this is a post that i've been wanting to write for quite some time...but i've been putting it off for my fear of deep water coupled with my inability to swim...and because a lot of times...truth is not pretty...in fact...most often...it's awfully goddamned ugly....
i have great affection for my mother...affection...really...there is too much resentment and anger that stands between for me to allow her into that place of love...
i am the daughter of a teenage mother...when my mother received her high school diploma i was present as a very pronounced lump under her white commencement gown...i would be born in the back room at my grandmother's house five months later...
a year later...my mother decided that she wanted to have a life...that she wanted to improve herself...that she wanted a career and a future...and i don't blame her...not for wanting those things...i blame her for not including me in this wonderful life that she saw for herself..
sometimes...i wonder what went on in the mind of the 19year old child that she was at the time...did she have the same fearlessness of life that i had when i was 19? what were her innermost thoughts? how did she really feel about leaving this child behind? was it her intention to get settled and return for this little very brown bundle? or had it been her plan all along to abandon this child to a grandmother who did not know how to show love?
of course...i have no memory of that first year with my mother...i cannot ever remember being held and kissed and pampered and loved by my mother...my mother's subsequent appearances in my life would be shadowy presences over three day weekends and short term leaves...
my mother took no active role in my parenting...it was as if she was just a casual observer with no interest in the outcome of my upbringing...all i knew my mother for was an 'allotment check' and an occasional extra gift on special occasions...
there's more...but this hurts...and right now...i feel like i'm drowning...
2 comments:
At one point in my life, my psyche was so drenched with pain from my past that I could no longer live. I began a long journey into the heart of my pain--took years--and I was petrified every step of the way.
I was terrified that if I truly faced my pain that it would overtake me and rob me of what little will to live I had left.
I will say this again...you KNOW you can write! Great post as usual
Post a Comment