john blackmon loved me...

it was like an aha moment...(you know oprah talks about those)...

i had been looking at his picture earlier today...i woke up the middle of the night and could not sleep...and somehow my thoughts fell back to him...

i remember so much about him and i began to recall off the little impressions that shaped his character in my eyes...

i was just a child and he was a man and i was just a little bit afraid of him...not because of him but because of the kind of abuse that i had suffered at the hands of the men in my life who were supposed to be there to protect me made me afraid of all men...

it probably didn't help his case too much that nearly everytime i saw him as a child he was intoxicated...forget that...he was drunk...i remember one of my friends told me that he was the drunkest man the he had ever seen...now that's pretty doggone drunk...

as i think about it now...i have to wonder what happened in his lifetime that made him so desperate to escape his reality...was there an incident in his past growing up in the deep south in the days of jim crow's america or perhaps it was something in his military service during the war...could it have been something that he experienced in alabama during the civil rights movement...or could it have been the pain of the seperation between he and the woman he loved best...

even in his drunkenness...he was funny and entertaining...in fact...it didn't seem strange to me that this man's speech was always slurred and that he was always leaning and that he smelled like he needed a bath...it was just who he was...

even in that...i can remember the dollars he would give us to go to kays corner to buy penny cookies and now&laters and ritz sodas...

i can remember him calling me 'nassau' (never did figure that out - wish i'd asked him while i still could)...or he would call me black @$$ gal and loved to ask me who my momma was..

i can remember when he used to chase the woman who he loved best around her house...come here, lillie...you know you still love me and she would half heartedly curse him out and would act like she was going to throw something at him...i would love to have seen them together...it was something i never saw in my lifetime..

the few times that i can remember him being sober...he was a quiet man...with a soft voice and sad eyes...full of intelligent words and kind gestures...

i only wish i'd known him better...because although i didn't realize it at the time...he was showing me love in the only way he knew how...

but i did not recognize it as love all those years ago...

it has taken me 32 years to recognize the love of my grandfather...

i wish he was still around so that i could express my gratitude and show him that love in return...

the path you travel...

all of life is a journey...or at least that's what they say (whoever they are)...

and as with any journey...there are roads that you must travel...i am certain that so many of us go wrong on this journey for a number of reasons...

we have no destination in mind...

we have no map...

we are not properly prepared to travel...

we do not have emergency roadside assistance...

we spend too much time looking back...

we spend too much time looking ahead...

we do not take enough time to sightsee along the way...

we do not recognize our destination when we get to it...

is your journey taking you where you thought it would?...to where you want to go?...or are you like the children of israel wandering around in the desert?...not being able to get anywhere because you never gave a thought to where you are going?

i urge you today...to give some thought to the path you are travelling...if you are not satisfied with the direction in which you are heading...stop...right where you are...and listen to the still small voice that speaks into your spirit...turn around...and begin to move towards your destiny...

it won't be easy...a lot of things that are worth it seldom are...but it'll be okay..because any journey starts with that first step...

you were always on my mind...

if i made you feel second best...
i'm so sorry i was blind...
but you were always on my mind...
you were always on my mind...

For a number of reasons, when Fantasia gets to that particular part of the song, it always touches me in a place in my heart that i like to believe has healed - the part that i can turn my back on and pretend never existed.

When in reality, the pain of many heartbreaks can sometimes still feel like a raw open wound. I've been made to feel like second best and it's not a good feeling. Trust me. So, rarely, do I glimpse into that seldom visited corner of my mind.

Instead, I focus on the positive and the things that I loved about myself even when others didn't love me, when their blindness caused me pain, when I was so NOT always on their mind.

Now, I didn't write any of this to bring anyone down make you feel sorry for me because my joy is never far removed from me.

My light can never be hidden.

For although, my candle may flicker in the winds of pain, uncertainty and heartbreak.

Still...my little light shines.

How Soon We Forget

One of the most beautiful aspects of the human spirit is its resiliency and it's ability to withstand the trials of life and not linger in defeat, but to bravely continue to take each step forward and move past those challenges which could have kept us down.

It's because of one of the truest statements ever - Life Goes On. And trust, it will go on. With or without you, the world will keep spinning causing the sun to stand at attention by day and the moon to rest in the sky at night.

Out of that ability to move on comes the tendency for people, places, things and incidents to lose the strength of their impact on our lives. With stressful or chaotic or catastrophic occurences, this is a good thing. We would surely die if we could not move past the painful times in our lives. Can you imagine what it would be like to live continually with the feelings of that specific moment of a thing that cause you great pain or distress or dispair? In cases like that, it is good that we are ALLOWED to forget.

But the fading memories of good times is a tragedy. The memory of that wonderful thing a person did for you, or a particular time when you triumphed and rejoiced. Wouldn't it be wonderful to continuously live in that state of euphoria?.

I would LOVE to be continually so happy that i couldn't stand it.

Said all of that to say:

Do not forget the good times. Hold fast to those precious moments in which you know joy unspeakable. Put them behind a special door in your heart so that on your darkest days, you can step up to that door, fling it wide open and walk into the memories of the beautiful places in your life.

singing in the rain...

Sometimes, you go to church expecting a service or a sermon or a message, but what you receive is a word. And like michelle says, I heard a word and I wanted to share it with you.

It's my time for rain.

I have been like a wilted flower begging for a soothing gentle mist, a lost soul looking for the river in the desert, a withered crop needing a refreshing summer shower.

Just over the horizon, I can see the sun as it dips behind the gathering clouds and I have heard the forecast - 100% chance of rain

I am eager for the raindrops - ooooh the anticipation.

So, if you hear something strange outside your window. Go and pull up the shades. You are likely to see a lone figure...head thrown back...eyes wide shut...arms wide open.

And you might wonder, "Who is that crazy person?"

Don't worry. It's just me - laughing and dancing and singing in the rain.

you big rock you...

funny how life gets in the way of things that are most important...a couple of nights ago...i was watching joel olsteen deliver a message about living a focused life...

he gave the illustration that i'm sure you've seen or heard before called...is this jar full?...it's a time management teaching tool...

first the big rocks go in...filled to the top...is this jar full?

then the gravel...again, to the top...is this jar full?

then fine grands of sand...all the way to the top...is this jar full?

just when you think you can get nothing else in the jar...take out a pitcher of water and fill the jar to the top...

the moral of the story...if you don't put your big rocks (the things that are most important to you)...you won't ever be able to fit them in...

my slant to this story...don't be offended if i call you a big rock...

I had this dream the other night...

I was riding around looking at houses with a certain love interest. I had to go to the bathroom, so he lets me out in front of a shopping center. I end up in a bathroom inside of a cleaners.

On the way out of the store, I stole some clothes from the cleaners and was trying to sneak past the window so the lady wouldn't see me. I get past the window and I don't see my friend. As I start to panic cause I'm walking around with all of these stolen clothes, my cell phone rings. It's the lady from the store informing me that she has called the police on me for stealing the clothes. I freak out and start running down the street trying to find somewhere to hide the clothes, but i'm dropping them as i go. Then i woke up...

Dream Interpretation as provided by my blogmate - KSanders:

Sea- Looking for a home with a love interest possibly suggests a search for security, or a search for stability. Dreaming that you are stealing indicates that you are deprived of something and where the stealing takes place is indicative of your neediness. So since you were stealing from a cleaners maybe you need some new clothes. Alternatively, it may signify unrealized and unfulfilled goals. You may have set your goals too high. Dreaming that you are running away from someone indicates an issue that you are trying to avoid. You are not taking or accepting responsibility for your actions. Dropping the clothes as you run could symbolize a lost opportunity or the potential to let something/someone close to you slip away.

I would say that all of that is pretty much on point with what is going on in my life right now.

MLK, Jr. Day

grateful for the freedoms that were gained.

thankful for the sacrifices that were made.

honoring the lives that were lost.

for our good, they paid the ultimate cost.

i can't imagine what it would be like

to die for a basic human right.

i wish i could count each tear that has been cried

for the brave souls who gave their lives.

when i think of rosa on that bus

and what that now means to us

and of the marchers on that bridge,

do they know just what they did?

they decided to take a stand,

come to the aid of their fellow man.

these were everyday people, you see.

some like you...some like me.

whose actions brought about a change,

made sure history was rearranged.

forty something years have past,

and their legacies still last.

some whose names we'll never know

and whose faces they'll never show.

so, i pause in honor and with respect,

vowing to never, ever forget

that along with dr. martin king

there are others who gave up everything.

our eyes have seen the glory and we can't stop

as we struggle to reach the mountaintop.

for although we have made countless gains,

we have still much to be attained

and while we can't discount the achievements we've seen,

we can never, ever give up 'the dream'.

she's cruisin....

going to LA...for the first time...

going on a cruise...for the first time...

going to mexico...for the first time...

i am WAY too old for all these first time events...

at any rate...i'm out until friday - 1.21.05 - those that pray...pray me a safe journey...those that don't...keep your fingers crossed...rub your rabbit's foot and search for four leafed clovers...

might check in...might not...but know that i will be thinking about those of you who are closest to me...ALWAYS!!!

i'm out...until next time...

take good care...

Body Blows

Life is a like a championship boxing match.

Any decent fighter knows that you should step in the ring in top physical condition, with a good trainer in your corner and with a strategy for how you will defeat your opponent.

Good fighters are light on their feet and are able to duck, dodge and fend off the uppercuts and jabs from their opponent. They know that sometimes all it takes is a quick blow when your guard is down to not only knock you off your feet, but to knock you out and take you down for the count.

But the best fighters are the ones that know how to take a hit and keep on fighting. And I'm not just talking about the left jab that will open up a cut over your eye or the right uppercut to the jaw that will leave you unsteady for a moment. I'm talking about the punishing body blows that wound you on the inside - the ones that will slowly sap your energy and leave you thanking God at the bell signalling the end of round three and make you unable to push up from the stool as the bell ding-dings for a new round.

Then there are the times when you have to deal with the below the belt blows that are liable to take the wind out of your sails leaving you lightheaded and gasping for the next breath to sustain your life.

I am taking some serious blows right now. Mentally, emotionally and financially.

But I am a prize fighter and I know the source of my strength.

So, while it may be that the last round went to my opponent, I have no doubt that at the end of this bout I will raise my hands in victory and the championship belt will belong to me.