12.31.2005
12.27.2005
brother means purple...
not even two minutes ago...
this doofus that i know was having a conversation with someone else about p.t. cruisers...which happen to be the ugliest cars on the planet after yugos...they were discussing the worst points of the little car...and he was trying to pull me into the conversation...
i was doing an excellent job of just nodding and smiling and appearing politely interested in this dead end exchange...when he makes this comment:
"You know, I hate the damn things. Every time I go to New Orleans, I get stuck renting one. The last time I went I got stuck with one that was a Brother Car - It was purple."
Knowing full well, the black and white (insert racial, here) implications of the statement, i innocently turned around and looked him right in the eye and asked, "What's a Brother Car?"
His response, "You know - it was purple."
insert crickets, here...
As I knitted my eyebrows into a clueless expression...he was saved from sticking his foot farther down his throat by the other participant in the conversation...
"I didn't know brother meant purple."
neither did i...neither did i...
this doofus that i know was having a conversation with someone else about p.t. cruisers...which happen to be the ugliest cars on the planet after yugos...they were discussing the worst points of the little car...and he was trying to pull me into the conversation...
i was doing an excellent job of just nodding and smiling and appearing politely interested in this dead end exchange...when he makes this comment:
"You know, I hate the damn things. Every time I go to New Orleans, I get stuck renting one. The last time I went I got stuck with one that was a Brother Car - It was purple."
Knowing full well, the black and white (insert racial, here) implications of the statement, i innocently turned around and looked him right in the eye and asked, "What's a Brother Car?"
His response, "You know - it was purple."
insert crickets, here...
As I knitted my eyebrows into a clueless expression...he was saved from sticking his foot farther down his throat by the other participant in the conversation...
"I didn't know brother meant purple."
neither did i...neither did i...
12.24.2005
12.22.2005
people for the ethical treatment of the beard daughters...
my sister and i are circulating a petition...we are seeking support for my mom cooking a FRESH christmas dinner...seems as if the chick was watching some cooking show and got a VERY BAD IDEA to freeze thanksgiving leftovers and re-heat them for christmas dinner...needless to say...the beard daughters are not happy campers and we are threatening to boycott christmas at the homestead and instead set up a picket line...
however...before we resort to such drastic measures...we are hoping 100 or so signatures will help us in our negotiations with our mother...
my sister and i are already in the contingency planning stage for my mom's retaliation in the form of an expected strike for new year's dinner...so...if you guys have any suggestions for where our family could have new year's dinner, i welcome them...'cause...my dad's gotta eat...
my mom's probably going kill us...but hey...it's worth it...
however...before we resort to such drastic measures...we are hoping 100 or so signatures will help us in our negotiations with our mother...
my sister and i are already in the contingency planning stage for my mom's retaliation in the form of an expected strike for new year's dinner...so...if you guys have any suggestions for where our family could have new year's dinner, i welcome them...'cause...my dad's gotta eat...
my mom's probably going kill us...but hey...it's worth it...
12.21.2005
today...i almost killed a man...
I came down the stairs of my apartment and walked across the street to the '06 Suburban that Enterprise Rental is so graciously providing me at the expense of Victoria Insurance. As I was crossing the street, I noticed an older woman with a cane leaving one of the houses on the next block. It was obvious that she was heading to the bus stop to wait for the MARTA.
Being the compassionate individual that I can sometimes be, I could not pass this woman on the street without offering her a ride - to the train station, to her house, somewhere, anywhere - I just couldn't pass her by. As it turns out, she wanted to go downtown.
After letting her off near the Five Points MARTA station, I proceed east on Marietta Street to get on 75/85South. I HATE driving in this part of downtown because dodging jaywalkers is like playing a video game. As I was sitting at the light at Marietta and Peachtree (careful NOT to make any turns, because as it cost me a $105 fine last year to learn that the sign that says NO TURNS really means NO TURNS), a guy crossing the street was eating a Three Musketeers candy bar. It pissed me off to watch him throw the candy wrapper on the ground. I mean, for real, dude - couldn't you have just put the wrapper in your pocket until you passed by one of the 4,000 trash cans downtown? Oh well, I guess his thoughtlessness is just one of those things that gives the City of Atlanta street cleaners something to do.
Anyway, the light turns green and I began to proceed down Marietta (after not having turned at the NO TURN sign). I'm listening to Si-Man and them on 102.5 and smiling because all of the lights are green and if you're familiar with driving in downtown Atlanta, you KNOW that having all greens is a miracle that means that God is smiling on you. By this time, I have probably reached a speed of about 35 mph. Just as I move into the right lane near the Peachtree Center intersection, some guy just steps out into the damn intersection without even looking my way. As I swerved left to avoid hitting him, the sound of my squealing tires caught his attention and he jumped back up on the curb. I am thankful to God that there was no one in the left lane. OR...I would have wrecked Enterprise Rental's '06 Surburban...the one that I didn't buy the full coverage insurance for.
Lessons for the Day: No good deed goes unpunished. There are certifiable idiots just roaming the streets of downtown Atlanta. Near misses cause one hell of an adrenaline rush.
And a closing thought...I am thinking about how the scene would have been different if it would have been a hit and not a near miss. I wonder if people realize how one moment of inattention has the power to end and change lives.
I am also wondering if I can find that dude and sue him for the 13 seconds of extreme distress and resulting mental anguish that he caused me.
Being the compassionate individual that I can sometimes be, I could not pass this woman on the street without offering her a ride - to the train station, to her house, somewhere, anywhere - I just couldn't pass her by. As it turns out, she wanted to go downtown.
After letting her off near the Five Points MARTA station, I proceed east on Marietta Street to get on 75/85South. I HATE driving in this part of downtown because dodging jaywalkers is like playing a video game. As I was sitting at the light at Marietta and Peachtree (careful NOT to make any turns, because as it cost me a $105 fine last year to learn that the sign that says NO TURNS really means NO TURNS), a guy crossing the street was eating a Three Musketeers candy bar. It pissed me off to watch him throw the candy wrapper on the ground. I mean, for real, dude - couldn't you have just put the wrapper in your pocket until you passed by one of the 4,000 trash cans downtown? Oh well, I guess his thoughtlessness is just one of those things that gives the City of Atlanta street cleaners something to do.
Anyway, the light turns green and I began to proceed down Marietta (after not having turned at the NO TURN sign). I'm listening to Si-Man and them on 102.5 and smiling because all of the lights are green and if you're familiar with driving in downtown Atlanta, you KNOW that having all greens is a miracle that means that God is smiling on you. By this time, I have probably reached a speed of about 35 mph. Just as I move into the right lane near the Peachtree Center intersection, some guy just steps out into the damn intersection without even looking my way. As I swerved left to avoid hitting him, the sound of my squealing tires caught his attention and he jumped back up on the curb. I am thankful to God that there was no one in the left lane. OR...I would have wrecked Enterprise Rental's '06 Surburban...the one that I didn't buy the full coverage insurance for.
Lessons for the Day: No good deed goes unpunished. There are certifiable idiots just roaming the streets of downtown Atlanta. Near misses cause one hell of an adrenaline rush.
And a closing thought...I am thinking about how the scene would have been different if it would have been a hit and not a near miss. I wonder if people realize how one moment of inattention has the power to end and change lives.
I am also wondering if I can find that dude and sue him for the 13 seconds of extreme distress and resulting mental anguish that he caused me.
12.16.2005
justice for miss janet...
Killer gets life term
A homeless man was sentenced to life in prison after being found guilty of the rape and murder of a homeless Riverdale woman in January.
Janice Cunningham, 50, was found sexually assaulted and strangled behind a boarded-up convenience store along busy Ga. 85. Henry Sheffield was arrested for murder at a candlelight vigil for Cunningham days after her death.
Sheffield, 35, was convicted Wednesday in Clayton County Superior Court and sentenced to life in prison.
Denise Leary of Dallas, Texas, one of Cunningham's siblings, called the crime a "senseless tragedy." "We lost a sister, her children lost a mother; we can't get her back," Leary said. "And here's a young person who will spend the rest of his life in prison, so if he has family, they've lost him too. The cycle continues."
A homeless man was sentenced to life in prison after being found guilty of the rape and murder of a homeless Riverdale woman in January.
Janice Cunningham, 50, was found sexually assaulted and strangled behind a boarded-up convenience store along busy Ga. 85. Henry Sheffield was arrested for murder at a candlelight vigil for Cunningham days after her death.
Sheffield, 35, was convicted Wednesday in Clayton County Superior Court and sentenced to life in prison.
Denise Leary of Dallas, Texas, one of Cunningham's siblings, called the crime a "senseless tragedy." "We lost a sister, her children lost a mother; we can't get her back," Leary said. "And here's a young person who will spend the rest of his life in prison, so if he has family, they've lost him too. The cycle continues."
12.04.2005
114 tortuous and wasted minutes of my life...
hustle and flow...the story of an old a$$ broke pimp wanna be who dreams (everybody gotta have a dream) of becoming a rapper (i swear, every-damn-body wanna shuffle and grin for the masses)..who glorifies his bottom bitch (and not the white girl who is doing all the work, but a seemingly half retarded VERY pregnant chick who's single most meaningful moment in her life has been singing a lame-A$$ hook on a DEMO).
he runs into a upstanding employed young brother with a career, a wife and a home...he brings two hoes into this man's house and leaves them on the couch with his wife while the broke pimp is rapping in the kitchen to a $5 casio about slapping bitches...and after that lame a$$ performance...this good church going brother starts hanging out in at the pimp hotel jeopardizing his relationship and brings along opie?!?!?! gtfoh...get the f*ck outta here...
and i could go on...but i ain't getting paid and then i guess this is all make believe...
underlying themes...
er'body got a hustle...you gotta have a dream...going to jail will cause an increase in airplay (look at gucci mane)...and it's good to have a few good hoes in your corner...
one sentence review: very little hustle, horrible flow - nicca get a job...
he runs into a upstanding employed young brother with a career, a wife and a home...he brings two hoes into this man's house and leaves them on the couch with his wife while the broke pimp is rapping in the kitchen to a $5 casio about slapping bitches...and after that lame a$$ performance...this good church going brother starts hanging out in at the pimp hotel jeopardizing his relationship and brings along opie?!?!?! gtfoh...get the f*ck outta here...
and i could go on...but i ain't getting paid and then i guess this is all make believe...
underlying themes...
er'body got a hustle...you gotta have a dream...going to jail will cause an increase in airplay (look at gucci mane)...and it's good to have a few good hoes in your corner...
one sentence review: very little hustle, horrible flow - nicca get a job...
it's just like dasK says...
life is FULL of risk...
and if you're not taking risks...you're not living...
recently...i took a risk on something...and sadly...it did not turn out the way that i had hoped...but you know what?
it's okay that it didn't turn out how i'd planned...it was not a great loss as i was not totally invested...instead...it was just a letdown...a disappointment...
and letdowns and disappointments are a part of living...L&D's make come-ups and victories all the more fabulous...
so...i said all of that to say...i am thankful for this disappointment...it let's me know that i am taking risks and THAT allows me to live a life overflowing...
and if you're not taking risks...you're not living...
recently...i took a risk on something...and sadly...it did not turn out the way that i had hoped...but you know what?
it's okay that it didn't turn out how i'd planned...it was not a great loss as i was not totally invested...instead...it was just a letdown...a disappointment...
and letdowns and disappointments are a part of living...L&D's make come-ups and victories all the more fabulous...
so...i said all of that to say...i am thankful for this disappointment...it let's me know that i am taking risks and THAT allows me to live a life overflowing...
11.30.2005
the end of a day...
well...you see what time it is...and i am winding down my day...
i am satisfied with the day that i had...not because anything special happened in it...all things told...it was rather mundane...but...it was a day in which i felt ALL the way alive...
old school woke me this morning with a phone call from seattle...it's nice to hear an amazing voice at the start of your day...i made it into the office around 900a...and arrived at a desk with practically no work on it and an email in box that was fairly empty...
by 1100a...i was in the chiropractor's office...getting my treatment...funny...until my rear-ending...i truly could not appreciate how real and consuming back pain is...at its worst...it really shuts you down and leaves you incapable of coherent thought and is paralyzing...for those who suffer chronic back pain...my deepest sympathies...i must say that i look forward to my complete recovery...and my pain and suffering settlement...insert big grin here...the thing about it though...with the pain that i've been experiencing...it will be worth every penny...
i left the office a bit early and made it home today in time to miss the first 15 minutes of oprah...jamie foxx was today's guest...peep this...i am a fan...and have been for ages...and those of you who are also real fans...know exactly what i mean when i say 'peep this'...
took a nap after oprah...and made it to my last regular season softball game for the year...we won...it was a painful victory for me...with the whole back thing that i've got going on...but...i am determined not to let this temporary thing stop my life...and delighted to end the regular season with a victory...
got home around 930p and did some cleaning...i'm still doing that deep cleaning that my apartment needs from when lana and espy had the attic re-insulated...i haven't been feeling like doing the cleaning all at one time...so...i've been doing it when the mood strikes me...the truth of the matter is...i would love to have been able to pay someone to do this...but...hey...in time...i'll get it done...it's really nothing more than dusting and wiping down EVERY exposed surface in the apartment...too much to just leave until my quarterly spring cleaning...but not that kind of unbearable unclean that you can't live in...
and now...i am at the end of my day...my face is washed...my teeth are brushed...and jay leno just went off...i am about to go to bed with a plan for my day tomorrow which includes my 2.5 mile walk...an early hair appointment...some time in the office tomorrow...with a stop by nina's to get my brows shaped before i head to my part time job tomorrow night...
but first...i think i'll give old school a call...it's still early on the west coast...
and in the fashion of my late friend and co-worker joseph tamulis...T-T-F-N...(translation - ta-ta for now)...
i am satisfied with the day that i had...not because anything special happened in it...all things told...it was rather mundane...but...it was a day in which i felt ALL the way alive...
old school woke me this morning with a phone call from seattle...it's nice to hear an amazing voice at the start of your day...i made it into the office around 900a...and arrived at a desk with practically no work on it and an email in box that was fairly empty...
by 1100a...i was in the chiropractor's office...getting my treatment...funny...until my rear-ending...i truly could not appreciate how real and consuming back pain is...at its worst...it really shuts you down and leaves you incapable of coherent thought and is paralyzing...for those who suffer chronic back pain...my deepest sympathies...i must say that i look forward to my complete recovery...and my pain and suffering settlement...insert big grin here...the thing about it though...with the pain that i've been experiencing...it will be worth every penny...
i left the office a bit early and made it home today in time to miss the first 15 minutes of oprah...jamie foxx was today's guest...peep this...i am a fan...and have been for ages...and those of you who are also real fans...know exactly what i mean when i say 'peep this'...
took a nap after oprah...and made it to my last regular season softball game for the year...we won...it was a painful victory for me...with the whole back thing that i've got going on...but...i am determined not to let this temporary thing stop my life...and delighted to end the regular season with a victory...
got home around 930p and did some cleaning...i'm still doing that deep cleaning that my apartment needs from when lana and espy had the attic re-insulated...i haven't been feeling like doing the cleaning all at one time...so...i've been doing it when the mood strikes me...the truth of the matter is...i would love to have been able to pay someone to do this...but...hey...in time...i'll get it done...it's really nothing more than dusting and wiping down EVERY exposed surface in the apartment...too much to just leave until my quarterly spring cleaning...but not that kind of unbearable unclean that you can't live in...
and now...i am at the end of my day...my face is washed...my teeth are brushed...and jay leno just went off...i am about to go to bed with a plan for my day tomorrow which includes my 2.5 mile walk...an early hair appointment...some time in the office tomorrow...with a stop by nina's to get my brows shaped before i head to my part time job tomorrow night...
but first...i think i'll give old school a call...it's still early on the west coast...
and in the fashion of my late friend and co-worker joseph tamulis...T-T-F-N...(translation - ta-ta for now)...
11.18.2005
first thoat chop...
thoat chop to the drive thru chick at mcdonalds in hapeville this morning...for not telling me when i placed my order that they were out of mcgriddles...no...she just HAD to let me sit for five minutes behind three cars and wait UNTIL I GET TO THE WINDOW to pay to tell me that they didn't have no d@mn mcgriddles...
and you know...i'm not ticked because they were out of mcgriddles...i promise...i could have done without the calories anyway...i'm actually not even THAT ticked because she WAITED TO TELL ME...
what kills me about the whole d@mn thing...there wasn't a blasted thing i could do about it...what could i say?...
OH...YOU GONE MAKE ME A MCGRIDDLE!!!!....
yrb...
and you know...i'm not ticked because they were out of mcgriddles...i promise...i could have done without the calories anyway...i'm actually not even THAT ticked because she WAITED TO TELL ME...
what kills me about the whole d@mn thing...there wasn't a blasted thing i could do about it...what could i say?...
OH...YOU GONE MAKE ME A MCGRIDDLE!!!!....
yrb...
11.17.2005
updates...
because i was audacious enough to call tazzee out after not posting for nearly a month my damn self...
i am finally updating my blog...
so much has been going on in my life...
my birthday passed...i got an ipod...my truck was rear ended...i got whiplash...i've been cutting calories and walking at least 2.5 miles each weekday morning and 5 miles each weekend morning for the last two weeks...(or at least until previously mentioned car accident)...and i got 10 pounds lighter...
in the new tradition of my dearest icey...i've actually got a few throat chops to throw down...but each one will probably be a seperate post...so i'll get back with the chops...
and that is all that i am inspired to write for now...
i'll holla back...'cause unlike ms. stefani...i am a holla back girl...
i am finally updating my blog...
so much has been going on in my life...
my birthday passed...i got an ipod...my truck was rear ended...i got whiplash...i've been cutting calories and walking at least 2.5 miles each weekday morning and 5 miles each weekend morning for the last two weeks...(or at least until previously mentioned car accident)...and i got 10 pounds lighter...
in the new tradition of my dearest icey...i've actually got a few throat chops to throw down...but each one will probably be a seperate post...so i'll get back with the chops...
and that is all that i am inspired to write for now...
i'll holla back...'cause unlike ms. stefani...i am a holla back girl...
10.27.2005
10.20.2005
growth.healing.gratitude.
the only thing constant in the world is change...
i release all disappointment from my mental, physical, spiritual and emotional body cause i know that the spirit guides me and love lives inside me...
thankful for relaxation, complication, hibernation and irrational seclusion , confusion, allmy impurity and insecurity cause i know it's just god perfecting me...
that's.why.
today.
i.take.life.as.it.comes.
india.said.it.
10.18.2005
new year's resolution....
it's my berf'day...and for me...it's a new year...
i woke up this morning...thinking...wow, i'm 33...that's how old jesus was when he died..and whereas i my life looks nothing like i want it to right now...i am very much excited by the possibilities and fortunate enough and blessed enough to have a clean slate...in other words...i haven't made many mistakes that i can't come back from...
i am really grateful to god that i am in good health...
i am damned glad that i don't have kids...i admire those who are single parents and who are getting it done...i'm just relieved that i don't have that responsibility to carry...
i don't have MAJOR debt...some debt, yes...but nothing major...no student loans...no hospital bills or anything like that...
i have a relatively low cost of living...although... i am still living very much check to check...i can pay all of my bills...thanks to the cost of gas...i don't have any money left...but hey...the bills are paid...i have food to eat...and gas to get back and forth to work...and with the part time jobs that i am working...i am beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel...hey...before too long...i'll be able to start back paying tazzee that money i owe her...
my truck is in good condition...yes...there are a few minor things that need attention...and that i will be giving attention to before they become major...but...for now...it's getting me from point a to point b...and i can see the light at the end of the tunnel...
i am especially grateful that my mom is a licensed cosmetologist and that my aunt is one hell of a braid artist (as she calls herself)...they keep my do done without me having to spend that $45 to $50 a week that i used to give tracy ER' week to do my hair...but then again...i was making $60G at the time...(and don't even get me started on all the money i used to throw away back then...that's a whole nother blog and a whole nother oprah)...
and i could go on with more things that i am grateful / thankful / appreciative / relieved about / glad for and so on...
right now...my number one resolution for my life is to enjoy it...daily...
funny...in ways i think of myself as at exactly the same point that i was when i came out of high school...with my entire life ahead of me and with endless possibilities...
and there's more here...i'll get back to it...
i woke up this morning...thinking...wow, i'm 33...that's how old jesus was when he died..and whereas i my life looks nothing like i want it to right now...i am very much excited by the possibilities and fortunate enough and blessed enough to have a clean slate...in other words...i haven't made many mistakes that i can't come back from...
i am really grateful to god that i am in good health...
i am damned glad that i don't have kids...i admire those who are single parents and who are getting it done...i'm just relieved that i don't have that responsibility to carry...
i don't have MAJOR debt...some debt, yes...but nothing major...no student loans...no hospital bills or anything like that...
i have a relatively low cost of living...although... i am still living very much check to check...i can pay all of my bills...thanks to the cost of gas...i don't have any money left...but hey...the bills are paid...i have food to eat...and gas to get back and forth to work...and with the part time jobs that i am working...i am beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel...hey...before too long...i'll be able to start back paying tazzee that money i owe her...
my truck is in good condition...yes...there are a few minor things that need attention...and that i will be giving attention to before they become major...but...for now...it's getting me from point a to point b...and i can see the light at the end of the tunnel...
i am especially grateful that my mom is a licensed cosmetologist and that my aunt is one hell of a braid artist (as she calls herself)...they keep my do done without me having to spend that $45 to $50 a week that i used to give tracy ER' week to do my hair...but then again...i was making $60G at the time...(and don't even get me started on all the money i used to throw away back then...that's a whole nother blog and a whole nother oprah)...
and i could go on with more things that i am grateful / thankful / appreciative / relieved about / glad for and so on...
right now...my number one resolution for my life is to enjoy it...daily...
funny...in ways i think of myself as at exactly the same point that i was when i came out of high school...with my entire life ahead of me and with endless possibilities...
and there's more here...i'll get back to it...
10.17.2005
out of the blu....
funny that you showed up today in a place where you knew i would be...
funnier still that i had just spoken your name only hours before...
funny...but pleasant...
nice to see you in my in-box...
nicer still to have you dial my number today...
nice and needed...
good talking with you...
great to make tentative plans to see you...
not in anticipation of picking up where we left off...
but in an effort to stengthen a friendship's foundation that was barely laid...to become reacquainted with a lovely spirit and an old soul...and to again laugh with you...
because it is your laughter that i remember best...each chuckle a gift bringing joy...
and just at the point where the lazy, hayze days of summer are drawing to a close...you show up...out of the blu....
funnier still that i had just spoken your name only hours before...
funny...but pleasant...
nice to see you in my in-box...
nicer still to have you dial my number today...
nice and needed...
good talking with you...
great to make tentative plans to see you...
not in anticipation of picking up where we left off...
but in an effort to stengthen a friendship's foundation that was barely laid...to become reacquainted with a lovely spirit and an old soul...and to again laugh with you...
because it is your laughter that i remember best...each chuckle a gift bringing joy...
and just at the point where the lazy, hayze days of summer are drawing to a close...you show up...out of the blu....
10.13.2005
sometimes i feel like a motherless child........
this is a post that i've been wanting to write for quite some time...but i've been putting it off for my fear of deep water coupled with my inability to swim...and because a lot of times...truth is not pretty...in fact...most often...it's awfully goddamned ugly....
i have great affection for my mother...affection...really...there is too much resentment and anger that stands between for me to allow her into that place of love...
i am the daughter of a teenage mother...when my mother received her high school diploma i was present as a very pronounced lump under her white commencement gown...i would be born in the back room at my grandmother's house five months later...
a year later...my mother decided that she wanted to have a life...that she wanted to improve herself...that she wanted a career and a future...and i don't blame her...not for wanting those things...i blame her for not including me in this wonderful life that she saw for herself..
sometimes...i wonder what went on in the mind of the 19year old child that she was at the time...did she have the same fearlessness of life that i had when i was 19? what were her innermost thoughts? how did she really feel about leaving this child behind? was it her intention to get settled and return for this little very brown bundle? or had it been her plan all along to abandon this child to a grandmother who did not know how to show love?
of course...i have no memory of that first year with my mother...i cannot ever remember being held and kissed and pampered and loved by my mother...my mother's subsequent appearances in my life would be shadowy presences over three day weekends and short term leaves...
my mother took no active role in my parenting...it was as if she was just a casual observer with no interest in the outcome of my upbringing...all i knew my mother for was an 'allotment check' and an occasional extra gift on special occasions...
there's more...but this hurts...and right now...i feel like i'm drowning...
i have great affection for my mother...affection...really...there is too much resentment and anger that stands between for me to allow her into that place of love...
i am the daughter of a teenage mother...when my mother received her high school diploma i was present as a very pronounced lump under her white commencement gown...i would be born in the back room at my grandmother's house five months later...
a year later...my mother decided that she wanted to have a life...that she wanted to improve herself...that she wanted a career and a future...and i don't blame her...not for wanting those things...i blame her for not including me in this wonderful life that she saw for herself..
sometimes...i wonder what went on in the mind of the 19year old child that she was at the time...did she have the same fearlessness of life that i had when i was 19? what were her innermost thoughts? how did she really feel about leaving this child behind? was it her intention to get settled and return for this little very brown bundle? or had it been her plan all along to abandon this child to a grandmother who did not know how to show love?
of course...i have no memory of that first year with my mother...i cannot ever remember being held and kissed and pampered and loved by my mother...my mother's subsequent appearances in my life would be shadowy presences over three day weekends and short term leaves...
my mother took no active role in my parenting...it was as if she was just a casual observer with no interest in the outcome of my upbringing...all i knew my mother for was an 'allotment check' and an occasional extra gift on special occasions...
there's more...but this hurts...and right now...i feel like i'm drowning...
10.05.2005
sometimes....i forget that i'm fabulous....
life has a tendency beat your black ass down and make everything good that you know about yourself become null and void....
some days nothing anybody says can get through the wall of depression and self pity that you choose to hide behind....
you will question every decision that you ever made and every mistake, flaw and fault will come back to haunt you with excrutiating detail bringing fresh pain....
and you will hurt all over again...and one thing about hurt...it digs deep and falls onto your soul like fiddle sticks....it is not contained to one little part of your spirit...instead it permeates your being and brings you into a place that has no light and is devoid of color....
i truly believe that you should allow yourself the opportunity to fully experience each emotion that springs from the well of your existence...embracing the good of your character while constantly seeking to hide your imperfections does you an injustice....
acknowledge each part of your being...good, bad and ugly....embrace the good...give your best shot at reforming the bad and sometimes, accept the ugly....
in addressing all parts of who you are....even on bad days....
remember, remember, remember and please do not ever forget to
CELEBRATE, CELEBRATE, CELEBRATE YOURSELF!!!!!!!!
because your conscience gets so buried under all that life throws at you....
it's hard to remember....
trust me...i know....
because sometimes.....
i forget that i'm fabulous....
some days nothing anybody says can get through the wall of depression and self pity that you choose to hide behind....
you will question every decision that you ever made and every mistake, flaw and fault will come back to haunt you with excrutiating detail bringing fresh pain....
and you will hurt all over again...and one thing about hurt...it digs deep and falls onto your soul like fiddle sticks....it is not contained to one little part of your spirit...instead it permeates your being and brings you into a place that has no light and is devoid of color....
i truly believe that you should allow yourself the opportunity to fully experience each emotion that springs from the well of your existence...embracing the good of your character while constantly seeking to hide your imperfections does you an injustice....
acknowledge each part of your being...good, bad and ugly....embrace the good...give your best shot at reforming the bad and sometimes, accept the ugly....
in addressing all parts of who you are....even on bad days....
remember, remember, remember and please do not ever forget to
CELEBRATE, CELEBRATE, CELEBRATE YOURSELF!!!!!!!!
because your conscience gets so buried under all that life throws at you....
it's hard to remember....
trust me...i know....
because sometimes.....
i forget that i'm fabulous....
10.03.2005
time and distance....
i can remember the exact moment that i began to distance myself from you emotionally...
it was not an AHA! moment or a step into the brilliant light of truth...
instead...it was like the rising sun of a new day...
faint changes in the horizon that began as the midnight hues of a night sky slowly morphed into a pre-dawn gray...
the first rays of sun brought a subtle pink to an awakening day...
the fading sound of a cricket's song have been replaced with a bird's greetings of Good morning! Good day! It's great to be alive!
as the moon disappeared into the blue of the morning sky and shadowy figures began to form definite shapes filled in with glorious colors...
i could see where the path we walked moved from two roads onto one highway and then...where our steps grew farther apart until the one trek again became two journeys...
i know that with time, my routine thoughts of you will fade into a pattern of new possibilities, considerations and concerns...you will no longer be my first thought of the day or the last thing on my mind at night...
and i look forward to that...
time....
because already...there is distance....
it was not an AHA! moment or a step into the brilliant light of truth...
instead...it was like the rising sun of a new day...
faint changes in the horizon that began as the midnight hues of a night sky slowly morphed into a pre-dawn gray...
the first rays of sun brought a subtle pink to an awakening day...
the fading sound of a cricket's song have been replaced with a bird's greetings of Good morning! Good day! It's great to be alive!
as the moon disappeared into the blue of the morning sky and shadowy figures began to form definite shapes filled in with glorious colors...
i could see where the path we walked moved from two roads onto one highway and then...where our steps grew farther apart until the one trek again became two journeys...
i know that with time, my routine thoughts of you will fade into a pattern of new possibilities, considerations and concerns...you will no longer be my first thought of the day or the last thing on my mind at night...
and i look forward to that...
time....
because already...there is distance....
10.01.2005
it's bananas....
it's bananas....b...a...n...a...n...a...s
forget the price of gas...
i bought ONE BANANA today and paid 87 cents for it...bananas are supposed to be 19 cents...
george bush doesn't care about bananas...
9.28.2005
dancing with my father....
For a long time, I didn't know who my father was. In fact, until I was about seven years old, it didn't even occur to me that I might have one.
I was not a child who questioned where I came from. It probably had something to do with the fact that my teenage mother left me in the care of HER mother when I was a year old and left town to go into the army.
I just accepted the fact that I didn't have parents.
So there I was with a grandmother who raised me as if we were still living through the Great Depression, a mother who was just a shadowy figure on a couple of pictures and an occasional voice on the phone and a father - a HIM - who never even crossed my mind.
But, when I was seven, I got very sick and almost died. I was hospitalized and the Red Cross (as is routine in cases where emergencies involve military personnel) summoned my mother to my bedside. And this woman, who I did not know came to be with me. She, in turn, called HIM who came to the hospital to see my mother. (Please notice that I didn't say to see me.)
Until HIM arrived, it was the first time that I could remember being in my mother's presence alone and the first time in all my seven years that I had even considered that I had a 'Daddy', just like everybody else.
All that I can remember from his time in my hospital room is the sound of the gum he kept popping and the sound of my mother's laughter as she flirted with HIM. I honestly cannot remember a single thing either of them said to me the entire time.
Fortunately, for me, I didn't die and after a considerable hospital stay, my condition improved enough for me to be sent home where I fully recovered.
It would be ten years before I saw HIM again. At his grandmother's funeral at the house for the repast. I'd had virtually no contact with HIM's family during the first 17 years of my life with the exception of my Aunt Margie (although I sometimes wonder if the only reason I saw Miss Margie - as I called her - regularly was that she sold life insurance to my grandmother so she had to come to the house on a monthly basis to 'collect the premium'). As a result, I was in an unfamiliar house surrounded by an entire clan of people who I knew nothing about. I was introduced to aunt after aunt after uncle after cousin after cousin after cousin.
"Yeah, this Junior's daughter."
"No, unt-un, Naw, Sherry ain't her momma. Dianne. You know, Lillie Blue's daughter."
Can you imagine what an experience that was for an ackward, too-tall, gangly and painfully shy teenager that was?
I still shudder.
I can remember HIM trying to keep me away from his wife because when he heard that someone was there looking for HIM, he thought that I was this woman who'd he'd had some dealings with in the past and wanted to avoid a confrontation.
Once HIM finally realized that it was his daughter and not someone trying to get with HIM, we had a very brief conversation. I can remember his vague promise to keep in touch with me and to help me out when I went to college that fall.
The full story of what happened during my ONE semester and a half spent at FAMU is a whole nother Oprah, but i'll just say that there were many unkept promises of financial aid and an offer to buy a car for me that was sadly nothing more than an offer. Still hurts to think about that. And in Forrest Gump fashion, "That's all I'm gone say about that."
After I dropped out of college and went on to stumble through what I was calling "My Life" at the time, another eight years would pass before I would pick up my phone one day to a voice saying, "Hey, baby, this is Daddy."
My response, "I'm sorry, but I think you may have a wrong number."
"This is Cat, ain't it?"
"Um.....yes...it is. Who is this?"
"This ya' daddy. I talked to ya' momma, Dianne, yesterday and got ya' number cause I'm gone be up in *Atlanna* tomorrow at ya' Aunt Theresa's house and I'm gone have two of ya' sista's with me and I want ya to come over."
Me, thinking, "I've got two sisters? Really? I've got an aunt that lives in Atlanta? Really?"
"Well, you ain't said nothing. Can ya' come by?"
"Well, yessir. I guess I can."
What I learned from that encounter:
When my mother was pregnant, my mother's mother apparently told HIM that I was not his, that my mother was actually pregnant by someone else.
What I came away with:
An apology for HIM's immaturity during the earlier years of my life. An expression of regret for not being there for me when I was growing up. And an offered olive branch to establish a relationship.
The Past Eight Years:
HIM has come through for me from time to time. HIM gave me the money to buy a refrigerator when I closed on my house. HIM's given me money to catch up on bills at different times. And HIM has given me miscellaneous amounts of money for no real reason at times in between.
I have come to know the three brothers and three sisters that HIM has by four other women. All interesting people and mostly good people with good hearts who are producing members of society. Sometimes, I have to hold down the jealousy that I feel as I have learned how involved HIM was in their lives and how HIM supported them while they were in college.
I have attended a couple of 'family reunions' which I ended up being very uncomfortable at because I feel like an outsider among a group of people who share family history and physical similarities. (Of course, I don't think i look like any of them.)
"Yeah, this Junior's daughter."
"No, unt-un, Naw, Sherry ain't her momma. Dianne. You know, Lillie Blue's daughter."
HIM was my 'date' for my ten year class reunion dinner.
A couple of years ago, I went with HIM, his wife and two of my sisters on a family trip to my brother's house in Chicago at Thanksgiving. It is cold as as all get out in Chicago in November. My father's wife is an interesting person. My baby sister was an aggravating spoiled brat and my brother's fiance can't cook.
Even after the last eight years of attempting to know HIM better, I still do not really KNOW this man who calls himself 'Daddy'. Besides, most of the time, I do not feel like HIM REALLY believes that I am his daughter.
I can count the number of supposedly REAL conversations that we have had on my hands. Those conversations were stilted and did not flow freely.
We have nothing in common. From time to time, HIM will attempt to offer me fatherly advice and put his foot down in a fatherly fashion. Unfortunately, it doesn't come off verywell. I am a grown woman. You really can't tell me what to do. Where were you 20 years ago?
There have still been broken promises.
"Baby, I know you've been trying to start that business. Daddy wants to give you some money to help you out. Tell ya' what, put me together a proposal on what it is you want to do and what you're going to do with money. And I'm gone help you. Cause I believe that none of my children should have to work for The Man if they don't want to."
"Baby, Daddy is gone pay yo' truck off. There are just somethings that I don't want you to have to deal with and I think it will be easier for you to manage your bills if you don't have that to worry about. Besides, I spent about $30,000 last year getting your brother out of trouble. So, I want to do something for you too."
Well, I never got the money for my business and I'm still struggling to make a car payment every month and my wonderful brother was apparently just sentenced to three years in prison on a drug charge, so that HIM's $30,000 was just money down the damned drain.
Most of the time, HIM doesn't bother to return my phone calls.
And yes, that may have something to do with the fact that I only call HIM when I'm asking for money, but really, do I care if he doesn't like it?
When it comes to dancing with HIM, I choose the tune that is playing.
I am the choreographer.
I am the one that does the leading AND the following.
Because when it comes to dancing with HIM,
I am on the dance floor alone.
I was not a child who questioned where I came from. It probably had something to do with the fact that my teenage mother left me in the care of HER mother when I was a year old and left town to go into the army.
I just accepted the fact that I didn't have parents.
So there I was with a grandmother who raised me as if we were still living through the Great Depression, a mother who was just a shadowy figure on a couple of pictures and an occasional voice on the phone and a father - a HIM - who never even crossed my mind.
But, when I was seven, I got very sick and almost died. I was hospitalized and the Red Cross (as is routine in cases where emergencies involve military personnel) summoned my mother to my bedside. And this woman, who I did not know came to be with me. She, in turn, called HIM who came to the hospital to see my mother. (Please notice that I didn't say to see me.)
Until HIM arrived, it was the first time that I could remember being in my mother's presence alone and the first time in all my seven years that I had even considered that I had a 'Daddy', just like everybody else.
All that I can remember from his time in my hospital room is the sound of the gum he kept popping and the sound of my mother's laughter as she flirted with HIM. I honestly cannot remember a single thing either of them said to me the entire time.
Fortunately, for me, I didn't die and after a considerable hospital stay, my condition improved enough for me to be sent home where I fully recovered.
It would be ten years before I saw HIM again. At his grandmother's funeral at the house for the repast. I'd had virtually no contact with HIM's family during the first 17 years of my life with the exception of my Aunt Margie (although I sometimes wonder if the only reason I saw Miss Margie - as I called her - regularly was that she sold life insurance to my grandmother so she had to come to the house on a monthly basis to 'collect the premium'). As a result, I was in an unfamiliar house surrounded by an entire clan of people who I knew nothing about. I was introduced to aunt after aunt after uncle after cousin after cousin after cousin.
"Yeah, this Junior's daughter."
"No, unt-un, Naw, Sherry ain't her momma. Dianne. You know, Lillie Blue's daughter."
Can you imagine what an experience that was for an ackward, too-tall, gangly and painfully shy teenager that was?
I still shudder.
I can remember HIM trying to keep me away from his wife because when he heard that someone was there looking for HIM, he thought that I was this woman who'd he'd had some dealings with in the past and wanted to avoid a confrontation.
Once HIM finally realized that it was his daughter and not someone trying to get with HIM, we had a very brief conversation. I can remember his vague promise to keep in touch with me and to help me out when I went to college that fall.
The full story of what happened during my ONE semester and a half spent at FAMU is a whole nother Oprah, but i'll just say that there were many unkept promises of financial aid and an offer to buy a car for me that was sadly nothing more than an offer. Still hurts to think about that. And in Forrest Gump fashion, "That's all I'm gone say about that."
After I dropped out of college and went on to stumble through what I was calling "My Life" at the time, another eight years would pass before I would pick up my phone one day to a voice saying, "Hey, baby, this is Daddy."
My response, "I'm sorry, but I think you may have a wrong number."
"This is Cat, ain't it?"
"Um.....yes...it is. Who is this?"
"This ya' daddy. I talked to ya' momma, Dianne, yesterday and got ya' number cause I'm gone be up in *Atlanna* tomorrow at ya' Aunt Theresa's house and I'm gone have two of ya' sista's with me and I want ya to come over."
Me, thinking, "I've got two sisters? Really? I've got an aunt that lives in Atlanta? Really?"
"Well, you ain't said nothing. Can ya' come by?"
"Well, yessir. I guess I can."
What I learned from that encounter:
When my mother was pregnant, my mother's mother apparently told HIM that I was not his, that my mother was actually pregnant by someone else.
What I came away with:
An apology for HIM's immaturity during the earlier years of my life. An expression of regret for not being there for me when I was growing up. And an offered olive branch to establish a relationship.
The Past Eight Years:
HIM has come through for me from time to time. HIM gave me the money to buy a refrigerator when I closed on my house. HIM's given me money to catch up on bills at different times. And HIM has given me miscellaneous amounts of money for no real reason at times in between.
I have come to know the three brothers and three sisters that HIM has by four other women. All interesting people and mostly good people with good hearts who are producing members of society. Sometimes, I have to hold down the jealousy that I feel as I have learned how involved HIM was in their lives and how HIM supported them while they were in college.
I have attended a couple of 'family reunions' which I ended up being very uncomfortable at because I feel like an outsider among a group of people who share family history and physical similarities. (Of course, I don't think i look like any of them.)
"Yeah, this Junior's daughter."
"No, unt-un, Naw, Sherry ain't her momma. Dianne. You know, Lillie Blue's daughter."
HIM was my 'date' for my ten year class reunion dinner.
A couple of years ago, I went with HIM, his wife and two of my sisters on a family trip to my brother's house in Chicago at Thanksgiving. It is cold as as all get out in Chicago in November. My father's wife is an interesting person. My baby sister was an aggravating spoiled brat and my brother's fiance can't cook.
Even after the last eight years of attempting to know HIM better, I still do not really KNOW this man who calls himself 'Daddy'. Besides, most of the time, I do not feel like HIM REALLY believes that I am his daughter.
I can count the number of supposedly REAL conversations that we have had on my hands. Those conversations were stilted and did not flow freely.
We have nothing in common. From time to time, HIM will attempt to offer me fatherly advice and put his foot down in a fatherly fashion. Unfortunately, it doesn't come off verywell. I am a grown woman. You really can't tell me what to do. Where were you 20 years ago?
There have still been broken promises.
"Baby, I know you've been trying to start that business. Daddy wants to give you some money to help you out. Tell ya' what, put me together a proposal on what it is you want to do and what you're going to do with money. And I'm gone help you. Cause I believe that none of my children should have to work for The Man if they don't want to."
"Baby, Daddy is gone pay yo' truck off. There are just somethings that I don't want you to have to deal with and I think it will be easier for you to manage your bills if you don't have that to worry about. Besides, I spent about $30,000 last year getting your brother out of trouble. So, I want to do something for you too."
Well, I never got the money for my business and I'm still struggling to make a car payment every month and my wonderful brother was apparently just sentenced to three years in prison on a drug charge, so that HIM's $30,000 was just money down the damned drain.
Most of the time, HIM doesn't bother to return my phone calls.
And yes, that may have something to do with the fact that I only call HIM when I'm asking for money, but really, do I care if he doesn't like it?
When it comes to dancing with HIM, I choose the tune that is playing.
I am the choreographer.
I am the one that does the leading AND the following.
Because when it comes to dancing with HIM,
I am on the dance floor alone.
9.26.2005
today...i'm feeling...
grown woman sexy...sam just left...and any time my surf on the red tide ends...i am in need of some MAJOR sexual healing...
bored...my job is EXTREMELY UNCHALLENGING...and i am okay with that...because it's just a job...not a career...do i feel bad because i am thirtysomething with no clear career goals?...no...
oh...that reminds me...a part of the requested My Definition of Success...i know that the phrase CAREER PATH does not appear ANYwhere in that definition...
i actually have some ideas for entreprenuerial endeavors that i would like to pursue...but...as with most entreprenuers...lack of capital is a serious roadblock...but alas...everything that is supposed to happen will and with that in mind...i'm sure my plans will come together...
not hungry...i brought a turkey sandwich for lunch today...but either just don't have a taste for it...or...i'm just not hungry...we'll see...
old...i'll be 33 in 23 days...dayum!!!
kinda melancholy...and i think i know the reason...has something to do with realizing that what i want a certain situation in my life to be is not what it actually is...and with that realization comes the urge to do something about it...
or not...
which i think it's sometimes good to do nothing when it comes to some things in ya' life...or to at least delay your reaction...that way...you can buy yourself a bit of a time to gather more information...look at all angles and make a better decision when ya' get down to that do or die time...
i'm feeling some other things today as well...but that would require me to venture out into deeper waters...
and since i can't swim...
i'ma go sit my arse down in one of the chairs by the pool...
bored...my job is EXTREMELY UNCHALLENGING...and i am okay with that...because it's just a job...not a career...do i feel bad because i am thirtysomething with no clear career goals?...no...
oh...that reminds me...a part of the requested My Definition of Success...i know that the phrase CAREER PATH does not appear ANYwhere in that definition...
i actually have some ideas for entreprenuerial endeavors that i would like to pursue...but...as with most entreprenuers...lack of capital is a serious roadblock...but alas...everything that is supposed to happen will and with that in mind...i'm sure my plans will come together...
not hungry...i brought a turkey sandwich for lunch today...but either just don't have a taste for it...or...i'm just not hungry...we'll see...
old...i'll be 33 in 23 days...dayum!!!
kinda melancholy...and i think i know the reason...has something to do with realizing that what i want a certain situation in my life to be is not what it actually is...and with that realization comes the urge to do something about it...
or not...
which i think it's sometimes good to do nothing when it comes to some things in ya' life...or to at least delay your reaction...that way...you can buy yourself a bit of a time to gather more information...look at all angles and make a better decision when ya' get down to that do or die time...
i'm feeling some other things today as well...but that would require me to venture out into deeper waters...
and since i can't swim...
i'ma go sit my arse down in one of the chairs by the pool...
9.23.2005
becoming...
every day...i am evolving...into the person i've always been...
one day...i will look back and remember me...
i have only recently realized that i must cease struggling against who i allowed others to convince me that i should become and relax into the being that i have been all along...
yes...i have dreams and aspirations and goals and so on and as such...and yes...i know that i possess a fair amount of intelligence and talent and that i have so much potential...
i don't apologize to anyone who may be disappointed by my lapse into self that leaves their expectations of my greatness unfulfilled...
it's becoming clearer to me that my definition of success does not meet those outlined by the society that i live in...
and struggling under the oppressive chains of that definition...i had begun to label myself...as unmotivated, indecisive, lacking follow through, a failure, full of sh*t, lazy, sorry even...but in reality...i am none of those things...
instead...what i am...is free...
free to become the person i already am...
one day...i will look back and remember me...
i have only recently realized that i must cease struggling against who i allowed others to convince me that i should become and relax into the being that i have been all along...
yes...i have dreams and aspirations and goals and so on and as such...and yes...i know that i possess a fair amount of intelligence and talent and that i have so much potential...
i don't apologize to anyone who may be disappointed by my lapse into self that leaves their expectations of my greatness unfulfilled...
it's becoming clearer to me that my definition of success does not meet those outlined by the society that i live in...
and struggling under the oppressive chains of that definition...i had begun to label myself...as unmotivated, indecisive, lacking follow through, a failure, full of sh*t, lazy, sorry even...but in reality...i am none of those things...
instead...what i am...is free...
free to become the person i already am...
9.21.2005
wading in shallow water...
I haven't been writing lately because I have been making an effort to determine why i blog.
Initially, I set this spot up because my girl, Mia, who blogs at the AJC was going out of town for a week sometime last year. Hence the name, OneWeekOnly. However, I decided to keep it up and obviously, it's gone on longer than a week.
I know that sometimes I write because I want the spotlight. I want SEVERAL people to regularly visit my blog and leave witty comments and engage in thought provoking dialogue and just be Blog Star.
Sometimes, I write to make a point. And that much is obvious.
Sometimes, I write for entertainment purposes only. Not sure how entertaining I actually am. But at least I think I am and that's good enough for me.
I visit other's blogs frequently and I am often impressed with the ingenious ways in which people express themselves and explore the deepest parts of their being.
I've looked back at some of my scribblings and I guess some of what I've written could pass as being deeply introspective. But most of what I write does not. And I had begun to question the depth, or lack thereof, of my subject material. And I had also begun to question my talent. And I can't NOT mention the questioning of my motivation.
Introspection is not my favorite activity. Most of what is going on in my psyche, I just let ride until I am forced to deal with it. It just takes too much work and I am too lazy. As such, many of my questions remain unanswered.
I am content with wading in the shallow water.
Initially, I set this spot up because my girl, Mia, who blogs at the AJC was going out of town for a week sometime last year. Hence the name, OneWeekOnly. However, I decided to keep it up and obviously, it's gone on longer than a week.
I know that sometimes I write because I want the spotlight. I want SEVERAL people to regularly visit my blog and leave witty comments and engage in thought provoking dialogue and just be Blog Star.
Sometimes, I write to make a point. And that much is obvious.
Sometimes, I write for entertainment purposes only. Not sure how entertaining I actually am. But at least I think I am and that's good enough for me.
I visit other's blogs frequently and I am often impressed with the ingenious ways in which people express themselves and explore the deepest parts of their being.
I've looked back at some of my scribblings and I guess some of what I've written could pass as being deeply introspective. But most of what I write does not. And I had begun to question the depth, or lack thereof, of my subject material. And I had also begun to question my talent. And I can't NOT mention the questioning of my motivation.
Introspection is not my favorite activity. Most of what is going on in my psyche, I just let ride until I am forced to deal with it. It just takes too much work and I am too lazy. As such, many of my questions remain unanswered.
I am content with wading in the shallow water.
9.08.2005
And We Will Forget Again...
since katrina stormed onto the gulf coast a week ago...i've been holding myself in a place of emotional immobility...too overcome with feelings to be able to process them all...and actually...in my adopted fashion...there's a lot of what i've been feeling about the whole thing that i will probably never address...i'll just let time pass and eventually...most of this will fade...
it will stop being the lead story on the news...people will stop being saddened, shocked, grieved, pissed, angry, outraged, heartbroken, mortified, sympathetic, compassionate and all of the other emotions that humans experience in the face of a tragedy of this magnitude...
and because i'm out of words right now...i am going to re-post something that i originally posted back in january...i know that there was something that happened in my life at that time that triggered this post...and as proof positive of how true the sentiment is for me...i can't put my finger on just what that was...i've already forgotten...
How Soon We Forget
Originally Posted January 2005
One of the most beautiful aspects of the human spirit is its resiliency and it's ability to withstand the trials of life and not linger in defeat, but to bravely continue to take each step forward and move past those challenges which could have kept us down.
It's because of one of the truest statements ever - Life Goes On. And trust, it will go on. With or without you, the world will keep spinning causing the sun to stand at attention by day and the moon to rest in the sky at night.
Out of that ability to move on comes the tendency for people, places, things and incidents to lose the strength of their impact on our lives. With stressful or chaotic or catastrophic occurences, this is a good thing. We would surely die if we could not move past the painful times in our lives. Can you imagine what it would be like to live continually with the feelings of that specific moment of a thing that caused you great pain or distress or dispair? In cases like that, it is good that we are ALLOWED to forget.
But the fading memories of good times is a tragedy. The memory of that wonderful thing a person did for you, or a particular time when you triumphed and rejoiced. Wouldn't it be wonderful to continuously live in that state of euphoria?.
I would LOVE to be continually so happy that i couldn't stand it.
Said all of that to say:
Do not forget the good times. Hold fast to those precious moments in which you know joy unspeakable. Put them behind a special door in your heart so that on your darkest days, you can step up to that door, fling it wide open and walk into the memories of the beautiful places in your life.
it will stop being the lead story on the news...people will stop being saddened, shocked, grieved, pissed, angry, outraged, heartbroken, mortified, sympathetic, compassionate and all of the other emotions that humans experience in the face of a tragedy of this magnitude...
and because i'm out of words right now...i am going to re-post something that i originally posted back in january...i know that there was something that happened in my life at that time that triggered this post...and as proof positive of how true the sentiment is for me...i can't put my finger on just what that was...i've already forgotten...
How Soon We Forget
Originally Posted January 2005
One of the most beautiful aspects of the human spirit is its resiliency and it's ability to withstand the trials of life and not linger in defeat, but to bravely continue to take each step forward and move past those challenges which could have kept us down.
It's because of one of the truest statements ever - Life Goes On. And trust, it will go on. With or without you, the world will keep spinning causing the sun to stand at attention by day and the moon to rest in the sky at night.
Out of that ability to move on comes the tendency for people, places, things and incidents to lose the strength of their impact on our lives. With stressful or chaotic or catastrophic occurences, this is a good thing. We would surely die if we could not move past the painful times in our lives. Can you imagine what it would be like to live continually with the feelings of that specific moment of a thing that caused you great pain or distress or dispair? In cases like that, it is good that we are ALLOWED to forget.
But the fading memories of good times is a tragedy. The memory of that wonderful thing a person did for you, or a particular time when you triumphed and rejoiced. Wouldn't it be wonderful to continuously live in that state of euphoria?.
I would LOVE to be continually so happy that i couldn't stand it.
Said all of that to say:
Do not forget the good times. Hold fast to those precious moments in which you know joy unspeakable. Put them behind a special door in your heart so that on your darkest days, you can step up to that door, fling it wide open and walk into the memories of the beautiful places in your life.
8.31.2005
hurricane kat...
how do i not say anything about its devastation?
what do i say?
i pray for the survivors...
and the idiots...
god bless them all...
what do i say?
i pray for the survivors...
and the idiots...
god bless them all...
8.28.2005
officially boycotting the meme...
yep...i know i got tagged...think i've been tagged at least three or four times so far...beloved, icey, serenity and i'm sure there's someone else...it just takes too much effort to remember who...
and nope...i haven't responded...
officially...i'm boycotting or at least...resisting the meme...
even though...it's obvious i've been giving it some thought...because IF you happened to have been following the slow tortuous stroll through the streets of my inner mind lately...you've seen reference to my wonderful character, mimi and of course, sybil's point by point assassination of her attempt to be happy in love...
as it stands...meme's...like threesomes...seem like too much work...
and we all know...i'm an old lazy bee-otchee...i just want to lie down and be served...
and nope...i haven't responded...
officially...i'm boycotting or at least...resisting the meme...
even though...it's obvious i've been giving it some thought...because IF you happened to have been following the slow tortuous stroll through the streets of my inner mind lately...you've seen reference to my wonderful character, mimi and of course, sybil's point by point assassination of her attempt to be happy in love...
as it stands...meme's...like threesomes...seem like too much work...
and we all know...i'm an old lazy bee-otchee...i just want to lie down and be served...
8.27.2005
8.26.2005
save the date...
something MAJOR happened in my life on this date...i'm not ready to blog about it...i just wanted to make note that it happened...
maybe i'll come back to it...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
or not...
maybe i'll come back to it...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
or not...
8.25.2005
hold....up...mimi...wait!!!!!
NOTE: It occurred to me that this post makes more sense...if it makes ANY sense...if you scroll down and read the one before it "Saturday Night" - FIRST.
Sybil is ranting!!!
mi....mi.....you mean to tell me that you stand in front of a room full of STRANGERS and pour out your ALL YOUR LOVE and this billy dee wanna be a$$ negro comes all up in yo 15 minutes of fame...not offering you a real future...but some lame a$$ movie moment??!?!?!!?
GTFOH!!!!
for real...
you have poured every ounce of your being into letting the world...or at least the 165 people at 255 Courtland know that you love this man...and the best he can come up with is..."I can't make you no promises."
see...that's what's wrong with females today...they get all caught up in the 'romance' and forget to look at the details.
mimi...that dude didn't even tell you that he LOVES you too...his ass just wants to walk off into the sunset...hell...ain't he got a car?!?!?!?!
and look at what happens...the women in the room are feeling all loving and $h!t...eyeing the male species in the room trying to figure out which one they can get their love jones on with and the men in the room...they a$$es is left lusting some other man's woman...
sJea comes up from behind...trying to surprise Sybil and pull her away from the mike...
naw...sJea leave me alone...i got some $h!t to say...
ladies...there ain't nothing wrong with romance...hell...i love some romance my damn self...but for real ladies...you gotta love yourself more than you love romance and more than you love the individual that you are trying to make be the man in your life...
take some time and step back and look at the relationship that you are in...are you getting a fair return on your investment? or...are you being shortchanged? is this a relationship that you made a decision that you wanted to be in? or was this just the next knucklehead that came around the corner and out of desperation you began to call the bull$h!t that you go through a relationship because you decided that a piece of a man is better than no man at all?
now...i'm not hating on the fellas...i'm just saying...
all this romanticalness is all cute and $h!t...but let's be real...make sure you're looking out for your needs in your relationship...that you are pulling the rose colored glasses off...looking at a situation for what it is and not projecting a long term relationship onto what is a short term acquaintance at best...
learn not to fall in love with a man just cause he slinging a strong johnson and he can make your clit sing...learn to balance that $h!t out with getting to know a negro...meet some of his friends...meet his family...meet his co-workers...meet his dog...hell...meet some f*cking body before you start writing his LAST name behind YOUR first name...looking for bridesmaid's dresses and naming y'all's future kids...
finally, with the help of security, sJea succeeds in yanking Sybil's a$$ offstage...she stands in front of the crowd, straightening her wig, pulling down her dress and facing the stares of the open mouthed partygoers...
"ahem...excuse me...i have to apologize for that...sometimes...she just jumps out from nowhere...and i don't even see her coming...
was she with someone in a fur coat?...oh never mind...
tell you what...next round of drinks on the house...
oh...and let us return to our scheduled entertainment..."
Sybil is ranting!!!
mi....mi.....you mean to tell me that you stand in front of a room full of STRANGERS and pour out your ALL YOUR LOVE and this billy dee wanna be a$$ negro comes all up in yo 15 minutes of fame...not offering you a real future...but some lame a$$ movie moment??!?!?!!?
GTFOH!!!!
for real...
you have poured every ounce of your being into letting the world...or at least the 165 people at 255 Courtland know that you love this man...and the best he can come up with is..."I can't make you no promises."
see...that's what's wrong with females today...they get all caught up in the 'romance' and forget to look at the details.
mimi...that dude didn't even tell you that he LOVES you too...his ass just wants to walk off into the sunset...hell...ain't he got a car?!?!?!?!
and look at what happens...the women in the room are feeling all loving and $h!t...eyeing the male species in the room trying to figure out which one they can get their love jones on with and the men in the room...they a$$es is left lusting some other man's woman...
sJea comes up from behind...trying to surprise Sybil and pull her away from the mike...
naw...sJea leave me alone...i got some $h!t to say...
ladies...there ain't nothing wrong with romance...hell...i love some romance my damn self...but for real ladies...you gotta love yourself more than you love romance and more than you love the individual that you are trying to make be the man in your life...
take some time and step back and look at the relationship that you are in...are you getting a fair return on your investment? or...are you being shortchanged? is this a relationship that you made a decision that you wanted to be in? or was this just the next knucklehead that came around the corner and out of desperation you began to call the bull$h!t that you go through a relationship because you decided that a piece of a man is better than no man at all?
now...i'm not hating on the fellas...i'm just saying...
all this romanticalness is all cute and $h!t...but let's be real...make sure you're looking out for your needs in your relationship...that you are pulling the rose colored glasses off...looking at a situation for what it is and not projecting a long term relationship onto what is a short term acquaintance at best...
learn not to fall in love with a man just cause he slinging a strong johnson and he can make your clit sing...learn to balance that $h!t out with getting to know a negro...meet some of his friends...meet his family...meet his co-workers...meet his dog...hell...meet some f*cking body before you start writing his LAST name behind YOUR first name...looking for bridesmaid's dresses and naming y'all's future kids...
finally, with the help of security, sJea succeeds in yanking Sybil's a$$ offstage...she stands in front of the crowd, straightening her wig, pulling down her dress and facing the stares of the open mouthed partygoers...
"ahem...excuse me...i have to apologize for that...sometimes...she just jumps out from nowhere...and i don't even see her coming...
was she with someone in a fur coat?...oh never mind...
tell you what...next round of drinks on the house...
oh...and let us return to our scheduled entertainment..."
8.24.2005
Saturday Night
She didn't realize that all heads turned as she entered room. The midnight blue outfit that she wore played to each voluptuous curve of her womanly body. She had an air about her that you instinctively knew was as much a part of her sexiness as each confident step that she took into the center of the room.
She moved toward an empty spot at the bar and before she could properly seat herself, she was approached by an eager brother who touched her elbow in an attempt to assist her onto the stool's high seat.
A brief flash of annoyance crossed her lovely face but before the unsuspecting gentlemen could recognize it for what it was, she graced him with a winning smile and murmured a soft word of thanks. He immediately took that as an invitation to a conversation.
"Hi, I noticed you when you walked in. I wanted to introduce myself. My name is Barrett."
"Barrett, it's nice to meet you."
"Would you mind telling me your name?"
"My name is Mimi."
"Could I buy you a drink?"
"Actually, Barrett, while I'm very much flattered by your chivalry and I do appreciate your polite approach. I came here tonight just to experience the atmosphere, get lost in the jazz and be moved by the poetry. I didn't come to meet anyone. I came to just be."
Anger flared up and turned Barrett's handsome countenance into an unattractive grimace. "See, that's what I'm talking about. You sisters are always complaining about being unable to meet a nice man and when one approaches you, you shut him down without a second thought."
As she listened to the unprovoked tirade, Mimi's smile turned into a look of patient understanding.
"Um, Barrett, sweetie? Are you done venting?"
With a cross little boy nod, he indicated that he was.
"Dearheart, it was not my intention to offend you. I thought I was being quite polite by explaining my reasons for being here tonight. You see, I would be wrong to allow you to spend your hard earned money on me when everything you will ever get out of an exchange with me, you've already gotten. So, your drink dollars would be better invested on some other undoubtedly lucky young lady who came here to meet just such a man as yourself."
"But why not you?"
"Because Mimi's got a man."
Just about that time, the emcee stepped to the stage, welcomed the crowd and immediately introduced the first poet of the night.
"Atlanta, for the first time anywhere, please give it up for Mimi!!!"
A very surprised Barrett offered Mimi a helping hand and she moved with feline grace and a quiet confidence toward the stage.
She positioned herself in front of the mike and the first notes drifted across the room from the piano man's nimble fingers.
"First I want to do a short piece called breathing exercise. I hope you like it."
Mimi closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
"breathe in, slow down, listen…
there is rhyme for this reason
and a time for this season,
cause my man is always pleasin’
me in ways i never imagined.
if i had known this magic did exist,
there’s no way i would have missed
opportunities to be kissed
in other places.
now, time won’t stand still
and my heart can no longer feel
the things that are not real
or make believe.
so i stand on mountaintops and shout
words to tell what love is all about
and listen, slow down, breathe out."
As Mimi opened her eyes and stepped away from the mike, applause took over the room until with a modest smile, she again moved forward and held up her hands.
"This is a piece that I wrote for the man in my life. He couldn't be here tonight, but his spirit travels with me and I am never alone. This is still a work in progress and doesn't really have a title yet, but I'm hoping you will feel what I felt as I began to put this piece together."
This time, the soulful notes from the sexy sax played across the room as Mimi again closed her eyes. For a long moment, she said nothing. When she finally opened her mouth, the first sound was a low moan that came from the deepest part of her.
"Mmmmmmmmmmmmm, boy what you do to me
There are not enough words to tell.
And if your loving keeps me from heaven,
I am on a speed train bound for hell.
Security is what I find with you
when I'm wrapped in your loving arms
And I know that you will always protect me
And keep me safe from harm.
It is evident in every part of your being
That you know how to walk the walk.
And when you're whispering sweet nothings in my ear,
You can surely talk the talk.
When I'm with you, time flies by.
The moments too swiftly pass.
I wish I could stretch each second
and make our time together last.
Three hours seems like three seconds
And three days are not enough,
When all I want is you close to me
Filling me with your love.
When I'm with you, I only want to make you happy
for it gladdens my heart to see you smile.
I'll hold your hand as we take this journey
I'll be with you until the last mile.
Each moment spend together
Certainly heaven here on earth.
And I could spend a thousand tomorrows
But never measure love's worth.
From the deepest part of me,
You see into my soul.
You look past all my secrets.
You magnify my whole.
All that I am and hope to be
I lay at your feet.
And I trust you with my heart
To forever safely keep.
At the end of the day, when every word's been said
And each feeling has been expressed.
I'll keep giving you my all and all
for you give me nothing less.
I am lost within the spell of you
And love's sweet serenity.
I give you this love forever and
For all eternity.
As she stepped away from the mike for a final time and the last strains of music floated away, the entire room was spellbound. As she opened eyes filled with tears of emotion, before her stood her man. Silently, he held his hand out to her and she moved in a trance toward him.
No one in the room moved. Every eye was glued to the scene playing out before them.
As she neared, only those closest to them could hear his words.
"Mimi, will you take my hand and walk with me? I don't know where this path will lead us, but I know without a doubt that I all I want is to have you with me each step along the way. And I can't make any promise past today, but I can assure you that I will do all that I can on this day to see you smile."
The teardrops began to fall as she gazed into his eyes. She said nothing. She only took his hand. As they walked away from the spotlight and out into the night, a collective sigh was heard as the room burst into thunderous applause. Leaving each man in the room longing for the lovely creature who had left each woman present with a renewed faith in love.
She moved toward an empty spot at the bar and before she could properly seat herself, she was approached by an eager brother who touched her elbow in an attempt to assist her onto the stool's high seat.
A brief flash of annoyance crossed her lovely face but before the unsuspecting gentlemen could recognize it for what it was, she graced him with a winning smile and murmured a soft word of thanks. He immediately took that as an invitation to a conversation.
"Hi, I noticed you when you walked in. I wanted to introduce myself. My name is Barrett."
"Barrett, it's nice to meet you."
"Would you mind telling me your name?"
"My name is Mimi."
"Could I buy you a drink?"
"Actually, Barrett, while I'm very much flattered by your chivalry and I do appreciate your polite approach. I came here tonight just to experience the atmosphere, get lost in the jazz and be moved by the poetry. I didn't come to meet anyone. I came to just be."
Anger flared up and turned Barrett's handsome countenance into an unattractive grimace. "See, that's what I'm talking about. You sisters are always complaining about being unable to meet a nice man and when one approaches you, you shut him down without a second thought."
As she listened to the unprovoked tirade, Mimi's smile turned into a look of patient understanding.
"Um, Barrett, sweetie? Are you done venting?"
With a cross little boy nod, he indicated that he was.
"Dearheart, it was not my intention to offend you. I thought I was being quite polite by explaining my reasons for being here tonight. You see, I would be wrong to allow you to spend your hard earned money on me when everything you will ever get out of an exchange with me, you've already gotten. So, your drink dollars would be better invested on some other undoubtedly lucky young lady who came here to meet just such a man as yourself."
"But why not you?"
"Because Mimi's got a man."
Just about that time, the emcee stepped to the stage, welcomed the crowd and immediately introduced the first poet of the night.
"Atlanta, for the first time anywhere, please give it up for Mimi!!!"
A very surprised Barrett offered Mimi a helping hand and she moved with feline grace and a quiet confidence toward the stage.
She positioned herself in front of the mike and the first notes drifted across the room from the piano man's nimble fingers.
"First I want to do a short piece called breathing exercise. I hope you like it."
Mimi closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
"breathe in, slow down, listen…
there is rhyme for this reason
and a time for this season,
cause my man is always pleasin’
me in ways i never imagined.
if i had known this magic did exist,
there’s no way i would have missed
opportunities to be kissed
in other places.
now, time won’t stand still
and my heart can no longer feel
the things that are not real
or make believe.
so i stand on mountaintops and shout
words to tell what love is all about
and listen, slow down, breathe out."
As Mimi opened her eyes and stepped away from the mike, applause took over the room until with a modest smile, she again moved forward and held up her hands.
"This is a piece that I wrote for the man in my life. He couldn't be here tonight, but his spirit travels with me and I am never alone. This is still a work in progress and doesn't really have a title yet, but I'm hoping you will feel what I felt as I began to put this piece together."
This time, the soulful notes from the sexy sax played across the room as Mimi again closed her eyes. For a long moment, she said nothing. When she finally opened her mouth, the first sound was a low moan that came from the deepest part of her.
"Mmmmmmmmmmmmm, boy what you do to me
There are not enough words to tell.
And if your loving keeps me from heaven,
I am on a speed train bound for hell.
Security is what I find with you
when I'm wrapped in your loving arms
And I know that you will always protect me
And keep me safe from harm.
It is evident in every part of your being
That you know how to walk the walk.
And when you're whispering sweet nothings in my ear,
You can surely talk the talk.
When I'm with you, time flies by.
The moments too swiftly pass.
I wish I could stretch each second
and make our time together last.
Three hours seems like three seconds
And three days are not enough,
When all I want is you close to me
Filling me with your love.
When I'm with you, I only want to make you happy
for it gladdens my heart to see you smile.
I'll hold your hand as we take this journey
I'll be with you until the last mile.
Each moment spend together
Certainly heaven here on earth.
And I could spend a thousand tomorrows
But never measure love's worth.
From the deepest part of me,
You see into my soul.
You look past all my secrets.
You magnify my whole.
All that I am and hope to be
I lay at your feet.
And I trust you with my heart
To forever safely keep.
At the end of the day, when every word's been said
And each feeling has been expressed.
I'll keep giving you my all and all
for you give me nothing less.
I am lost within the spell of you
And love's sweet serenity.
I give you this love forever and
For all eternity.
As she stepped away from the mike for a final time and the last strains of music floated away, the entire room was spellbound. As she opened eyes filled with tears of emotion, before her stood her man. Silently, he held his hand out to her and she moved in a trance toward him.
No one in the room moved. Every eye was glued to the scene playing out before them.
As she neared, only those closest to them could hear his words.
"Mimi, will you take my hand and walk with me? I don't know where this path will lead us, but I know without a doubt that I all I want is to have you with me each step along the way. And I can't make any promise past today, but I can assure you that I will do all that I can on this day to see you smile."
The teardrops began to fall as she gazed into his eyes. She said nothing. She only took his hand. As they walked away from the spotlight and out into the night, a collective sigh was heard as the room burst into thunderous applause. Leaving each man in the room longing for the lovely creature who had left each woman present with a renewed faith in love.
8.23.2005
grab bag...
you know the thing that i hate about an effin grab bag...there's usually only one good thing in the sorry sack...that ALMOST makes up for the $1 you spent for it...so...send your dollars HERE...and hopefully somewhere in this post...you'll find that ONE thing...
i was moving around the apartment last night butt a$$ naked, holding on to my bottom belly and jiggling it with my hands as i walked...and i was thinking of a whole bunch of stuff that i want to blog about...
but...now that i'm actually sitting here...i got's nothing...suffering from a classic case of CRS...can't remember sh!t...
i do want to mention that sorry f*ck blogbot...and give him an emphatic cyber f*ck you...for his review of my blog on his spot...but then again...as ryan cameron says, "You're not official until you've got haters."...so...maybe i should be expressing my appreciation because with THAT much hate...there is NO WAY i'm not official...
six weeks ago...my daddy...the real one...supposedly...promised me that he was going to send me some money...i just got it in the mail yesterday...
brows finally grew back in...went to dendera in the mall west end to get them done properly...and they were CLOSED...went across the street to nina's nail shop and she hooked 'em up just fine...i now look normal even when i don't have on a lick of browliner...
tp took me to the batting cages on saturday so that i could work on my softball swing...we spent about three hours out there...he's a perfect coach...next workout...my fielding and throwing...
oh...one more thing...i think after nearly 33 years...i'm finally finding the balance between falling head over heels like a brainless idiot and taking time to know a person that you're getting to know and just letting things develop...there is no race to the let's fall in love finish line...we've got all the time in the world...let's just relax into it and be anxious for nothing...
but like gunner said the other day...let me get off here before i keep rambling...
i was moving around the apartment last night butt a$$ naked, holding on to my bottom belly and jiggling it with my hands as i walked...and i was thinking of a whole bunch of stuff that i want to blog about...
but...now that i'm actually sitting here...i got's nothing...suffering from a classic case of CRS...can't remember sh!t...
i do want to mention that sorry f*ck blogbot...and give him an emphatic cyber f*ck you...for his review of my blog on his spot...but then again...as ryan cameron says, "You're not official until you've got haters."...so...maybe i should be expressing my appreciation because with THAT much hate...there is NO WAY i'm not official...
six weeks ago...my daddy...the real one...supposedly...promised me that he was going to send me some money...i just got it in the mail yesterday...
brows finally grew back in...went to dendera in the mall west end to get them done properly...and they were CLOSED...went across the street to nina's nail shop and she hooked 'em up just fine...i now look normal even when i don't have on a lick of browliner...
tp took me to the batting cages on saturday so that i could work on my softball swing...we spent about three hours out there...he's a perfect coach...next workout...my fielding and throwing...
oh...one more thing...i think after nearly 33 years...i'm finally finding the balance between falling head over heels like a brainless idiot and taking time to know a person that you're getting to know and just letting things develop...there is no race to the let's fall in love finish line...we've got all the time in the world...let's just relax into it and be anxious for nothing...
but like gunner said the other day...let me get off here before i keep rambling...
8.20.2005
a midlife encounter...
That crazy chick Midlife showed up at my door in that ridiculous fur coat. I should have known something was up. Who in DAHELL wears a fur coat on an August night in Atlanta?!?!?!?!
Being the BGRITS (black girl raised in the south) that I am, full of southern hospitality, I graciously invited her in despite the late, late hour.
Her old rude ass immediately barged in asking me, "Where's the Hen-Dog?"
"Now, Middy, you know my ass don't drink. All I got in here is some water, Cokes, root beer and a bottle of wine some lame ass bought me for Valentines Day. Yes, lame because the fucker knows that I don't drink. How you gone bring a leftover bottle of no-name wineto a tee-totaler?"
Suddenly, I noticed that Middy has gotten awfully quiet.
I turned from the refrigerator and I was greeted with a sight that halted me midturn. The no-name bottle of wine slipped from my grasp breaking all over tile that is the color of faded mustard. The 16 ounce bottle of crystal geyser bounced and rolled under a chair.
This lunatic done pulled a gun out on me.
"Middy, sweetie, what's wrong? What did I do? What do you need? Here. Take everything I have. You can have my six dollar watch from Wal-mart, my life savings from my red plastic piggy bank and the flick collection that I keep under the secret compartment in my stereo rack. Take whatever you want. Just don't hurt me."
"Oh hell, girl. I didn't come for your shit. And I don't want to hurt you. I came for a new blog entry."
So, I'm sitting here wrapped in the infamous red blanket, cheap ass wine drying in the cracks of my kitchen tile, sleep crumbs still stuck in the corner of my eyes, contacts so dried out that I can't damn see straight with Middy's gun stuck in my side.
Fortunately, that damn fur coat has her ass so hot she is to the point of delirium and can't see straight to read what I'm typing.
So, I'm sending out a plea.
HELP ME!!!!!!
Somebody call 911!!!!!!!
Being the BGRITS (black girl raised in the south) that I am, full of southern hospitality, I graciously invited her in despite the late, late hour.
Her old rude ass immediately barged in asking me, "Where's the Hen-Dog?"
"Now, Middy, you know my ass don't drink. All I got in here is some water, Cokes, root beer and a bottle of wine some lame ass bought me for Valentines Day. Yes, lame because the fucker knows that I don't drink. How you gone bring a leftover bottle of no-name wineto a tee-totaler?"
Suddenly, I noticed that Middy has gotten awfully quiet.
I turned from the refrigerator and I was greeted with a sight that halted me midturn. The no-name bottle of wine slipped from my grasp breaking all over tile that is the color of faded mustard. The 16 ounce bottle of crystal geyser bounced and rolled under a chair.
This lunatic done pulled a gun out on me.
"Middy, sweetie, what's wrong? What did I do? What do you need? Here. Take everything I have. You can have my six dollar watch from Wal-mart, my life savings from my red plastic piggy bank and the flick collection that I keep under the secret compartment in my stereo rack. Take whatever you want. Just don't hurt me."
"Oh hell, girl. I didn't come for your shit. And I don't want to hurt you. I came for a new blog entry."
So, I'm sitting here wrapped in the infamous red blanket, cheap ass wine drying in the cracks of my kitchen tile, sleep crumbs still stuck in the corner of my eyes, contacts so dried out that I can't damn see straight with Middy's gun stuck in my side.
Fortunately, that damn fur coat has her ass so hot she is to the point of delirium and can't see straight to read what I'm typing.
So, I'm sending out a plea.
HELP ME!!!!!!
Somebody call 911!!!!!!!
8.16.2005
love and unity
Love calls my name from every corner
Of your mind, speaking in hushed
Volumes and with whispered words of affection.
Each time I am away from you, I count the minutes
And the hours and leaf through our memories in my mind.
Never imagining an existence without you.
Delighting in the strength of this
Union and comforted by the security in your arms.
Needing nothing more than to have you in my life forever.
I am made new each time our eyes meet for our spirits touch.
Truth is…I carry you in my thoughts constantly and
You are never far from me.
Of your mind, speaking in hushed
Volumes and with whispered words of affection.
Each time I am away from you, I count the minutes
And the hours and leaf through our memories in my mind.
Never imagining an existence without you.
Delighting in the strength of this
Union and comforted by the security in your arms.
Needing nothing more than to have you in my life forever.
I am made new each time our eyes meet for our spirits touch.
Truth is…I carry you in my thoughts constantly and
You are never far from me.
8.15.2005
as we lay...
last night...it stormed in atlanta...again...and at 843p...the power went out...again...
i had just stepped away from the stove and gotten down on the floor where he was watching love jones and lay my head on his chest...listening to the rumbles of his deep voice vibrating from deep within...his hands were touching my hair...and i was smiling into his tshirt...
the power blinked...and then went completely off...i immediately made a move to get up and get flashlights and matches to light candles...but he stopped me...and held me still...
"what are you doing?"
"i'm gonna get us some light...."
"what's wrong with this? are you scared?"
having no response, i said nothing...but ceased my movements and relaxed back into our position...
for long moments...there was no conversation...
then he said, "come here..."
so i moved closer to fit into that groove under his arm...placing my head on his shoulder...and he pulled me close...placing little kisses along my cheek...i inhaled...his scent was like a match igniting a slow fire in a warm place...and his touch was a soothing melody strumming gentle notes across my skin...
the silence in the room, our relaxed breathing ...and the fading sounds of thunder leisurely rolling across the night sky provided a soundtrack...
exactly how long we lay this way...i could not tell...i eventually got up to get a flashlight and matches so that i could return to the kitchen and finishing preparing the meal that we ate by candlelight...
as i sit here this afternoon...thinking back to last night...i remember the feeling i felt as we lay...it was as if time stood still and if only for that moment...heaven visited the only two people in my world...and i exhaled...
i had just stepped away from the stove and gotten down on the floor where he was watching love jones and lay my head on his chest...listening to the rumbles of his deep voice vibrating from deep within...his hands were touching my hair...and i was smiling into his tshirt...
the power blinked...and then went completely off...i immediately made a move to get up and get flashlights and matches to light candles...but he stopped me...and held me still...
"what are you doing?"
"i'm gonna get us some light...."
"what's wrong with this? are you scared?"
having no response, i said nothing...but ceased my movements and relaxed back into our position...
for long moments...there was no conversation...
then he said, "come here..."
so i moved closer to fit into that groove under his arm...placing my head on his shoulder...and he pulled me close...placing little kisses along my cheek...i inhaled...his scent was like a match igniting a slow fire in a warm place...and his touch was a soothing melody strumming gentle notes across my skin...
the silence in the room, our relaxed breathing ...and the fading sounds of thunder leisurely rolling across the night sky provided a soundtrack...
exactly how long we lay this way...i could not tell...i eventually got up to get a flashlight and matches so that i could return to the kitchen and finishing preparing the meal that we ate by candlelight...
as i sit here this afternoon...thinking back to last night...i remember the feeling i felt as we lay...it was as if time stood still and if only for that moment...heaven visited the only two people in my world...and i exhaled...
8.08.2005
so NOT the banger sisters...
for the majority of the summer...i have been a HUGE homebody...
lately...not the case...
friday night...i experienced some good, clean family fun...my dad, my mom and my sisters and i all went out to the NCO club on fort gillem...they all got drunk and i got sleepy...i drove us all home at 300a...
saturday midday...zee and i went to birmingham to the southern heritage festival...she has a friend that is the drummer for The O'Jays...we hung out at the hotel and had passes for backstage during the concerts...
the show started late and after we stayed for the next act...Frankie Beverly and Maze...it was damn near 300a again...so...we ended up going back to the hotel...getting a room...where i crashed immediately...
sunday morning, zee was talking about staying for that afternoon's concerts...she'd met someone with another band and wanted to go and hang out with him for a bit...
that was a big NO-GO for me...i'd had enough of groupie duty and being one of the girls with the band...
besides...i had my own someone that i wanted to see...and my someone was NOT in birmingham...
i think i got about 5 hours of real sleep all weekend...and today...i'm paying for it...i think it's a sign of getting older...i can no longer party for two days straight without my body shutting down on me for lack of sleep...
lately...not the case...
friday night...i experienced some good, clean family fun...my dad, my mom and my sisters and i all went out to the NCO club on fort gillem...they all got drunk and i got sleepy...i drove us all home at 300a...
saturday midday...zee and i went to birmingham to the southern heritage festival...she has a friend that is the drummer for The O'Jays...we hung out at the hotel and had passes for backstage during the concerts...
the show started late and after we stayed for the next act...Frankie Beverly and Maze...it was damn near 300a again...so...we ended up going back to the hotel...getting a room...where i crashed immediately...
sunday morning, zee was talking about staying for that afternoon's concerts...she'd met someone with another band and wanted to go and hang out with him for a bit...
that was a big NO-GO for me...i'd had enough of groupie duty and being one of the girls with the band...
besides...i had my own someone that i wanted to see...and my someone was NOT in birmingham...
i think i got about 5 hours of real sleep all weekend...and today...i'm paying for it...i think it's a sign of getting older...i can no longer party for two days straight without my body shutting down on me for lack of sleep...
8.04.2005
ragg'ly brows...
yes...i said ragg'ly...
which is slightly effed up when it comes to my brows...
because face it...your brows frame your face...and beautifully arched brows can be one of your best beauty accessories...(have you seen those pictures of ashanti before her brows were arched? she looked like a she-wolf...)
sad to say...my brows are all effed up...(hold on while i go to the bathroom and confirm just how effed up they are...brb...)
yep...all effed up...
now...i can pick up my covergirl espresso brown eye pencil (which doubles as my lipliner - i'm a minimalist when it comes to makeup and reminds me - why do so many people use BLACK EYELINER to fill in their brows? they look straight crazy - but alas...another vent for another day) and draw in a perfect pair...however...as soon as i wash my face...i am left with these two funny shaped patches of hair that resemble...um, let me see...nothing...
they have been overplucked, overshaped and overdone...and they look a hot mess...
so...i know that what i need to do is let them grow back in and take my ass to the brow shop in the mall west end and have them arched properly...
but i swear that it's harder than growing out a bad hair cut...
so...right now...i am trying to be as committed to letting my brows grow as i have been to this morning walk thing (which i HATE - i spend nearly the entire hour walk thinking - this is some BULLshit...)
wonder how long it'll take?
which is slightly effed up when it comes to my brows...
because face it...your brows frame your face...and beautifully arched brows can be one of your best beauty accessories...(have you seen those pictures of ashanti before her brows were arched? she looked like a she-wolf...)
sad to say...my brows are all effed up...(hold on while i go to the bathroom and confirm just how effed up they are...brb...)
yep...all effed up...
now...i can pick up my covergirl espresso brown eye pencil (which doubles as my lipliner - i'm a minimalist when it comes to makeup and reminds me - why do so many people use BLACK EYELINER to fill in their brows? they look straight crazy - but alas...another vent for another day) and draw in a perfect pair...however...as soon as i wash my face...i am left with these two funny shaped patches of hair that resemble...um, let me see...nothing...
they have been overplucked, overshaped and overdone...and they look a hot mess...
so...i know that what i need to do is let them grow back in and take my ass to the brow shop in the mall west end and have them arched properly...
but i swear that it's harder than growing out a bad hair cut...
so...right now...i am trying to be as committed to letting my brows grow as i have been to this morning walk thing (which i HATE - i spend nearly the entire hour walk thinking - this is some BULLshit...)
wonder how long it'll take?
8.02.2005
f*ck you...
Is it that I am non-confrontational?
Or perhaps I possess the manners that I was raised with?
Could it be that I am wuss?
Or maybe I really just don't care that much?
Whatever the case may be, today, someone really made me want to walk up to them and say, "F*CK YOU!!!" while giving them repeated middle finger an inch away from their nose.
As it stands, I am probably all of the above - an indifferent, mannerable, peace loving weakling. However, I really don't possess the energy or the motivation to determine which it actually is.
Instead, I emphatically thrust my middle finger in the air and with much enthusiasm, I issue a big fat cyber F*CK YOU!!!
Now - I feel better.
Or perhaps I possess the manners that I was raised with?
Could it be that I am wuss?
Or maybe I really just don't care that much?
Whatever the case may be, today, someone really made me want to walk up to them and say, "F*CK YOU!!!" while giving them repeated middle finger an inch away from their nose.
As it stands, I am probably all of the above - an indifferent, mannerable, peace loving weakling. However, I really don't possess the energy or the motivation to determine which it actually is.
Instead, I emphatically thrust my middle finger in the air and with much enthusiasm, I issue a big fat cyber F*CK YOU!!!
Now - I feel better.
8.01.2005
you'll NEVER guess where i am.....
blogging from Lee Tire Company...on GA HWY 85 in riverdale...
who'da thunk it?
sometimes...it's funny how things come full circle...sometimes...it's fucked up...
just yesterday morning...i was walking down ralph david abernathy...(and no, i was NOT on the ho stroll)...as i was crossing langhorn...i happened to look down at the road surface...what catches my attention, but nails...i mean LOTS of them...well...maybe six...strewn along the edge of the road...nearly at curbside...along with various other foreign objects debris (officially called FOD by the FAA) that look like it could do some major damage to people's shit...and i thought..."Damn...that's a lot of flat tires."...
now...i could have done the good samaritan type thing and picked the nails up...but i would have looked like a crack addict walking down the side of the street picking up all those damn nails at 730a on a sunday morning...somebody would have tried to collect on that $65 that grady gives for turning in crazy people...
now for the full circle of it...can somebody tell me why i found myself up under my effin truck properly positioning the jack because at some point yesterday afternoon (a mere 8 hours later), i picked up some FOD?
this was only my second time in life EVER changing a tire...the first being some months back when the DIVA's stang had two flat tires in my driveway...and my first time changing a tire on a truck...two tee-totally different experiences...
so...somehow...i end up on my two bellies on the pavement with the jack...all the while praying that i put the damn thing in the proper place so as to not really screw up something that would cost more money than i have to fix...if i had known how much work it was going to be...i would have called TP like he told me i should have done...but...since i'm a big old collard green and cornbread fed Kountry girl who is the calendar girl for miss effin independent (which is a whole nother post for a whole nother day)...i got out there and did it my damn self...
but enough about that...
left the office a bit early this afternoon...came around the corner to Lee's Tire Company and found nirvana for an internet junkie like me...free high speed internet while you wait...HOT DAMN!!!!!!!!
i could hardly contain my excitement...
my fingers are flying across the keyboard...trying to get all of this down...all the while...i'm shooting daggers at this redneck looking guy in the waiting area...cause he'd better not even THINK about needing to check his email...look up nascar standing or pull up any page that contains the phrase "GIT 'ER DONE"...
cause.i.ain't.givin'.up.the.'net...'
unless they gone call the police...
who'da thunk it?
sometimes...it's funny how things come full circle...sometimes...it's fucked up...
just yesterday morning...i was walking down ralph david abernathy...(and no, i was NOT on the ho stroll)...as i was crossing langhorn...i happened to look down at the road surface...what catches my attention, but nails...i mean LOTS of them...well...maybe six...strewn along the edge of the road...nearly at curbside...along with various other foreign objects debris (officially called FOD by the FAA) that look like it could do some major damage to people's shit...and i thought..."Damn...that's a lot of flat tires."...
now...i could have done the good samaritan type thing and picked the nails up...but i would have looked like a crack addict walking down the side of the street picking up all those damn nails at 730a on a sunday morning...somebody would have tried to collect on that $65 that grady gives for turning in crazy people...
now for the full circle of it...can somebody tell me why i found myself up under my effin truck properly positioning the jack because at some point yesterday afternoon (a mere 8 hours later), i picked up some FOD?
this was only my second time in life EVER changing a tire...the first being some months back when the DIVA's stang had two flat tires in my driveway...and my first time changing a tire on a truck...two tee-totally different experiences...
so...somehow...i end up on my two bellies on the pavement with the jack...all the while praying that i put the damn thing in the proper place so as to not really screw up something that would cost more money than i have to fix...if i had known how much work it was going to be...i would have called TP like he told me i should have done...but...since i'm a big old collard green and cornbread fed Kountry girl who is the calendar girl for miss effin independent (which is a whole nother post for a whole nother day)...i got out there and did it my damn self...
but enough about that...
left the office a bit early this afternoon...came around the corner to Lee's Tire Company and found nirvana for an internet junkie like me...free high speed internet while you wait...HOT DAMN!!!!!!!!
i could hardly contain my excitement...
my fingers are flying across the keyboard...trying to get all of this down...all the while...i'm shooting daggers at this redneck looking guy in the waiting area...cause he'd better not even THINK about needing to check his email...look up nascar standing or pull up any page that contains the phrase "GIT 'ER DONE"...
cause.i.ain't.givin'.up.the.'net...'
unless they gone call the police...
7.28.2005
Terminated During Probationary Period
Official Notice
July 18, 2005
JLT
Atlanta, Georgia
Dear JLT:
This is to notify you that you are hereby being terminated for providing false information during the recruiting process. You were not truthful about your qualifications and misleading regarding your experience. Combined with your mistrust of your employer, excessive use of alcohol on the job and pyschotic tendencies, it is not with regret that we inform you that your services are no longer needed.
July 18, 2005
JLT
Atlanta, Georgia
Dear JLT:
This is to notify you that you are hereby being terminated for providing false information during the recruiting process. You were not truthful about your qualifications and misleading regarding your experience. Combined with your mistrust of your employer, excessive use of alcohol on the job and pyschotic tendencies, it is not with regret that we inform you that your services are no longer needed.
And that is the end of that... sJea no longer has a man...
It's like Tazzee says - A relationship ain't a relationship until you get past the 90 day probationary period. And like Chris Rock says - The relationship representative will show up at first.
And that's exactly what happened to me. I was hoodwinked, bamboozled, led astray. I'm actually kind of pissed at myself. I'm old enough to know better.
He said he was a minister. Um, yeah...interesting that he quoted the most scripture when he was two sheets to the wind.
He said that he was trusting. Funny how our every phone conversation started with the Big 3 questions - Where are you? What are you doing? Who's with you?
He said that he admired a confident woman with her own opinions, own interests and a life outside of the relationship. Amazing how he constantly attempted to control how I responded to him by accusing me of constantly getting smart with him and using a flippant tone. So much so, that for about 2 seconds I was hesitating before I responded to him because I was considering how to say what I was going to say without pissing him off. And when I would give him an opinion that did not line up with his unfortunately narrowminded ideas, he would quickly cut me off in mid-sentence and dismiss what I'd said with no thought for my feelings. Sadly, he never wanted to hear about anything that was going on in my life because he was so busy telling me what was going on in his. (I mean, I know I'm a good listener, but day-um!) And anytime I left the house to live my life (any purpose not work related), he called and texted me consistently. (During one of my softball games, he sent me 24 texts within an hour.)
And I could go on...but just thinking about all that this relationship was supposed to be, but wasn't makes me tired. I was quite optimistic on the outset (hell, I'm the original eternal optimist). I wanted to fall in love with this man and have him be the last man I ever loved on this earth. However, even in my eternal optimism dwells realism and the real of it, life is too short to subject yourself to assholes.
So, what did I end up with?
Another notch on a belt that really has no room for any more notches.
7.27.2005
Flat Abs...PHAT @$$...Flat Abs....PHAT @$$...
That's my chant for when i'm working out, during my morning walk, while taking my step classes and when I'm doing crunches.
It helps me keep a mental picture of what I am working to achieve.
Flat abs...PHAT @$$!!!
It helps me keep a mental picture of what I am working to achieve.
Flat abs...PHAT @$$!!!
(And of course I mean Pretty, Hot And Tempting!)
Drums, please...(Okay, that SO does not fit here and is actually kind of whack and when I typed it, I could immediately hear Will Smith at the start of Summertime, but I was feeling it, so...)
However, I digress.
My alarm is set for 615am. Most mornings, I fervently wish for a nice little .38 caliber pistol to exact quick punishment on the little black bose stereo at the side of my bed that dares to disturb my peaceful, wonderful beauty rest. As the fog of sleep clears from my mind and I become cognizant of the fact that I'm supposed to be hopping out of the bed eager to get out in the sticky, humid heat of the morning to trek two and a half miles in the attempt to 'get fineR', I sigh deeply, yawn once, stretch slowly and roll back over.
Well, yesterday, a question ran across my mind that once I considered the answer, it pushed me out of bed into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. The answer forced me into my sports bra, loose fitting white tee (ain't nothing you can't do in a white tee), spandex shorts, pompom socks and nike tennis shoes. It sent me into the kitchen for that first morning glass of water. It caused me to pick up my headset, clip on my cell phone and pick up my protector (which on the outside looks like a simple 3' walking stick stick but actually the handle pulls out to reveal a 12" shank that I not only know how to use, but will not hesitate to do so should someone intend to do me harm - what can I say? I don't like violence, but I AM walking around in the West End of Atlanta at 630am) . It propels me out the door, down the stairs, past that loud @$$ Sheba (Mr. Lomax's German Shepard who HATES me) and down the sidewalk where supposedly, I am delighted to be breathing in the half wet, hot, heavy morning air.
And what is the twenty pound question?
Well, I say to myself, "Self, what's more important to you? Another 60 minutes of sleep which will allow you to remain a fat ass with two tummies that crease when you sit down? or Getting your rear in gear and sticking with the 'get fineR' program that will get you to the flat abs and phat @$$ that you dream about?"
And of course the answer -
Flat abs...PHAT @$$! ! !
Drums, please...(Okay, that SO does not fit here and is actually kind of whack and when I typed it, I could immediately hear Will Smith at the start of Summertime, but I was feeling it, so...)
However, I digress.
My alarm is set for 615am. Most mornings, I fervently wish for a nice little .38 caliber pistol to exact quick punishment on the little black bose stereo at the side of my bed that dares to disturb my peaceful, wonderful beauty rest. As the fog of sleep clears from my mind and I become cognizant of the fact that I'm supposed to be hopping out of the bed eager to get out in the sticky, humid heat of the morning to trek two and a half miles in the attempt to 'get fineR', I sigh deeply, yawn once, stretch slowly and roll back over.
Well, yesterday, a question ran across my mind that once I considered the answer, it pushed me out of bed into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. The answer forced me into my sports bra, loose fitting white tee (ain't nothing you can't do in a white tee), spandex shorts, pompom socks and nike tennis shoes. It sent me into the kitchen for that first morning glass of water. It caused me to pick up my headset, clip on my cell phone and pick up my protector (which on the outside looks like a simple 3' walking stick stick but actually the handle pulls out to reveal a 12" shank that I not only know how to use, but will not hesitate to do so should someone intend to do me harm - what can I say? I don't like violence, but I AM walking around in the West End of Atlanta at 630am) . It propels me out the door, down the stairs, past that loud @$$ Sheba (Mr. Lomax's German Shepard who HATES me) and down the sidewalk where supposedly, I am delighted to be breathing in the half wet, hot, heavy morning air.
And what is the twenty pound question?
Well, I say to myself, "Self, what's more important to you? Another 60 minutes of sleep which will allow you to remain a fat ass with two tummies that crease when you sit down? or Getting your rear in gear and sticking with the 'get fineR' program that will get you to the flat abs and phat @$$ that you dream about?"
And of course the answer -
Flat abs...PHAT @$$! ! !
7.26.2005
Twenty Pounds
"I'm FAT." (Said like Adel Givens in Queens of Comedy)
Well, I'm not really that damned fat. And most people tell me that I don't look like I need to lose weight. (Stop being nice - I can see my fat ass tummies that I'm trying to cover up with loose fitting summer tops.) And when I tell them that I weigh nearly 200 pounds they say I must be lying (Trust - if I was going to lie about my weight, I would say that I weigh 145.)
I'm 5'10" tall and I weigh 197 pounds. Sometimes, I console myself that there are really fat people in the world who would KILL to lose weight to the size that I am now and think that they are every bit as fine as beyonce, halle, and jlo all rolled into one.
I actually like MOST of my body. I'm just carrying about twenty pounds that gives me two tummies and screw up my whole body image.
Twenty pounds that keep me from wearing the cute little summer styles that I want to wear. Twenty pounds that keep me from being able to comfortably shop in The Limited and Gap and Banana Republic (and have the clothes fit they way I want them to). But that have me about twenty pounds too small for me to shop in Lane Bryant and Ashley Stewart (and have the clothes fit properly). Twenty pounds that convince me that I am NOT as fine as beyonce, halle and jlo all rolled into one.
So, I'm doing something about it. I'm on my fourth straight day of morning walks. I've been walking about 2.5 miles in the morning. Sunday morning, I upped it to about four miles and then Sunday evening, I convinced my mom and two of my sisters to walk another three miles.
After the workouts, I do at least 30 crunches and 30 double leg lifts.
During the day when I'm sitting at work, I do chair workouts. Mostly arm raises and curls when an upbeat song that I really like comes on the radio. I'm doing ab squeezes and of course kegels (but those ain't got nothing to do with my weight).
I'm about to start walking in the evenings as well - just as the sun is setting - when you can at least breathe outside. (It's been so hot in Atlanta lately, Lucifer was at Five Points trading bottled water for souls, saw Jesus at Centennial playing in the water fountain and God himself was at Piedmont in a short set and some Blublockers.)
When I'm at home, I'm making it a point to do something physical while I'm watching television or talking on the phone. Like single and double leg lifts and more crunches.
And I'm okay with all of the activity. But the truth be told, if my money was right, I would just have the lipo that I got the consult for last year. Because really, I just want a flat tummy. I'll keep everything else.
But since I can lose twenty pounds for free, I'll try that first. I'll check back in to let you know how I'm doing and since I can't remember what my body looks like at 180, I'll let you know if I find it to be an acceptable body image.
Well, I'm not really that damned fat. And most people tell me that I don't look like I need to lose weight. (Stop being nice - I can see my fat ass tummies that I'm trying to cover up with loose fitting summer tops.) And when I tell them that I weigh nearly 200 pounds they say I must be lying (Trust - if I was going to lie about my weight, I would say that I weigh 145.)
I'm 5'10" tall and I weigh 197 pounds. Sometimes, I console myself that there are really fat people in the world who would KILL to lose weight to the size that I am now and think that they are every bit as fine as beyonce, halle, and jlo all rolled into one.
I actually like MOST of my body. I'm just carrying about twenty pounds that gives me two tummies and screw up my whole body image.
Twenty pounds that keep me from wearing the cute little summer styles that I want to wear. Twenty pounds that keep me from being able to comfortably shop in The Limited and Gap and Banana Republic (and have the clothes fit they way I want them to). But that have me about twenty pounds too small for me to shop in Lane Bryant and Ashley Stewart (and have the clothes fit properly). Twenty pounds that convince me that I am NOT as fine as beyonce, halle and jlo all rolled into one.
So, I'm doing something about it. I'm on my fourth straight day of morning walks. I've been walking about 2.5 miles in the morning. Sunday morning, I upped it to about four miles and then Sunday evening, I convinced my mom and two of my sisters to walk another three miles.
After the workouts, I do at least 30 crunches and 30 double leg lifts.
During the day when I'm sitting at work, I do chair workouts. Mostly arm raises and curls when an upbeat song that I really like comes on the radio. I'm doing ab squeezes and of course kegels (but those ain't got nothing to do with my weight).
I'm about to start walking in the evenings as well - just as the sun is setting - when you can at least breathe outside. (It's been so hot in Atlanta lately, Lucifer was at Five Points trading bottled water for souls, saw Jesus at Centennial playing in the water fountain and God himself was at Piedmont in a short set and some Blublockers.)
When I'm at home, I'm making it a point to do something physical while I'm watching television or talking on the phone. Like single and double leg lifts and more crunches.
And I'm okay with all of the activity. But the truth be told, if my money was right, I would just have the lipo that I got the consult for last year. Because really, I just want a flat tummy. I'll keep everything else.
But since I can lose twenty pounds for free, I'll try that first. I'll check back in to let you know how I'm doing and since I can't remember what my body looks like at 180, I'll let you know if I find it to be an acceptable body image.
7.20.2005
WARNING: Brain Leak
This post is one long rambling thought. Apologies prior to for subjecting you to this.
I went away for a while.
Hence my "Gone Fishing" sign.
I had to take a bit of time to do some inner searching. I needed to sit still and listen for the voice from the center part of me to see if I would be familiar with its sound when it whispered.
You see, in trying to find myself, I lost a part of who I was. Well, I didn't really lose it. More accurately, I tried to deny that it was there.
I'm sure you're wondering by now - what in DAHELL is this chick talking about?
I thought I'd found God. And from what they told me, the God I found would make me into this near perfect person and this God, in all his goodness, grace and mercy would turn me into this awesomely successful and wonderful individual who could withstand the trials of this world with little more than a bible, a prayer and a word.
Um, yeah...okay.
What I discovered in the last six months - I am not THAT good. And the life that they are preaching to me is easier preached than lived.
At one point, in my hypocritical self-righteousness, I would passionately proclaim that even though I knew that I could NEVER be perfect that I was GLAD to have a standard that I could attempt to live up to. Blind to the fact that living right consistently on the day in/day out is fucking impossible.
And I am pissed off. Why? Because I felt like I was sold a bullshit dream based on an unreal expectation of goodness and light dressed in a superhero costume slaying all vestiges of sin from my being.
Dunt-dunt-duuunnnn - SuperChristian to the rescue.
Now all I have to say is get away from me with that.
I am an imperfect being.
And I don't like facing my imperfections or admitting my sins. I try to go for months at a time and pretend that they don't exist. But I can't fool myself for very long, because just when I think I've got them tucked away in a little manageable corner of my existence, they jump out on me and scare the shit out of everybody I know.
For instance, I like to curse. I like it. Now, I don't mean that I curse like a sailor, but a well placed sh!t or a got-d@mn or a wtf? feels good, feels right, just feels like it fits.
Another example - Along with procrastinating, I am EXTRA good at starting sh!t and not finishing it. I could give many examples here - but once I got around to actually starting the list I would never be able to finish the list.
I'm a fornicator. For about six months, I was really trying not to be. But that mess don't work so well when you're a healthy sexually experienced and aware being. Besides, all that whole Tweet routine was NOT satisfying a sista'.
I have a mad lazy streak. Sometimes, I just don't want to do a damn thing, but sit on my arse, read or surf or daydream or just sleep. Trust me when I say I can sleep anytime, anyplace. Just give me about five minutes of inactivity and I could be dead to the world in the middle of a battlefield.
I'm still trying to figure out how God fits into all of this. I do still believe in Him and a LOT of what goes along with all that. I'm starting to realize that I let religion get in the way of my relationship and in doing that, I became someone that people who knew me didn't like. The saddest part about it - I didn't even realize it was happening.
Now, LanaC, when you get to reading this, don't get all worried about me and schedule an all night prayer vigil. I'm still on the right path. I'm just taking the time to consider all of who I am and find a way to walk this walk and still look in the mirror on a daily basis and know that I am living as well as I can but at the same time, being honest with myself and others about how far short I fall.
And trust, I fall WAAAAYYYY short.
I went away for a while.
Hence my "Gone Fishing" sign.
I had to take a bit of time to do some inner searching. I needed to sit still and listen for the voice from the center part of me to see if I would be familiar with its sound when it whispered.
You see, in trying to find myself, I lost a part of who I was. Well, I didn't really lose it. More accurately, I tried to deny that it was there.
I'm sure you're wondering by now - what in DAHELL is this chick talking about?
I thought I'd found God. And from what they told me, the God I found would make me into this near perfect person and this God, in all his goodness, grace and mercy would turn me into this awesomely successful and wonderful individual who could withstand the trials of this world with little more than a bible, a prayer and a word.
Um, yeah...okay.
What I discovered in the last six months - I am not THAT good. And the life that they are preaching to me is easier preached than lived.
At one point, in my hypocritical self-righteousness, I would passionately proclaim that even though I knew that I could NEVER be perfect that I was GLAD to have a standard that I could attempt to live up to. Blind to the fact that living right consistently on the day in/day out is fucking impossible.
And I am pissed off. Why? Because I felt like I was sold a bullshit dream based on an unreal expectation of goodness and light dressed in a superhero costume slaying all vestiges of sin from my being.
Dunt-dunt-duuunnnn - SuperChristian to the rescue.
Now all I have to say is get away from me with that.
I am an imperfect being.
And I don't like facing my imperfections or admitting my sins. I try to go for months at a time and pretend that they don't exist. But I can't fool myself for very long, because just when I think I've got them tucked away in a little manageable corner of my existence, they jump out on me and scare the shit out of everybody I know.
For instance, I like to curse. I like it. Now, I don't mean that I curse like a sailor, but a well placed sh!t or a got-d@mn or a wtf? feels good, feels right, just feels like it fits.
Another example - Along with procrastinating, I am EXTRA good at starting sh!t and not finishing it. I could give many examples here - but once I got around to actually starting the list I would never be able to finish the list.
I'm a fornicator. For about six months, I was really trying not to be. But that mess don't work so well when you're a healthy sexually experienced and aware being. Besides, all that whole Tweet routine was NOT satisfying a sista'.
I have a mad lazy streak. Sometimes, I just don't want to do a damn thing, but sit on my arse, read or surf or daydream or just sleep. Trust me when I say I can sleep anytime, anyplace. Just give me about five minutes of inactivity and I could be dead to the world in the middle of a battlefield.
I'm still trying to figure out how God fits into all of this. I do still believe in Him and a LOT of what goes along with all that. I'm starting to realize that I let religion get in the way of my relationship and in doing that, I became someone that people who knew me didn't like. The saddest part about it - I didn't even realize it was happening.
Now, LanaC, when you get to reading this, don't get all worried about me and schedule an all night prayer vigil. I'm still on the right path. I'm just taking the time to consider all of who I am and find a way to walk this walk and still look in the mirror on a daily basis and know that I am living as well as I can but at the same time, being honest with myself and others about how far short I fall.
And trust, I fall WAAAAYYYY short.
7.19.2005
coming attractions...
i am working on some new posts...
letter to my father...
soul food...
don't let me die...
an evening stroll...
right now...they are all half thoughts...that i am trying to get through to completion...thanks for checking in and bearing with...
feel free to post your guesses on the actual content of the coming attractions...
7.06.2005
7.01.2005
clarissa's catering company
what is it about these lyrics that irk some women i know?
in my opinion...this song is about totally loving a man to the point where all you want to do is spoil him...see to his needs...make sure that you are the best that you can be for him...
and exactly what is wrong with that?
i...for one...want to AND DO cater to my man...the problem with most relationships is that more often than not...females run into TANS (trifling @$$ knee-grows) who are not worth catering to or end up in situations where the special attention is not reciprocated in equal measure...
as a result...my sisters and sistafriends end up so jaded and cynical that when they hear lyrics such as these from beyonce and her backup singers, they are so emotionally (and sometimes financially) bankrupt that they cannot embrace these lyrics as the truest form of love...
and of course...the libra in me can acknowledge the flipside of the situation...the actions in this song smack of servitude...
but...what's so wrong with serving the man you love? isn't that a part of the submitting that you are supposed to do as a good wife?
keep in mind here that if you are loving and serving the right kind of man that he is loving and serving you too...maybe not in that exact same way...
but when my man gets up before daybreak to go out and earn a living to bring his paycheck home to momma..appreciates the good loving i give him and the good meals that i prepare...when he makes me feel safe and secure...when he prays for me...when he comes up behind me and takes me in his arms and whispers words of sweet love...when he comes home every night...when he's d*cking me down, making my toes curl and he's calling MY name...when i don't ever have to worry about the other woman OR the other man...when i know that at the end of a day...he's got my back like i've got his and that together there is no challenge in life that we can't overcome...
hell yeah...i'm gonna love him with every fiber of my being...
just call me clarissa the caterer...
in my opinion...this song is about totally loving a man to the point where all you want to do is spoil him...see to his needs...make sure that you are the best that you can be for him...
and exactly what is wrong with that?
i...for one...want to AND DO cater to my man...the problem with most relationships is that more often than not...females run into TANS (trifling @$$ knee-grows) who are not worth catering to or end up in situations where the special attention is not reciprocated in equal measure...
as a result...my sisters and sistafriends end up so jaded and cynical that when they hear lyrics such as these from beyonce and her backup singers, they are so emotionally (and sometimes financially) bankrupt that they cannot embrace these lyrics as the truest form of love...
and of course...the libra in me can acknowledge the flipside of the situation...the actions in this song smack of servitude...
but...what's so wrong with serving the man you love? isn't that a part of the submitting that you are supposed to do as a good wife?
keep in mind here that if you are loving and serving the right kind of man that he is loving and serving you too...maybe not in that exact same way...
but when my man gets up before daybreak to go out and earn a living to bring his paycheck home to momma..appreciates the good loving i give him and the good meals that i prepare...when he makes me feel safe and secure...when he prays for me...when he comes up behind me and takes me in his arms and whispers words of sweet love...when he comes home every night...when he's d*cking me down, making my toes curl and he's calling MY name...when i don't ever have to worry about the other woman OR the other man...when i know that at the end of a day...he's got my back like i've got his and that together there is no challenge in life that we can't overcome...
hell yeah...i'm gonna love him with every fiber of my being...
just call me clarissa the caterer...
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