Closing My Eyes

I am closing my eyes and let my fingers dance across my keyboard leaking the thoughts that briefly flit across the landscape of my mind.

I am thinking about the work sitting on my desk that I could be doing
and the man that I wish I was doing.

My truck needs to be washed and it's time for an oil change and the last time I was in for service, my mechanic told me that my serpentine belt was starting to show where and I really need to replace my two front tire.

I've got about $200 in returns that I need to make at stores that I should not have been in impulsively buying things that I did not need.
Which is quite unusual for me as I am so NOT a "Women be SHOPpin'" shopper.

I loaned a 'friend' $100 and then got stuck with a bill for $75 worth of chicken (don't ask) for a party that he, some other friends and I threw back in August. He was supposed to reimburse me for the chicken and repay the loan. He gave me a check for $175. It bounced.
Now, I have to deal with that sht. Ngga, couldn't you have just paid me my damn money?
(Additional note: He is no longer a 'friend'.

And to buddy that I was with last night - Um. No. We will not be doing THAT again. Ever.

I kinda hate vacuuming, but I do love walking over the freshly vaccuumed tracks.

The motto for Blue Moon Pizza keeps replaying in my head over and over and over. "Life should be less ordinary."----but most often, it's not.

I am glad.

I have been so distracted, so caught up in other people's sht, so busy FaceBooking and blogging in other places that I have neglected my own spot.

Yeah. That could be the case.

But really, I have been uninspired in this way. Focusing on some other things. Checking myself because I was wrecking myself.

I was not listening to my inner dialogue. I was drowning out my voice in favor of other things, lesser things. Staying busy doing busy work for no good reason and with no good results.

However, in all of that, there was a lesson. And I learned it.

I am glad.

July 23, 2009

I am grateful for the countless wonderful things that I could name in my life. I am grateful for my job, my friends, my family - just everything.

Sometimes, I am filled to overflowing with the knowledge of my blessings that abound and the blessings that continued to come freely and easily. I am grateful for the ideas that will come and the action that I will take that will manifest even greater success in my life.

God is working an awesome work in my finances. Money comes easily and frequently.

Today, I will be productive and full of energy. I expecting people in my path that will increase me.

Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.

June 18, 2009

I am excited about all of the possibilities in my life. I cannot wait to see the continued manifestation of God's goodness in my life. I know that He has plans to prosper me. Today will be a productive day and I will have a great performance in my softball game.

God goes before me today and orders my path and grants me favot.I expect to have a great day today. Everything is going my way. Everyday, in every way, I am getting better and better. I thank God for another day for it is another opportunity to move into my greatest success and I am enjoying life's journey.

June 17, 2009

I thank God for waking me up this morning and giving me new opportunities to reach greater success. I am happy, healthy and I plan on having an AWESOME day today.

I will remain focused and I am amazingly productive.

God, I thank you for the favor that you are bestowing upon me. Thank you for the blessings that you are raining on me and my family members.

God, I thank you for the doors that you are opening for me and the good success that is surely coming my way.

Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.

June 16, 2009

I am expecting God to perform a sudden miracle in my finances. I know that God has a breakthrough coming soon in my life. I am expecting a flood of favor.

Today will be an AWESOME day! I will encounter favor everywhere I go. God smiles on me. He goes before me and directs my path. I will be full of energy and experience joy.

I am more than a conqueror. There is nothing I cannot do through Christ who strengthens me. I am thankful to God for all that He has done for me. He is my provider.

He is my rock and my fortress.

June 15, 2009

Today is going to be an awesome, incredible and amazing day. I am eternally thankful for the blessings that you are sending my way. I ask that you forgive my sins and I am grateful for your grace and your mercy.

Today, I will strive to be better than I was on yesterday. Thank you for ordering my steps.

Everyday, in every way, I am getting better and better.

June 12, 2009

I am excited to be alive today. I have just finished exercising and I feel great. I am excited about the blessings that God is heaping upon me. He always give me more than enough. He is blessing me physically, mentally, emotionally and financially.

I will have an AWESOME day today. On this day, in every way, I am getting better and better!

June 11, 2009

I am grateful to God for the way He orders my steps on this day. I am expecting great things to happen in my life today.

I am happy, healthy, full of energy and focused. i expect to perform well in my softball game this afternoon.

I am expcting a financial blessing that will be just what I need right when I need it. God is glad to prosper me. It is His plan.

Soul - Empty

My soul is empty.

I walk around this vacated room, my footsteps echoing. Their stuccato beats bouncing off of walls no longer covered by colorful canvases of memories drawn by a past worth remembering.

I amble down halls vacant of laughter, void of joy. I am overcome by the absence of anything of substance within in this space.

I step out into a vast wasteland of burnt out emotions, wasted effort and bankrupt mentalities. It is a barren tundra of lost causes and broken dreams.

In this existence, I find no purpose. In this reality, I find no resolve.

All I feel is emptiness, a nothingness of character.

I know a longing for my soul to be filled.

For it is empty.

June 1, 2009

A life lesson that I have learned over and over AND over again, but am finally taking to heart is this:

Every day, you must take a step, no matter how small, towards your goals in life.

This statement, of course, makes the assumption that you have decided what your goals in life are, have determined what steps you must take to reach those goals and that you have outlined a plan for executing those steps.

I have determined that my purpose in life is to encourage others. I enjoy the feeling that I get when offering encouragement and guidance to those who come to me, those whose paths I cross and just about anybody else in general. I want to make this world a better place, one smile, one encounter, one conversation and one day at time.

There is no way that I could begin to attempt to set goals that do not line up with my purpose. In my opinion, it is self defeating.

My purpose in life is tied into my bliss. Logic tells me that if I set life goals that are linked to my purpose on earth, I will live a life full of joy and blessed with bliss.

So - this blog is designed to take you along on my journey of bliss, enable you along your way and encourage towards your success in life by urging you to take action today.

I invite you along for the ride. But I must warn you, buckle up, hold on tight. It's going to be one helluva ride.

Copays and Meds

It's the end of a really crazy week in my life. Or now that I think about, a crazy two week period in my life.

Last week, I was sick as a f*cking dog. (Now, I don't know exactly how sick a dog gets or who came up with that metaphor, but since it's widely accepted as being as closed to dead as sick can get, it's what I will use.)

I was take-my-%ss to the doctor sick. And when a chick starts coming off them budget dollars for a co-pay with possible prescriptions to follow, you know a chick is sick or thinks she caught something from THAT n*gga or ain't really trusting the negative on the EPT she tinkled on.

At any rate, a $15 copay, a diagnosis of BRON-F*CKING-CHITIS and $34.56 in meds later, I took my rear home and crawled under the bed and was there for the DURATION (read: rest of week and over the whole weekend).

All that should mean that I was feeling better by Monday, ready to get back on my grind and take OVER the f*cking world, Barack be damned - SEXYCOOL IS THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD!!!

Um, no....

I was STILL dragging %ss. So much so - that I headed back to the doctor's office to donate more of my hard earned money to the buy-his-bytch-a-beamer fund.

Well, a $15 copay and $32.15 in meds later, I think I've finally got the right ish. I am STARTING to feel more like myself.

So, next week, look out. There will be flash of light that whips past you leaving a SexyCool vibe with a light whiff of Escape in the wind.

That will be me - NEW LEADER OF THE FREE F*CKING WORLD!!!

PMDD

If only I could put into words how PMDD affects my life.

There are no words to adequately communicate the total loss of anything that closely resembles motivation in my life right now.

It's weird how I can be going along 90 to nothing, the very picture of sunshine and light, on a mission to take over the world and become the motivator of all motivators and out of nowhere, crash and burn.

And when I say crash, I mean CRASH!!! and when I say burn, I mean burn all the way up into little pieces of ash that float along on the breeze like my ass is the Space Shuttle Challenger. Little pieces of nothing.

That's what I am feeling like right now. Like little pieces of nothing.

I don't feel like bathing. I don't feel like getting dressed. I don't want to walk down the stairs. I don't want to get into my truck and drive it to the office. I don't want to sit at my desk and do nothing.

I don't want to anything.

Hell, I don't even want to be typing right now, but somehow, it feels like getting all of these uninspired, 'nothing' thoughts out of my head will make me feel better or speed up my return to normalcy.

And I will return to normal, in a couple of days, all I will have is a memory of feeling this way and I will be sound in the knowledge that next time I get to feeling this way, I will deal with it better because I will be more aware and since knowing is half the battle and blah, blah, blah and so on.

Until then, I am still just concentrating on existing.

Mired Down in Mediocrity

I am great. Or at least, that's what I am believing about myself. It is the positive, self affirming speech that I give myself to keep me motivated.

Ninety percent of the time. That shit works.

This week, I'm having a ten percent week. I am feeling overwhelmed by all my grand plans for my life.

This week, my life weighs more than my weight limit will allow me to carry.

Yeah, I know, I'm supposed to dream big dreams and make big plans and do big things. You know what they say, Go Big or Go Home.

But really, this week, I just want to rest in the averageness that my current life is.

I know that in a couple of days, I will be right back on the grind. But for today, I am mired down in mediocrity and I'm okay with that.

Just Breathing

I am sitting at my desk reading blogs because I'm not doing any work today.

And when I say not doing ANY work, I really mean not.doing.any.work.

Yeah, I signed off payroll approval today and I responded to two emails, but that's it.

I could really so NOT be here today. The only reason I am here is because I didn't have anything else to do.

Normally, I am on a mission to take over the world. I am usually dreaming up ways to jumpstart my motivational speaking career, bring in more resume clients, upholding my personal standards of excellence in all areas, planning to work out, and figuring out ways to double my income by my self-imposed May 20, 2009 deadline.

Today, eh...not so much.

Today, I'm just concentrating on holding up my chair and breathing.

Inner Beauty

If I could see you from the inside out, would your smiles be like standing with my face to the sun?

Or would the icicles around your heart leave me in danger of dodging falling daggers?

If I could see you from the inside out, would the music of your soul lull me into serenity's scene?

Or would the screams from the pain in your past cause my ears to bleed?

If I could see you from the inside out, would I find goodness and light and flowers and sunshine?

Or would I run from the carnage and the stench of you dying a heartbeat at a time?

If I could see you from the inside out, would we rave unto the joy fantastic?

Or timidly step around the landmines of your instability?

If I could see you from the inside out, would I find the support of a solid foundation?

Or would I slide around on the slippery slopes of your uncertainties and insecurities?

If only I could see you from the inside out.

Month Lost

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm....What in da hell happened to the first month of the year?

Dammit - My year is already 1/12 of the way over and it really feels like it slid away into a mesh of nothingness.

Well, actually, that's not quite true.

1. I found FACEBOOK. I'm addicted. Enough said.

2. I took a leadership class at one of those Rockhurst University seminars. Those classes rock!!! For about two weeks, I was super motivated. Then, life took over again.

3. I met a really cool guy at the seminar. Two weeks later, I find out he snores like a buzzsaw. Needless to say, that shut down all dreams of having babies that looked like the best of the two of us. (I'm sure he's wondering why I don't call him anymore.)

4. I found my cousin that I hadn't talked to in almost 20 years on FaceBook. She came to visit that very weekend. I was going to feed her bacon and eggs, but the bacon that I had was a month old and the fry daddy grease that I dropped it in was even older. Needless to say, that was a no go. I ended up calling I.HOP for carryout.

5. Met David at I.HOP. He's a doctor. We're a couple already. Met him on the 17th. That was three weeks ago.

6. Work has been really crazy. For the first time in a LONG, LONG time, there is just a bit of trepidation about not getting it all done, not meeting all of the deadlines, not working to my usual standard of excellence, of falling flat on my fcuking face. (Not a good feeling.)

7. I worked out like a champion for the first five weeks of the year. This past week, I have done nothing.

8. My money is really funny right now. I've decided to join Frugalista's No Buy Month after tomorrow. (I have to buy some lotion and my slippers are about to fall apart.)

9. I bought groceries today for the first time in almost a month. The last couple of days I had to get really creative with my meals.

10. Writing my brother, who is in prison, is something that I do out of obligation and because I believe that he needs someone to support him. Getting his letters back is depressing as fuck. I almost want to write him and tell him that he does not have to write AT ALL.

That's the quick and dirty run down on the first 1/12th of my year.

You'll see me around more often. I promise.

Day Lost

Uuuummmm...What in daHell happened to the first day of the year?

It has just slid away into a whole mesh of nothingness. Already my great plans to start the new year off differently got deadlined.

I'm thinking that this is going to be a year of challenges. How do I know this?

My first challenge was issued less than 35 minutes into the new year.

I was at a girlfriend's party with a very sophisticated (I used that word rather facetiously to describe those bourgeouis negroes.) crowd. You know how socially retarded grown ass people look standing the fuck around in cliques sipping wine and eating appetizers when they asses are supposed to be at a FUCKING PARTY?

I hate that shit. Everybody standing around talking to only who the fuck they know. Trying to appear too cool for school. All dressed up in their flyest shit (so you know they want to be seen), but sticking to the wall like they don't want to attract attention (so it doesn't look like they are trying too hard).

I don't have those kinds of issues. I like me. I like being me. A bunch of folks that I don't really know are not going to stop me from enjoying myself.

So......I am at this party (as if you didn't know that) and I am the ONLY PERSON DANCING. I mean at first, the music was kinda lame. The IPOD playlist was NOT the business. It was uptempo enough to get your head bobbing, but not really enough to make you want to jam your ass off.

Finally, someone went and got a different IPOD with some different music. It was finally the right kind of music - the kind I needed to make me move. So, I did. And as I just said. I WAS THE ONLY PERSON DANCING.

And I was dancing my ass off.

Now let me bring another aspect of the 30-something we successful negroes and feeling our cool selves set. There are men and women there. Some couples. Some single dudes. Some single chicks. (Which is about how those things go, right? I know. Almost not even necessary to say.)

And of course, where there are single men and single women in the place, folks are looking at each other. In the bourgeouis negro set, this happens rather surreptiously. Because nobody wants to be seen checking anybody out.

And me, being the flossy single chick that I am. I was checking out the dude candy in the place. I got to noticing that just about every dude in this place was short. And when I say short, I mean all of them but two were shorter than 6' and not even possible matches for me in any way.

As a female who is 5'10" in bare feet, to me, guys that are shorter than 6' are short. Because when I put shoes on and most often, I am in boots, heels or high heeled sandals.

However, it occured to me that because my girlfriend who is hosting this party is 5'3", to her, these guys are tall.

That leaves the two tall dudes standing all the way across the room in the kitchen. One of which was rather Delicious. However, the out of town house guest of my gf whose house we were at whom I had met the night before when we were all at The Tavern, had somehow worked into the brief conversation that she and I had that she had "sent word about that one". Which was cool with me. Hell, I wasn't there to pick up negroes anyway. I am already quite busy enough thank you. (Not that I would have ignored a proper advance :-D)

Which brings me back to my dancing.

I am jamming for like the 5th song straight now (but not breaking a sweat). One couple got up and shuffled around for a few minutes and then sat back down.

I turn around and Delicious is no longer on the other side of the room. He is now sitting on the stool that I had vacated when I started dancing and that I am still less than 6 inches from.

And as things often go when two single, attractive people are in the same space, we begin conversing. Less than two minutes later, my gf comes through and pulls my shirttail and whispers, "Unt-uh, don't try that one."

I got so immediately pissed my vision went blurry for a couple of clicks. Delicious sensed something was wrong and asked what was up. In my new uncutness, I told him that I had been warned to stay away from him and for her to say something like that it meant that it was time for me to go.

I found my coat from her utility closet, said some polite good nights and headed for the door. Delicious grabbed my hand as I was passing by and was like, "What's up? You're really leaving?"

"Yes, I'm leaving. I am a grown ass woman and I don't play kid games. At the point that she said that shit to me, that meant that I was no longer welcome here and that it was time for me to go. I have been told not to talk to you. However, if you would like to walk me to my car, you're more than welcome to do so. Let's roll."

I walked off and didn't even look back to see if he followed.

Of course, he did.

As he walked me to my truck, I gave him the full scenario and told him exactly why things happened the way that they did. I described the female to him and told him of her interest. (His response: "You mean the Old Chick?" (An aside - yes, there was a small chuckle of satisfaction at his statement.) He then says, "Y'all are funny."

My response, "Naw, THEY are funny. I don't play those school girl games."

We got to my truck. He asked for my number, a hug and a New Year's kiss. He got all three - the kiss being a rather benign, brief meeting of two sets of very soft lips.

I have plans to address this foolishness with my gf - soon.

Y'all think I overreacted?

(Disclaimer - This is not what I planned for my first post of the year to be about. And this rather lengthy post did not even cover the other way in which I was tried by my ex-shithead starting with text messages at 236a. But you know what...Oh well to ALL of THAT...it's the new year, bytches and it is SexyCool's UnCut Year of Big Fun - more on that later.)

Kick rocks, bytches.