Copays and Meds

It's the end of a really crazy week in my life. Or now that I think about, a crazy two week period in my life.

Last week, I was sick as a f*cking dog. (Now, I don't know exactly how sick a dog gets or who came up with that metaphor, but since it's widely accepted as being as closed to dead as sick can get, it's what I will use.)

I was take-my-%ss to the doctor sick. And when a chick starts coming off them budget dollars for a co-pay with possible prescriptions to follow, you know a chick is sick or thinks she caught something from THAT n*gga or ain't really trusting the negative on the EPT she tinkled on.

At any rate, a $15 copay, a diagnosis of BRON-F*CKING-CHITIS and $34.56 in meds later, I took my rear home and crawled under the bed and was there for the DURATION (read: rest of week and over the whole weekend).

All that should mean that I was feeling better by Monday, ready to get back on my grind and take OVER the f*cking world, Barack be damned - SEXYCOOL IS THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD!!!

Um, no....

I was STILL dragging %ss. So much so - that I headed back to the doctor's office to donate more of my hard earned money to the buy-his-bytch-a-beamer fund.

Well, a $15 copay and $32.15 in meds later, I think I've finally got the right ish. I am STARTING to feel more like myself.

So, next week, look out. There will be flash of light that whips past you leaving a SexyCool vibe with a light whiff of Escape in the wind.

That will be me - NEW LEADER OF THE FREE F*CKING WORLD!!!

PMDD

If only I could put into words how PMDD affects my life.

There are no words to adequately communicate the total loss of anything that closely resembles motivation in my life right now.

It's weird how I can be going along 90 to nothing, the very picture of sunshine and light, on a mission to take over the world and become the motivator of all motivators and out of nowhere, crash and burn.

And when I say crash, I mean CRASH!!! and when I say burn, I mean burn all the way up into little pieces of ash that float along on the breeze like my ass is the Space Shuttle Challenger. Little pieces of nothing.

That's what I am feeling like right now. Like little pieces of nothing.

I don't feel like bathing. I don't feel like getting dressed. I don't want to walk down the stairs. I don't want to get into my truck and drive it to the office. I don't want to sit at my desk and do nothing.

I don't want to anything.

Hell, I don't even want to be typing right now, but somehow, it feels like getting all of these uninspired, 'nothing' thoughts out of my head will make me feel better or speed up my return to normalcy.

And I will return to normal, in a couple of days, all I will have is a memory of feeling this way and I will be sound in the knowledge that next time I get to feeling this way, I will deal with it better because I will be more aware and since knowing is half the battle and blah, blah, blah and so on.

Until then, I am still just concentrating on existing.

Mired Down in Mediocrity

I am great. Or at least, that's what I am believing about myself. It is the positive, self affirming speech that I give myself to keep me motivated.

Ninety percent of the time. That shit works.

This week, I'm having a ten percent week. I am feeling overwhelmed by all my grand plans for my life.

This week, my life weighs more than my weight limit will allow me to carry.

Yeah, I know, I'm supposed to dream big dreams and make big plans and do big things. You know what they say, Go Big or Go Home.

But really, this week, I just want to rest in the averageness that my current life is.

I know that in a couple of days, I will be right back on the grind. But for today, I am mired down in mediocrity and I'm okay with that.

Just Breathing

I am sitting at my desk reading blogs because I'm not doing any work today.

And when I say not doing ANY work, I really mean not.doing.any.work.

Yeah, I signed off payroll approval today and I responded to two emails, but that's it.

I could really so NOT be here today. The only reason I am here is because I didn't have anything else to do.

Normally, I am on a mission to take over the world. I am usually dreaming up ways to jumpstart my motivational speaking career, bring in more resume clients, upholding my personal standards of excellence in all areas, planning to work out, and figuring out ways to double my income by my self-imposed May 20, 2009 deadline.

Today, eh...not so much.

Today, I'm just concentrating on holding up my chair and breathing.

Inner Beauty

If I could see you from the inside out, would your smiles be like standing with my face to the sun?

Or would the icicles around your heart leave me in danger of dodging falling daggers?

If I could see you from the inside out, would the music of your soul lull me into serenity's scene?

Or would the screams from the pain in your past cause my ears to bleed?

If I could see you from the inside out, would I find goodness and light and flowers and sunshine?

Or would I run from the carnage and the stench of you dying a heartbeat at a time?

If I could see you from the inside out, would we rave unto the joy fantastic?

Or timidly step around the landmines of your instability?

If I could see you from the inside out, would I find the support of a solid foundation?

Or would I slide around on the slippery slopes of your uncertainties and insecurities?

If only I could see you from the inside out.

Month Lost

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm....What in da hell happened to the first month of the year?

Dammit - My year is already 1/12 of the way over and it really feels like it slid away into a mesh of nothingness.

Well, actually, that's not quite true.

1. I found FACEBOOK. I'm addicted. Enough said.

2. I took a leadership class at one of those Rockhurst University seminars. Those classes rock!!! For about two weeks, I was super motivated. Then, life took over again.

3. I met a really cool guy at the seminar. Two weeks later, I find out he snores like a buzzsaw. Needless to say, that shut down all dreams of having babies that looked like the best of the two of us. (I'm sure he's wondering why I don't call him anymore.)

4. I found my cousin that I hadn't talked to in almost 20 years on FaceBook. She came to visit that very weekend. I was going to feed her bacon and eggs, but the bacon that I had was a month old and the fry daddy grease that I dropped it in was even older. Needless to say, that was a no go. I ended up calling I.HOP for carryout.

5. Met David at I.HOP. He's a doctor. We're a couple already. Met him on the 17th. That was three weeks ago.

6. Work has been really crazy. For the first time in a LONG, LONG time, there is just a bit of trepidation about not getting it all done, not meeting all of the deadlines, not working to my usual standard of excellence, of falling flat on my fcuking face. (Not a good feeling.)

7. I worked out like a champion for the first five weeks of the year. This past week, I have done nothing.

8. My money is really funny right now. I've decided to join Frugalista's No Buy Month after tomorrow. (I have to buy some lotion and my slippers are about to fall apart.)

9. I bought groceries today for the first time in almost a month. The last couple of days I had to get really creative with my meals.

10. Writing my brother, who is in prison, is something that I do out of obligation and because I believe that he needs someone to support him. Getting his letters back is depressing as fuck. I almost want to write him and tell him that he does not have to write AT ALL.

That's the quick and dirty run down on the first 1/12th of my year.

You'll see me around more often. I promise.