10.27.2005
10.20.2005
growth.healing.gratitude.
the only thing constant in the world is change...
i release all disappointment from my mental, physical, spiritual and emotional body cause i know that the spirit guides me and love lives inside me...
thankful for relaxation, complication, hibernation and irrational seclusion , confusion, allmy impurity and insecurity cause i know it's just god perfecting me...
that's.why.
today.
i.take.life.as.it.comes.
india.said.it.
10.18.2005
new year's resolution....
it's my berf'day...and for me...it's a new year...
i woke up this morning...thinking...wow, i'm 33...that's how old jesus was when he died..and whereas i my life looks nothing like i want it to right now...i am very much excited by the possibilities and fortunate enough and blessed enough to have a clean slate...in other words...i haven't made many mistakes that i can't come back from...
i am really grateful to god that i am in good health...
i am damned glad that i don't have kids...i admire those who are single parents and who are getting it done...i'm just relieved that i don't have that responsibility to carry...
i don't have MAJOR debt...some debt, yes...but nothing major...no student loans...no hospital bills or anything like that...
i have a relatively low cost of living...although... i am still living very much check to check...i can pay all of my bills...thanks to the cost of gas...i don't have any money left...but hey...the bills are paid...i have food to eat...and gas to get back and forth to work...and with the part time jobs that i am working...i am beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel...hey...before too long...i'll be able to start back paying tazzee that money i owe her...
my truck is in good condition...yes...there are a few minor things that need attention...and that i will be giving attention to before they become major...but...for now...it's getting me from point a to point b...and i can see the light at the end of the tunnel...
i am especially grateful that my mom is a licensed cosmetologist and that my aunt is one hell of a braid artist (as she calls herself)...they keep my do done without me having to spend that $45 to $50 a week that i used to give tracy ER' week to do my hair...but then again...i was making $60G at the time...(and don't even get me started on all the money i used to throw away back then...that's a whole nother blog and a whole nother oprah)...
and i could go on with more things that i am grateful / thankful / appreciative / relieved about / glad for and so on...
right now...my number one resolution for my life is to enjoy it...daily...
funny...in ways i think of myself as at exactly the same point that i was when i came out of high school...with my entire life ahead of me and with endless possibilities...
and there's more here...i'll get back to it...
i woke up this morning...thinking...wow, i'm 33...that's how old jesus was when he died..and whereas i my life looks nothing like i want it to right now...i am very much excited by the possibilities and fortunate enough and blessed enough to have a clean slate...in other words...i haven't made many mistakes that i can't come back from...
i am really grateful to god that i am in good health...
i am damned glad that i don't have kids...i admire those who are single parents and who are getting it done...i'm just relieved that i don't have that responsibility to carry...
i don't have MAJOR debt...some debt, yes...but nothing major...no student loans...no hospital bills or anything like that...
i have a relatively low cost of living...although... i am still living very much check to check...i can pay all of my bills...thanks to the cost of gas...i don't have any money left...but hey...the bills are paid...i have food to eat...and gas to get back and forth to work...and with the part time jobs that i am working...i am beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel...hey...before too long...i'll be able to start back paying tazzee that money i owe her...
my truck is in good condition...yes...there are a few minor things that need attention...and that i will be giving attention to before they become major...but...for now...it's getting me from point a to point b...and i can see the light at the end of the tunnel...
i am especially grateful that my mom is a licensed cosmetologist and that my aunt is one hell of a braid artist (as she calls herself)...they keep my do done without me having to spend that $45 to $50 a week that i used to give tracy ER' week to do my hair...but then again...i was making $60G at the time...(and don't even get me started on all the money i used to throw away back then...that's a whole nother blog and a whole nother oprah)...
and i could go on with more things that i am grateful / thankful / appreciative / relieved about / glad for and so on...
right now...my number one resolution for my life is to enjoy it...daily...
funny...in ways i think of myself as at exactly the same point that i was when i came out of high school...with my entire life ahead of me and with endless possibilities...
and there's more here...i'll get back to it...
10.17.2005
out of the blu....
funny that you showed up today in a place where you knew i would be...
funnier still that i had just spoken your name only hours before...
funny...but pleasant...
nice to see you in my in-box...
nicer still to have you dial my number today...
nice and needed...
good talking with you...
great to make tentative plans to see you...
not in anticipation of picking up where we left off...
but in an effort to stengthen a friendship's foundation that was barely laid...to become reacquainted with a lovely spirit and an old soul...and to again laugh with you...
because it is your laughter that i remember best...each chuckle a gift bringing joy...
and just at the point where the lazy, hayze days of summer are drawing to a close...you show up...out of the blu....
funnier still that i had just spoken your name only hours before...
funny...but pleasant...
nice to see you in my in-box...
nicer still to have you dial my number today...
nice and needed...
good talking with you...
great to make tentative plans to see you...
not in anticipation of picking up where we left off...
but in an effort to stengthen a friendship's foundation that was barely laid...to become reacquainted with a lovely spirit and an old soul...and to again laugh with you...
because it is your laughter that i remember best...each chuckle a gift bringing joy...
and just at the point where the lazy, hayze days of summer are drawing to a close...you show up...out of the blu....
10.13.2005
sometimes i feel like a motherless child........
this is a post that i've been wanting to write for quite some time...but i've been putting it off for my fear of deep water coupled with my inability to swim...and because a lot of times...truth is not pretty...in fact...most often...it's awfully goddamned ugly....
i have great affection for my mother...affection...really...there is too much resentment and anger that stands between for me to allow her into that place of love...
i am the daughter of a teenage mother...when my mother received her high school diploma i was present as a very pronounced lump under her white commencement gown...i would be born in the back room at my grandmother's house five months later...
a year later...my mother decided that she wanted to have a life...that she wanted to improve herself...that she wanted a career and a future...and i don't blame her...not for wanting those things...i blame her for not including me in this wonderful life that she saw for herself..
sometimes...i wonder what went on in the mind of the 19year old child that she was at the time...did she have the same fearlessness of life that i had when i was 19? what were her innermost thoughts? how did she really feel about leaving this child behind? was it her intention to get settled and return for this little very brown bundle? or had it been her plan all along to abandon this child to a grandmother who did not know how to show love?
of course...i have no memory of that first year with my mother...i cannot ever remember being held and kissed and pampered and loved by my mother...my mother's subsequent appearances in my life would be shadowy presences over three day weekends and short term leaves...
my mother took no active role in my parenting...it was as if she was just a casual observer with no interest in the outcome of my upbringing...all i knew my mother for was an 'allotment check' and an occasional extra gift on special occasions...
there's more...but this hurts...and right now...i feel like i'm drowning...
i have great affection for my mother...affection...really...there is too much resentment and anger that stands between for me to allow her into that place of love...
i am the daughter of a teenage mother...when my mother received her high school diploma i was present as a very pronounced lump under her white commencement gown...i would be born in the back room at my grandmother's house five months later...
a year later...my mother decided that she wanted to have a life...that she wanted to improve herself...that she wanted a career and a future...and i don't blame her...not for wanting those things...i blame her for not including me in this wonderful life that she saw for herself..
sometimes...i wonder what went on in the mind of the 19year old child that she was at the time...did she have the same fearlessness of life that i had when i was 19? what were her innermost thoughts? how did she really feel about leaving this child behind? was it her intention to get settled and return for this little very brown bundle? or had it been her plan all along to abandon this child to a grandmother who did not know how to show love?
of course...i have no memory of that first year with my mother...i cannot ever remember being held and kissed and pampered and loved by my mother...my mother's subsequent appearances in my life would be shadowy presences over three day weekends and short term leaves...
my mother took no active role in my parenting...it was as if she was just a casual observer with no interest in the outcome of my upbringing...all i knew my mother for was an 'allotment check' and an occasional extra gift on special occasions...
there's more...but this hurts...and right now...i feel like i'm drowning...
10.05.2005
sometimes....i forget that i'm fabulous....
life has a tendency beat your black ass down and make everything good that you know about yourself become null and void....
some days nothing anybody says can get through the wall of depression and self pity that you choose to hide behind....
you will question every decision that you ever made and every mistake, flaw and fault will come back to haunt you with excrutiating detail bringing fresh pain....
and you will hurt all over again...and one thing about hurt...it digs deep and falls onto your soul like fiddle sticks....it is not contained to one little part of your spirit...instead it permeates your being and brings you into a place that has no light and is devoid of color....
i truly believe that you should allow yourself the opportunity to fully experience each emotion that springs from the well of your existence...embracing the good of your character while constantly seeking to hide your imperfections does you an injustice....
acknowledge each part of your being...good, bad and ugly....embrace the good...give your best shot at reforming the bad and sometimes, accept the ugly....
in addressing all parts of who you are....even on bad days....
remember, remember, remember and please do not ever forget to
CELEBRATE, CELEBRATE, CELEBRATE YOURSELF!!!!!!!!
because your conscience gets so buried under all that life throws at you....
it's hard to remember....
trust me...i know....
because sometimes.....
i forget that i'm fabulous....
some days nothing anybody says can get through the wall of depression and self pity that you choose to hide behind....
you will question every decision that you ever made and every mistake, flaw and fault will come back to haunt you with excrutiating detail bringing fresh pain....
and you will hurt all over again...and one thing about hurt...it digs deep and falls onto your soul like fiddle sticks....it is not contained to one little part of your spirit...instead it permeates your being and brings you into a place that has no light and is devoid of color....
i truly believe that you should allow yourself the opportunity to fully experience each emotion that springs from the well of your existence...embracing the good of your character while constantly seeking to hide your imperfections does you an injustice....
acknowledge each part of your being...good, bad and ugly....embrace the good...give your best shot at reforming the bad and sometimes, accept the ugly....
in addressing all parts of who you are....even on bad days....
remember, remember, remember and please do not ever forget to
CELEBRATE, CELEBRATE, CELEBRATE YOURSELF!!!!!!!!
because your conscience gets so buried under all that life throws at you....
it's hard to remember....
trust me...i know....
because sometimes.....
i forget that i'm fabulous....
10.03.2005
time and distance....
i can remember the exact moment that i began to distance myself from you emotionally...
it was not an AHA! moment or a step into the brilliant light of truth...
instead...it was like the rising sun of a new day...
faint changes in the horizon that began as the midnight hues of a night sky slowly morphed into a pre-dawn gray...
the first rays of sun brought a subtle pink to an awakening day...
the fading sound of a cricket's song have been replaced with a bird's greetings of Good morning! Good day! It's great to be alive!
as the moon disappeared into the blue of the morning sky and shadowy figures began to form definite shapes filled in with glorious colors...
i could see where the path we walked moved from two roads onto one highway and then...where our steps grew farther apart until the one trek again became two journeys...
i know that with time, my routine thoughts of you will fade into a pattern of new possibilities, considerations and concerns...you will no longer be my first thought of the day or the last thing on my mind at night...
and i look forward to that...
time....
because already...there is distance....
it was not an AHA! moment or a step into the brilliant light of truth...
instead...it was like the rising sun of a new day...
faint changes in the horizon that began as the midnight hues of a night sky slowly morphed into a pre-dawn gray...
the first rays of sun brought a subtle pink to an awakening day...
the fading sound of a cricket's song have been replaced with a bird's greetings of Good morning! Good day! It's great to be alive!
as the moon disappeared into the blue of the morning sky and shadowy figures began to form definite shapes filled in with glorious colors...
i could see where the path we walked moved from two roads onto one highway and then...where our steps grew farther apart until the one trek again became two journeys...
i know that with time, my routine thoughts of you will fade into a pattern of new possibilities, considerations and concerns...you will no longer be my first thought of the day or the last thing on my mind at night...
and i look forward to that...
time....
because already...there is distance....
10.01.2005
it's bananas....
it's bananas....b...a...n...a...n...a...s
forget the price of gas...
i bought ONE BANANA today and paid 87 cents for it...bananas are supposed to be 19 cents...
george bush doesn't care about bananas...
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