WARNING: Brain Leak

This post is one long rambling thought. Apologies prior to for subjecting you to this.

I went away for a while.

Hence my "Gone Fishing" sign.

I had to take a bit of time to do some inner searching. I needed to sit still and listen for the voice from the center part of me to see if I would be familiar with its sound when it whispered.

You see, in trying to find myself, I lost a part of who I was. Well, I didn't really lose it. More accurately, I tried to deny that it was there.

I'm sure you're wondering by now - what in DAHELL is this chick talking about?

I thought I'd found God. And from what they told me, the God I found would make me into this near perfect person and this God, in all his goodness, grace and mercy would turn me into this awesomely successful and wonderful individual who could withstand the trials of this world with little more than a bible, a prayer and a word.

Um, yeah...okay.

What I discovered in the last six months - I am not THAT good. And the life that they are preaching to me is easier preached than lived.

At one point, in my hypocritical self-righteousness, I would passionately proclaim that even though I knew that I could NEVER be perfect that I was GLAD to have a standard that I could attempt to live up to. Blind to the fact that living right consistently on the day in/day out is fucking impossible.

And I am pissed off. Why? Because I felt like I was sold a bullshit dream based on an unreal expectation of goodness and light dressed in a superhero costume slaying all vestiges of sin from my being.

Dunt-dunt-duuunnnn - SuperChristian to the rescue.

Now all I have to say is get away from me with that.

I am an imperfect being.

And I don't like facing my imperfections or admitting my sins. I try to go for months at a time and pretend that they don't exist. But I can't fool myself for very long, because just when I think I've got them tucked away in a little manageable corner of my existence, they jump out on me and scare the shit out of everybody I know.

For instance, I like to curse. I like it. Now, I don't mean that I curse like a sailor, but a well placed sh!t or a got-d@mn or a wtf? feels good, feels right, just feels like it fits.

Another example - Along with procrastinating, I am EXTRA good at starting sh!t and not finishing it. I could give many examples here - but once I got around to actually starting the list I would never be able to finish the list.

I'm a fornicator. For about six months, I was really trying not to be. But that mess don't work so well when you're a healthy sexually experienced and aware being. Besides, all that whole Tweet routine was NOT satisfying a sista'.

I have a mad lazy streak. Sometimes, I just don't want to do a damn thing, but sit on my arse, read or surf or daydream or just sleep. Trust me when I say I can sleep anytime, anyplace. Just give me about five minutes of inactivity and I could be dead to the world in the middle of a battlefield.

I'm still trying to figure out how God fits into all of this. I do still believe in Him and a LOT of what goes along with all that. I'm starting to realize that I let religion get in the way of my relationship and in doing that, I became someone that people who knew me didn't like. The saddest part about it - I didn't even realize it was happening.

Now, LanaC, when you get to reading this, don't get all worried about me and schedule an all night prayer vigil. I'm still on the right path. I'm just taking the time to consider all of who I am and find a way to walk this walk and still look in the mirror on a daily basis and know that I am living as well as I can but at the same time, being honest with myself and others about how far short I fall.

And trust, I fall WAAAAYYYY short.