I originally posted this October 5, 2005. This week, I've needed a reminder.
Sometimes, I forget that I'm fabulous.
Life has a tendency beat your black ass down and make everything good that you know about yourself become null and void. Some days nothing anybody says can get through the wall of depression and self pity that you choose to hide behind. You will question every decision that you ever made. Every mistake, flaw and fault will come back to haunt you with excrutiating detail bringing fresh pain, and you will hurt all over again.
One thing of the many things that I've learned about hurt is that it digs deep and falls onto your soul like fiddle sticks and sticks into your heart like push pins. It is not contained to one little part of your spirit. Instead, it permeates your being and brings you into a place that has no light and is devoid of color.
I truly believe that you should allow yourself the opportunity to fully experience each emotion that springs from the well of your existence. Embracing the good of your character while constantly seeking to hide your imperfections does you an injustice. You should acknowledge each part of your being - good, bad and ugly.
Embrace the good. Give your best shot at reforming the bad. And sometimes, accept the ugly. In addressing all parts of who you are, even on bad days - remember, remember, remember and please do not ever forget to CELEBRATE, CELEBRATE, CELEBRATE YOURSELF!!!!!!!!
Because your conscience gets so buried under all that life throws at you, it's hard to remember.
Trust me, I know.
Because sometimes,
I forget that I'm fabulous.
12.20.2006
12.19.2006
I am not strong
Society places a lot of value on strength. Strong man. Strong medicine. Strength of Character. And I could go on.
Strength is a desirable characteristic to be endowed with. Most believe that if you are strong, you can withstand anything.
Many times in my life, I have been admired for my perceived strength.
Sometimes, it's not been strength at all. More often than not, what most mistakenly name strength in my character is something else altogether. Sometimes, it has been fear of failure, which is euphemistically called courage. Sometimes, I go on to keep from embarassing myself. This is where strength should more correctly be called pride. Then there are times when I put on my bravest face and see something through to the end because I do not want to be called a quitter. It is here that strength should be called stubborness. I must also mention the times when I stay the course because I really have no ideas on what I should be doing differently. Strength here should be called failure to have a backup plan.
I have come to realize that strong is not what I am. And I am okay with that because I do not need to be strong. For it is during my weakest times that I allow myself to rest on the strength of the Hands that move me. Yes, where I am weak, He is strong. During my weakest times, I lay burdens that I never should have tried to bear alone at His feet. I allow myself to be cradled in his arms and the two sets of footprints become one.
It is when I am most fearful, when I am most overwhelmed, when I am most troubled, that I am finally able to do what He wants me to do every day. I leave it all to Him and trust Him to direct my paths.
During these times, I am tasked with leaning not to mine own understanding. I aim to display grace under pressure. I strive to stand still so that He can move.
But strength, I do not pray for, I do not attempt to pull it from my reserves. Instead, I acknowledge my weakness and glory in His power.
For I am not strong.
Strength is a desirable characteristic to be endowed with. Most believe that if you are strong, you can withstand anything.
Many times in my life, I have been admired for my perceived strength.
Sometimes, it's not been strength at all. More often than not, what most mistakenly name strength in my character is something else altogether. Sometimes, it has been fear of failure, which is euphemistically called courage. Sometimes, I go on to keep from embarassing myself. This is where strength should more correctly be called pride. Then there are times when I put on my bravest face and see something through to the end because I do not want to be called a quitter. It is here that strength should be called stubborness. I must also mention the times when I stay the course because I really have no ideas on what I should be doing differently. Strength here should be called failure to have a backup plan.
I have come to realize that strong is not what I am. And I am okay with that because I do not need to be strong. For it is during my weakest times that I allow myself to rest on the strength of the Hands that move me. Yes, where I am weak, He is strong. During my weakest times, I lay burdens that I never should have tried to bear alone at His feet. I allow myself to be cradled in his arms and the two sets of footprints become one.
It is when I am most fearful, when I am most overwhelmed, when I am most troubled, that I am finally able to do what He wants me to do every day. I leave it all to Him and trust Him to direct my paths.
During these times, I am tasked with leaning not to mine own understanding. I aim to display grace under pressure. I strive to stand still so that He can move.
But strength, I do not pray for, I do not attempt to pull it from my reserves. Instead, I acknowledge my weakness and glory in His power.
For I am not strong.
12.07.2006
I had a Dream
Tonight, I had a dream.
It was so vivid, so real, so clear that I KNEW that I had to get up immediately and get it down before it retreated to the corners of my mind.
I dreamed that it was 1960 and that I was at a rally for Wilma Rudolph to encourage her and support her participation in the 1960 Olympics.
Speaker after speaker got up and proudly spoke solemn words of encouragement honoring the young runner.
I held my breath as the next speaker was announced. It was Coretta Scott King. Mrs. King in all her stately glory glided to the podium, removed her gloves and set them to the side. Then she eagerly leaned into the mike and with as much power and as might as she could muster, she yelled into the mike with a voice full of joy and and enthusiasm,
"RUN LIKE YOU'RE THE GREATEST!
RUN LIKE YOU'RE THE GREATEST!
RUN LIKE YOU'RE THE GREATEST!"
The crowd went wild.
Coretta Scott King said nothing further.
She politely gathered her gloves from the podium top, and in her trademark queenly manner swiftly left the podium where she was quickly ushered into a waiting car, to the still celebrating crowd.
Now, I don't know what made me dream about 1960, Wilma Rudolph or Coretta Scott King. 1960 was 12 years before I was born. My mother was 6 years old when Wilma Rudolph set Olympic records and brought home three gold medals. And from what I have read of the wife of the great Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. such an unrestrained outburst was not a part of her very dignified public persona.
But what I do know is that I had a dream and that I woke up wanting to run.
So whatever goals I am reaching for, whatever duties I am tasked with, whatever job I must complete, and in every area of my life, even the smallest things, I know that I must approach each single and collective effort like I'm the greatest!!!
It was so vivid, so real, so clear that I KNEW that I had to get up immediately and get it down before it retreated to the corners of my mind.
I dreamed that it was 1960 and that I was at a rally for Wilma Rudolph to encourage her and support her participation in the 1960 Olympics.
Speaker after speaker got up and proudly spoke solemn words of encouragement honoring the young runner.
I held my breath as the next speaker was announced. It was Coretta Scott King. Mrs. King in all her stately glory glided to the podium, removed her gloves and set them to the side. Then she eagerly leaned into the mike and with as much power and as might as she could muster, she yelled into the mike with a voice full of joy and and enthusiasm,
"RUN LIKE YOU'RE THE GREATEST!
RUN LIKE YOU'RE THE GREATEST!
RUN LIKE YOU'RE THE GREATEST!"
The crowd went wild.
Coretta Scott King said nothing further.
She politely gathered her gloves from the podium top, and in her trademark queenly manner swiftly left the podium where she was quickly ushered into a waiting car, to the still celebrating crowd.
Now, I don't know what made me dream about 1960, Wilma Rudolph or Coretta Scott King. 1960 was 12 years before I was born. My mother was 6 years old when Wilma Rudolph set Olympic records and brought home three gold medals. And from what I have read of the wife of the great Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. such an unrestrained outburst was not a part of her very dignified public persona.
But what I do know is that I had a dream and that I woke up wanting to run.
So whatever goals I am reaching for, whatever duties I am tasked with, whatever job I must complete, and in every area of my life, even the smallest things, I know that I must approach each single and collective effort like I'm the greatest!!!
11.17.2006
what i learned last night...
i went out last night...
i was bound and determined that i was going to somebody's spot...to drink somebody's mixed drink (just one) and spend some time conversing with somebody's son...
and i did just that...
the thing about is...i THOUGHT i was doing it because i needed a distraction from some of the relationship issues that my man and i have been dealing with...
i THOUGHT that smiling and flirting and innocently carrying on with someone who was guaranteed to compliment my good looks, comment on my fabulousness and sing my endless praise was what i needed to feed my ego...
that's what i THOUGHT....
as it turned out...i learned a very important lesson about my relationship...
let me take you back...
i walked into the very small, tightly packed spot...looking neither to the left, nor to the right...i was going to pass the bar and go directly to the enclosed patio that the establishment heats during the colder months...i paused at the stairs as someone was blocking my way...a fairly handsome young man pulled my coat and leaned into me and said, "i like how you walked in...you walked in like you owned the place." ego boost number one...
i smiled a polite thank you and kept it moving as i had no desire to stand in the middle of the high traffic area and carry on a conversation...besides...the boots that i had on have a two hour limit and i needed to sit down...
as i moved out onto the patio...i was actually quite surprised to find several tables open and i quickly found a seat close to one of the space heaters...
almost immediately after i ordered a drink and a bottled water...i was approached by a couple of guys...one of which was well groomed, polite and reserved with a friendly smile...HOWEVER...the friend that was with him damn near looked homeless...and of course...he was the drunkest one...and thereby, the loudest one and the most agressive one...and the one that INSISTED on paying for my drinks when the waitress brought my order...
after a few minutes of conversation with the D.O. (drunkest one)...where he complimented me repeatedly on my looks and my smile and that i seemed semi-intelligent (LOL) and that he REALLY liked me and he is the kind of man that when he sees something he wants he goes after it...i explained to him that i was not available as my significant other and i live together...
it was as if he didn't hear a word that i'd said...he began to try to capture my hands...the first two times he did that...i would just laugh and gently pull my hands back...the third time he leaned forward and pulled my hands toward him and tried to stick my fingers in his mouth...i snatched my hand back, looked him in the eye and very firmly said to him, "that's not cool. don't do that."
well, about this time...his well groomed, polite, reserved friend had come back up to the table and could easily see that while i was attempting to be courteous, the D.O. was really beginning to tick me off...
thankfully, he began to steer him away from me...and finally basically ended up going to get the D.O.'s brother who pulled him away from me...but...not before he got indignant with me and flat out asked me if he appealed to me...and because i was thoroughly done and disgusted...i simply said, "no."...and of course he had to get off one last parting shot..."see, i knew you couldn't appreciate a man like me. i could look at you and tell."...to that...i simply turned my head as a dismissal...i'd entertained that foolishness long enough...
no sooner than i'd breathed a sigh of relief...than shorty returns to my table...(that's the well groomed, polite guy - i forgot to mention he was a shorty)...
to make a long story short...he and i ended up having a nice conversation...he complimented me continuously...called me mysterious...and said a whole lot of ego boosting things...
i ended the night by allowing him to walk me to my truck...i even took his number...which i have already deleted...
but let me get to what i learned last night...
the D.O. actually just reminded me of something that i already knew...there's a lotta m'phkas out there that you just don't wanna damn deal with...
and in just replaying parts of my conversation with shorty...while it was a real ego booster...that i'd really needed...the compliments about my looks...my demeanor...his perception of my maturity....even the comment about how mysterious i seemed...all the while i was sitting back... listening...but thinking..."Yeah, but you really don't know me...if you knew me, i probably wouldn't seem all that damn mysterious...."
i realized that he was on the outside looking in...all they could see was the shell...they could not REALLY see ME....just an image that i'd created for the evening...
and what i realized about my relationship....is that because of some of the issues that he and i have been dealing with over the past couple of weeks....i have been so focused on what i perceive are his faults...and all of the things that i think he is doing wrong in this relationship...that i'd stopped seeing his image...i dismissed the things about him that are most wonderful....and that attracted me to him in the first place...
i wasn't seeing the bigger picture...
i am reminded of the quote, "familiarity breeds contempt."
it's amazing the way life teaches you lessons...it took a night out at a sportsbar to remind me how much i love this man...how wonderful i think he is and what a beautiful person he can be...
it took realizing what other people see in me...to remind me of what i see in him...
it's easy to be attracted to what you see on the outside of a person...it takes love to deal with what is on the inside of a person...we are not perfect beings and all of the inside is not good or easy to deal with...
and there's more...but i gotta get dressed for work...
holla....
i was bound and determined that i was going to somebody's spot...to drink somebody's mixed drink (just one) and spend some time conversing with somebody's son...
and i did just that...
the thing about is...i THOUGHT i was doing it because i needed a distraction from some of the relationship issues that my man and i have been dealing with...
i THOUGHT that smiling and flirting and innocently carrying on with someone who was guaranteed to compliment my good looks, comment on my fabulousness and sing my endless praise was what i needed to feed my ego...
that's what i THOUGHT....
as it turned out...i learned a very important lesson about my relationship...
let me take you back...
i walked into the very small, tightly packed spot...looking neither to the left, nor to the right...i was going to pass the bar and go directly to the enclosed patio that the establishment heats during the colder months...i paused at the stairs as someone was blocking my way...a fairly handsome young man pulled my coat and leaned into me and said, "i like how you walked in...you walked in like you owned the place." ego boost number one...
i smiled a polite thank you and kept it moving as i had no desire to stand in the middle of the high traffic area and carry on a conversation...besides...the boots that i had on have a two hour limit and i needed to sit down...
as i moved out onto the patio...i was actually quite surprised to find several tables open and i quickly found a seat close to one of the space heaters...
almost immediately after i ordered a drink and a bottled water...i was approached by a couple of guys...one of which was well groomed, polite and reserved with a friendly smile...HOWEVER...the friend that was with him damn near looked homeless...and of course...he was the drunkest one...and thereby, the loudest one and the most agressive one...and the one that INSISTED on paying for my drinks when the waitress brought my order...
after a few minutes of conversation with the D.O. (drunkest one)...where he complimented me repeatedly on my looks and my smile and that i seemed semi-intelligent (LOL) and that he REALLY liked me and he is the kind of man that when he sees something he wants he goes after it...i explained to him that i was not available as my significant other and i live together...
it was as if he didn't hear a word that i'd said...he began to try to capture my hands...the first two times he did that...i would just laugh and gently pull my hands back...the third time he leaned forward and pulled my hands toward him and tried to stick my fingers in his mouth...i snatched my hand back, looked him in the eye and very firmly said to him, "that's not cool. don't do that."
well, about this time...his well groomed, polite, reserved friend had come back up to the table and could easily see that while i was attempting to be courteous, the D.O. was really beginning to tick me off...
thankfully, he began to steer him away from me...and finally basically ended up going to get the D.O.'s brother who pulled him away from me...but...not before he got indignant with me and flat out asked me if he appealed to me...and because i was thoroughly done and disgusted...i simply said, "no."...and of course he had to get off one last parting shot..."see, i knew you couldn't appreciate a man like me. i could look at you and tell."...to that...i simply turned my head as a dismissal...i'd entertained that foolishness long enough...
no sooner than i'd breathed a sigh of relief...than shorty returns to my table...(that's the well groomed, polite guy - i forgot to mention he was a shorty)...
to make a long story short...he and i ended up having a nice conversation...he complimented me continuously...called me mysterious...and said a whole lot of ego boosting things...
i ended the night by allowing him to walk me to my truck...i even took his number...which i have already deleted...
but let me get to what i learned last night...
the D.O. actually just reminded me of something that i already knew...there's a lotta m'phkas out there that you just don't wanna damn deal with...
and in just replaying parts of my conversation with shorty...while it was a real ego booster...that i'd really needed...the compliments about my looks...my demeanor...his perception of my maturity....even the comment about how mysterious i seemed...all the while i was sitting back... listening...but thinking..."Yeah, but you really don't know me...if you knew me, i probably wouldn't seem all that damn mysterious...."
i realized that he was on the outside looking in...all they could see was the shell...they could not REALLY see ME....just an image that i'd created for the evening...
and what i realized about my relationship....is that because of some of the issues that he and i have been dealing with over the past couple of weeks....i have been so focused on what i perceive are his faults...and all of the things that i think he is doing wrong in this relationship...that i'd stopped seeing his image...i dismissed the things about him that are most wonderful....and that attracted me to him in the first place...
i wasn't seeing the bigger picture...
i am reminded of the quote, "familiarity breeds contempt."
it's amazing the way life teaches you lessons...it took a night out at a sportsbar to remind me how much i love this man...how wonderful i think he is and what a beautiful person he can be...
it took realizing what other people see in me...to remind me of what i see in him...
it's easy to be attracted to what you see on the outside of a person...it takes love to deal with what is on the inside of a person...we are not perfect beings and all of the inside is not good or easy to deal with...
and there's more...but i gotta get dressed for work...
holla....
10.21.2006
chris rock's mom sues cracker barrel
for racial discrimination...
operative word here...cracker...
any questions?
operative word here...cracker...
any questions?
10.19.2006
love is a many splintered thing...
and splinters hurt...
so, many changes have taken place in my life since i've last been posting on a regular basis...most not worth mentioning...but one very big step that i have to write about because i am at a point where i need to examine how i am feeling about how it's going...
TP and moved in together...or...more specifically, we moved into an apartment TOGETHER...because really...for all intents and purposes, we have been living together since july...(which is about the time that i'm certain you guys noticed that my blogging began to seriously fall off - it's like kendall meeks posted in her blog...being half of a couple is not good for blogging because blogging really is a solitary thing...)
at any rate...last month...we moved into OUR apartment...
and i have mixed feelings about it...sometimes...
most of the time...i am as happy as a pig in slop...(yeah, i'm Kuntree...)
but some times...i wonder if i am doing the right thing at all...i wonder from a spiritual / biblical perspective...i wonder from a 'why buy the cow?' perspective...i wonder from the 'need for me time' perspective..
and there is no way i can NOT mention the fact that my stepmom (who in all actuality is my ex-step father's last wife) had the audacity to say to me that tp and i were "doing it backwards" by deciding to live together...her exact words, "I don't see why y'all don't go ahead and get married instead of just living together."
i chose to politely and respectfully allow her to voice her opinions...nodding and smiling the whole while...
when really...what was in the back of my mind what i was saying to her was..."are you for real with this ish? i mean, really...ma...this coming from you? the woman who had an affair with my ex-stepdad while he was still married to my mother? he left my mother for you...the woman who gave birth to me? do you think that just because it was 16 years ago that I've forgotten? seriously?"
yeah, i know...forgive and forget and live and let live and so on...and really...in the past ten years, she really has stepped into the role of 'mother' to me...(as best as she can given that i was nearly 25 when we really begin to develop a relationship)...and because of that...most of the time...i give her all of the honor and respect that is due to her as a parent...
but sometimes...you just gotta call bullshit...bullshit...
so...yeah...i have a lot on my mind...
and as i am sitting here trying to type it all out...all of the thoughts that i want to address are running together like rush hour traffic at spaghetti junction...
lots of volume...but little movement and almost no progress...
(which is usually what happens to me when i venture out in deeper waters...)
and just like i always do...i am going to retreat to the kiddie pool...go pour myself a glass of tea...find the comfortable chair...put my feet up and commence with a very intense study of the back of my eyelids...
i will come back to this...there is so much more here....cause i really want to talk about how love on a day in / day out basis is not that "splendored" at all...it is something else altogether...
so, many changes have taken place in my life since i've last been posting on a regular basis...most not worth mentioning...but one very big step that i have to write about because i am at a point where i need to examine how i am feeling about how it's going...
TP and moved in together...or...more specifically, we moved into an apartment TOGETHER...because really...for all intents and purposes, we have been living together since july...(which is about the time that i'm certain you guys noticed that my blogging began to seriously fall off - it's like kendall meeks posted in her blog...being half of a couple is not good for blogging because blogging really is a solitary thing...)
at any rate...last month...we moved into OUR apartment...
and i have mixed feelings about it...sometimes...
most of the time...i am as happy as a pig in slop...(yeah, i'm Kuntree...)
but some times...i wonder if i am doing the right thing at all...i wonder from a spiritual / biblical perspective...i wonder from a 'why buy the cow?' perspective...i wonder from the 'need for me time' perspective..
and there is no way i can NOT mention the fact that my stepmom (who in all actuality is my ex-step father's last wife) had the audacity to say to me that tp and i were "doing it backwards" by deciding to live together...her exact words, "I don't see why y'all don't go ahead and get married instead of just living together."
i chose to politely and respectfully allow her to voice her opinions...nodding and smiling the whole while...
when really...what was in the back of my mind what i was saying to her was..."are you for real with this ish? i mean, really...ma...this coming from you? the woman who had an affair with my ex-stepdad while he was still married to my mother? he left my mother for you...the woman who gave birth to me? do you think that just because it was 16 years ago that I've forgotten? seriously?"
yeah, i know...forgive and forget and live and let live and so on...and really...in the past ten years, she really has stepped into the role of 'mother' to me...(as best as she can given that i was nearly 25 when we really begin to develop a relationship)...and because of that...most of the time...i give her all of the honor and respect that is due to her as a parent...
but sometimes...you just gotta call bullshit...bullshit...
so...yeah...i have a lot on my mind...
and as i am sitting here trying to type it all out...all of the thoughts that i want to address are running together like rush hour traffic at spaghetti junction...
lots of volume...but little movement and almost no progress...
(which is usually what happens to me when i venture out in deeper waters...)
and just like i always do...i am going to retreat to the kiddie pool...go pour myself a glass of tea...find the comfortable chair...put my feet up and commence with a very intense study of the back of my eyelids...
i will come back to this...there is so much more here....cause i really want to talk about how love on a day in / day out basis is not that "splendored" at all...it is something else altogether...
9.19.2006
childhood memory...
i have a younger cousin that told me what was supposed to be a
joke one time...
there was a lady who had a son's whose nickname was 'booty itch'...
unfortunately, booty itch got sick and died...
his mother was distraught...
she cried and cried and cried..."oh my booty itch...."
the preacher not knowing he sons nickname thought it strange that she would show her gried in that way...and her family knowing know way to console her...just let her cry...
she cried at the wake..."oh my booty itch...."
again...the preacher sttod by puzzled as her friends just let her cry...
she cried at the funeral all through the reverend's sermon..."oh my booty itch..."
and no one said a word...
she cried at the burial..."oh my booty itch..."
and just beside herself with grief...she made them open the casket....one last time...
"oh my booty itch..."
finally the preacher could stand it no longer...
he jumped up and starts yelling at the lady...
"well, sratch it sista, scratch it!!!!"
yeah...i know...damn near two months without blogging and THIS is what i come up with?
joke one time...
there was a lady who had a son's whose nickname was 'booty itch'...
unfortunately, booty itch got sick and died...
his mother was distraught...
she cried and cried and cried..."oh my booty itch...."
the preacher not knowing he sons nickname thought it strange that she would show her gried in that way...and her family knowing know way to console her...just let her cry...
she cried at the wake..."oh my booty itch...."
again...the preacher sttod by puzzled as her friends just let her cry...
she cried at the funeral all through the reverend's sermon..."oh my booty itch..."
and no one said a word...
she cried at the burial..."oh my booty itch..."
and just beside herself with grief...she made them open the casket....one last time...
"oh my booty itch..."
finally the preacher could stand it no longer...
he jumped up and starts yelling at the lady...
"well, sratch it sista, scratch it!!!!"
yeah...i know...damn near two months without blogging and THIS is what i come up with?
7.24.2006
time on my hands...
too much of it, in fact...
leaves me pondering dumb a ss questions of the universe....
like...
why does nut sack skin and nipple skin shrivel up in the exact same way?
like i said...too much time on my hands to think about irrelevant ish...i should spend the mental energy on something not quite so trivial...
but then too...consideration of above subject is exactly the 'shallow end of the pool' kinda stuff i like...
leaves me pondering dumb a ss questions of the universe....
like...
why does nut sack skin and nipple skin shrivel up in the exact same way?
like i said...too much time on my hands to think about irrelevant ish...i should spend the mental energy on something not quite so trivial...
but then too...consideration of above subject is exactly the 'shallow end of the pool' kinda stuff i like...
7.17.2006
what's on the mind of sJea?
well, ummmmmm.......
hmpf.....
let's see....
i got's nothing...
you got anything?
hmpf.....
let's see....
i got's nothing...
you got anything?
6.30.2006
just be IT!!!
you already know what day it is...
and in honor of the sweetness and flavor that is the ever lovely suga-n-spice...we will continue with the official friday proclamation....
IT IS FRIDAY....AND BY DAMMIT, WE WILL BE HAPPY!!!
and i urge you....don't wait on your happiness...
don't wait until you get that job...or pay off that bill...or buy that house....or find that relationship...
find something to be happy about today...
even it's a small thing...
because life is too short and there is too great a chance that while you are waiting to flip that happiness switch...you will wake up to find that life has passed you by...
or you may not wake up at all...
i believe that happiness is not a continual state of euphoria...
instead it is a string of encounters that make you smile...people in your life that you like and that love you in return...accomplishments that bring you satisfaction...jokes that make you laugh and the occasional occasions where you know joy unspeakable...
you just have to recognize it as such and choose to let your happiness outshine your burdens...
so...please, please, PLEASE...
don't wait on your happiness...
just be IT!!!
and in honor of the sweetness and flavor that is the ever lovely suga-n-spice...we will continue with the official friday proclamation....
IT IS FRIDAY....AND BY DAMMIT, WE WILL BE HAPPY!!!
and i urge you....don't wait on your happiness...
don't wait until you get that job...or pay off that bill...or buy that house....or find that relationship...
find something to be happy about today...
even it's a small thing...
because life is too short and there is too great a chance that while you are waiting to flip that happiness switch...you will wake up to find that life has passed you by...
or you may not wake up at all...
i believe that happiness is not a continual state of euphoria...
instead it is a string of encounters that make you smile...people in your life that you like and that love you in return...accomplishments that bring you satisfaction...jokes that make you laugh and the occasional occasions where you know joy unspeakable...
you just have to recognize it as such and choose to let your happiness outshine your burdens...
so...please, please, PLEASE...
don't wait on your happiness...
just be IT!!!
6.28.2006
afterthoughts...
remember that store?
claire's bought them out...in 1999...which takes me to the artist formerly known as...who along with that whole Y2K waste of money, time and resources...convinced us that the world was going to end at the stroke of midnight...or at least shortly thereafter...with the expected chaos...i was not out partying like it was 1999...i was sitting in the house on the couch with my then boyfriend tuned in to cnn thinking we'd see all these news reports of the world ending one time zone at a time...
anyway...back to the store...they sold accessories...you know earrings and watches and necklaces and bracelets and purses and scarves...and such...all the things that you could use to complete a look after you've bought an outfit...the last thing you would buy...
or...in other words...not anything that you really need...things that you could really actually do without...if we're being honest...
and let's be honest...i don't answer your calls because you call me at the oddest times....at 941p on saturday...at 1018p on wednesday night....at 813p on friday evening...
as if you'd done everything else you'd wanted to do that day...been everywhere you needed to go...seen all the people that you wanted to see..conversed with everyone else that you needed to talk to...
and finally....you get around to me...
as if i was the last thing on your mind...
an afterthought even....
claire's bought them out...in 1999...which takes me to the artist formerly known as...who along with that whole Y2K waste of money, time and resources...convinced us that the world was going to end at the stroke of midnight...or at least shortly thereafter...with the expected chaos...i was not out partying like it was 1999...i was sitting in the house on the couch with my then boyfriend tuned in to cnn thinking we'd see all these news reports of the world ending one time zone at a time...
anyway...back to the store...they sold accessories...you know earrings and watches and necklaces and bracelets and purses and scarves...and such...all the things that you could use to complete a look after you've bought an outfit...the last thing you would buy...
or...in other words...not anything that you really need...things that you could really actually do without...if we're being honest...
and let's be honest...i don't answer your calls because you call me at the oddest times....at 941p on saturday...at 1018p on wednesday night....at 813p on friday evening...
as if you'd done everything else you'd wanted to do that day...been everywhere you needed to go...seen all the people that you wanted to see..conversed with everyone else that you needed to talk to...
and finally....you get around to me...
as if i was the last thing on your mind...
an afterthought even....
6.24.2006
you oughta be in pictures...
my girlfriend is bald...yep...bald...or...actually...she has a high and tight...i know...cause i shaved her myself...
and now...my girlfriend feels like tony the tiger....
GGGGRRRREEEAATTTT!!!!!
and THAT is big news....
my girlfriend ain't been bald since the first moment a bit of peach fuzz began appearing on her triangly little head around about the age of 12...
now...one time...i did perm the hairs of the girlfriend...not that she needed it...cause i got good hair on my girlfriend....(you know i got indian in my family)....that's right...no taco meat here...
the perming of the hairs of the girlfriend were a result of total boredom one saturday night...too much time on my hands and a bit of left over dark and lovely...
i came away with a snatch that looked like it had just stuck it's clit in a socket...bad move...but...the hairs of the girlfriend did lay down really well coming out the shower...and were long enough to cornrow...well...maybe if i added a little bit of b35 weave...needless to say...the hairs of the girlfriend were trimmed to a respectable length immediately...
shortly afterwards....i purchased a mustache trimmer... (this was before i knew they sold mini women's shavers) and that is what i have been using to keep the hairs of the girlfriend in check...
well...recently...it was gently suggested to me that perhaps if the girlfriend were hairless, it would make a certain activity more enjoyable for a certain someone...
and here again...one night shortly thereafter....and as the result of total boredom...too much dayum time on my hands and a brand new shick lady razor that i bought ONLY because it comes with this neat little hook with a suction cup that hangs it on the wall of that shower...
i take the beautiful new razor out of its wrappings...step in the shower and commence to lathering up the girlfriend...
a short time later...after some creative bending, stretching, reaching and perching of my feet in some unusual places...i am left with an almost completely hairless girlfriend...i left the triangle be...just a close trim with the electric trimmer...
and i am amazed...the girlfriend not only looks great...but feels even better....
who knew the girlfriend's skin was so smooth?...it actually debunks the cliche as soft as a baby's bottom...i now know that a baby's bottom is so smooth only because it ain't got no hair on it...so...from this point on...i will know announce the cliche as...
as soft as a hairless girlfriend...
lo and behold...behold and lo...i am now even more in love with my girlfriend...i was in love with her already before...i mean she gives me such great pleasure...how could i not be?....but since she went hairless...that whole self love thing is like a new experience everytime...and the new feelings that i am experiencing when i.....okay, wait...overshare...i'm blushing here and i'm oh...wait...mini spasms in memory...let me step away for a moment...
okay...back...where was i?...oh...the...er...um...new feelings...okay....enough about that...
unexpected result....the girlfriend is really quite beautiful...looks like something out of one of THOSE magazines...
she oughta' be in pictures...
and now...my girlfriend feels like tony the tiger....
GGGGRRRREEEAATTTT!!!!!
and THAT is big news....
my girlfriend ain't been bald since the first moment a bit of peach fuzz began appearing on her triangly little head around about the age of 12...
now...one time...i did perm the hairs of the girlfriend...not that she needed it...cause i got good hair on my girlfriend....(you know i got indian in my family)....that's right...no taco meat here...
the perming of the hairs of the girlfriend were a result of total boredom one saturday night...too much time on my hands and a bit of left over dark and lovely...
i came away with a snatch that looked like it had just stuck it's clit in a socket...bad move...but...the hairs of the girlfriend did lay down really well coming out the shower...and were long enough to cornrow...well...maybe if i added a little bit of b35 weave...needless to say...the hairs of the girlfriend were trimmed to a respectable length immediately...
shortly afterwards....i purchased a mustache trimmer... (this was before i knew they sold mini women's shavers) and that is what i have been using to keep the hairs of the girlfriend in check...
well...recently...it was gently suggested to me that perhaps if the girlfriend were hairless, it would make a certain activity more enjoyable for a certain someone...
and here again...one night shortly thereafter....and as the result of total boredom...too much dayum time on my hands and a brand new shick lady razor that i bought ONLY because it comes with this neat little hook with a suction cup that hangs it on the wall of that shower...
i take the beautiful new razor out of its wrappings...step in the shower and commence to lathering up the girlfriend...
a short time later...after some creative bending, stretching, reaching and perching of my feet in some unusual places...i am left with an almost completely hairless girlfriend...i left the triangle be...just a close trim with the electric trimmer...
and i am amazed...the girlfriend not only looks great...but feels even better....
who knew the girlfriend's skin was so smooth?...it actually debunks the cliche as soft as a baby's bottom...i now know that a baby's bottom is so smooth only because it ain't got no hair on it...so...from this point on...i will know announce the cliche as...
as soft as a hairless girlfriend...
lo and behold...behold and lo...i am now even more in love with my girlfriend...i was in love with her already before...i mean she gives me such great pleasure...how could i not be?....but since she went hairless...that whole self love thing is like a new experience everytime...and the new feelings that i am experiencing when i.....okay, wait...overshare...i'm blushing here and i'm oh...wait...mini spasms in memory...let me step away for a moment...
okay...back...where was i?...oh...the...er...um...new feelings...okay....enough about that...
unexpected result....the girlfriend is really quite beautiful...looks like something out of one of THOSE magazines...
she oughta' be in pictures...
gvneneup?
gvneneup?
new word...pronounced "giving any up?"
word origin...the word verification phrase from sj's blog...
definition....well, i'll come back to that...
i've really got too much time on my hands...or actually...no...i don't...because right this moment...i should be somewhere on westview drive or laurel avenue getting ready to come up behind the hammond house, cross over peeples street to make the loop around the west end mall and head back to the house for the completion of a 5 mile walk before it gets africa hot out there....which this morning may remain overcast so...i'm thinking i've got a few minutes....
let me air out the dusty corners of my brain for a bit and talk about some things that i've been kicking around in the wading pool of my mind...and what i really mean here is...things that i'd planned on making a post out of...but in my infinite laziness...well...you know...excuses...and we all know what mary kay says about excuses..."Excuses are LIES."
at any rate...gvneneup?
yeah...i'm giving some up...in fact...just bought a new box of lifestyles...the 36 pak...
word definition...self explanatory...
new word...pronounced "giving any up?"
word origin...the word verification phrase from sj's blog...
definition....well, i'll come back to that...
i've really got too much time on my hands...or actually...no...i don't...because right this moment...i should be somewhere on westview drive or laurel avenue getting ready to come up behind the hammond house, cross over peeples street to make the loop around the west end mall and head back to the house for the completion of a 5 mile walk before it gets africa hot out there....which this morning may remain overcast so...i'm thinking i've got a few minutes....
let me air out the dusty corners of my brain for a bit and talk about some things that i've been kicking around in the wading pool of my mind...and what i really mean here is...things that i'd planned on making a post out of...but in my infinite laziness...well...you know...excuses...and we all know what mary kay says about excuses..."Excuses are LIES."
at any rate...gvneneup?
yeah...i'm giving some up...in fact...just bought a new box of lifestyles...the 36 pak...
word definition...self explanatory...
6.15.2006
happy birthday, @sswipe...
today's my ex-husband's birthday....
most of the time...i am actually quite thrilled at the fact.....
dayum...interruption here....why the hell is good morning america showing a rectal exam ON CAMERA???
okay...back to my regularly scheduled rant...
um what was i saying?...oh...the @sswipe's b-day...
most of the time...i am completely thrilled at the fact that he is my EX husband and totally pleased that things turned out the way they did...
i mean, hell, after two years and a half years of marriage, he left me for a damn stripper that he'd met less than a month before....
and to PROVE how strange my way of thinking is...i actually ADMIRE the fact that he left me almost immediately instead of trying to screw around with the stripper and maintain the marriage at the same time...
i guess dude realized that his multi-tasking skills are not up to par...
i still think it's rather fcuked up that he did it while i was pregnant, having my car repossessed and convincing the fort bragg housing authority kick me out of post housing while i was supposed to be on complete bedrest while carrying his child...
hence the @sswipe title for the day...
although, sometimes..........i wonder...how life would have been had things not happened the way they had...
i probably would not have miscarried at 20 weeks and my son, kevin kyler smith would have lived longer than 35 minutes and i would now be mother to a 9and a half year old...
um, just thinking about that makes my heart skip a beat...me? a mother? to a 10 year old black boy? in america? in these last and evil days?
on second thought....thank you so much, @sswipe...
and because i know you still check my blog out from time to time...please consider @sswipe a term of endearment...
the other day...when we were IM'ing...you asked for my phone number...and i didn't respond...in case you didn't figure it out...i'm not giving you my number...yeah...i paid some lip service to seeing you the next time you're in atlanta...
but...truth is....
we don't have anything to talk about...and i don't want to see you...
but not because of any lingering anger left over from 1997...
it's because i'm not your friend...remember...i said "let's CALL it friends and leave it at that." (translation: we don't really have to BE friends...)
think about it...there is really no point...there is nothing you can add to my life anymore...i am reminded about that bible verse that talks about only a dog returning to its own vomit (ew...not a good visual there)
and if you can't add anything...i'm certainly not going to allow you to take anything away...
i don't want to hear your lies about how unhappy you are with your wife...while you try to get next to me telling me that i'm still beautiful and that you still love me...(i know i've taken good care of myself in the last 9 years but i also know you don't love me...you just regret walking away from me because i live my life in a way that proves i never should have married yo' a ss in the first place...)
what you need to do is remember what made you notice your wife all those years ago...start back romancing her and fall in love with her all over again...
and...keep in mind...that while i will send a friendly email from time to time and engage in the occasional IM conversation....when i'm bored...especially when i'm bored...
all you are is a faint memory of a time past...a reminder of a relationship whose potential was never realized...the father of a child who was destined not to survive and whose delivery room inked footprints are still among my most precious possessions...
you are a blip on the radar of my life whose effect fades with each passing year...
even so..i am grateful for the lessons that knowing you taught me...figuring how to pick up and move on after a great life disaster...realizing that although i am not perfect, i am strong...learning that depression is a normal mental state (as long as you don't wallow in it)...that standing at the edge of insanity can make you really appreciate your sane days...and that even without you doing a thing life will go on...just as it always does...
but still i remember the date you were born...so..
happy birthday, @sswipe...
and i mean that in the nicest way possible...
most of the time...i am actually quite thrilled at the fact.....
dayum...interruption here....why the hell is good morning america showing a rectal exam ON CAMERA???
okay...back to my regularly scheduled rant...
um what was i saying?...oh...the @sswipe's b-day...
most of the time...i am completely thrilled at the fact that he is my EX husband and totally pleased that things turned out the way they did...
i mean, hell, after two years and a half years of marriage, he left me for a damn stripper that he'd met less than a month before....
and to PROVE how strange my way of thinking is...i actually ADMIRE the fact that he left me almost immediately instead of trying to screw around with the stripper and maintain the marriage at the same time...
i guess dude realized that his multi-tasking skills are not up to par...
i still think it's rather fcuked up that he did it while i was pregnant, having my car repossessed and convincing the fort bragg housing authority kick me out of post housing while i was supposed to be on complete bedrest while carrying his child...
hence the @sswipe title for the day...
although, sometimes..........i wonder...how life would have been had things not happened the way they had...
i probably would not have miscarried at 20 weeks and my son, kevin kyler smith would have lived longer than 35 minutes and i would now be mother to a 9and a half year old...
um, just thinking about that makes my heart skip a beat...me? a mother? to a 10 year old black boy? in america? in these last and evil days?
on second thought....thank you so much, @sswipe...
and because i know you still check my blog out from time to time...please consider @sswipe a term of endearment...
the other day...when we were IM'ing...you asked for my phone number...and i didn't respond...in case you didn't figure it out...i'm not giving you my number...yeah...i paid some lip service to seeing you the next time you're in atlanta...
but...truth is....
we don't have anything to talk about...and i don't want to see you...
but not because of any lingering anger left over from 1997...
it's because i'm not your friend...remember...i said "let's CALL it friends and leave it at that." (translation: we don't really have to BE friends...)
think about it...there is really no point...there is nothing you can add to my life anymore...i am reminded about that bible verse that talks about only a dog returning to its own vomit (ew...not a good visual there)
and if you can't add anything...i'm certainly not going to allow you to take anything away...
i don't want to hear your lies about how unhappy you are with your wife...while you try to get next to me telling me that i'm still beautiful and that you still love me...(i know i've taken good care of myself in the last 9 years but i also know you don't love me...you just regret walking away from me because i live my life in a way that proves i never should have married yo' a ss in the first place...)
what you need to do is remember what made you notice your wife all those years ago...start back romancing her and fall in love with her all over again...
and...keep in mind...that while i will send a friendly email from time to time and engage in the occasional IM conversation....when i'm bored...especially when i'm bored...
all you are is a faint memory of a time past...a reminder of a relationship whose potential was never realized...the father of a child who was destined not to survive and whose delivery room inked footprints are still among my most precious possessions...
you are a blip on the radar of my life whose effect fades with each passing year...
even so..i am grateful for the lessons that knowing you taught me...figuring how to pick up and move on after a great life disaster...realizing that although i am not perfect, i am strong...learning that depression is a normal mental state (as long as you don't wallow in it)...that standing at the edge of insanity can make you really appreciate your sane days...and that even without you doing a thing life will go on...just as it always does...
but still i remember the date you were born...so..
happy birthday, @sswipe...
and i mean that in the nicest way possible...
6.10.2006
190.4...a new number...
six months ago...
and promised you that in 6 months...i would tell you what it meant....
well...that was my weight on january 9, 2006...and was VERY unhappy about it...and it was starting to effect my health...my breathing was becoming difficult when lying down, my digestive tract was off and i didn't sleep through the night....
well...here we are 31.4 pounds lighter...and i am really feeling much, much better...
i am no longer having any respiratory or digestive issues and i now easily sleep through the night...and my speed around the softball diamond has increased...not to mention...i have fewer shin splints...and no longer worry with knee or back pain...
the weight loss doctor that i am working with wants me to get down to 170...she says that 170 is a good weight for my 5'10" height and will give me a normal bmi...
although...i'm actually feeling like i want to stop at 180...i will decide as i am nearing those numbers...
because i don't want to be a skinny b!tch...
plus...don't nothin' but a dog want a bone...
and promised you that in 6 months...i would tell you what it meant....
well...that was my weight on january 9, 2006...and was VERY unhappy about it...and it was starting to effect my health...my breathing was becoming difficult when lying down, my digestive tract was off and i didn't sleep through the night....
well...here we are 31.4 pounds lighter...and i am really feeling much, much better...
i am no longer having any respiratory or digestive issues and i now easily sleep through the night...and my speed around the softball diamond has increased...not to mention...i have fewer shin splints...and no longer worry with knee or back pain...
the weight loss doctor that i am working with wants me to get down to 170...she says that 170 is a good weight for my 5'10" height and will give me a normal bmi...
although...i'm actually feeling like i want to stop at 180...i will decide as i am nearing those numbers...
because i don't want to be a skinny b!tch...
plus...don't nothin' but a dog want a bone...
6.08.2006
fears...
early morning conversation....
him: i love you..and i don't ever want to lose you...
her: i love you 2...and i never want you to walk away...
him: i love you..and i don't ever want to lose you...
her: i love you 2...and i never want you to walk away...
6.07.2006
i want to always remember...
i want to always remember this day...
i want to always remember the sun...
always remember the crowd...
remember the clouds in the sky...
always remember the music...
i want to always remember this feeling...
i want to always remember you...
6.06.2006
what is love?
i've been coming into realization that i just don't fall in love like i used to...
i fall into like...i fall into lust...i fall into fondness...i fall into admiration...but i just haven't fallen in love...
so much so...that i have been trying to answer the question of what love means to ME...not society's definition...but my own...
because of that...i really believe that while i have been loved in my life...i have yet to really experience THAT love...
whatever THAT love happens to be...
and i've come to realize that i must be patient for it...because everything that sounds like love and looks like love and feels like love and smells like love...
is something else altogether...
and i am afraid that i may not recognize it at the encounter and that it just may pass me by....
i fall into like...i fall into lust...i fall into fondness...i fall into admiration...but i just haven't fallen in love...
so much so...that i have been trying to answer the question of what love means to ME...not society's definition...but my own...
because of that...i really believe that while i have been loved in my life...i have yet to really experience THAT love...
whatever THAT love happens to be...
and i've come to realize that i must be patient for it...because everything that sounds like love and looks like love and feels like love and smells like love...
is something else altogether...
and i am afraid that i may not recognize it at the encounter and that it just may pass me by....
6.04.2006
Piece of a Dream
I had this dream that I used to keep high on this shelf. It was a visual display of every hope that I had resting upon this THIS that you and I were making up as we went along.
I can clearly remember the day this dreamscape began to form in my mind. Our paths crossed at a time and place so unexpected and in a way that was so delightful, I was convinced that it must be destiny.
So, I set up my canvas and began to choose my colors and consider my technique to determine what style this artistic creation would be. As days moved into weeks and into months, my vision became clearer and a magnificent montage of moments developed from the darkroom of my mind into a scene that was sometimes Monet-esque in its muted beauty, Grandma Moses-like in its simplicity, reminiscent of Norman Rockwell in its All-American-ness and perhaps even held abstract shades of Picasso's most intruiging creations.
It was a lovely happily ever after I dreamed up for you and I. A crazy combination of totally different styles of visual expression colored in by love, laughter and passion that somehow meshed into perfect picture of all that I knew we could be.
One day, I was cleaning up a few dusty places, re-organizing some areas and throwing out the things that I no longer needed. I pulled my dream down off its shelf and upon close inspection, I found that some of its colors had faded. The vivid reds, bright blues and striking yellows had somehow lost their lustiness over time. And seemingly from nowhere, pieces of my portrait were missing. Entire scenes erased with no explanation.
Hoping you could help me figure out what was wrong with this picture, I turned to you. Looking into your eyes, I instantly realized that although you stood only a few feet from me, we had grown so far apart that you may as well have been half a world away. The shock of that blinding moment of clarity caused me to lose my grip on the handmade frame. I was held rigid as it slipped from my grasp and crashed to the floor. My dream lay shattered in a million pieces.
Wordlessly, you turned and walked away, leaving me alone to clean up the mess that we had made together.
Heartbroken, I pushed the debris into a closet and closed the door. I knew that I needed to retreat into my special place, take time to regain my composure and figure out to move on.
Slowly, I found the path to renewal and began to heal and determined that from this, I would become stronger. I soon returned to the place of my brokenness armed with cleaning supplies and the knowledge that it was time to clear my closet of this skeleton.
I paused over some of the scenes. My Monet-esque scenes were even blurrier through the tears that were cleansing my spirit. I could see the influence of my own elder mother's advice in the practical poses of my Grandma Moses phase. My childlike hope for a storybook life was evident in the places that I created the scenarios of a Black Norman Rockwell. And in a strange way, the purported madness of Picasso was easily evident in the randomly patternless abstract shards that I found.
As I discarded the broken bits of who I wanted us to be, I noticed a particularly beautiful scene that I knew that I did not want part with.
So, I took this piece of that dream and put it back up on my shelf. From time to time, I pull it down, take it to my special place and sit in the sun remembering what was good about this dream.
Knowing that life continually presents me with new dreams to dream.
I can clearly remember the day this dreamscape began to form in my mind. Our paths crossed at a time and place so unexpected and in a way that was so delightful, I was convinced that it must be destiny.
So, I set up my canvas and began to choose my colors and consider my technique to determine what style this artistic creation would be. As days moved into weeks and into months, my vision became clearer and a magnificent montage of moments developed from the darkroom of my mind into a scene that was sometimes Monet-esque in its muted beauty, Grandma Moses-like in its simplicity, reminiscent of Norman Rockwell in its All-American-ness and perhaps even held abstract shades of Picasso's most intruiging creations.
It was a lovely happily ever after I dreamed up for you and I. A crazy combination of totally different styles of visual expression colored in by love, laughter and passion that somehow meshed into perfect picture of all that I knew we could be.
One day, I was cleaning up a few dusty places, re-organizing some areas and throwing out the things that I no longer needed. I pulled my dream down off its shelf and upon close inspection, I found that some of its colors had faded. The vivid reds, bright blues and striking yellows had somehow lost their lustiness over time. And seemingly from nowhere, pieces of my portrait were missing. Entire scenes erased with no explanation.
Hoping you could help me figure out what was wrong with this picture, I turned to you. Looking into your eyes, I instantly realized that although you stood only a few feet from me, we had grown so far apart that you may as well have been half a world away. The shock of that blinding moment of clarity caused me to lose my grip on the handmade frame. I was held rigid as it slipped from my grasp and crashed to the floor. My dream lay shattered in a million pieces.
Wordlessly, you turned and walked away, leaving me alone to clean up the mess that we had made together.
Heartbroken, I pushed the debris into a closet and closed the door. I knew that I needed to retreat into my special place, take time to regain my composure and figure out to move on.
Slowly, I found the path to renewal and began to heal and determined that from this, I would become stronger. I soon returned to the place of my brokenness armed with cleaning supplies and the knowledge that it was time to clear my closet of this skeleton.
I paused over some of the scenes. My Monet-esque scenes were even blurrier through the tears that were cleansing my spirit. I could see the influence of my own elder mother's advice in the practical poses of my Grandma Moses phase. My childlike hope for a storybook life was evident in the places that I created the scenarios of a Black Norman Rockwell. And in a strange way, the purported madness of Picasso was easily evident in the randomly patternless abstract shards that I found.
As I discarded the broken bits of who I wanted us to be, I noticed a particularly beautiful scene that I knew that I did not want part with.
So, I took this piece of that dream and put it back up on my shelf. From time to time, I pull it down, take it to my special place and sit in the sun remembering what was good about this dream.
Knowing that life continually presents me with new dreams to dream.
6.01.2006
whispers...
My heart is whispering words that I don't want my mind to hear. I have been to this fork in the road before. And while I know that I cannot freeze time and hold at just this point in the road, I wish that I could.
So, while the roads are diverging like a mu-phucka, I do not want to take the old familiar road nor do I have interest in the road less traveled.
I just want to stay still, right at this place. I want to stand silent in reflection of what has brought me to this place. I want to lie down and wallow in the warmth of this moment. I want to sit in the eternal sunshine of this spotless time.
And I want to close my ears to the words that my heart keeps whispering.
I do not want the feelings that my heart is dancing around to take root in my thoughts. I am not ready to consider the possibilities or the limits of all that could be or not. I do not want to acknowledge the fear that will inevitably creep up on me.
The thoughts, the possibilities, the limits, the fear.
And the whispers.....of love...
So, while the roads are diverging like a mu-phucka, I do not want to take the old familiar road nor do I have interest in the road less traveled.
I just want to stay still, right at this place. I want to stand silent in reflection of what has brought me to this place. I want to lie down and wallow in the warmth of this moment. I want to sit in the eternal sunshine of this spotless time.
And I want to close my ears to the words that my heart keeps whispering.
I do not want the feelings that my heart is dancing around to take root in my thoughts. I am not ready to consider the possibilities or the limits of all that could be or not. I do not want to acknowledge the fear that will inevitably creep up on me.
The thoughts, the possibilities, the limits, the fear.
And the whispers.....of love...
5.19.2006
5.12.2006
public displays...
the sexiest displays of affection usually have nothing to do with kissing or groping...
there's something about the way happy lovers can't keep their hands or their eyes off each other that will tell you the depth of their passion...
it can be a slight as his hand at the small of her back or her finger hanging onto his belt loop...
it can be a shared smile and a low chuckle that hints of memories and secrets that lie only between them and the percale sheets that they lay upon...
it can be a softly whispered nickname that carries a hidden meaning just for two...
it can be finishing each other's sentences or speaking volumes without a single word...
it can be his chin on her shoulder or her hand on his thigh...
it can be that silent communication that speaks of love...
there's something about the way happy lovers can't keep their hands or their eyes off each other that will tell you the depth of their passion...
it can be a slight as his hand at the small of her back or her finger hanging onto his belt loop...
it can be a shared smile and a low chuckle that hints of memories and secrets that lie only between them and the percale sheets that they lay upon...
it can be a softly whispered nickname that carries a hidden meaning just for two...
it can be finishing each other's sentences or speaking volumes without a single word...
it can be his chin on her shoulder or her hand on his thigh...
it can be that silent communication that speaks of love...
5.07.2006
grey hair...
since i turned 30 and ma'dayum body began falling apart...i have had about three hairs on my chin that i have to pluck every three weeks or so...or at least as often as i put my hand on my chin and feel them sticking out long enough to grasp with the tweezers...
so...i'm sitting here watching grey's anatomy and i put my hand on my chin to find that my three chin hairs are long enough to pull out...
i ran to the bathroom during the next commercial break beelining directly to my trusty tweezers...stepped in front of the mirror...tilted my head back ever so slightly...moved into position to grasp the pesky offending trio...and damn near had a heart attack...
one of the gah-damn chin hairs was grey...
ain't THAT a bitch?
so...i'm sitting here watching grey's anatomy and i put my hand on my chin to find that my three chin hairs are long enough to pull out...
i ran to the bathroom during the next commercial break beelining directly to my trusty tweezers...stepped in front of the mirror...tilted my head back ever so slightly...moved into position to grasp the pesky offending trio...and damn near had a heart attack...
one of the gah-damn chin hairs was grey...
ain't THAT a bitch?
5.06.2006
basic principles of success
haven't been writing lately...
have had to go dark for a minute...
i am working on some life altering shit...emotional...physical...and financial...
i wanted to share with you some advice from a character in a john grisham novel that i read recently...
1...when you fall, pick yourself up
2...set goals
3...work harder than everybody else
4...stick to the basics
5...execute perfectly
6...be confident
7...be brave
8...never, ever quit
and this is nothing that you haven't heard in some way, shape, form, fashion...in the same words, similiar words or other words...it's just that when i read it...it came at a time when i really needed to be reminded of the basic principles of success...perfect timing for such a time as this...
so...i'm passing it along in case any of you who honor me with periodic fractions of your lives needed to be reminded too...
i'm keeping my head down for a couple more months...
when i'm back in the swing of things...you'll get an update...
wish me luck...
have had to go dark for a minute...
i am working on some life altering shit...emotional...physical...and financial...
i wanted to share with you some advice from a character in a john grisham novel that i read recently...
1...when you fall, pick yourself up
2...set goals
3...work harder than everybody else
4...stick to the basics
5...execute perfectly
6...be confident
7...be brave
8...never, ever quit
and this is nothing that you haven't heard in some way, shape, form, fashion...in the same words, similiar words or other words...it's just that when i read it...it came at a time when i really needed to be reminded of the basic principles of success...perfect timing for such a time as this...
so...i'm passing it along in case any of you who honor me with periodic fractions of your lives needed to be reminded too...
i'm keeping my head down for a couple more months...
when i'm back in the swing of things...you'll get an update...
wish me luck...
3.30.2006
words i didn't say...
i am whispering...so that you can act like you can't hear me and we can say we never had this conversation...
you see...together...we decided to build this box...so that we could climb inside and shut out the rest of the world...because we wanted to find a few moments of peace...of laughter and of passion...
in this made up place...we are the only two people that matter...dancing an intentional dance leading us to an amazing place where only good things happen...a wooing process...
you are like a dream come true...consistently bringing joy into my life...you keep me dancing on clouds...
and within the walls of this fantasyland that we have created...i find myself in love...
so...i ask the question...is it real or is it just make believe?
but remember...i'm still whispering...and you're still pretending like you can't hear me...and i never spoke these words...
you see...together...we decided to build this box...so that we could climb inside and shut out the rest of the world...because we wanted to find a few moments of peace...of laughter and of passion...
in this made up place...we are the only two people that matter...dancing an intentional dance leading us to an amazing place where only good things happen...a wooing process...
you are like a dream come true...consistently bringing joy into my life...you keep me dancing on clouds...
and within the walls of this fantasyland that we have created...i find myself in love...
so...i ask the question...is it real or is it just make believe?
but remember...i'm still whispering...and you're still pretending like you can't hear me...and i never spoke these words...
3.22.2006
moving on up to the good times...
i've got too much time on my hands...obviously...
isabel sanford...mrs. jefferson...louise...weezy...did her ass have a job?...and what about helen thomas?...did she work either?...how many cleaners did george own?...HAD to have been more than one...didn't you think lionel was spoiled?...and what about ALL black jenny?...did anybody besides george ever leave the apartment?...am i the only person that thought george's momma was ugly?...i mean...i know she was old...but she was old and Fugly...translation - fucking ugly...
by contrast...you know that broke ass evans family HAD to have jobs...shit...they should have even put michael's bitxh ass on the street and let him bring in some dough...something...their asses were ALWAYS struggling...now that was real life television...not like today...do we even have any broke ass black families on television today?...i can't think of any...
and we should have at least one...at least one black family that defines the struggle...what it's like when the lights are about to get cut off....your phone gets cut off and you're happy cause that means the bill collectors can't call your ass no mo'...and you're hiding your high interest expedition from the hook man by parking it at the apartments two blocks down...and offer us some creative problem solving tips....you know...
cash all your checks at the check cashing place...it's in the neighborhood so it saves you on gas for a trip to the bank...never mind that they gon' take half ya' damn check....write a check at the payday loan office so that you can spend the next six years trying to pay back $350....get your lights turned on in your MOMMANAME....cut up sausages in ramen noodles, serve it with some red kool aid and call it a balanced meal....never get to work on time and call out sick at least three times a month....just cause your black ass ain't felt like going that day...get your money by claiming you hurt your back and get declared totally disabled indefinitely by some unscrupulous ass doctor who is working in conjunction with that shiesty ass lawyer you've got handling your bullsh it case...
we can call the show....THE NEW PLANTATION
subtitled....HOW TO KEEP YOUR BLACK ASS OPPRESSED AND IN POVERTY IN THE NEW MILLENIUM
isabel sanford...mrs. jefferson...louise...weezy...did her ass have a job?...and what about helen thomas?...did she work either?...how many cleaners did george own?...HAD to have been more than one...didn't you think lionel was spoiled?...and what about ALL black jenny?...did anybody besides george ever leave the apartment?...am i the only person that thought george's momma was ugly?...i mean...i know she was old...but she was old and Fugly...translation - fucking ugly...
by contrast...you know that broke ass evans family HAD to have jobs...shit...they should have even put michael's bitxh ass on the street and let him bring in some dough...something...their asses were ALWAYS struggling...now that was real life television...not like today...do we even have any broke ass black families on television today?...i can't think of any...
and we should have at least one...at least one black family that defines the struggle...what it's like when the lights are about to get cut off....your phone gets cut off and you're happy cause that means the bill collectors can't call your ass no mo'...and you're hiding your high interest expedition from the hook man by parking it at the apartments two blocks down...and offer us some creative problem solving tips....you know...
cash all your checks at the check cashing place...it's in the neighborhood so it saves you on gas for a trip to the bank...never mind that they gon' take half ya' damn check....write a check at the payday loan office so that you can spend the next six years trying to pay back $350....get your lights turned on in your MOMMANAME....cut up sausages in ramen noodles, serve it with some red kool aid and call it a balanced meal....never get to work on time and call out sick at least three times a month....just cause your black ass ain't felt like going that day...get your money by claiming you hurt your back and get declared totally disabled indefinitely by some unscrupulous ass doctor who is working in conjunction with that shiesty ass lawyer you've got handling your bullsh it case...
we can call the show....THE NEW PLANTATION
subtitled....HOW TO KEEP YOUR BLACK ASS OPPRESSED AND IN POVERTY IN THE NEW MILLENIUM
3.19.2006
34.5
you know...there's just something about reaching a point in your life where you learn a lot of things about yourself...you learn what does and doesn't work for you..and as long as you don't allow yourself to fall into a rut...that's a pretty cool thing...
recently...i learned something about myself...it is something that used to give me pause...made me question things about my sexual openness or lack thereof...
what is this thing?...the 69 position...i don't like it...it doesn't do it for me...like 7up...never had it...never will...
the logic that i used to use was that i couldn't concentrate...that there was too much going on...i couldn't properly enjoy what was going on for me because of what i needed to be doing...and i couldn't perform my assigned task to the best of my ability because i was being distracted by the pleasure originating in my nether regions...
and for the most part...that is quite a true statment...
but i have since reached the total conclusion on why i don't do 69...
i'm too doggone tall...
my 5'10" frame...when turned upside down...puts me at least 3 inches past where i need to be...it takes far too much contortionism to get a good angle on the dizzle...and THAT is the root of my frustration when it comes to the 69...
when the dizzle ends up somewhere near the middle of my chest...it is physically impossible to get a good bobblehead rhythm going when you're trying to put your chin down between your d cups...
so...it's official...going forward...i will be participating in no form of sexual activity that even remotely resembles a 69 position...
now...34.5...THAT's a different story altogether...
recently...i learned something about myself...it is something that used to give me pause...made me question things about my sexual openness or lack thereof...
what is this thing?...the 69 position...i don't like it...it doesn't do it for me...like 7up...never had it...never will...
the logic that i used to use was that i couldn't concentrate...that there was too much going on...i couldn't properly enjoy what was going on for me because of what i needed to be doing...and i couldn't perform my assigned task to the best of my ability because i was being distracted by the pleasure originating in my nether regions...
and for the most part...that is quite a true statment...
but i have since reached the total conclusion on why i don't do 69...
i'm too doggone tall...
my 5'10" frame...when turned upside down...puts me at least 3 inches past where i need to be...it takes far too much contortionism to get a good angle on the dizzle...and THAT is the root of my frustration when it comes to the 69...
when the dizzle ends up somewhere near the middle of my chest...it is physically impossible to get a good bobblehead rhythm going when you're trying to put your chin down between your d cups...
so...it's official...going forward...i will be participating in no form of sexual activity that even remotely resembles a 69 position...
now...34.5...THAT's a different story altogether...
3.15.2006
nothing short of amazing...
I know how I want to be loved. I know how I want to feel when I look into my lover's eyes and when I am wrapped in his arms.
I know the connection that I want us to have and the level of communication I expect us to share.
I know the strength of commitment that will bind us together even when we are apart.
I know how I want this man to think of me. I want him to realize that while I am imperfectly human plagued faults and shortcomings, I am the perfect compliment to all that he is and all that he aspires to be. I want a lover that finds me continually interesting, intriguing and utterly remarkable.
I want the kind of love that is renewed daily and that defines joy.
I want a love that is nothing short of amazing.
I know the connection that I want us to have and the level of communication I expect us to share.
I know the strength of commitment that will bind us together even when we are apart.
I know how I want this man to think of me. I want him to realize that while I am imperfectly human plagued faults and shortcomings, I am the perfect compliment to all that he is and all that he aspires to be. I want a lover that finds me continually interesting, intriguing and utterly remarkable.
I want the kind of love that is renewed daily and that defines joy.
I want a love that is nothing short of amazing.
2.27.2006
if love...
if i could see love...
it would look like the first ray of light after a dark stormy night...
it would be the color of rain on sun parched fields...
it would be waves of the ocean continually kissing the beach and caressing the grains of sand...
if i could smell love...
it would carry the fragrance of a dozen roses...
the pungent scent of summer rain...
it would smell like baby's breath...
if i could talk with love...
there would be no empty promises unfulfilled...
it would be a whispered conversation of sweet words...
and it's voice would sound just like yours...
if i could dance with love...
it would be fast paced tango...
it would be a slow waltz...
and we would step in the name of love all at the same time...
if i could taste love...
it would taste like vanilla ice cream...
it would melt like chocolate...in my mouth AND in my hand...
it would be calorie free, less filling and taste great...
if i could look into love's eyes...
i would fall deep into the pools of its soul...
i would find myself from within...
and i would see reflections of you...
it would look like the first ray of light after a dark stormy night...
it would be the color of rain on sun parched fields...
it would be waves of the ocean continually kissing the beach and caressing the grains of sand...
if i could smell love...
it would carry the fragrance of a dozen roses...
the pungent scent of summer rain...
it would smell like baby's breath...
if i could talk with love...
there would be no empty promises unfulfilled...
it would be a whispered conversation of sweet words...
and it's voice would sound just like yours...
if i could dance with love...
it would be fast paced tango...
it would be a slow waltz...
and we would step in the name of love all at the same time...
if i could taste love...
it would taste like vanilla ice cream...
it would melt like chocolate...in my mouth AND in my hand...
it would be calorie free, less filling and taste great...
if i could look into love's eyes...
i would fall deep into the pools of its soul...
i would find myself from within...
and i would see reflections of you...
2.21.2006
Imagine Me - Kirk Franklin - Hero
Imagine me
Loving what I see when the mirror looks at me
Cause I imagine me.
In a place of no insecurities and I'm finally happy
Cause I imagine me.
Letting go of all of the ones who hurt me
cause they never did deserve me,
Can you imagine me?
Saying no to thoughts that try to control me,
remembering all You told me,
Lord, can you imagine me?
Over what my momma said,
Free from what my daddy did
and I wanna live
and not read that page again.
Imagine me Being strong
and not letting people break me down,
you won't get that joy this time around.
Can you imagine me?
In a world, in a world where nobody has to be afraid,
because of your love, it's gone away?
Can you imagine me?
Letting go of my past
and glad I have another chance and glad to dance
cause I don't have to read that page again.
Imagine me,
being free,
trusting you totally,
finally I can imagine me,
I admit it was hard to see
you being in love with someone like me,
finally I can imagine me.
Loving what I see when the mirror looks at me
Cause I imagine me.
In a place of no insecurities and I'm finally happy
Cause I imagine me.
Letting go of all of the ones who hurt me
cause they never did deserve me,
Can you imagine me?
Saying no to thoughts that try to control me,
remembering all You told me,
Lord, can you imagine me?
Over what my momma said,
Free from what my daddy did
and I wanna live
and not read that page again.
Imagine me Being strong
and not letting people break me down,
you won't get that joy this time around.
Can you imagine me?
In a world, in a world where nobody has to be afraid,
because of your love, it's gone away?
Can you imagine me?
Letting go of my past
and glad I have another chance and glad to dance
cause I don't have to read that page again.
Imagine me,
being free,
trusting you totally,
finally I can imagine me,
I admit it was hard to see
you being in love with someone like me,
finally I can imagine me.
2.13.2006
and then sometimes...
i just want to say...f uck it all...
maybe it was never real in the first damn place...
maybe it was never real in the first damn place...
2.06.2006
might as well tell the truth...
it hurts that my blog family isn't my blog family anymore...i miss the daily interaction with them and the one on one and in person get togethers...
i must accept my part in what happened to change things and who knows...maybe it's all my fault...
but...never in all my life have i felt so excluded from the inner circle...i have always just taken for granted my right to belong...in any place, situation...at the center of attention...not that i have a overblown desire for the spotlight...but because i love the interaction with other people...
we are all connected...and that connection breathes life into my soul...and the severing of this connection pains me...in ways...
at times...i want to get down on hands and knees and beg and kiss any ass that i need to kiss to be again considered 'friend'...
then other times...i am angry...and questioning...why was i so discounted as a person that an entire group of people could just seemingly turn their backs on me and pretend that i don't exist?
it hurts...it really, really hurts...and that is the truth that i've been trying to avoid...
but my avoidance...doesn't make it not true...
i must accept my part in what happened to change things and who knows...maybe it's all my fault...
but...never in all my life have i felt so excluded from the inner circle...i have always just taken for granted my right to belong...in any place, situation...at the center of attention...not that i have a overblown desire for the spotlight...but because i love the interaction with other people...
we are all connected...and that connection breathes life into my soul...and the severing of this connection pains me...in ways...
at times...i want to get down on hands and knees and beg and kiss any ass that i need to kiss to be again considered 'friend'...
then other times...i am angry...and questioning...why was i so discounted as a person that an entire group of people could just seemingly turn their backs on me and pretend that i don't exist?
it hurts...it really, really hurts...and that is the truth that i've been trying to avoid...
but my avoidance...doesn't make it not true...
1.17.2006
a good man...
i might not know a good man when i see one, but i know a good man when one is loving me...
i might not know a good man when we pass on the street, but i know a good man when he holds me in high regard, respects me in the way a gentleman should and shows me a character of honesty, integrity and loyalty…
i know when a good man is walking the talk…
i know when a good man shows me better than he tells me…
i know when a good man holds my hand and leads on the path to joy and laughter…
i know when a good man is stuck to me like glue when times are bad and good…
i know how to recognize the support of a good man when he has my back…when the world is
beating me down and he holds me close and whispers in my ear, “don’t worry, baby - i got you.”
i know when a good man stands beside me and together we present a unified front…
i know when a good man loves me like i want to be loved…like i am the most important thing in his universe and like without me, he is not whole…
i know a good man because a good man is all good…
i might not know a good man when we pass on the street, but i know a good man when he holds me in high regard, respects me in the way a gentleman should and shows me a character of honesty, integrity and loyalty…
i know when a good man is walking the talk…
i know when a good man shows me better than he tells me…
i know when a good man holds my hand and leads on the path to joy and laughter…
i know when a good man is stuck to me like glue when times are bad and good…
i know how to recognize the support of a good man when he has my back…when the world is
beating me down and he holds me close and whispers in my ear, “don’t worry, baby - i got you.”
i know when a good man stands beside me and together we present a unified front…
i know when a good man loves me like i want to be loved…like i am the most important thing in his universe and like without me, he is not whole…
i know a good man because a good man is all good…
1.12.2006
sista, can ya' spare a dime?
last night...i had to work my part time gig...i decided to go out into the cnn center atrium to get some dinner for two reasons...no.1...the food inside philips arena is just too dayum expensive...and no 2...there is very little in the way of healthy food to be found at a sports arena...
thusly...(is that a word?)....i am standing in line at the wendy's counter when a dude who is obviously homeless approaches me and doesn't offer a word of greeting or even ask how i'm doing...the words out of his mouth...
"Are you treatin' tonight?"
my response...
"No, I'm not."...from which i turned my back and immediately forgot he existed...
my thoughts...um, excuse me...what in the hell ever...negro...i don't know you...i ain't treating you to a dayum thing...spending my hard earned money on your a ss when i don't even know you...what-the-hell-ever...
later last night...i went back out into the atrium with brooke...one of my co-workers...so that she could get something to eat...
after she's done...we're getting up to leave and another gentleman approaches us...and he doesn't look so obviously homeless as he looks tired and worn down...
he says to brooke...
"Excuse me...are you going to throw that away?"
and of course she is...he goes on to ask...
"Do you mind? Can I have it?"
and of course, she gives it to him...
we take about two steps when i know that i MUST go back...
i went back to his table...and was like...
"Can I buy you something to eat?"
so...we stepped over to the counter at the chinese spot and i bought him a meal with a drink...
it's the best $6.89 that i've spent in a long time...
thusly...(is that a word?)....i am standing in line at the wendy's counter when a dude who is obviously homeless approaches me and doesn't offer a word of greeting or even ask how i'm doing...the words out of his mouth...
"Are you treatin' tonight?"
my response...
"No, I'm not."...from which i turned my back and immediately forgot he existed...
my thoughts...um, excuse me...what in the hell ever...negro...i don't know you...i ain't treating you to a dayum thing...spending my hard earned money on your a ss when i don't even know you...what-the-hell-ever...
later last night...i went back out into the atrium with brooke...one of my co-workers...so that she could get something to eat...
after she's done...we're getting up to leave and another gentleman approaches us...and he doesn't look so obviously homeless as he looks tired and worn down...
he says to brooke...
"Excuse me...are you going to throw that away?"
and of course she is...he goes on to ask...
"Do you mind? Can I have it?"
and of course, she gives it to him...
we take about two steps when i know that i MUST go back...
i went back to his table...and was like...
"Can I buy you something to eat?"
so...we stepped over to the counter at the chinese spot and i bought him a meal with a drink...
it's the best $6.89 that i've spent in a long time...
1.10.2006
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