welcome back...

in the words of pastor/rapper mason bethea....

welcome back...
welcome back...
welcome back...

and for those of you never left...thanks for coming again...

it's 6:00a.m. and i am sitting in my office at the computer wearing the red robe that matches the decor in my bedroom and a black bandana while sipping a zero calorie fruit-2-oh and trying to come alive and shake the sleep from my eyes...wondering what in DAHELL am i going to talk to you guys about this morning...but since i ramble so well...i figured that i would just close my eyes and type whatever conversations the little people in my head are having this morning...

so...i'm sitting here thinking about what i am going to do today...what i am going to do this weekend...am i really going to finish my laundry this weekend?...or will monday morning find me with renewed resolve to do a load a day until it's done?...need to get my truck washed...i'm having lunch with someone i've come to know rather well...looking forward to that...NEED to get to church on sunday...and THAT DAMN DOG really needs to be taken to be groomed...

i'm also sitting here giving some thought to my life's concerns...my family, my bills and my budget, the maintenance my truck needs and a few other things i'm juggling...

but...wait...that's ALL of those topics are way TOO heavy for a friday morning...so i am going to head all THAT off at the pass...thinking only happy thoughts...ESPECIALLY since as shug decrees that friday's are by damn we'll be happy day...

so...let's be happy...besides...you really do control your attitude...

peace...be still

it seems as if i live a life of constant motion...always moving...always something to do...somewhere to be...somebody to follow up with...a bill to pay...a meeting to attend...laundry to do...yard to mow...and on and on and on...i often feel like i am so caught up in life...that i am not living...

i recently participated in a women's forum...one of the topics that came out of the discussion is that we are so busy trying to simply survive that we often cannot grow spiritually...not b/c we are not a spiritual people...but...b/c we don't have adequate time to focus on spiritual things...

u'v all seen the email that a busy life is the trick of the enemy...i am tired of living life on fast forward....while all the time...feeling like i am running in place...

i feel like i am busy going thru the motions...i want to get busy living...

what would i do if my day to day survival did not depend on me staying in bed until the last minute...jumping up to rush out into the rush hour and work someone else's J-O-B...that keeps me Just Over Broke?..how would i re-define success if all things financial were taken out of the equation?..

for the longest time...i used to say that i just wanted to be happy...now i know that what i truly seek is joy on a daily basis...happiness can be empty...it can be shallow...it can be fleeting...joy consumes u...i want live a life filled w/ joy...i want to find time in my life to just stand still...to just be...where i can connect w/ my inner self...hear from my creator...and exist at that place called there...

but right now...i gotta get dressed and take my ass to the office...

do not lean...

some times in our lives
we all have pain
we all have sorrow
but if we are wise
we know that there's always tomorrow
lean on me
when u'r not strong and i'll be ur friend
i'll help u carry on
for it won't be long
till i'm gonna need
somebody to lean on....

famous lyrics...the most noble principal of friendship that is SUPPOSED to mean the most when life seems to be kicking you down...but have u ever considered that it's not life that's kicking you down, but the people who r in it?....

i tell u...there's nothing like a crisis situation to show u who ur real friends r...

so for all my real friends...thank u...for being there and giving me support and encouragement when i need it most and who allow me to lean at the times when i cannot stand on my own...

for those who r just ppl i know...thank u...for showing me the true u and letting me know that sometimes i stand alone....

but ain't no grudges...

it's still all good...it's still all love...

b/c still, i stand...

am i crazy?...

walking into a new relationship is like running naked in the sunshine...

i like to think that i haven't been hurt so many times in the past that i cannot love freely...

it's just a thought...

what i would like to believe...

sometimes...i think that if i tell myself that enough that i will begin to believe it...but the truth is...i am scared out of my mind...god knows...

i have been thru so much bullshit in this lifetime...i have been hurt so many times...let's face it...i have baggage...call me bag lady...i'm damaged goods...

how can i not be paralyzed w/ fear?...

this little old heart of mine has been pieced back together so many times that it looks like a bunch of string and glue...but even if I have to love with the glue that holds my heart together...i want to believe that i can give my all to a relationship...

but i am no longer as trusting as i used to be...now...even tho i have no reason to not believe...i still find myself w/ questions....

i don't raise these questions b/c i do not want to come across as a paranoid, psycho, insecure nut basket...so..i just chill...sit back and observe...

my grandma used to tell me to trust my own instincts...
my father says that any conclusion can be reached w/ instinct, logic and reasoning...

these days...i question my instinct b/c i fear that my experiences have left me so jaded that what i think could be instinct could just be a reaction from a past experience...love relationships can't always be judged by logic b/c some of the most successful relationships are those that defy logic....reasoning...well...u know...sometimes there is just no reason...period...

so...do i need counseling or what?...

running late...

i got a late start this morning...

so...i'm just going to leave you with a thought for the day...

Everything works out in the end. If it hasn't worked out, it's not the end.

- Unknown

the world keeps turning...

Tribute to Charlotte Kendrick-LeBlanc...she will be missed...

recently, my life changed and is a lot different than it was, but somehow, it's still the same. Things that seemed so important now seem extremely insignificant.

I'm going to be brief this morning. Just cherish your loved ones - your family, your friends, anybody that means anything to you. Love them - hard...even when they are hard to love. You could be cruising along one day and all of a sudden that person is no longer here. Or YOU are no longer here.

I don't want to die thinking my special people didn't know how much I loved them. I don't want to die not knowing that I was special to them.

Even in my sorrow, I strive to find good. I am honored to have known such a beautiful person, inside and out. I am blessed to have been considered a friend. I am glad that I brought some laughter into a life. I am happy that she walked this earth, even if it was for too brief of a time, and that she brought joy to all she knew.

Quarter Life Crisis

I think I'm getting old. No - actually, it's official. I am DEFINITELY getting older. I'll be 32 this year. 32! Can ya' believe it? Where did the time go?

I was just in third grade. Just in high school. Just running around the campus at FAMU. Just buying my first car. Just getting my first apartment. Just getting married. Just getting divorced.

For six months before I turned 30, I was started practicing saying that I was 30. I was hoping that by the time the big day came that I would have lost that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach at the thought of completing my third decade. I was dead ass wrong.

A litte more than a year ago, I experienced a major quarter-life crisis. So....

I quit my job. Quit my man. Cut off all my shoulder-length hair. And joined LA Fitness.

I quit my job because I hated my boss.

I quit my man because I hated the new girlfriend I caught him cheating on me with.

I cut off all my hair because I thought it would be liberating (wrong, again).

I joined the gym because at some point when I wasn't looking someone snuck up on me and attached my mother's ass.

Now here I am more than a year later. I have a new job (that I'm LOVING - something about having your own office) I have a NEW crush and I am excited about the infinite possibilities and all the places that this relationship could go. My hair has FINALLY grown into a style that I like again (for a minute, I was walking aroung with this awkward 'too-long-to-be-short-too-short-to-be-long, but really looks like shit' stage). I have changed my eating habits, slimmed down a few pounds and a couple of inches in the effort get rid of my mother's ass.

Crisis resolved...life is good.

i like the music...

kelly price has a song called strong man...in it...she talks about men that she encountered and for whatever reason...the relationships didn't work...maybe he was the wrong guy...or didn't fit into her destiny...but then she turns to all of the characteristics of the man who loves her now and what makes her man a good man...

she says....
he rubs my back when i'm achin'...
my feet when i'm tired...
my heart when i'm hurting...
wipes the tears when i'm cryin'...
he cooks when i'm hungry...
now i'm never lonely...
and when it comes to love...
he puts that thing on me....

i listen to that i think...damn...when did she get inside my head? my heart?

isn't music powerful?...it's amazing how words can be put to music that reach down into the depths of ur soul and kiss the place where ur heartbeats begin...

what songs have spoken to u and touched ur inner places?...u know...the ones that u can listen to 15 times in a row...and be moved to the same place over and over and over and over and.....

running....

my mother and i had a conversation recently and she told me that i am so determined not to take any bullshit off any n**ga that i have a tendency to run at the first sign of trouble...she told me that if i continued to do that i would always be running from man to man to man....

she says that i need to learn that men are human and are imperfect just as i am...that i need to allow a man the room to not get it right sometimes...and when he makes an error....allow him the oppty to show me that a relationship is something that he really wants....and then IF...he fails in that...that's when i make a move...

i like my mother's advice...maybe b/c i'm tired of running away from relationships....maybe b/c i am a glutton for punishment...who knows?...but i do like my mother's advice...but then too...i do have to keep in mind that this is advice coming from one who is married to a drug addict....an educated, intelligent, well-spoken, sometimes extremely caring individual who i even get along w/ sometimes...but a drug addict nonetheless....

is nothing in life simple?

not your average joe...

i've been having a lot of fun flirting with this really cool guy that i met recently...we hung out saturday night...had a blast...he is so sexy...but seems so unaware of it...he's almost shy even...funny because i would have expected him to be a cocky asshole...he is so the opposite...

i'm liking him...already...interesting, huh?

he writes poetry for me...says that i'm the first person that's ever inspired him to do that...his poems are so good that i might start questioning that...or maybe he just has a poetic soul and only because i write, he writes...

at any rate, i am going to enjoy the ride...we'll see what happens...