i need love...

it's 1987, again and i am 15 years old...wanting something, needing something...this guy named james todd smith said something that spoke to me...


There I was giggling about the games
That I had played with many hearts,
and I'm not saying no names
Then the thought occured,
tear drops made my eyes burn
As I said to myself
"look what you've done to her"
I can feel it inside,
I can't explain how it feels
All I know is
that I'll never dish another raw deal
Playing make believe,
pretending that I'm true
Holding in my laugh
as I say that I love you
Saying "amor",
kissing you on the ear
Whispering "I love you"
and "I'll always be here"
Although I often reminsce
I can't believe that I found
A desire for true love floating around
Inside my soul
because my soul is cold
One half of me
deserves to be this way till I'm old
But the other half
needs affection and joy
And the warmth that is created
by a girl and a boy

I need love

my mind is blank...really...i'm hoping that if i just keep typing something will come to mind...so basically...what i'm doing is writing about nothing...

i used to do that with letters and emails to my friends...

hey, what's up?...nothing much this way...just dropping a line to reach out to you...please forgive me for this note being so short...

until one day...one of my friends called me on it and was like...how are you going to write me a bullshit letter about writing me a letter?...

my response?...i'm just doing what i can to keep in touch with you...let you know that i still count you among my circle of friends...it's just my way of maintaining friendships...

and sometimes...i will put together a fairly bland email...title it greetings and send it to half my hotmail address book with the address in the blind copy section...

hey...haven't spoken to you in a while...i do hope all is well with you...you know it's important to keep in touch...i would like to hear back from you...but in the interim...this is my prayer for you...that everything in your life is just like you want it to be and that you know joy unspeakable...or something similar...

i call it my public relations...my version of maintaining my network...it's not the most personal way of reaching out to my friends and the business contacts that i want to maintain a relationship with...but it is a way that works for me...i would go crazy trying to make time to call ALL the people that i care to keep in contact with...i could literally call one person a day for a year and not talk to the same person twice...

who has time for that shit?how often do you keep in touch with your friends and business contacts? what method do you use?

my heart's still beating....halleluh!!!!!

sometimes....even in a crowded room...i am alone...sometimes...when i am with my favorite people in the world...the ones that bring me joy and laughter...i am lonely...and i am sad....

sometimes...the pressures of life seem too much to bear....the burdens seem too heavy...i cannot see the light...i do not know the way...i feel lost and without direction...at times like this...i know no peace....

i am comforted then...only by the fact...that i am SUPPOSED to be here...if i weren't...i would have been dead a long time ago...dead from an attempt on my life...dead from a horrible car accident...dead from a broken heart....

i am comforted by knowing that the hand of the Creator is upon me...by knowing that i walk in favor...by knowing that He has created me for a purpose...it's my duty to know what that purpose is...

i am comforted by hope....soothed by the belief that my troubles won't last always...that this too shall pass and that the darkest hours are just before the dawn....

i am made brave by the realization that the many times that i could have just stopped...just given up...just given in...just folded...just laid down...just quit...i knew that it was time to stand still and just rejoice in being....

so sometimes...i shut down my phone...cut off the world...and i am still...and i hear Him...no...i do not hear His voice....He does not speak to me through a song or a sermon...He does not send word through my close friends and family....but still....He touches my soul...

how do i know it is Him?...how do i hear His message loud and clear?...how do i know He is present?...how do i know that He is telling me that all will be well?...why do i rejoice?...

it is all quite simple really...my heart's still beating...halleluh!!!!!!!!!!

how to qualify for the position...

I require a man who is emotionally available to explore a relationship. It is not cute when you have issues from past relationships that require closure.

I would like to be with a man that I am physically attracted to. Now, he does not have to be Ebony Man of the Month. But he needs to be well groomed, have a nice smile and take care of himself physically - meaning that he is involved in some type of physical activity to keep him healthy. There is ONE physical requirement that is a deal breaker. I am a tall chick (5'10) - unfortunately, I have never been comfortable dating someone shorter than me.

I am looking for someone who is consistently consistent. I want to be with someone who is respectable and respectful.

I don't necessarily look for a man who has a degree. It is a plus, but not a requirement. You do need to be employed and taking care of yourself and all of your responsibilities.

I'm not adverse to dating a man with children, as long as he is taking care of them. I refuse to date dead-beat dads.

I am looking for someone who I share similarities with. It's cute to say that opposites attract, but it is what you have in common that allow you to build relationships.

It is also VERY important that we be sexually compatible. If you can't take me 'there', you will not hold my interest.

I am looking for a well-rounded package. Not a perfect package, just well rounded.

A man who stimulates me mentally and intellectually. It is obvious from my posts that I have a lot to say. So someone who can engage me in conversation and with whom I can enjoy debating is cool.

A man who attracts me physically and sexually. It's something about the strength in a man's hands that is sexy as all get-out. And something about the width of a man's shoulders. And something about the feel of a man's....oh
wait, I'm about to get x-rated.

I want a man that makes me eager to come home at night, that waking up to his morning breath is not a thought worse than death. I want a man who will serve me breakfast in bed on Saturday mornings (not every Saturday) and who I can make omelets for on Sunday mornings before church.

the loves of my life...

i fell in love for the first time when i was 12...can u fall in love at 12?...i certainly thought i was...and i was in love w/ the same guy for 4 years....willie carl bullock....i loved me some carl....carl was 5 years older than me...i used to be so shy around him that when he talked to me...i couldn't say anything...carl bullock....my first love....my first lover...my first heartbreak....

my next love was bryant dismuke....i was 19....i moved out of my mother's house into a basement apartment for this negro...it was my money that bought us the waterbed that we slept in...he used to take me to work and be late picking me up in MY car...ain't that some shit?...that relationship ended when i found out that he was taking other chicks out in my car....i left everything i bought for that apartment there and moved in w/ my girlfriend melissa....second major heartbreak....

the year i turned 20....i fell in love w/ jarrel cunningham....a married man...disclaimer....at first...i didn't know he was married...he lied...by the time i found out...i had been in love w/ the man for three months...back then...that was a lifetime...he left his wife for me...it doesn't feel good to say that...but it's true...our relationship lasted for another year...i finally walked away from it when there were still too many unanswered questions and his by then ex-wife was still acting like a fucking idiot...that and i spent my 21st birthday w/ someone else b/c he was nowhere to be found....

i met kevin smith when i was coming out of that....we were married w/in 9 months....my ex was in the military...i'd moved to north carolina while we were dating...he was still stationed in georgia....i got married in dillon, south carolina - the wedding capital of the world....i wore pepe jeans, a white tshirt and white reebok classics....we would be married for a year and a half before we lived under the same roof....a year later he left me for a stripper....

i moved to georgia while going thru the divorce...charles...and i'm sitting here thinking about it...i dated this negro for six months...he tried to kill me...u know....police...eyewitnesses...attempted kidnapping...assault and battery...all that...and i cannot remember his last name to save my life...at any rate....charles whatever-his-last-name-is was obviously not successful in his attempt to kill me....

after that...there was gerald keith slaton...he was EVERYTHING a boyfriend should be...except one thing...he was not IN love w/ me...his father, the country holiness preacher, had a problem w/ the fact that i was divorced...keith would never marry me...i gave him two years of my life...he got really saved and turned into a religious idiot...i got really gone quickly....

deshannon martin...i will die if any of u say u know him....was the last serious long-term relationship i was in...initially that negro was so in love w/ me that my shit didn't stink....two years later...he had become a pro at pulling disappearing acts, not returning my calls and forgetting that i exist...obviously not a successful relationship....

i know that i was a bit long winded today....i do hope that i have not taken up too much of ur life w/ my ramblings...i only went thru the short list....the unabridged version...would be a book....

i'll let u know when it comes out....

i remember...

to continue what was started yeterday and since we have a mandate from suga that fridays are 'by damn, we'll be happy day'...i decided that i would take a moment to reflect...on my memories....

i remember the first time i wrote my name...i was in headstart...the teacher's aide taught me to spell my name wrong....

i remember being on the playground and taking my hooded sweater and piling it on top of my head and spinning around until i turned into wonder woman...i was in kindergarten...

i remember my first dentist's appointment...i remember 'swishing'...i remember when tishelia brown stole stacy barnes lunch cause she said said she was hungry...i think it was just cause she was fat and greedy...first grade....

second grade...i remember mary ann roulhac...she couldn't read...i used to help her sound out words at recess...

i remember the time i was giving answers to lawana johnson on our spelling test and my third grade teacher, ms. barber, kept us so long after class that she had to drive us home...i still remember the ass whuppin' i got for that one...but it was ms. barber that invited her entire class to her house for a cookout...it was the first time i had ever seen a pool table in somebody's house and the first time that i realized some white people lived much differently than we did....i was runner up in the spelling bee that year...i got eliminated when i couldn't spell 'diaphragm'....now it's one of those words that i will NEVER forget...

michael cooke was my first crush...that little negro was so black...u have a hard time seeing him next to me in my fourth grade class picture...

i don't remember shit about the fifth grade except that my teacher's name was mrs. weiss and i wanted to be in mrs. dunn's class b/c she was prettier....besides...michael cooke was in her class...



i also wanted to take a moment to thank all of you that came to hang out this week...i am honored that you chose to spend time at this spot...however, i am REALLY looking forward to mia's return on monday...

pop quiz...

You don't have to actually answer the questions.

Just read straight through, and you'll get the point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz.. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier?

The lesson:
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards.

They are the ones that care.

one monkey don't stop no show...

sometimes....something happens to u and u think the world should come to a screeching halt...if only for a moment...just to acknowledge YOU...YOUR triumphs...YOUR victories...and maybe even YOUR loss...YOUR devastation....but...there are too many things going on in this universe that r not about YOU (this line borrowed from PDL or so i'm told)...

but every now and then...don't u want it to be just about YOU?...don't u want to have selfish moments and not be able to feel any guilt about it?...sometimes...being thoughtful and considerate and caring and gracious and kind can be tiring...most of the time...it's easy...but SOMETIMES...

i want to just do what i want to do....when i want to do it...how i want to do it...why it want to do it...with no thought for how it affects anyone but me...

and sometimes...i am looking into the eyes of the world...facing my fears...hand on my hip....smile on my brave face...all the while.... i'm screaming on the inside....

I AM THE SHOWSTOPPER and IT REALLY IS ALL ABOUT ME...

maybe the show should stop for one monkey....sometimes....

the grass is NOT greener...

and as a good friend said to me recently, "sometimes, it's not even grass."

why are people always talking about they can't find a good man or a good woman, but always want to pursue someone who is already in a relationship? then...when they just so happen to get w/ that person...and the relationship is horrible and they are unhappy...they start tripping...i mean...didn't they get exactly what they asked for?...a relationship w/ someone who will lie and cheat?...u ALREADY knew when u asked to meet her/him that this person had a gf or bf or husband or wife or whatever...y not just respect the relationship and move on?...

and of course, it goes the other way....i have friends who are married or in relationships that are always into something...talking about "ain't nothing wrong w/ having friends"...i guess there is just something about the grass appearing to be greener...my thing is...pick some grass and stick with it...

it takes forever to build a relationship that lasts forever...

prior planning...

prevents piss poor performance...how true is this?...

and i know often when we make this statement it's work related...but think about it...it can apply to just about everything u do...from the vacation u take in june to the wedding of ur dreams and really, to life in general.

You can hear people making statements like "I don't know how I found myself in this situation." or asking questions like "Why did this have to happen to me?" Most often, the answer can be found in examining the decisions that were made. It is an edict that is proven over and over again - your situation is a direct result of the choices that you have made.

When shit goes wrong in my life, I honestly cannot blame my momma or my environment of 'the Man'. I have to look to myself and take ownership of the mistakes that I make. I am the one that LET this happen.

Which brings me to my point... You CANNOT just let things happen in life. You have to take control of your decisions, your actions and in effect, your destiny. Yes, there are some things that I cannot change. I cannot change being black. I cannot change being a woman. I cannot change my past.

However, I can take control starting today. I can make conscious decisions that will lead me on a path towards satisfaction, success and happiness.

My personal mission statement:

to find happiness daily. to bring a smile to others. to let my light shine. to be consistently consistent in ALL things. to know joy.

Do you have a personal mission statement?