6.30.2005

WTF?

Don't ask how I found this link.

Ask why it even exists. Actually, I found it this morning when I was looking for the correct spelling of the word 'ese' - pronounced essay...and my need for the correct spelling of 'ese' was prompted by brutha code and his way out there @$$.

But really who in DAHELL has time to put something like this together? And keep it updated? Notice the references to Tony Soprano and FUBU.

Boy, I tell ya'. This ish you can find online.

6.28.2005

the fat smelly kid in the third grade...

y'all remember him?

he wore husky sized clothing and his dingy shirt always rolled up over his belly fat as his pants hung down to reveal his butt crack...

his breath smelled like stale bologna and for some reason, even after getting caught in a mid afternoon downpour, he still looked like he needed to be dunked in the washing machine and put on the heavy duty cycle with the extra rinse...

his hairstyle swung between two extremes...uncombed nappy @$$ bee-dee-bee's and being skinned 'til his scalp was raw...

he never had money for blow pops or field trips and for lunch he would bring vienna sausages and graham crackers...

and his only friend was the retarded cross eyed girl with freakishly big head...

6.27.2005

the definition of insanity...

in·san·i·ty (noun) - doing the same things repeatedly expecting different results each time.

It's official. I am insane.

Why else would I get up this morning and eat the same sandwich for breakfast, drive the same route to the same 9 to 5, listening to the same radio station, thinking the same thoughts and think that I would be any happier today than I was on Friday when I did this?

Why else would I think that people I know who I used to call friend would be accepting of all of who I am? I mean, really, there are some things about myself that I don't like. Why in west Hell would I expect others to like them?

Why else would I expect that loving him is enough to cause him to love me in the same way? Shouldn't I have known that the work that would be required to build upon this foundation would sometimes be thankless and routine and seem less than rewarding?

I must be insane. Because I am not learning the lessons that the Universe keeps bashing me over the head with. I am not moving into a new and heightened reality full of bliss. I want joy to be a familiar experience not a few fleeting moments of sunshine in an existence filled with dark clouds and stormy days.

But maybe, that's all there is...I certainly don't want to think so, but maybe. And maybe, I'm not insane after all. Maybe the insanity of my reality is actually normality but because I don't recognize it, what looks like crazy on an ordinary day is really sanity defined.

6.24.2005

last year - 1985
this year - 2005

last month - january
this month - june

yesterday - monday
today - friday

last night - this morning
this morning - a week from now

6.23.2005

It's Midnight

It's midnight and I am missing him.

I awake, finding myself alone.

Wondering if i occupy that space in the middle of his mind.

I am remembering his kisses.

If I could define a perfect kiss, it would be his.

I am still feeling the connection.

I am longing for the touch of his hand.

Eager for the sound of his voice.

If I could paint a dream, it would be this reality.

If I could outline a fantasy, it would be this truth.

I close my eyes and think back to the place where today danced with yesterday.

I inhale the scent of tomorrow's lovemaking. It smells like sunshine.

God kissed me this morning and held my hand the whole day through.

He brought me to this place painted with thoughts of him.

He is the lover of my soul. I am the lover of him.

It is midnight and I am missing him.

and i was blasted...

disclaimer: i am going to share something that happened this past friday...just for the record, i ain't mad...i'm just sharing...hell...in a way...i got exactly what i deserved...so...as i often say...it is what it is...it's gone be what it's gone be...and i'ma let it do what it do...

i blog around the world...i'm addicted to blogging...and i participate in a number of them on the regular...and as it often happens...i have developed some really cool 'real' friends that i met in a virtual world...

the most important group is a ragtag bunch of blog addicts who meet daily in our proboards forum...we discuss everything from the news of the moment...to relationship experiences, sex included, childhood memories, workplace stress, car problems, idiot friends and so on...sometimes...the discussions are funny or enlightening, eyeopening, educational, heated and every other thing that you can think a human experience would be...

well...on friday...a topic of discussion took an unexpected turn...it went south...and then...went straight to hell soaked in gasoline draws sitting in a handbasket...

but...i learned something...all of what people say they think of you...ain't all that they think of you...

and this is what i learned that someone thinks of me and certain situations in my life...

i must admit...this tirade came after i put her on blast for something that she had shared with me off-blog...

her response:

And if you really want to go there:

What about how you tried to make it seem like you saw the 'light' and decided to sell your house when you were already 3 months behind in your mortgage - they were about to foreclose on that house anyway. But I let that slide...

Then you get fired from your job, paint it like God has made it so you can work on your book and that you were going to live off of unemployment, when apparently all wasn't well while you were taking work naps and working 4 hour days and claiming 8 because they denied your claim - NOW you decide to get up off your lazy ass and look for work.

All I've tried to do was help you and you try to put me on front street.

Nah, nah, nah - just pay me the $500 that you owe me and get to stepping out of my life - and if you don't pay me back $500 is worth knowing that someone I was going to let in my inner circle ain't worth a damn.

now...everybody knows how effed up she sees my life to be...

and now we have the truth...

i'll admit it...i got MOST of my business put on blast and got my feelings hurt...but it just goes to prove that none of us are ever 100% honest with any of us...like i said earlier...

if that was really the view of my situation, decisions, circumstances and if you love me so much that you tell me the truth about how you see through my bullshit...why not just call it bullshit when you saw it as such?

cause it ain't all bullshit and it certainly ain't all love...

but what it really boils down to is that nobody wants honesty especially when your brand of it is not pretty...when it's gritty and nasty and it comes in a way that you can no longer tell yourself pretty lies to hold onto your sanity...

but at the same time...most people don't want to be THAT honest...

6.21.2005

coming to terms...

i have finally come to terms with the fact that i am...at times...an @$$hole...

i am not always the shining example of goodness and light...i don't always make good decisions...and sometimes...i try to paint pretty pictures (insert lies, here) for others AND myself about the issues that i have in my life...

i finally realize that for as much as i would like to think that i am d@mn near perfect...i am not always a good daughter, sister, friend, lover, partner, employee, citizen, christian believer and so on...

i realize that from time to time...i do things that cause me to question my own beliefs and that sometimes challenge my own sense of integrity and defy my own definition of morality...

i can admit that i have insisted that others hold themselves to standards that i cannot always hold mySELF too and while being harshly criticial of others...i have given myself a wide berth...

there are decisions that i have made in my past that i am not proud of...things that i have done that were not *totally* lawful (and i'm not giving specifics)...

i have come to terms with the fact that every criticism is not a personal attack although i have taken often taken them as such...because...sometimes...it's hard to tell the difference...

i have come to terms with the fact that there is a lot that i have to come to terms with...

6.17.2005

i'm not a writer...

I'm not a poet.

I'm a scribbler, a rambler - from time to time, I get diarrea of the brain and you guys get to see all of the $#!+ that leaks out.

It's after midnight. I should be asleep, but as it stands, I am sitting in my armchair with my feet propped up on my ottoman. I am naked, but wrapped in the red mink blanket. I love how the blanket feels against the skin of my @$$. It's an erotic feeling feeding into the grown woman sexy urges that I am feeling as I sit here with my trusty laptop allowing thoughts to discharge.

You know, I started blogging a year ago because at the time, I was feeling my talent - because I thought I had so much clever $#!+ to say. Truth is that I'm not that d@mn talented and I am really less than clever. I don't have a lot of profound wisdom to share with you. There are few lessons to be learned from the conversations that go on between the little people that exist in the prison of the grey matter between my ears. This is not an examination or an exploration of the inner part of who I am. I don't feel a need to bare my soul or vent or anything.

I just like to type. I like reading what I write and if there's anybody out there, that reads this madness and can find something that catches their attention long enough to find entertainment or inspiration or hell, even a way to waste a few minute of their lives, they are welcome to visit my little corner of the web. Come in sit a spell. Take a look around. Enjoy the sites.

Y'all come back now, ya' hear?

6.16.2005

remembering charlotte...

one of my close friend lost one of her close friends and that made me think about charlotte...i miss her...losing charlotte was hard...

i am still young enough that the death of my friends is not something expected...we have not lived through to the golden years...our children are barely in or out of grade school, for those of us that have any...we don't have grandchildren...we still work full time, retirement is not just around the corner...we don't qualify for senior citizens discounts and aarp are just a bunch of letters that apply to our grandparents and MAYBE our parents...

so...when i lost charlotte...i was not prepared...i know that life's cycles bring about change...and that all of my minutes on this earth were numbered from the time that god breathed his breath into my body...but to see another reach the end of their time before their time...well...

i just wanted to take a moment to remember her...

charlotte's poem
i’m touching your forehead to mine…

trying to read you’re thoughts…
i keep hearing the question “Why?”…

my heart is beating in the same rhythm as yours and feeling the same pain…

i comfort you and we breathe the same breath…

and our tears flow to the same spot…

and we are remembering…

6.15.2005

it's official...

we're a couple...

sJea's gotta man...just like chante...how 'bout that?

and now i'm sure you ask...where in DAHELL did sJea get a man from?

it's a long story...and i will have to come back when i have more time and give you guys some background...but for now...just know that my 'sweetie' and i made a decision that we are a couple...

we were on the phone last night and he asks me, "so, what are we?"

i respond to the question in my typical fashion, with a question, "well, what do you want us to be?"

he laughs and says, "no, you're not getting away with that one. i asked you first."

after a bit of hemming and hawing (where does that phrase come from?), i said to him, "all i know is that since i really started paying attention to who you are and the things you say to me and the way you explain your feelings for me, all i think about is you...i only want to talk to you...i only want to see you...i only want to be with you..."

he responded, "well, i feel the same way...talking to you, laughing with you, being close to you and just knowing you is like a fulfillment for me...and i just want to know how you see this thing going from here. should i take myself off the market? do we stop interacting with other people. what are we going to do? i think given the situation, we should make some decisions. are we a couple?"

at that point, i told him, "i don't want us seeing other people. i don't want you 'on the market'. so, yes...we are a couple."

and we both agreed that it felt good to be a couple...

because it was after midnight...we got off the phone shortly after that...a few minutes later...i got a text message...it was from him...

it said, "i miss you fruitcake"...maybe he ALREADY knows me a bit too well...

but it does feel good...

6.14.2005

reflecting...

okay...so i'm setting up this post with the thought that i have something really profound to share with you guys this morning...and that's really not the case at all...

i just know that i'm glad today is a new day...and as i say every morning when i get up...this is the day that the lord has made...i WILL rejoice and be glad in it...i say this daily...even when i am not feeling it...in the hopes that some where during the course of THAT day...i will find a moment of joy...

i am in a slightly reflective mood for a moment this morning...thinking back over some of the decisions that i have made and the places along my journey that my choices have taken me...

every place has not been delightful...hell, some places have been downright terrifying...but each encounter, each incident, each occurence, each victory, each defeat, each triumph, each failure, each day, each hour, each minute and every second has left a mark on my memory to color in the lines of my character...and in some instances, my character(S) - plural...

and i like me and my character and character(S)...so...if i had to do it all over again...

i guess...i'd just do it...

6.13.2005

what the cat drug in...

Sybil:
look what the cat done drug in...

well...i'll be damned...a post from the MIA scribbler responsible for this little piece of real estate on the world wide web...

sJea:
a'ight, sybil...dang, y'all know sometimes i REALLY can't stand sybil's @$$...but...she is such a vital part of my personality that i don't know what i would do without her...on second thought...it stands to reason that i would probably be certified insane for real after being committed to an instititution run by the charter corporation by some of my concern friends and distraught relatives...

speaking of which...the charter corporation is EVERY where...proof that crazy ain't regional...it's all over the place...when i was in florida...it was charter woods...when i was in indiana...it was charter hospital...when i was in savannah...it was charter by the sea (which incidentally makes me think of a psyche ward full of charlie the tuna's)...and just lake week my girl, emo made mention of the name of the charter hospital here in metro atlanta...

enough of that...as you guys can clearly see...this morning...i am rambling...which is why i need to blog regularly so that all of the stuff that has been on my mind doesn't come pouring out of my mind all at one time...making me seem to be a possible candidate for admittance to a charter institution...and plus...ALL my doggone blog friends are blogging now...and i've got to keep up...

6.08.2005

because i play for the love of the game...

several times a week from early april until the weather is too cold for me to be out for fear of frostbite...i suit up and head to the ballpark to play out major league dreams that were unconsciously instilled in me as a child in front of my grandmother's television...EVERY night during the summers at MY madea's house baseball was on...

i grew up watching players like dale murphy and ozzie smith and ron gant (obviously she was a braves fan)...and i fell asleep many nights lying on the rug in front of the television to sound of bats cracking and crowds roaring...never REALLY appreciating that is does take SOME skill to do what they do and make it look so good and so easy...

now...as an adult in search of activities to keep me active with the intent of keeping me healthy and limber...i find myself drawn to a game that is one of america's greatest pastimes...we americans have a love affair with the leather, the wood and the diamond...

there is something about a spring evening with a soft breeze blowing that is not complete without the smell of freshly mowed fields, newly chalked baselines and standing in the outfield smelling the leather from your glove feeling the sweat roll down your back as you anticipate the fly ball or the line drive from an opponent's bat...

god i love america and i love baseball, hot dogs, apple pies and chevrolet (well, maybe not chevrolet)...and yes i LOVE winning...but most important....


i love you guys and i love this game...