what i learned last night...

i went out last night...

i was bound and determined that i was going to somebody's spot...to drink somebody's mixed drink (just one) and spend some time conversing with somebody's son...

and i did just that...

the thing about is...i THOUGHT i was doing it because i needed a distraction from some of the relationship issues that my man and i have been dealing with...

i THOUGHT that smiling and flirting and innocently carrying on with someone who was guaranteed to compliment my good looks, comment on my fabulousness and sing my endless praise was what i needed to feed my ego...

that's what i THOUGHT....

as it turned out...i learned a very important lesson about my relationship...

let me take you back...

i walked into the very small, tightly packed spot...looking neither to the left, nor to the right...i was going to pass the bar and go directly to the enclosed patio that the establishment heats during the colder months...i paused at the stairs as someone was blocking my way...a fairly handsome young man pulled my coat and leaned into me and said, "i like how you walked in...you walked in like you owned the place." ego boost number one...

i smiled a polite thank you and kept it moving as i had no desire to stand in the middle of the high traffic area and carry on a conversation...besides...the boots that i had on have a two hour limit and i needed to sit down...

as i moved out onto the patio...i was actually quite surprised to find several tables open and i quickly found a seat close to one of the space heaters...

almost immediately after i ordered a drink and a bottled water...i was approached by a couple of guys...one of which was well groomed, polite and reserved with a friendly smile...HOWEVER...the friend that was with him damn near looked homeless...and of course...he was the drunkest one...and thereby, the loudest one and the most agressive one...and the one that INSISTED on paying for my drinks when the waitress brought my order...

after a few minutes of conversation with the D.O. (drunkest one)...where he complimented me repeatedly on my looks and my smile and that i seemed semi-intelligent (LOL) and that he REALLY liked me and he is the kind of man that when he sees something he wants he goes after it...i explained to him that i was not available as my significant other and i live together...

it was as if he didn't hear a word that i'd said...he began to try to capture my hands...the first two times he did that...i would just laugh and gently pull my hands back...the third time he leaned forward and pulled my hands toward him and tried to stick my fingers in his mouth...i snatched my hand back, looked him in the eye and very firmly said to him, "that's not cool. don't do that."

well, about this time...his well groomed, polite, reserved friend had come back up to the table and could easily see that while i was attempting to be courteous, the D.O. was really beginning to tick me off...

thankfully, he began to steer him away from me...and finally basically ended up going to get the D.O.'s brother who pulled him away from me...but...not before he got indignant with me and flat out asked me if he appealed to me...and because i was thoroughly done and disgusted...i simply said, "no."...and of course he had to get off one last parting shot..."see, i knew you couldn't appreciate a man like me. i could look at you and tell."...to that...i simply turned my head as a dismissal...i'd entertained that foolishness long enough...

no sooner than i'd breathed a sigh of relief...than shorty returns to my table...(that's the well groomed, polite guy - i forgot to mention he was a shorty)...

to make a long story short...he and i ended up having a nice conversation...he complimented me continuously...called me mysterious...and said a whole lot of ego boosting things...

i ended the night by allowing him to walk me to my truck...i even took his number...which i have already deleted...

but let me get to what i learned last night...

the D.O. actually just reminded me of something that i already knew...there's a lotta m'phkas out there that you just don't wanna damn deal with...

and in just replaying parts of my conversation with shorty...while it was a real ego booster...that i'd really needed...the compliments about my looks...my demeanor...his perception of my maturity....even the comment about how mysterious i seemed...all the while i was sitting back... listening...but thinking..."Yeah, but you really don't know me...if you knew me, i probably wouldn't seem all that damn mysterious...."

i realized that he was on the outside looking in...all they could see was the shell...they could not REALLY see ME....just an image that i'd created for the evening...

and what i realized about my relationship....is that because of some of the issues that he and i have been dealing with over the past couple of weeks....i have been so focused on what i perceive are his faults...and all of the things that i think he is doing wrong in this relationship...that i'd stopped seeing his image...i dismissed the things about him that are most wonderful....and that attracted me to him in the first place...

i wasn't seeing the bigger picture...

i am reminded of the quote, "familiarity breeds contempt."

it's amazing the way life teaches you lessons...it took a night out at a sportsbar to remind me how much i love this man...how wonderful i think he is and what a beautiful person he can be...

it took realizing what other people see in me...to remind me of what i see in him...

it's easy to be attracted to what you see on the outside of a person...it takes love to deal with what is on the inside of a person...we are not perfect beings and all of the inside is not good or easy to deal with...

and there's more...but i gotta get dressed for work...

holla....