happy birthday, @sswipe...

today's my ex-husband's birthday....

most of the time...i am actually quite thrilled at the fact.....

dayum...interruption here....why the hell is good morning america showing a rectal exam ON CAMERA???

okay...back to my regularly scheduled rant...

um what was i saying?...oh...the @sswipe's b-day...

most of the time...i am completely thrilled at the fact that he is my EX husband and totally pleased that things turned out the way they did...

i mean, hell, after two years and a half years of marriage, he left me for a damn stripper that he'd met less than a month before....

and to PROVE how strange my way of thinking is...i actually ADMIRE the fact that he left me almost immediately instead of trying to screw around with the stripper and maintain the marriage at the same time...

i guess dude realized that his multi-tasking skills are not up to par...

i still think it's rather fcuked up that he did it while i was pregnant, having my car repossessed and convincing the fort bragg housing authority kick me out of post housing while i was supposed to be on complete bedrest while carrying his child...

hence the @sswipe title for the day...

although, sometimes..........i wonder...how life would have been had things not happened the way they had...

i probably would not have miscarried at 20 weeks and my son, kevin kyler smith would have lived longer than 35 minutes and i would now be mother to a 9and a half year old...

um, just thinking about that makes my heart skip a beat...me? a mother? to a 10 year old black boy? in america? in these last and evil days?

on second thought....thank you so much, @sswipe...

and because i know you still check my blog out from time to time...please consider @sswipe a term of endearment...

the other day...when we were IM'ing...you asked for my phone number...and i didn't respond...in case you didn't figure it out...i'm not giving you my number...yeah...i paid some lip service to seeing you the next time you're in atlanta...

but...truth is....

we don't have anything to talk about...and i don't want to see you...

but not because of any lingering anger left over from 1997...

it's because i'm not your friend...remember...i said "let's CALL it friends and leave it at that." (translation: we don't really have to BE friends...)

think about it...there is really no point...there is nothing you can add to my life anymore...i am reminded about that bible verse that talks about only a dog returning to its own vomit (ew...not a good visual there)

and if you can't add anything...i'm certainly not going to allow you to take anything away...

i don't want to hear your lies about how unhappy you are with your wife...while you try to get next to me telling me that i'm still beautiful and that you still love me...(i know i've taken good care of myself in the last 9 years but i also know you don't love me...you just regret walking away from me because i live my life in a way that proves i never should have married yo' a ss in the first place...)

what you need to do is remember what made you notice your wife all those years ago...start back romancing her and fall in love with her all over again...

and...keep in mind...that while i will send a friendly email from time to time and engage in the occasional IM conversation....when i'm bored...especially when i'm bored...

all you are is a faint memory of a time past...a reminder of a relationship whose potential was never realized...the father of a child who was destined not to survive and whose delivery room inked footprints are still among my most precious possessions...

you are a blip on the radar of my life whose effect fades with each passing year...

even so..i am grateful for the lessons that knowing you taught me...figuring how to pick up and move on after a great life disaster...realizing that although i am not perfect, i am strong...learning that depression is a normal mental state (as long as you don't wallow in it)...that standing at the edge of insanity can make you really appreciate your sane days...and that even without you doing a thing life will go on...just as it always does...

but still i remember the date you were born...so..

happy birthday, @sswipe...

and i mean that in the nicest way possible...