL it friends and LEAVE it at that?
we don't have do really BE friends, do we?

9.14.2004

what i don't want...

i don't want to be...
cheated on...
abused physically, mentally or sexually...
taken for granted...
disrespected...
excluded from major decisions...
lied to....
left alone...
smothered...
wonder about your feelings for me...
excluded from your life...
kept away from your friends and family...
have my confidence to be seen as an attack on your manhood...
sexually unfulfilled...

i don't want to feel like...
i can't depend on you....
i can't trust you...
i have to choose between you and my friends....

i want to be...
needed...
shown love unconditionally...
spoiled...
communicated with...
praised on my good qualities...
gently criticized on my bad...
comfortable being just little ol' me when i am with you, no bullshit, no pretenses....

i want you to meet me where i am...

9.13.2004

just rambling...

life is good...in fact, life is great!!!

i have little to complain about right now...i am thankful to god that i walk in his favor...i am grateful that he is merciful and full of grace...he knows that i REALLY need that...

i'm still not feeling my mother and my brother from the stress THEIR issues were causing in MY life last week...so...i'm giving them a WIDE berth this week and probably next week too....family...i tell ya....

blu and i doing wonderfully....he is the most exciting person...i'm not sure where we will end up...but i know that he and i will always be great friends because he has a beautiful spirit....

work is fine...boring...but fine...actually, with what they pay me, boring is good...make a lotta money to do very little...god REALLY is good...

i'm in awe of him....really...

i'ma kill THAT DAMN DOG...he's taken up a habit of leaving me gifts on my living room carpet...but then...i have to take some of the responsibility...i'm trying to change his eating schedule...i'll give him a few weeks before he becomes a homeless dog...

enough rambling...let me do some of what they pay me to do...

9.10.2004

welcome back...

in the words of pastor/rapper mason bethea....

welcome back...
welcome back...
welcome back...

and for those of you never left...thanks for coming again...

it's 6:00a.m. and i am sitting in my office at the computer wearing the red robe that matches the decor in my bedroom and a black bandana while sipping a zero calorie fruit-2-oh and trying to come alive and shake the sleep from my eyes...wondering what in DAHELL am i going to talk to you guys about this morning...but since i ramble so well...i figured that i would just close my eyes and type whatever conversations the little people in my head are having this morning...

so...i'm sitting here thinking about what i am going to do today...what i am going to do this weekend...am i really going to finish my laundry this weekend?...or will monday morning find me with renewed resolve to do a load a day until it's done?...need to get my truck washed...i'm having lunch with someone i've come to know rather well...looking forward to that...NEED to get to church on sunday...and THAT DAMN DOG really needs to be taken to be groomed...

i'm also sitting here giving some thought to my life's concerns...my family, my bills and my budget, the maintenance my truck needs and a few other things i'm juggling...

but...wait...that's ALL of those topics are way TOO heavy for a friday morning...so i am going to head all THAT off at the pass...thinking only happy thoughts...ESPECIALLY since as shug decrees that friday's are by damn we'll be happy day...

so...let's be happy...besides...you really do control your attitude...

9.02.2004

peace...be still

it seems as if i live a life of constant motion...always moving...always something to do...somewhere to be...somebody to follow up with...a bill to pay...a meeting to attend...laundry to do...yard to mow...and on and on and on...i often feel like i am so caught up in life...that i am not living...

i recently participated in a women's forum...one of the topics that came out of the discussion is that we are so busy trying to simply survive that we often cannot grow spiritually...not b/c we are not a spiritual people...but...b/c we don't have adequate time to focus on spiritual things...

u'v all seen the email that a busy life is the trick of the enemy...i am tired of living life on fast forward....while all the time...feeling like i am running in place...

i feel like i am busy going thru the motions...i want to get busy living...

what would i do if my day to day survival did not depend on me staying in bed until the last minute...jumping up to rush out into the rush hour and work someone else's J-O-B...that keeps me Just Over Broke?..how would i re-define success if all things financial were taken out of the equation?..

for the longest time...i used to say that i just wanted to be happy...now i know that what i truly seek is joy on a daily basis...happiness can be empty...it can be shallow...it can be fleeting...joy consumes u...i want live a life filled w/ joy...i want to find time in my life to just stand still...to just be...where i can connect w/ my inner self...hear from my creator...and exist at that place called there...

but right now...i gotta get dressed and take my ass to the office...