what's on MY mind?
now we all know THAT is a dangerous @$$ question...
there is never any telling what type of material my grey matter will produce...
i'm sitting here listening to fantasia's cd...it was a krimma present from that chick who occupies love den #2 of the love shack just south of the city...am loving the song 'free yourself'...carries a very detailed message for someone i met recently...singing - if you don't want me, then don't talk to me...go ahead and free yourself...was tempted to call this particular individual and play that song for him...but alas...maturity and common sense ruled out...so...i changed my mind...
i'm about to be forced to spend 5 days with two sets of my parents in florida...can't say that i'm eagerly anticipating that...but it's whatever...sometimes...you have to do that family ish and it just can't be avoided...
i think my most pressing issue right now is the 40 pounds that i lost this year...never mind that i've lost the same 10 pounds 4 times...i have PROVED that i can successfully lose a significant amount of weight...that being said...i did do at least ONE of the things that i resolved to do this year...LOSE WEIGHT...
12.20.2004
12.17.2004
just add water...
It's not a secret. I'm not hiding the fact from ANYONE. I am quite upfront about it when I meet others. It's not something I'm desperate for. It's not something I'm on a day-in/day out search for. It is not something that I am trying to FORCE to happen...
I do not think it's MISSING from my life. More aptly, I believe it will ADD to what is already going on in my life. It is not what i NEED to make me happy, but it is expected to make me happiER.
What is this thing that I am referring to?
A relationship.
Now, I do not want a Just Add Water relationship. You know - an instant relationship - like instant mashed potatoes or instant coffee.
Packaging: Instant Relationship - here in this package you have everything that you could want in a relationship: sharing, caring, compassion, companionship, laughter, love and a lot of GREAT SEX!!!
Directions: Just Add Water
NOT!!!
I want to take my time getting to know someone. Becoming his friend. Learning his likes and dislikes. Getting to know his moods. Listening to his dreams AND his fears. Supporting his plans. Learning his personal history. Memorizing every line of his body. Internalizing the scent that belongs to him alone. Seeing how he treats not only his mother, but the other females in his life. Listening to him carry on about his hard day at work. Watching how he handles life's trials. Finding out how he thinks. Learning how to love him.
Eventually joining with him as he inspires me to climb to greater heights,
Realizing that it takes forever to build a forever kind of love,
And with whom I can come to intimately know joy unspeakable.
I do not think it's MISSING from my life. More aptly, I believe it will ADD to what is already going on in my life. It is not what i NEED to make me happy, but it is expected to make me happiER.
What is this thing that I am referring to?
A relationship.
Now, I do not want a Just Add Water relationship. You know - an instant relationship - like instant mashed potatoes or instant coffee.
Packaging: Instant Relationship - here in this package you have everything that you could want in a relationship: sharing, caring, compassion, companionship, laughter, love and a lot of GREAT SEX!!!
Directions: Just Add Water
NOT!!!
I want to take my time getting to know someone. Becoming his friend. Learning his likes and dislikes. Getting to know his moods. Listening to his dreams AND his fears. Supporting his plans. Learning his personal history. Memorizing every line of his body. Internalizing the scent that belongs to him alone. Seeing how he treats not only his mother, but the other females in his life. Listening to him carry on about his hard day at work. Watching how he handles life's trials. Finding out how he thinks. Learning how to love him.
Eventually joining with him as he inspires me to climb to greater heights,
Realizing that it takes forever to build a forever kind of love,
And with whom I can come to intimately know joy unspeakable.
12.16.2004
ALL year round
A friend and I were having an exchange a few days ago. We were talking about how the winter season makes most who are single wish more fervently for a lover to share their life with.
I know for a fact that on cold winter mornings there is nothing like body heat to keep you at just the right temp. It's the kind of warmth that you snuggle up to and refuse to get out of bed for. It makes you want to cuddle up tighter, burying your face in his neck, inhaling his man scent and causing in your most intimate place.
Right now, I don't have any body heat in my life. Of course, I have enough volunteers for short-term assignments that I could fully staff a temporary placement agency. But I'm not looking for short-term and I refuse to settle for meaningless temporary bits of physical nothing.
Yes - I want a winter time lover, but I want him to stay through the springtime when love is in the air and then be my midsummer's night dream and I want to fall in love all over again when autumn turns the leaves colors.
I know for a fact that on cold winter mornings there is nothing like body heat to keep you at just the right temp. It's the kind of warmth that you snuggle up to and refuse to get out of bed for. It makes you want to cuddle up tighter, burying your face in his neck, inhaling his man scent and causing in your most intimate place.
Right now, I don't have any body heat in my life. Of course, I have enough volunteers for short-term assignments that I could fully staff a temporary placement agency. But I'm not looking for short-term and I refuse to settle for meaningless temporary bits of physical nothing.
Yes - I want a winter time lover, but I want him to stay through the springtime when love is in the air and then be my midsummer's night dream and I want to fall in love all over again when autumn turns the leaves colors.
12.15.2004
house dating...(oh my...she's ranting!!!)
wanna come over?
can i come over?
no, dammit...i do not want to come to your house and you CANNOT come to mine...
i just met you...you have not invited me out for so much as an order of french fries and a dollar movie and you want to come to my house??? and that lame @$$ party at your boy's house does NOT count...
yep...you've lost it...certainly...and since you have my blog addy...let me go ahead and make this disclaimer...
don't take this personal...i'm not talking about JUST you...besides...we REALLY don't know each other...so ya' shouldn't get mad at me for being honest...
like i was saying...you are NOT the only one who's made the assumption that i want to sit inside with you and we just met...now...don't get me wrong...you do not have to take me to blue point or the atlanta grill at the ritz carlton downtown...i'm not trying to spend all of your money...but you could invite me out for coffee or appetizers or desserts or ice cream (in the summertime)...
guys don't know how to court women anymore...and it's shameful...
and i don't think i'm being too picky...but it could be why i'm single...i'm not settling...
and if the couch is the only place you want to take me...i don't wanna go...cause even if i DID let you come over...you are going to try to be all over me...with your tongue all down my throat...your hands on the SuperFriends...all the while trying to put your mouth on my clit...negro, chill with that ish...
so...for any potential suitor that runs across my blogspot...please pay attention...
Suggestions for Dates with Sea
1) Appetizers at Johnny Carino's...they have the BEST italian nachos...
2) Beignets at Huey's on Peachtree...taste JUST like the ones at cafe du monde...
3) Hot Chocolate at Cafe Intermezzo...the ambience in that place is so sophisticated...
4) Karaoke Night at Peppers...i can pretend like i'm tina turner...
5) Dessert at Cheesecake Factory...their banana cream cheesecake is to die for...
6) Dollar Movie in Fayetteville...and it's fifty cents on tuesday nights...
7) Walking in the park...Piedmont...Centennial...Grant...(summertime)...hell..bring a blanket...some sandwiches...impromptu picnic...read me some poetry while we sit under a tree and watch the children play...
8) Ice Cream at Brewster's or Dairy Queen...(summertime)
9) Just about ANY mexican place...their food is cheap as hell..and since i don't drink...
10) Apache on sunday nights...only costs 5 bucks to get in...
i mean...ain't nothin' wrong with a blockbuster night or a candlelit dinner at home or a ninetendo game night...but PLEASE...take a sister out on an inexpensive date or two...i promise...as we're getting to know each other that i'm not expecting dinner with an appetizer, a filet mignon AND dessert or tickets to the anthony hamilton set...(although...i won't turn it down...)
can i come over?
no, dammit...i do not want to come to your house and you CANNOT come to mine...
i just met you...you have not invited me out for so much as an order of french fries and a dollar movie and you want to come to my house??? and that lame @$$ party at your boy's house does NOT count...
yep...you've lost it...certainly...and since you have my blog addy...let me go ahead and make this disclaimer...
don't take this personal...i'm not talking about JUST you...besides...we REALLY don't know each other...so ya' shouldn't get mad at me for being honest...
like i was saying...you are NOT the only one who's made the assumption that i want to sit inside with you and we just met...now...don't get me wrong...you do not have to take me to blue point or the atlanta grill at the ritz carlton downtown...i'm not trying to spend all of your money...but you could invite me out for coffee or appetizers or desserts or ice cream (in the summertime)...
guys don't know how to court women anymore...and it's shameful...
and i don't think i'm being too picky...but it could be why i'm single...i'm not settling...
and if the couch is the only place you want to take me...i don't wanna go...cause even if i DID let you come over...you are going to try to be all over me...with your tongue all down my throat...your hands on the SuperFriends...all the while trying to put your mouth on my clit...negro, chill with that ish...
so...for any potential suitor that runs across my blogspot...please pay attention...
Suggestions for Dates with Sea
1) Appetizers at Johnny Carino's...they have the BEST italian nachos...
2) Beignets at Huey's on Peachtree...taste JUST like the ones at cafe du monde...
3) Hot Chocolate at Cafe Intermezzo...the ambience in that place is so sophisticated...
4) Karaoke Night at Peppers...i can pretend like i'm tina turner...
5) Dessert at Cheesecake Factory...their banana cream cheesecake is to die for...
6) Dollar Movie in Fayetteville...and it's fifty cents on tuesday nights...
7) Walking in the park...Piedmont...Centennial...Grant...(summertime)...hell..bring a blanket...some sandwiches...impromptu picnic...read me some poetry while we sit under a tree and watch the children play...
8) Ice Cream at Brewster's or Dairy Queen...(summertime)
9) Just about ANY mexican place...their food is cheap as hell..and since i don't drink...
10) Apache on sunday nights...only costs 5 bucks to get in...
i mean...ain't nothin' wrong with a blockbuster night or a candlelit dinner at home or a ninetendo game night...but PLEASE...take a sister out on an inexpensive date or two...i promise...as we're getting to know each other that i'm not expecting dinner with an appetizer, a filet mignon AND dessert or tickets to the anthony hamilton set...(although...i won't turn it down...)
YOU don't know ME well enough to know if you want to spend your money on me like that...
the same way that i don't know if i want YOU my personal space like that...
ya' feel me?
the same way that i don't know if i want YOU my personal space like that...
ya' feel me?
12.14.2004
six degrees...
of separation?
no...it's 6 degrees outside...or close to it...
woke up with a headache...taking a goody powder and going back to bed...
work?
damn 'em...i'm going in late...
no...it's 6 degrees outside...or close to it...
woke up with a headache...taking a goody powder and going back to bed...
work?
damn 'em...i'm going in late...
12.08.2004
thoughtless...you know...thought less...as in not a coherent thought anywhere near the cold dark empty space that my little people inhabit...
wise is standing here talking to me and nothing is coming...
she is so animated right now...i am totally enjoying living with wise...she is crunk all the time...but it's the end of the day...we just need to calm down and take it down a thousand...i think i come down a lot faster than she does...it's cool though...i'm going to get her into that aromatherapy...dim lights habit...we some brilliant mu'phuckas...
we were talking about the ED events for the weekend...just realized that Tu Tu Tango is like it takes TWO to Tango...absolutely effin brilliant...but alas...enough torturing with the bullhockey that runs around in my empty space...
i'm going to bed...i'm going to sleep...might love myself before i go to sleep...i like loving my myself...but i promise not to be too loud...could be pretty embarassing for wise...
and trust...this...is why i should not be blogging when i'm sleepy...
no telling what in the hell i'll say...
actually...now...i've got myself thinking...i needed some new batteries - did i get some?...
or perhaps, i could call a volunteer...
but really...i'm just going to sleep...
wise is standing here talking to me and nothing is coming...
she is so animated right now...i am totally enjoying living with wise...she is crunk all the time...but it's the end of the day...we just need to calm down and take it down a thousand...i think i come down a lot faster than she does...it's cool though...i'm going to get her into that aromatherapy...dim lights habit...we some brilliant mu'phuckas...
we were talking about the ED events for the weekend...just realized that Tu Tu Tango is like it takes TWO to Tango...absolutely effin brilliant...but alas...enough torturing with the bullhockey that runs around in my empty space...
i'm going to bed...i'm going to sleep...might love myself before i go to sleep...i like loving my myself...but i promise not to be too loud...could be pretty embarassing for wise...
and trust...this...is why i should not be blogging when i'm sleepy...
no telling what in the hell i'll say...
actually...now...i've got myself thinking...i needed some new batteries - did i get some?...
or perhaps, i could call a volunteer...
but really...i'm just going to sleep...
Never Apologize
My girl, Mia, has a blog on the AJC's website -
This morning she posted a list of things you should never apologize for. I took it upon myself to post some random thoughts on her site about things that I felt should be added to the list. I liked the list so much, I decided to bring it here.
Made a list.
Wanna hear it?
Hear it goes:
1. Never apologize for relaxing into your natural speech patterns around your friends and family. Who are you trying to impress? Be yourself.
2. Never apologize for self-promotion. Sometimes, it’s the only way you’ll get ahead.
3. Never apologize for being single and childless. There’s more to life than getting married and having babies.
4. Never apologize for telling a person the truth about your attraction or lack thereof. If it’s not a love connection, it’s not a love connection. You don’t have to be mean about it, but you don’t have to be too nice just to be too nice.
5. Never apologize for not wanting to be around one of your friends’ friends that you do not care for. Can’t like everybody
6. Never apologize for letting people out of your life. Some people never meant you good anyway.
7. Never apologize for wanting to be number one. It’s WAY better than being number two.
8. Sometimes, it’s okay to not want to be the bigger person. H#ll, we’re not perfect. We’re allowed to have character flaws.
9. Never apologize for having multiple personalities. There is nothing wrong with being multi-faceted. (Position taken prior to professional counseling.)
10. Never apologize for being crazy. It’s okay as long as you’re not insane.
11. Never apologize for never apologizing. Sure, it will make you a lonely, friendless @$$hole that no one cares to be around. But hey, it’s your choice.
This morning she posted a list of things you should never apologize for. I took it upon myself to post some random thoughts on her site about things that I felt should be added to the list. I liked the list so much, I decided to bring it here.
Made a list.
Wanna hear it?
Hear it goes:
1. Never apologize for relaxing into your natural speech patterns around your friends and family. Who are you trying to impress? Be yourself.
2. Never apologize for self-promotion. Sometimes, it’s the only way you’ll get ahead.
3. Never apologize for being single and childless. There’s more to life than getting married and having babies.
4. Never apologize for telling a person the truth about your attraction or lack thereof. If it’s not a love connection, it’s not a love connection. You don’t have to be mean about it, but you don’t have to be too nice just to be too nice.
5. Never apologize for not wanting to be around one of your friends’ friends that you do not care for. Can’t like everybody
6. Never apologize for letting people out of your life. Some people never meant you good anyway.
7. Never apologize for wanting to be number one. It’s WAY better than being number two.
8. Sometimes, it’s okay to not want to be the bigger person. H#ll, we’re not perfect. We’re allowed to have character flaws.
9. Never apologize for having multiple personalities. There is nothing wrong with being multi-faceted. (Position taken prior to professional counseling.)
10. Never apologize for being crazy. It’s okay as long as you’re not insane.
11. Never apologize for never apologizing. Sure, it will make you a lonely, friendless @$$hole that no one cares to be around. But hey, it’s your choice.
12.06.2004
436am
don't ask...
i just am...
weekend recap...lunch on saturday with caddy guy was nice...however...i will be terminating contact with him...CLINGY...
saturday night, i was on the way home and he and i were talking...he asked me to give him a call once i got home...well...on the way home...i decided to go by my parents' house to spend some time with my mom...she was in the states this weekend, but will be going back to Korea this morning...
i didn't actually go home for another hour and a half...had left my phone downstairs while i was with my parents...came back downstairs...looked at my phone...that nut had called me 7 times in 90 minutes...
THAT is an unsettling feeling...plus already...he is TOO worried about other people i see and how i spend my time...after ONE date...damn that...
i'm not about to enter into a relationship with someone who puts up those kinds of red flags after ONE MID-DAY LUNCH...
oh..as to big negro...he was a no call/no show...i think i punked him out when i told him that i was going to bring a tape measure to see if he was lying about his dick size...
i just am...
weekend recap...lunch on saturday with caddy guy was nice...however...i will be terminating contact with him...CLINGY...
saturday night, i was on the way home and he and i were talking...he asked me to give him a call once i got home...well...on the way home...i decided to go by my parents' house to spend some time with my mom...she was in the states this weekend, but will be going back to Korea this morning...
i didn't actually go home for another hour and a half...had left my phone downstairs while i was with my parents...came back downstairs...looked at my phone...that nut had called me 7 times in 90 minutes...
THAT is an unsettling feeling...plus already...he is TOO worried about other people i see and how i spend my time...after ONE date...damn that...
i'm not about to enter into a relationship with someone who puts up those kinds of red flags after ONE MID-DAY LUNCH...
oh..as to big negro...he was a no call/no show...i think i punked him out when i told him that i was going to bring a tape measure to see if he was lying about his dick size...
12.04.2004
love jones...
that shit's played out like an 8 track.
when that jones come down
it comes down like a muthafucka.
this is a destiny type thing, baby.
whatcha wanna do?
you only get two. . .
love is what you make
and who you make it with.
love,
passion,
it is,
what it is.
you always want what you want,
when you want it. . . .
let me tell you something...
this here, right now,
is all that matters to me.
i love you.
and that's urgent like a muthafucka.
12.02.2004
819 a.m.
I am DEFINITELY going to be late for work today. I should have been en route an hour ago. Oh well, can't be on time EVERY day. Besides timeliness is NOT one of my virtues which is REALLY horrible because i actually consider tardiness to be disrespectful of others' time. So, I should ENDEAVOR to increase my own on-time percentages.
I just got out of the shower and I am still wearing the infamous red robe. I'm sitting at my desk looking out of my window. It's obviously quite cold out there. There is frost on the ground this morning.
As I look a little farther up the street, um, can somebody tell me WHY at eight nineteen in the morning there are two teenagers at the bus stop in front of my house making out - in broad DAMN daylight?
but the bigger question is - WHY does that make ME feel old?
I just got out of the shower and I am still wearing the infamous red robe. I'm sitting at my desk looking out of my window. It's obviously quite cold out there. There is frost on the ground this morning.
As I look a little farther up the street, um, can somebody tell me WHY at eight nineteen in the morning there are two teenagers at the bus stop in front of my house making out - in broad DAMN daylight?
but the bigger question is - WHY does that make ME feel old?
12.01.2004
negative ain't positive....
was in walmart yesterday morning...trying to buy THAT DAMN DOG some food...somebody tell me why my debit didn't go through?...
at first...i thought it was because of the recent change in my PIN...still not to certain of the numbers...well...upon asking the clerk to run it as a credit card...it STILL came up declined...
so...with much indignation...i whipped out my cell phone to call my bank...(i KNOW i've got AT LEAST a thousand dollars in that account...)
can you picture the look of embarassment on my face when they told me that my account was overdrawn $60?...negative $60...i almost passed out...
totally all my fault, though...my mortgage check bounced last month...don't ask why....that's a-whole-nother oprah AND a lesson in a sista-just-trying-to-make-ends-meet economics...so...this month...i paid two months at one time...so...why did my mortgage company re-deposit the first check?....
okay...so...again...let the cursing begin....rackum, mackum, smackum, filth, flam, flarth and so on...
talk about something that can totally screw up ya' day...
but all is good...crisis resolved...ready for the next adventure AND the next episode of DRAMA IN AN EVERYDAY LIFE....
at first...i thought it was because of the recent change in my PIN...still not to certain of the numbers...well...upon asking the clerk to run it as a credit card...it STILL came up declined...
so...with much indignation...i whipped out my cell phone to call my bank...(i KNOW i've got AT LEAST a thousand dollars in that account...)
can you picture the look of embarassment on my face when they told me that my account was overdrawn $60?...negative $60...i almost passed out...
totally all my fault, though...my mortgage check bounced last month...don't ask why....that's a-whole-nother oprah AND a lesson in a sista-just-trying-to-make-ends-meet economics...so...this month...i paid two months at one time...so...why did my mortgage company re-deposit the first check?....
okay...so...again...let the cursing begin....rackum, mackum, smackum, filth, flam, flarth and so on...
talk about something that can totally screw up ya' day...
but all is good...crisis resolved...ready for the next adventure AND the next episode of DRAMA IN AN EVERYDAY LIFE....
11.28.2004
fear of a fat planet...
i am a member of black planet...have been for several years...although for a good portion of those years...the planet never even crossed my mind...it's only been in the last week...the last five days in fact...that i've had pictures up on my site...in that time...short time...i have received more notes from other members on each day than i have in the entire time that i have been on the planet...
unfortunately...due to my tendency to be honest and candid...i've already had my run-in with an idiot...wrote a post about...wanna hear it?...hear it goes...
i was online late last night...minding my own damn business when i get a note from...well...let's call him atlFATboy (i'm changing the name to protect the idiot)...in fact...let me post this exchange...
From: atlFATboy
Date: Nov.28.2004 - 01:54
what's going on tonight?
**********
so...as you often do when you get a note...you check out that person's profile...see if they have an interesting page and if they post pictures, what they look like...here's the pic from o'boy's page...
after doing so, i responded...
From: me
Date: Nov.28.2004 - 02:02
greetings...was out and about earlier...haven't been home too long...getting ready to call it a night...
but...i had to get my blackplanet fix before i turned in...
thanks for reaching out and showing me some of that blackplanet kind of love...
i checked out your page...look atcha...representing for the big boys...do ya' thang then...
miracles and blessings...
sea...
**********
which i thought was a nice response...
minutes later...i get the following reply...
From: atlFATboy
Date: Nov.28.2004 - 02:07
come over and give me a massage
**********
From: me
Date: Nov.28.2004 - 02:13
you have GOT to be joking...so...i am laughing OUT LOUD...
have you tried that before and people responded?...i mean regular women...not the pay by the hour type?...
i think i am offended...
i am not on the planet LOOKING for love or a hookup...this is for entertainment purposes only...if i meet someone nice so be it...
but for those that come at me wrong...they get a healthy dose of brutal honesty quickly...
so...here goes...
what in DAHELL makes you think i would leave my house at 210a.m. to come a give a complete stranger a massage?...nicca...i don't know you...i would have to be stupid, desperate or insane to even entertain that suggestion...
and besides...fat boys...not my style...in fact...a definite no-go...
so...the next time you think about disrespecting someone in that fashion...check that ish, nicca...for real...
**********
i think i made him mad...
From: atlFATboy
Date: Nov.28.2004 - 02:30
I see why you are single - you talk too much. It 2:27 a.m. and you are online writing a story about how you feel.
Nobody don't want to hear that.
I see you're truly lost....lol
**********
my final response to the fatboy...
From: me
Date: Nov 28, 2004
and you're online at 230a looking for someone to massage your fat ass back...and what?
i am single because i can articulate well and am not afraid to express the truth as i see from my window on the world?..methinks it's the truth you don't want to hear, fat boy...
i started out trying to show you some respect...you disrespected me by making an inappropriate suggestion...
not sure what kind of other women you have met on line...but i ain't it...
but enough of this...feel free to block me...i'm done with it...
trying to find my way...hoping i can find a way to stop talking...
but....
it's...
just...
so...
hard....
**********
once again proving that you should not enter into a battle of wits with an idiot...they will hold you down and beat you senseless with their stupidity...
but it's cool...i will continue to explore the planet...may the force be with me...
unfortunately...due to my tendency to be honest and candid...i've already had my run-in with an idiot...wrote a post about...wanna hear it?...hear it goes...
i was online late last night...minding my own damn business when i get a note from...well...let's call him atlFATboy (i'm changing the name to protect the idiot)...in fact...let me post this exchange...
From: atlFATboy
Date: Nov.28.2004 - 01:54
what's going on tonight?
**********
so...as you often do when you get a note...you check out that person's profile...see if they have an interesting page and if they post pictures, what they look like...here's the pic from o'boy's page...
after doing so, i responded...
From: me
Date: Nov.28.2004 - 02:02
greetings...was out and about earlier...haven't been home too long...getting ready to call it a night...
but...i had to get my blackplanet fix before i turned in...
thanks for reaching out and showing me some of that blackplanet kind of love...
i checked out your page...look atcha...representing for the big boys...do ya' thang then...
miracles and blessings...
sea...
**********
which i thought was a nice response...
minutes later...i get the following reply...
From: atlFATboy
Date: Nov.28.2004 - 02:07
come over and give me a massage
**********
From: me
Date: Nov.28.2004 - 02:13
you have GOT to be joking...so...i am laughing OUT LOUD...
have you tried that before and people responded?...i mean regular women...not the pay by the hour type?...
i think i am offended...
i am not on the planet LOOKING for love or a hookup...this is for entertainment purposes only...if i meet someone nice so be it...
but for those that come at me wrong...they get a healthy dose of brutal honesty quickly...
so...here goes...
what in DAHELL makes you think i would leave my house at 210a.m. to come a give a complete stranger a massage?...nicca...i don't know you...i would have to be stupid, desperate or insane to even entertain that suggestion...
and besides...fat boys...not my style...in fact...a definite no-go...
so...the next time you think about disrespecting someone in that fashion...check that ish, nicca...for real...
**********
i think i made him mad...
From: atlFATboy
Date: Nov.28.2004 - 02:30
I see why you are single - you talk too much. It 2:27 a.m. and you are online writing a story about how you feel.
Nobody don't want to hear that.
I see you're truly lost....lol
**********
my final response to the fatboy...
From: me
Date: Nov 28, 2004
and you're online at 230a looking for someone to massage your fat ass back...and what?
i am single because i can articulate well and am not afraid to express the truth as i see from my window on the world?..methinks it's the truth you don't want to hear, fat boy...
i started out trying to show you some respect...you disrespected me by making an inappropriate suggestion...
not sure what kind of other women you have met on line...but i ain't it...
but enough of this...feel free to block me...i'm done with it...
trying to find my way...hoping i can find a way to stop talking...
but....
it's...
just...
so...
hard....
**********
once again proving that you should not enter into a battle of wits with an idiot...they will hold you down and beat you senseless with their stupidity...
but it's cool...i will continue to explore the planet...may the force be with me...
11.26.2004
skies are still blu...
you know...i went away for a while...now that i'm back...i realize that i haven't posted an update about what is going on with that thing that was happening between blu and me...
blu and i are friends...and that's what i am calling it...and that's where i'm leaving it...
nothing has happened to really change what our friendship was...and that's exactly what changed our friendship...
long distances...hard to overcome...we haven't really been in contact for the last two months...and for me...there is no anger attached...it just is what it is...
truth is...we didn't have enough of a foundation...did not have enough time to generate the type of bond that lasts through the stresses of an everyday life when you are miles and miles apart...
still i am wishing him the best...praying his successful journey...believing in the realization of all of the potential that lies within him and realizing that friendship is still love...and...that my skies are still blu...
blu and i are friends...and that's what i am calling it...and that's where i'm leaving it...
nothing has happened to really change what our friendship was...and that's exactly what changed our friendship...
long distances...hard to overcome...we haven't really been in contact for the last two months...and for me...there is no anger attached...it just is what it is...
truth is...we didn't have enough of a foundation...did not have enough time to generate the type of bond that lasts through the stresses of an everyday life when you are miles and miles apart...
still i am wishing him the best...praying his successful journey...believing in the realization of all of the potential that lies within him and realizing that friendship is still love...and...that my skies are still blu...
11.25.2004
forever...i am thankful...
greetings to all on this day that we are to be thankful...and love to all who show me love...
this morning i rose...and i am thankful...
in full possession of what i call common sense...and i am thankful...
with a roof over my head...
and a vehicle parked in my garage...
and i am thankful...
generating income and interest...and i am thankful...
surrounded by the love of family...
blessed by the company of good friends...
and i am thankful...
HIS mercies are new every morning...and i am thankful...
blessed beyond measure...staring in the face of happiness...knowing that joy is just around the corner...
forever...i am thankful...
this morning i rose...and i am thankful...
in full possession of what i call common sense...and i am thankful...
with a roof over my head...
and a vehicle parked in my garage...
and i am thankful...
generating income and interest...and i am thankful...
surrounded by the love of family...
blessed by the company of good friends...
and i am thankful...
HIS mercies are new every morning...and i am thankful...
blessed beyond measure...staring in the face of happiness...knowing that joy is just around the corner...
forever...i am thankful...
11.23.2004
good samaritan...
i helped this lady today...it made me feel good...it gave me a new perspective on the day that i was having...and being able to be there for someone in a time of trouble...made my day brighter...i was glad that i could be of service...
to that point...my day had been PRETTY BAD...this morning...i had to go to see my probation officer...yes, i said probation officer...as it happened, last week...i had traffic court...after presenting what i felt like was a compelling case, especially given the officer's clear inability to remember any of the details of the traffic stop...i was found guilty...because i did not have $175 on me that day...i was placed on probation until the amount could be paid in full...now...i was offered a payment plan...i could remain on probation and pay the $175 off over a period of six months...$35 per month...however...there would have also been a $39 monthly probation fee...thereby causing me to pay $444 for a $175 fine...which i NEVER should have been paying in the first place...yeah, right...
well...knowing that i would need to leave work to go pay the fine...i was driving in to work and it occurred to me that i would need to check to make certain that i had the paperwork with the directions and the amount that i would need to pay to clear my records...but alas...the paperwork was not in the car...SO....i had to turn around and go back to the house to locate the paperwork...
15 minutes of frantic searching later...i am again headed out into the cold and rainy day...but first...i have to stop and purchase a money order because probation cannot be paid in cash...so...i stop at my friendly neighborhood kroger and walk in to find the slowest line in the history of grocery store customer service department lines ever...
15 minutes after that...i am enroute to the probation office...as i approach the lakewood intersection...some idIot...who does not know how to drive in the rain, apparently has not been taught the use of a turn signal and obviously has no clue as to where he is going...cuts me off...causing me to swerve into the next lane, nearly running a car into the median...
here is where the cursing begins...wanna hear it?...here it goes....rackum, mackum, smackum...flilth, flam, flarth....and so on...
the directions to the probation office were very clear and my time in the office was quite uneventful...although...i do need to call back and find out why my receipt does not show a zero balance...
now finally...i can head to the office...so...i'm merging from 20 east onto the connector northbound when traffic comes to a dead stop...if i had not been able to steer onto the shoulder...the front end of my explorer would be forever a part of the work van that was in front of me...
so...i'm shaking and trying to steady my breathing and i'm saying...okay, god...that was two this morning...can i please get to work without the third strike?...
five minutes later...just two short miles of the office...i come around the curve of buford highway to find this silver mercedes parked in the far right expansion lane...as i am passing...i notice a woman with her head on the airbag of a totalled and smoking silver benz...it is without doubt that she'd just stopped spinning...
i pulled to the shoulder...backed up...i said a quick prayer...okay, god...please don't let me be one of those people who stop to help but end up dead on the side of the road...just at the time that i was getting to her...she got out of the car appearing to be dizzy...as she was too close to the oncoming traffic lanes...i led her to my truck...went back to her car...turned the car off, taking the keys out of the ignition and i removed her purse from the vehicle...
after giving her the purse, i called 911 and gave them directions to our location...she did have some injuries...her collarbone may be broken...she was definitely bruised on her right hand and was limping...i made her sit in my truck until the ambulance got there...two other females stopped...not a single man...shameful...it was good though that the ambulance and fire response time was less than five minutes...after they got there...they told us that since it was a single car incident that we didn't have to stay...besides...911 already has my contact information if they need me...
i tell you...god's timing is amazing...if i had come around that corner 15 seconds earlier...she probably would have spun right into me...
his mercies are new every morning...and i am thankful that he has mercy on me...
okay...didn't mean to get all juanita bynum on you...but you know...
to that point...my day had been PRETTY BAD...this morning...i had to go to see my probation officer...yes, i said probation officer...as it happened, last week...i had traffic court...after presenting what i felt like was a compelling case, especially given the officer's clear inability to remember any of the details of the traffic stop...i was found guilty...because i did not have $175 on me that day...i was placed on probation until the amount could be paid in full...now...i was offered a payment plan...i could remain on probation and pay the $175 off over a period of six months...$35 per month...however...there would have also been a $39 monthly probation fee...thereby causing me to pay $444 for a $175 fine...which i NEVER should have been paying in the first place...yeah, right...
well...knowing that i would need to leave work to go pay the fine...i was driving in to work and it occurred to me that i would need to check to make certain that i had the paperwork with the directions and the amount that i would need to pay to clear my records...but alas...the paperwork was not in the car...SO....i had to turn around and go back to the house to locate the paperwork...
15 minutes of frantic searching later...i am again headed out into the cold and rainy day...but first...i have to stop and purchase a money order because probation cannot be paid in cash...so...i stop at my friendly neighborhood kroger and walk in to find the slowest line in the history of grocery store customer service department lines ever...
15 minutes after that...i am enroute to the probation office...as i approach the lakewood intersection...some idIot...who does not know how to drive in the rain, apparently has not been taught the use of a turn signal and obviously has no clue as to where he is going...cuts me off...causing me to swerve into the next lane, nearly running a car into the median...
here is where the cursing begins...wanna hear it?...here it goes....rackum, mackum, smackum...flilth, flam, flarth....and so on...
the directions to the probation office were very clear and my time in the office was quite uneventful...although...i do need to call back and find out why my receipt does not show a zero balance...
now finally...i can head to the office...so...i'm merging from 20 east onto the connector northbound when traffic comes to a dead stop...if i had not been able to steer onto the shoulder...the front end of my explorer would be forever a part of the work van that was in front of me...
so...i'm shaking and trying to steady my breathing and i'm saying...okay, god...that was two this morning...can i please get to work without the third strike?...
five minutes later...just two short miles of the office...i come around the curve of buford highway to find this silver mercedes parked in the far right expansion lane...as i am passing...i notice a woman with her head on the airbag of a totalled and smoking silver benz...it is without doubt that she'd just stopped spinning...
i pulled to the shoulder...backed up...i said a quick prayer...okay, god...please don't let me be one of those people who stop to help but end up dead on the side of the road...just at the time that i was getting to her...she got out of the car appearing to be dizzy...as she was too close to the oncoming traffic lanes...i led her to my truck...went back to her car...turned the car off, taking the keys out of the ignition and i removed her purse from the vehicle...
after giving her the purse, i called 911 and gave them directions to our location...she did have some injuries...her collarbone may be broken...she was definitely bruised on her right hand and was limping...i made her sit in my truck until the ambulance got there...two other females stopped...not a single man...shameful...it was good though that the ambulance and fire response time was less than five minutes...after they got there...they told us that since it was a single car incident that we didn't have to stay...besides...911 already has my contact information if they need me...
i tell you...god's timing is amazing...if i had come around that corner 15 seconds earlier...she probably would have spun right into me...
his mercies are new every morning...and i am thankful that he has mercy on me...
okay...didn't mean to get all juanita bynum on you...but you know...
9.17.2004
exes....
in the last week...three of my exes have called me...straight out of the blu...
what is it? can they just sense my happiness and satisfaction with my life or what?
i have not talked to my ex-husband in more than two years and before that hadn't talked to him in three years. my question to him....what in DAHELL are you calling ME for?...he just wanted to hear a friendly voice...
then...the knucklehead that i spent $2,000 visiting in KOREA (of all the godforsaken places on earth)...calls me and is like...i want to come visit you in atlanta...i've been thinking about you and missing you and just want to see you...my response...whatevuh, nigga (and i don't even LIKE that word)....
lastly...my most recent ex...calls to tell me that he REALLY wants to see me...that regardless of what i think that he doesn't have a "rotation" and that he's really been thinking about me and oh, by the way...can i make about six copies of a 60 page document for him?...my reply...beat it, bozo...well, not quite in those words...but i think he got the hint...
negroes...STAY DAFUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!!!
can't you feel me knowing that i don't need you in my life anymore?
don't you realize that when you walked away from me that i would cease to need you?
does it occur to you that you no longer occupy space in my thoughts and that i no longer give you any energy because you're not worth it?
why do you take my forgiving nature for a sign that i would even consider allowing you in my life?
should i act like a bitter bitch when you call me to make you realize that your lame attempt at flirting is a waste of your breath and my life?
can't we just CALL it friends and LEAVE it at that?
we don't have do really BE friends, do we?
what is it? can they just sense my happiness and satisfaction with my life or what?
i have not talked to my ex-husband in more than two years and before that hadn't talked to him in three years. my question to him....what in DAHELL are you calling ME for?...he just wanted to hear a friendly voice...
then...the knucklehead that i spent $2,000 visiting in KOREA (of all the godforsaken places on earth)...calls me and is like...i want to come visit you in atlanta...i've been thinking about you and missing you and just want to see you...my response...whatevuh, nigga (and i don't even LIKE that word)....
lastly...my most recent ex...calls to tell me that he REALLY wants to see me...that regardless of what i think that he doesn't have a "rotation" and that he's really been thinking about me and oh, by the way...can i make about six copies of a 60 page document for him?...my reply...beat it, bozo...well, not quite in those words...but i think he got the hint...
negroes...STAY DAFUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!!!
can't you feel me knowing that i don't need you in my life anymore?
don't you realize that when you walked away from me that i would cease to need you?
does it occur to you that you no longer occupy space in my thoughts and that i no longer give you any energy because you're not worth it?
why do you take my forgiving nature for a sign that i would even consider allowing you in my life?
should i act like a bitter bitch when you call me to make you realize that your lame attempt at flirting is a waste of your breath and my life?
can't we just CALL it friends and LEAVE it at that?
we don't have do really BE friends, do we?
9.14.2004
what i don't want...
i don't want to be...
cheated on...
abused physically, mentally or sexually...
taken for granted...
disrespected...
excluded from major decisions...
lied to....
left alone...
smothered...
wonder about your feelings for me...
excluded from your life...
kept away from your friends and family...
have my confidence to be seen as an attack on your manhood...
sexually unfulfilled...
i don't want to feel like...
i can't depend on you....
i can't trust you...
i have to choose between you and my friends....
i want to be...
needed...
shown love unconditionally...
spoiled...
communicated with...
praised on my good qualities...
gently criticized on my bad...
comfortable being just little ol' me when i am with you, no bullshit, no pretenses....
i want you to meet me where i am...
cheated on...
abused physically, mentally or sexually...
taken for granted...
disrespected...
excluded from major decisions...
lied to....
left alone...
smothered...
wonder about your feelings for me...
excluded from your life...
kept away from your friends and family...
have my confidence to be seen as an attack on your manhood...
sexually unfulfilled...
i don't want to feel like...
i can't depend on you....
i can't trust you...
i have to choose between you and my friends....
i want to be...
needed...
shown love unconditionally...
spoiled...
communicated with...
praised on my good qualities...
gently criticized on my bad...
comfortable being just little ol' me when i am with you, no bullshit, no pretenses....
i want you to meet me where i am...
9.13.2004
just rambling...
life is good...in fact, life is great!!!
i have little to complain about right now...i am thankful to god that i walk in his favor...i am grateful that he is merciful and full of grace...he knows that i REALLY need that...
i'm still not feeling my mother and my brother from the stress THEIR issues were causing in MY life last week...so...i'm giving them a WIDE berth this week and probably next week too....family...i tell ya....
blu and i doing wonderfully....he is the most exciting person...i'm not sure where we will end up...but i know that he and i will always be great friends because he has a beautiful spirit....
work is fine...boring...but fine...actually, with what they pay me, boring is good...make a lotta money to do very little...god REALLY is good...
i'm in awe of him....really...
i'ma kill THAT DAMN DOG...he's taken up a habit of leaving me gifts on my living room carpet...but then...i have to take some of the responsibility...i'm trying to change his eating schedule...i'll give him a few weeks before he becomes a homeless dog...
enough rambling...let me do some of what they pay me to do...
i have little to complain about right now...i am thankful to god that i walk in his favor...i am grateful that he is merciful and full of grace...he knows that i REALLY need that...
i'm still not feeling my mother and my brother from the stress THEIR issues were causing in MY life last week...so...i'm giving them a WIDE berth this week and probably next week too....family...i tell ya....
blu and i doing wonderfully....he is the most exciting person...i'm not sure where we will end up...but i know that he and i will always be great friends because he has a beautiful spirit....
work is fine...boring...but fine...actually, with what they pay me, boring is good...make a lotta money to do very little...god REALLY is good...
i'm in awe of him....really...
i'ma kill THAT DAMN DOG...he's taken up a habit of leaving me gifts on my living room carpet...but then...i have to take some of the responsibility...i'm trying to change his eating schedule...i'll give him a few weeks before he becomes a homeless dog...
enough rambling...let me do some of what they pay me to do...
9.10.2004
welcome back...
in the words of pastor/rapper mason bethea....
welcome back...
welcome back...
welcome back...
and for those of you never left...thanks for coming again...
it's 6:00a.m. and i am sitting in my office at the computer wearing the red robe that matches the decor in my bedroom and a black bandana while sipping a zero calorie fruit-2-oh and trying to come alive and shake the sleep from my eyes...wondering what in DAHELL am i going to talk to you guys about this morning...but since i ramble so well...i figured that i would just close my eyes and type whatever conversations the little people in my head are having this morning...
so...i'm sitting here thinking about what i am going to do today...what i am going to do this weekend...am i really going to finish my laundry this weekend?...or will monday morning find me with renewed resolve to do a load a day until it's done?...need to get my truck washed...i'm having lunch with someone i've come to know rather well...looking forward to that...NEED to get to church on sunday...and THAT DAMN DOG really needs to be taken to be groomed...
i'm also sitting here giving some thought to my life's concerns...my family, my bills and my budget, the maintenance my truck needs and a few other things i'm juggling...
but...wait...that's ALL of those topics are way TOO heavy for a friday morning...so i am going to head all THAT off at the pass...thinking only happy thoughts...ESPECIALLY since as shug decrees that friday's are by damn we'll be happy day...
so...let's be happy...besides...you really do control your attitude...
welcome back...
welcome back...
welcome back...
and for those of you never left...thanks for coming again...
it's 6:00a.m. and i am sitting in my office at the computer wearing the red robe that matches the decor in my bedroom and a black bandana while sipping a zero calorie fruit-2-oh and trying to come alive and shake the sleep from my eyes...wondering what in DAHELL am i going to talk to you guys about this morning...but since i ramble so well...i figured that i would just close my eyes and type whatever conversations the little people in my head are having this morning...
so...i'm sitting here thinking about what i am going to do today...what i am going to do this weekend...am i really going to finish my laundry this weekend?...or will monday morning find me with renewed resolve to do a load a day until it's done?...need to get my truck washed...i'm having lunch with someone i've come to know rather well...looking forward to that...NEED to get to church on sunday...and THAT DAMN DOG really needs to be taken to be groomed...
i'm also sitting here giving some thought to my life's concerns...my family, my bills and my budget, the maintenance my truck needs and a few other things i'm juggling...
but...wait...that's ALL of those topics are way TOO heavy for a friday morning...so i am going to head all THAT off at the pass...thinking only happy thoughts...ESPECIALLY since as shug decrees that friday's are by damn we'll be happy day...
so...let's be happy...besides...you really do control your attitude...
9.02.2004
peace...be still
it seems as if i live a life of constant motion...always moving...always something to do...somewhere to be...somebody to follow up with...a bill to pay...a meeting to attend...laundry to do...yard to mow...and on and on and on...i often feel like i am so caught up in life...that i am not living...
i recently participated in a women's forum...one of the topics that came out of the discussion is that we are so busy trying to simply survive that we often cannot grow spiritually...not b/c we are not a spiritual people...but...b/c we don't have adequate time to focus on spiritual things...
u'v all seen the email that a busy life is the trick of the enemy...i am tired of living life on fast forward....while all the time...feeling like i am running in place...
i feel like i am busy going thru the motions...i want to get busy living...
what would i do if my day to day survival did not depend on me staying in bed until the last minute...jumping up to rush out into the rush hour and work someone else's J-O-B...that keeps me Just Over Broke?..how would i re-define success if all things financial were taken out of the equation?..
for the longest time...i used to say that i just wanted to be happy...now i know that what i truly seek is joy on a daily basis...happiness can be empty...it can be shallow...it can be fleeting...joy consumes u...i want live a life filled w/ joy...i want to find time in my life to just stand still...to just be...where i can connect w/ my inner self...hear from my creator...and exist at that place called there...
but right now...i gotta get dressed and take my ass to the office...
i recently participated in a women's forum...one of the topics that came out of the discussion is that we are so busy trying to simply survive that we often cannot grow spiritually...not b/c we are not a spiritual people...but...b/c we don't have adequate time to focus on spiritual things...
u'v all seen the email that a busy life is the trick of the enemy...i am tired of living life on fast forward....while all the time...feeling like i am running in place...
i feel like i am busy going thru the motions...i want to get busy living...
what would i do if my day to day survival did not depend on me staying in bed until the last minute...jumping up to rush out into the rush hour and work someone else's J-O-B...that keeps me Just Over Broke?..how would i re-define success if all things financial were taken out of the equation?..
for the longest time...i used to say that i just wanted to be happy...now i know that what i truly seek is joy on a daily basis...happiness can be empty...it can be shallow...it can be fleeting...joy consumes u...i want live a life filled w/ joy...i want to find time in my life to just stand still...to just be...where i can connect w/ my inner self...hear from my creator...and exist at that place called there...
but right now...i gotta get dressed and take my ass to the office...
8.27.2004
do not lean...
some times in our lives
we all have pain
we all have sorrow
but if we are wise
we know that there's always tomorrow
lean on me
when u'r not strong and i'll be ur friend
i'll help u carry on
for it won't be long
till i'm gonna need
somebody to lean on....
famous lyrics...the most noble principal of friendship that is SUPPOSED to mean the most when life seems to be kicking you down...but have u ever considered that it's not life that's kicking you down, but the people who r in it?....
i tell u...there's nothing like a crisis situation to show u who ur real friends r...
so for all my real friends...thank u...for being there and giving me support and encouragement when i need it most and who allow me to lean at the times when i cannot stand on my own...
for those who r just ppl i know...thank u...for showing me the true u and letting me know that sometimes i stand alone....
but ain't no grudges...
it's still all good...it's still all love...
b/c still, i stand...
we all have pain
we all have sorrow
but if we are wise
we know that there's always tomorrow
lean on me
when u'r not strong and i'll be ur friend
i'll help u carry on
for it won't be long
till i'm gonna need
somebody to lean on....
famous lyrics...the most noble principal of friendship that is SUPPOSED to mean the most when life seems to be kicking you down...but have u ever considered that it's not life that's kicking you down, but the people who r in it?....
i tell u...there's nothing like a crisis situation to show u who ur real friends r...
so for all my real friends...thank u...for being there and giving me support and encouragement when i need it most and who allow me to lean at the times when i cannot stand on my own...
for those who r just ppl i know...thank u...for showing me the true u and letting me know that sometimes i stand alone....
but ain't no grudges...
it's still all good...it's still all love...
b/c still, i stand...
8.26.2004
am i crazy?...
walking into a new relationship is like running naked in the sunshine...
i like to think that i haven't been hurt so many times in the past that i cannot love freely...
it's just a thought...
what i would like to believe...
sometimes...i think that if i tell myself that enough that i will begin to believe it...but the truth is...i am scared out of my mind...god knows...
i have been thru so much bullshit in this lifetime...i have been hurt so many times...let's face it...i have baggage...call me bag lady...i'm damaged goods...
how can i not be paralyzed w/ fear?...
this little old heart of mine has been pieced back together so many times that it looks like a bunch of string and glue...but even if I have to love with the glue that holds my heart together...i want to believe that i can give my all to a relationship...
but i am no longer as trusting as i used to be...now...even tho i have no reason to not believe...i still find myself w/ questions....
i don't raise these questions b/c i do not want to come across as a paranoid, psycho, insecure nut basket...so..i just chill...sit back and observe...
my grandma used to tell me to trust my own instincts...
my father says that any conclusion can be reached w/ instinct, logic and reasoning...
these days...i question my instinct b/c i fear that my experiences have left me so jaded that what i think could be instinct could just be a reaction from a past experience...love relationships can't always be judged by logic b/c some of the most successful relationships are those that defy logic....reasoning...well...u know...sometimes there is just no reason...period...
so...do i need counseling or what?...
i like to think that i haven't been hurt so many times in the past that i cannot love freely...
it's just a thought...
what i would like to believe...
sometimes...i think that if i tell myself that enough that i will begin to believe it...but the truth is...i am scared out of my mind...god knows...
i have been thru so much bullshit in this lifetime...i have been hurt so many times...let's face it...i have baggage...call me bag lady...i'm damaged goods...
how can i not be paralyzed w/ fear?...
this little old heart of mine has been pieced back together so many times that it looks like a bunch of string and glue...but even if I have to love with the glue that holds my heart together...i want to believe that i can give my all to a relationship...
but i am no longer as trusting as i used to be...now...even tho i have no reason to not believe...i still find myself w/ questions....
i don't raise these questions b/c i do not want to come across as a paranoid, psycho, insecure nut basket...so..i just chill...sit back and observe...
my grandma used to tell me to trust my own instincts...
my father says that any conclusion can be reached w/ instinct, logic and reasoning...
these days...i question my instinct b/c i fear that my experiences have left me so jaded that what i think could be instinct could just be a reaction from a past experience...love relationships can't always be judged by logic b/c some of the most successful relationships are those that defy logic....reasoning...well...u know...sometimes there is just no reason...period...
so...do i need counseling or what?...
8.25.2004
running late...
i got a late start this morning...
so...i'm just going to leave you with a thought for the day...
Everything works out in the end. If it hasn't worked out, it's not the end.
- Unknown
so...i'm just going to leave you with a thought for the day...
Everything works out in the end. If it hasn't worked out, it's not the end.
- Unknown
8.23.2004
the world keeps turning...
Tribute to Charlotte Kendrick-LeBlanc...she will be missed...
recently, my life changed and is a lot different than it was, but somehow, it's still the same. Things that seemed so important now seem extremely insignificant.
I'm going to be brief this morning. Just cherish your loved ones - your family, your friends, anybody that means anything to you. Love them - hard...even when they are hard to love. You could be cruising along one day and all of a sudden that person is no longer here. Or YOU are no longer here.
I don't want to die thinking my special people didn't know how much I loved them. I don't want to die not knowing that I was special to them.
Even in my sorrow, I strive to find good. I am honored to have known such a beautiful person, inside and out. I am blessed to have been considered a friend. I am glad that I brought some laughter into a life. I am happy that she walked this earth, even if it was for too brief of a time, and that she brought joy to all she knew.
recently, my life changed and is a lot different than it was, but somehow, it's still the same. Things that seemed so important now seem extremely insignificant.
I'm going to be brief this morning. Just cherish your loved ones - your family, your friends, anybody that means anything to you. Love them - hard...even when they are hard to love. You could be cruising along one day and all of a sudden that person is no longer here. Or YOU are no longer here.
I don't want to die thinking my special people didn't know how much I loved them. I don't want to die not knowing that I was special to them.
Even in my sorrow, I strive to find good. I am honored to have known such a beautiful person, inside and out. I am blessed to have been considered a friend. I am glad that I brought some laughter into a life. I am happy that she walked this earth, even if it was for too brief of a time, and that she brought joy to all she knew.
8.20.2004
Quarter Life Crisis
I think I'm getting old. No - actually, it's official. I am DEFINITELY getting older. I'll be 32 this year. 32! Can ya' believe it? Where did the time go?
I was just in third grade. Just in high school. Just running around the campus at FAMU. Just buying my first car. Just getting my first apartment. Just getting married. Just getting divorced.
For six months before I turned 30, I was started practicing saying that I was 30. I was hoping that by the time the big day came that I would have lost that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach at the thought of completing my third decade. I was dead ass wrong.
A litte more than a year ago, I experienced a major quarter-life crisis. So....
I quit my job. Quit my man. Cut off all my shoulder-length hair. And joined LA Fitness.
I quit my job because I hated my boss.
I quit my man because I hated the new girlfriend I caught him cheating on me with.
I cut off all my hair because I thought it would be liberating (wrong, again).
I joined the gym because at some point when I wasn't looking someone snuck up on me and attached my mother's ass.
Now here I am more than a year later. I have a new job (that I'm LOVING - something about having your own office) I have a NEW crush and I am excited about the infinite possibilities and all the places that this relationship could go. My hair has FINALLY grown into a style that I like again (for a minute, I was walking aroung with this awkward 'too-long-to-be-short-too-short-to-be-long, but really looks like shit' stage). I have changed my eating habits, slimmed down a few pounds and a couple of inches in the effort get rid of my mother's ass.
Crisis resolved...life is good.
I was just in third grade. Just in high school. Just running around the campus at FAMU. Just buying my first car. Just getting my first apartment. Just getting married. Just getting divorced.
For six months before I turned 30, I was started practicing saying that I was 30. I was hoping that by the time the big day came that I would have lost that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach at the thought of completing my third decade. I was dead ass wrong.
A litte more than a year ago, I experienced a major quarter-life crisis. So....
I quit my job. Quit my man. Cut off all my shoulder-length hair. And joined LA Fitness.
I quit my job because I hated my boss.
I quit my man because I hated the new girlfriend I caught him cheating on me with.
I cut off all my hair because I thought it would be liberating (wrong, again).
I joined the gym because at some point when I wasn't looking someone snuck up on me and attached my mother's ass.
Now here I am more than a year later. I have a new job (that I'm LOVING - something about having your own office) I have a NEW crush and I am excited about the infinite possibilities and all the places that this relationship could go. My hair has FINALLY grown into a style that I like again (for a minute, I was walking aroung with this awkward 'too-long-to-be-short-too-short-to-be-long, but really looks like shit' stage). I have changed my eating habits, slimmed down a few pounds and a couple of inches in the effort get rid of my mother's ass.
Crisis resolved...life is good.
8.19.2004
i like the music...
kelly price has a song called strong man...in it...she talks about men that she encountered and for whatever reason...the relationships didn't work...maybe he was the wrong guy...or didn't fit into her destiny...but then she turns to all of the characteristics of the man who loves her now and what makes her man a good man...
she says....
he rubs my back when i'm achin'...
my feet when i'm tired...
my heart when i'm hurting...
wipes the tears when i'm cryin'...
he cooks when i'm hungry...
now i'm never lonely...
and when it comes to love...
he puts that thing on me....
i listen to that i think...damn...when did she get inside my head? my heart?
isn't music powerful?...it's amazing how words can be put to music that reach down into the depths of ur soul and kiss the place where ur heartbeats begin...
what songs have spoken to u and touched ur inner places?...u know...the ones that u can listen to 15 times in a row...and be moved to the same place over and over and over and over and.....
she says....
he rubs my back when i'm achin'...
my feet when i'm tired...
my heart when i'm hurting...
wipes the tears when i'm cryin'...
he cooks when i'm hungry...
now i'm never lonely...
and when it comes to love...
he puts that thing on me....
i listen to that i think...damn...when did she get inside my head? my heart?
isn't music powerful?...it's amazing how words can be put to music that reach down into the depths of ur soul and kiss the place where ur heartbeats begin...
what songs have spoken to u and touched ur inner places?...u know...the ones that u can listen to 15 times in a row...and be moved to the same place over and over and over and over and.....
8.17.2004
running....
my mother and i had a conversation recently and she told me that i am so determined not to take any bullshit off any n**ga that i have a tendency to run at the first sign of trouble...she told me that if i continued to do that i would always be running from man to man to man....
she says that i need to learn that men are human and are imperfect just as i am...that i need to allow a man the room to not get it right sometimes...and when he makes an error....allow him the oppty to show me that a relationship is something that he really wants....and then IF...he fails in that...that's when i make a move...
i like my mother's advice...maybe b/c i'm tired of running away from relationships....maybe b/c i am a glutton for punishment...who knows?...but i do like my mother's advice...but then too...i do have to keep in mind that this is advice coming from one who is married to a drug addict....an educated, intelligent, well-spoken, sometimes extremely caring individual who i even get along w/ sometimes...but a drug addict nonetheless....
is nothing in life simple?
she says that i need to learn that men are human and are imperfect just as i am...that i need to allow a man the room to not get it right sometimes...and when he makes an error....allow him the oppty to show me that a relationship is something that he really wants....and then IF...he fails in that...that's when i make a move...
i like my mother's advice...maybe b/c i'm tired of running away from relationships....maybe b/c i am a glutton for punishment...who knows?...but i do like my mother's advice...but then too...i do have to keep in mind that this is advice coming from one who is married to a drug addict....an educated, intelligent, well-spoken, sometimes extremely caring individual who i even get along w/ sometimes...but a drug addict nonetheless....
is nothing in life simple?
8.16.2004
not your average joe...
i've been having a lot of fun flirting with this really cool guy that i met recently...we hung out saturday night...had a blast...he is so sexy...but seems so unaware of it...he's almost shy even...funny because i would have expected him to be a cocky asshole...he is so the opposite...
i'm liking him...already...interesting, huh?
he writes poetry for me...says that i'm the first person that's ever inspired him to do that...his poems are so good that i might start questioning that...or maybe he just has a poetic soul and only because i write, he writes...
at any rate, i am going to enjoy the ride...we'll see what happens...
i'm liking him...already...interesting, huh?
he writes poetry for me...says that i'm the first person that's ever inspired him to do that...his poems are so good that i might start questioning that...or maybe he just has a poetic soul and only because i write, he writes...
at any rate, i am going to enjoy the ride...we'll see what happens...
8.13.2004
i need love...
it's 1987, again and i am 15 years old...wanting something, needing something...this guy named james todd smith said something that spoke to me...
There I was giggling about the games
That I had played with many hearts,
and I'm not saying no names
Then the thought occured,
tear drops made my eyes burn
As I said to myself
"look what you've done to her"
I can feel it inside,
I can't explain how it feels
All I know is
that I'll never dish another raw deal
Playing make believe,
pretending that I'm true
Holding in my laugh
as I say that I love you
Saying "amor",
kissing you on the ear
Whispering "I love you"
and "I'll always be here"
Although I often reminsce
I can't believe that I found
A desire for true love floating around
Inside my soul
because my soul is cold
One half of me
deserves to be this way till I'm old
But the other half
needs affection and joy
And the warmth that is created
by a girl and a boy
I need love
There I was giggling about the games
That I had played with many hearts,
and I'm not saying no names
Then the thought occured,
tear drops made my eyes burn
As I said to myself
"look what you've done to her"
I can feel it inside,
I can't explain how it feels
All I know is
that I'll never dish another raw deal
Playing make believe,
pretending that I'm true
Holding in my laugh
as I say that I love you
Saying "amor",
kissing you on the ear
Whispering "I love you"
and "I'll always be here"
Although I often reminsce
I can't believe that I found
A desire for true love floating around
Inside my soul
because my soul is cold
One half of me
deserves to be this way till I'm old
But the other half
needs affection and joy
And the warmth that is created
by a girl and a boy
I need love
8.12.2004
my mind is blank...really...i'm hoping that if i just keep typing something will come to mind...so basically...what i'm doing is writing about nothing...
i used to do that with letters and emails to my friends...
hey, what's up?...nothing much this way...just dropping a line to reach out to you...please forgive me for this note being so short...
until one day...one of my friends called me on it and was like...how are you going to write me a bullshit letter about writing me a letter?...
my response?...i'm just doing what i can to keep in touch with you...let you know that i still count you among my circle of friends...it's just my way of maintaining friendships...
and sometimes...i will put together a fairly bland email...title it greetings and send it to half my hotmail address book with the address in the blind copy section...
hey...haven't spoken to you in a while...i do hope all is well with you...you know it's important to keep in touch...i would like to hear back from you...but in the interim...this is my prayer for you...that everything in your life is just like you want it to be and that you know joy unspeakable...or something similar...
i call it my public relations...my version of maintaining my network...it's not the most personal way of reaching out to my friends and the business contacts that i want to maintain a relationship with...but it is a way that works for me...i would go crazy trying to make time to call ALL the people that i care to keep in contact with...i could literally call one person a day for a year and not talk to the same person twice...
who has time for that shit?how often do you keep in touch with your friends and business contacts? what method do you use?
i used to do that with letters and emails to my friends...
hey, what's up?...nothing much this way...just dropping a line to reach out to you...please forgive me for this note being so short...
until one day...one of my friends called me on it and was like...how are you going to write me a bullshit letter about writing me a letter?...
my response?...i'm just doing what i can to keep in touch with you...let you know that i still count you among my circle of friends...it's just my way of maintaining friendships...
and sometimes...i will put together a fairly bland email...title it greetings and send it to half my hotmail address book with the address in the blind copy section...
hey...haven't spoken to you in a while...i do hope all is well with you...you know it's important to keep in touch...i would like to hear back from you...but in the interim...this is my prayer for you...that everything in your life is just like you want it to be and that you know joy unspeakable...or something similar...
i call it my public relations...my version of maintaining my network...it's not the most personal way of reaching out to my friends and the business contacts that i want to maintain a relationship with...but it is a way that works for me...i would go crazy trying to make time to call ALL the people that i care to keep in contact with...i could literally call one person a day for a year and not talk to the same person twice...
who has time for that shit?how often do you keep in touch with your friends and business contacts? what method do you use?
8.11.2004
my heart's still beating....halleluh!!!!!
sometimes....even in a crowded room...i am alone...sometimes...when i am with my favorite people in the world...the ones that bring me joy and laughter...i am lonely...and i am sad....
sometimes...the pressures of life seem too much to bear....the burdens seem too heavy...i cannot see the light...i do not know the way...i feel lost and without direction...at times like this...i know no peace....
i am comforted then...only by the fact...that i am SUPPOSED to be here...if i weren't...i would have been dead a long time ago...dead from an attempt on my life...dead from a horrible car accident...dead from a broken heart....
i am comforted by knowing that the hand of the Creator is upon me...by knowing that i walk in favor...by knowing that He has created me for a purpose...it's my duty to know what that purpose is...
i am comforted by hope....soothed by the belief that my troubles won't last always...that this too shall pass and that the darkest hours are just before the dawn....
i am made brave by the realization that the many times that i could have just stopped...just given up...just given in...just folded...just laid down...just quit...i knew that it was time to stand still and just rejoice in being....
so sometimes...i shut down my phone...cut off the world...and i am still...and i hear Him...no...i do not hear His voice....He does not speak to me through a song or a sermon...He does not send word through my close friends and family....but still....He touches my soul...
how do i know it is Him?...how do i hear His message loud and clear?...how do i know He is present?...how do i know that He is telling me that all will be well?...why do i rejoice?...
it is all quite simple really...my heart's still beating...halleluh!!!!!!!!!!
sometimes...the pressures of life seem too much to bear....the burdens seem too heavy...i cannot see the light...i do not know the way...i feel lost and without direction...at times like this...i know no peace....
i am comforted then...only by the fact...that i am SUPPOSED to be here...if i weren't...i would have been dead a long time ago...dead from an attempt on my life...dead from a horrible car accident...dead from a broken heart....
i am comforted by knowing that the hand of the Creator is upon me...by knowing that i walk in favor...by knowing that He has created me for a purpose...it's my duty to know what that purpose is...
i am comforted by hope....soothed by the belief that my troubles won't last always...that this too shall pass and that the darkest hours are just before the dawn....
i am made brave by the realization that the many times that i could have just stopped...just given up...just given in...just folded...just laid down...just quit...i knew that it was time to stand still and just rejoice in being....
so sometimes...i shut down my phone...cut off the world...and i am still...and i hear Him...no...i do not hear His voice....He does not speak to me through a song or a sermon...He does not send word through my close friends and family....but still....He touches my soul...
how do i know it is Him?...how do i hear His message loud and clear?...how do i know He is present?...how do i know that He is telling me that all will be well?...why do i rejoice?...
it is all quite simple really...my heart's still beating...halleluh!!!!!!!!!!
8.10.2004
how to qualify for the position...
I require a man who is emotionally available to explore a relationship. It is not cute when you have issues from past relationships that require closure.
I would like to be with a man that I am physically attracted to. Now, he does not have to be Ebony Man of the Month. But he needs to be well groomed, have a nice smile and take care of himself physically - meaning that he is involved in some type of physical activity to keep him healthy. There is ONE physical requirement that is a deal breaker. I am a tall chick (5'10) - unfortunately, I have never been comfortable dating someone shorter than me.
I am looking for someone who is consistently consistent. I want to be with someone who is respectable and respectful.
I don't necessarily look for a man who has a degree. It is a plus, but not a requirement. You do need to be employed and taking care of yourself and all of your responsibilities.
I'm not adverse to dating a man with children, as long as he is taking care of them. I refuse to date dead-beat dads.
I am looking for someone who I share similarities with. It's cute to say that opposites attract, but it is what you have in common that allow you to build relationships.
It is also VERY important that we be sexually compatible. If you can't take me 'there', you will not hold my interest.
I am looking for a well-rounded package. Not a perfect package, just well rounded.
A man who stimulates me mentally and intellectually. It is obvious from my posts that I have a lot to say. So someone who can engage me in conversation and with whom I can enjoy debating is cool.
A man who attracts me physically and sexually. It's something about the strength in a man's hands that is sexy as all get-out. And something about the width of a man's shoulders. And something about the feel of a man's....oh
wait, I'm about to get x-rated.
I want a man that makes me eager to come home at night, that waking up to his morning breath is not a thought worse than death. I want a man who will serve me breakfast in bed on Saturday mornings (not every Saturday) and who I can make omelets for on Sunday mornings before church.
I would like to be with a man that I am physically attracted to. Now, he does not have to be Ebony Man of the Month. But he needs to be well groomed, have a nice smile and take care of himself physically - meaning that he is involved in some type of physical activity to keep him healthy. There is ONE physical requirement that is a deal breaker. I am a tall chick (5'10) - unfortunately, I have never been comfortable dating someone shorter than me.
I am looking for someone who is consistently consistent. I want to be with someone who is respectable and respectful.
I don't necessarily look for a man who has a degree. It is a plus, but not a requirement. You do need to be employed and taking care of yourself and all of your responsibilities.
I'm not adverse to dating a man with children, as long as he is taking care of them. I refuse to date dead-beat dads.
I am looking for someone who I share similarities with. It's cute to say that opposites attract, but it is what you have in common that allow you to build relationships.
It is also VERY important that we be sexually compatible. If you can't take me 'there', you will not hold my interest.
I am looking for a well-rounded package. Not a perfect package, just well rounded.
A man who stimulates me mentally and intellectually. It is obvious from my posts that I have a lot to say. So someone who can engage me in conversation and with whom I can enjoy debating is cool.
A man who attracts me physically and sexually. It's something about the strength in a man's hands that is sexy as all get-out. And something about the width of a man's shoulders. And something about the feel of a man's....oh
wait, I'm about to get x-rated.
I want a man that makes me eager to come home at night, that waking up to his morning breath is not a thought worse than death. I want a man who will serve me breakfast in bed on Saturday mornings (not every Saturday) and who I can make omelets for on Sunday mornings before church.
8.09.2004
the loves of my life...
i fell in love for the first time when i was 12...can u fall in love at 12?...i certainly thought i was...and i was in love w/ the same guy for 4 years....willie carl bullock....i loved me some carl....carl was 5 years older than me...i used to be so shy around him that when he talked to me...i couldn't say anything...carl bullock....my first love....my first lover...my first heartbreak....
my next love was bryant dismuke....i was 19....i moved out of my mother's house into a basement apartment for this negro...it was my money that bought us the waterbed that we slept in...he used to take me to work and be late picking me up in MY car...ain't that some shit?...that relationship ended when i found out that he was taking other chicks out in my car....i left everything i bought for that apartment there and moved in w/ my girlfriend melissa....second major heartbreak....
the year i turned 20....i fell in love w/ jarrel cunningham....a married man...disclaimer....at first...i didn't know he was married...he lied...by the time i found out...i had been in love w/ the man for three months...back then...that was a lifetime...he left his wife for me...it doesn't feel good to say that...but it's true...our relationship lasted for another year...i finally walked away from it when there were still too many unanswered questions and his by then ex-wife was still acting like a fucking idiot...that and i spent my 21st birthday w/ someone else b/c he was nowhere to be found....
i met kevin smith when i was coming out of that....we were married w/in 9 months....my ex was in the military...i'd moved to north carolina while we were dating...he was still stationed in georgia....i got married in dillon, south carolina - the wedding capital of the world....i wore pepe jeans, a white tshirt and white reebok classics....we would be married for a year and a half before we lived under the same roof....a year later he left me for a stripper....
i moved to georgia while going thru the divorce...charles...and i'm sitting here thinking about it...i dated this negro for six months...he tried to kill me...u know....police...eyewitnesses...attempted kidnapping...assault and battery...all that...and i cannot remember his last name to save my life...at any rate....charles whatever-his-last-name-is was obviously not successful in his attempt to kill me....
after that...there was gerald keith slaton...he was EVERYTHING a boyfriend should be...except one thing...he was not IN love w/ me...his father, the country holiness preacher, had a problem w/ the fact that i was divorced...keith would never marry me...i gave him two years of my life...he got really saved and turned into a religious idiot...i got really gone quickly....
deshannon martin...i will die if any of u say u know him....was the last serious long-term relationship i was in...initially that negro was so in love w/ me that my shit didn't stink....two years later...he had become a pro at pulling disappearing acts, not returning my calls and forgetting that i exist...obviously not a successful relationship....
i know that i was a bit long winded today....i do hope that i have not taken up too much of ur life w/ my ramblings...i only went thru the short list....the unabridged version...would be a book....
i'll let u know when it comes out....
my next love was bryant dismuke....i was 19....i moved out of my mother's house into a basement apartment for this negro...it was my money that bought us the waterbed that we slept in...he used to take me to work and be late picking me up in MY car...ain't that some shit?...that relationship ended when i found out that he was taking other chicks out in my car....i left everything i bought for that apartment there and moved in w/ my girlfriend melissa....second major heartbreak....
the year i turned 20....i fell in love w/ jarrel cunningham....a married man...disclaimer....at first...i didn't know he was married...he lied...by the time i found out...i had been in love w/ the man for three months...back then...that was a lifetime...he left his wife for me...it doesn't feel good to say that...but it's true...our relationship lasted for another year...i finally walked away from it when there were still too many unanswered questions and his by then ex-wife was still acting like a fucking idiot...that and i spent my 21st birthday w/ someone else b/c he was nowhere to be found....
i met kevin smith when i was coming out of that....we were married w/in 9 months....my ex was in the military...i'd moved to north carolina while we were dating...he was still stationed in georgia....i got married in dillon, south carolina - the wedding capital of the world....i wore pepe jeans, a white tshirt and white reebok classics....we would be married for a year and a half before we lived under the same roof....a year later he left me for a stripper....
i moved to georgia while going thru the divorce...charles...and i'm sitting here thinking about it...i dated this negro for six months...he tried to kill me...u know....police...eyewitnesses...attempted kidnapping...assault and battery...all that...and i cannot remember his last name to save my life...at any rate....charles whatever-his-last-name-is was obviously not successful in his attempt to kill me....
after that...there was gerald keith slaton...he was EVERYTHING a boyfriend should be...except one thing...he was not IN love w/ me...his father, the country holiness preacher, had a problem w/ the fact that i was divorced...keith would never marry me...i gave him two years of my life...he got really saved and turned into a religious idiot...i got really gone quickly....
deshannon martin...i will die if any of u say u know him....was the last serious long-term relationship i was in...initially that negro was so in love w/ me that my shit didn't stink....two years later...he had become a pro at pulling disappearing acts, not returning my calls and forgetting that i exist...obviously not a successful relationship....
i know that i was a bit long winded today....i do hope that i have not taken up too much of ur life w/ my ramblings...i only went thru the short list....the unabridged version...would be a book....
i'll let u know when it comes out....
8.06.2004
i remember...
to continue what was started yeterday and since we have a mandate from suga that fridays are 'by damn, we'll be happy day'...i decided that i would take a moment to reflect...on my memories....
i remember the first time i wrote my name...i was in headstart...the teacher's aide taught me to spell my name wrong....
i remember being on the playground and taking my hooded sweater and piling it on top of my head and spinning around until i turned into wonder woman...i was in kindergarten...
i remember my first dentist's appointment...i remember 'swishing'...i remember when tishelia brown stole stacy barnes lunch cause she said said she was hungry...i think it was just cause she was fat and greedy...first grade....
second grade...i remember mary ann roulhac...she couldn't read...i used to help her sound out words at recess...
i remember the time i was giving answers to lawana johnson on our spelling test and my third grade teacher, ms. barber, kept us so long after class that she had to drive us home...i still remember the ass whuppin' i got for that one...but it was ms. barber that invited her entire class to her house for a cookout...it was the first time i had ever seen a pool table in somebody's house and the first time that i realized some white people lived much differently than we did....i was runner up in the spelling bee that year...i got eliminated when i couldn't spell 'diaphragm'....now it's one of those words that i will NEVER forget...
michael cooke was my first crush...that little negro was so black...u have a hard time seeing him next to me in my fourth grade class picture...
i don't remember shit about the fifth grade except that my teacher's name was mrs. weiss and i wanted to be in mrs. dunn's class b/c she was prettier....besides...michael cooke was in her class...
i also wanted to take a moment to thank all of you that came to hang out this week...i am honored that you chose to spend time at this spot...however, i am REALLY looking forward to mia's return on monday...
i remember the first time i wrote my name...i was in headstart...the teacher's aide taught me to spell my name wrong....
i remember being on the playground and taking my hooded sweater and piling it on top of my head and spinning around until i turned into wonder woman...i was in kindergarten...
i remember my first dentist's appointment...i remember 'swishing'...i remember when tishelia brown stole stacy barnes lunch cause she said said she was hungry...i think it was just cause she was fat and greedy...first grade....
second grade...i remember mary ann roulhac...she couldn't read...i used to help her sound out words at recess...
i remember the time i was giving answers to lawana johnson on our spelling test and my third grade teacher, ms. barber, kept us so long after class that she had to drive us home...i still remember the ass whuppin' i got for that one...but it was ms. barber that invited her entire class to her house for a cookout...it was the first time i had ever seen a pool table in somebody's house and the first time that i realized some white people lived much differently than we did....i was runner up in the spelling bee that year...i got eliminated when i couldn't spell 'diaphragm'....now it's one of those words that i will NEVER forget...
michael cooke was my first crush...that little negro was so black...u have a hard time seeing him next to me in my fourth grade class picture...
i don't remember shit about the fifth grade except that my teacher's name was mrs. weiss and i wanted to be in mrs. dunn's class b/c she was prettier....besides...michael cooke was in her class...
i also wanted to take a moment to thank all of you that came to hang out this week...i am honored that you chose to spend time at this spot...however, i am REALLY looking forward to mia's return on monday...
8.05.2004
pop quiz...
You don't have to actually answer the questions.
Just read straight through, and you'll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Here's another quiz.. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.
Easier?
The lesson:
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards.
They are the ones that care.
Just read straight through, and you'll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Here's another quiz.. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.
Easier?
The lesson:
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards.
They are the ones that care.
8.04.2004
one monkey don't stop no show...
sometimes....something happens to u and u think the world should come to a screeching halt...if only for a moment...just to acknowledge YOU...YOUR triumphs...YOUR victories...and maybe even YOUR loss...YOUR devastation....but...there are too many things going on in this universe that r not about YOU (this line borrowed from PDL or so i'm told)...
but every now and then...don't u want it to be just about YOU?...don't u want to have selfish moments and not be able to feel any guilt about it?...sometimes...being thoughtful and considerate and caring and gracious and kind can be tiring...most of the time...it's easy...but SOMETIMES...
i want to just do what i want to do....when i want to do it...how i want to do it...why it want to do it...with no thought for how it affects anyone but me...
and sometimes...i am looking into the eyes of the world...facing my fears...hand on my hip....smile on my brave face...all the while.... i'm screaming on the inside....
I AM THE SHOWSTOPPER and IT REALLY IS ALL ABOUT ME...
maybe the show should stop for one monkey....sometimes....
but every now and then...don't u want it to be just about YOU?...don't u want to have selfish moments and not be able to feel any guilt about it?...sometimes...being thoughtful and considerate and caring and gracious and kind can be tiring...most of the time...it's easy...but SOMETIMES...
i want to just do what i want to do....when i want to do it...how i want to do it...why it want to do it...with no thought for how it affects anyone but me...
and sometimes...i am looking into the eyes of the world...facing my fears...hand on my hip....smile on my brave face...all the while.... i'm screaming on the inside....
I AM THE SHOWSTOPPER and IT REALLY IS ALL ABOUT ME...
maybe the show should stop for one monkey....sometimes....
8.03.2004
the grass is NOT greener...
and as a good friend said to me recently, "sometimes, it's not even grass."
why are people always talking about they can't find a good man or a good woman, but always want to pursue someone who is already in a relationship? then...when they just so happen to get w/ that person...and the relationship is horrible and they are unhappy...they start tripping...i mean...didn't they get exactly what they asked for?...a relationship w/ someone who will lie and cheat?...u ALREADY knew when u asked to meet her/him that this person had a gf or bf or husband or wife or whatever...y not just respect the relationship and move on?...
and of course, it goes the other way....i have friends who are married or in relationships that are always into something...talking about "ain't nothing wrong w/ having friends"...i guess there is just something about the grass appearing to be greener...my thing is...pick some grass and stick with it...
it takes forever to build a relationship that lasts forever...
why are people always talking about they can't find a good man or a good woman, but always want to pursue someone who is already in a relationship? then...when they just so happen to get w/ that person...and the relationship is horrible and they are unhappy...they start tripping...i mean...didn't they get exactly what they asked for?...a relationship w/ someone who will lie and cheat?...u ALREADY knew when u asked to meet her/him that this person had a gf or bf or husband or wife or whatever...y not just respect the relationship and move on?...
and of course, it goes the other way....i have friends who are married or in relationships that are always into something...talking about "ain't nothing wrong w/ having friends"...i guess there is just something about the grass appearing to be greener...my thing is...pick some grass and stick with it...
it takes forever to build a relationship that lasts forever...
8.02.2004
prior planning...
prevents piss poor performance...how true is this?...
and i know often when we make this statement it's work related...but think about it...it can apply to just about everything u do...from the vacation u take in june to the wedding of ur dreams and really, to life in general.
You can hear people making statements like "I don't know how I found myself in this situation." or asking questions like "Why did this have to happen to me?" Most often, the answer can be found in examining the decisions that were made. It is an edict that is proven over and over again - your situation is a direct result of the choices that you have made.
When shit goes wrong in my life, I honestly cannot blame my momma or my environment of 'the Man'. I have to look to myself and take ownership of the mistakes that I make. I am the one that LET this happen.
Which brings me to my point... You CANNOT just let things happen in life. You have to take control of your decisions, your actions and in effect, your destiny. Yes, there are some things that I cannot change. I cannot change being black. I cannot change being a woman. I cannot change my past.
However, I can take control starting today. I can make conscious decisions that will lead me on a path towards satisfaction, success and happiness.
My personal mission statement:
to find happiness daily. to bring a smile to others. to let my light shine. to be consistently consistent in ALL things. to know joy.
Do you have a personal mission statement?
and i know often when we make this statement it's work related...but think about it...it can apply to just about everything u do...from the vacation u take in june to the wedding of ur dreams and really, to life in general.
You can hear people making statements like "I don't know how I found myself in this situation." or asking questions like "Why did this have to happen to me?" Most often, the answer can be found in examining the decisions that were made. It is an edict that is proven over and over again - your situation is a direct result of the choices that you have made.
When shit goes wrong in my life, I honestly cannot blame my momma or my environment of 'the Man'. I have to look to myself and take ownership of the mistakes that I make. I am the one that LET this happen.
Which brings me to my point... You CANNOT just let things happen in life. You have to take control of your decisions, your actions and in effect, your destiny. Yes, there are some things that I cannot change. I cannot change being black. I cannot change being a woman. I cannot change my past.
However, I can take control starting today. I can make conscious decisions that will lead me on a path towards satisfaction, success and happiness.
My personal mission statement:
to find happiness daily. to bring a smile to others. to let my light shine. to be consistently consistent in ALL things. to know joy.
Do you have a personal mission statement?
7.30.2004
this is a test...
this is a test of the emergency blogcast station....
had this been an actual emergency...you would have been notified accordingly...
as it stands...this blogspot exists solely for the purpose of providings Mia's Blog Addicts Anonymous a spot to get their blog fix on...
tune in next week for actual blog topics...
i ain't mia...but i will give you guys somewhere to alleviate your blog jones while she is out...
happy blogging....
we now returned to your regularly scheduled programming...
had this been an actual emergency...you would have been notified accordingly...
as it stands...this blogspot exists solely for the purpose of providings Mia's Blog Addicts Anonymous a spot to get their blog fix on...
tune in next week for actual blog topics...
i ain't mia...but i will give you guys somewhere to alleviate your blog jones while she is out...
happy blogging....
we now returned to your regularly scheduled programming...
7.08.2004
mo money...mo problems...
nick has been there for me w/ no questions since we have been together...especially with the situation w/ my truck....
and...i have helped him out...a twenty a couple of times to get him to payday...and i let him borrow $100 to get two tires put on his car after we realized that wires were showing on two of those puppies...for me...it's been no big deal...it's just how you do when you are in a relationship...
he and i used to make around the same amount...at my new job...i make about $15,000 more than he does...and i think that is causing him problems...
last night...he tells me that he's become too dependent on me...i'm like "what are you talking about? dependent in what way?"...he's like..."you know, for money and shit."...i'm like..."what does that mean?"....he says that he just needs some time to work on himself and make sure that this (meaning us) is what he wants right now....
strangely...i'm okay with that...maybe b/c i have to be...but whatever...i'm okay with it...my life doesn't stop...i'll continue doing ME...maybe...i should look into reviving my rotation....
and...i have helped him out...a twenty a couple of times to get him to payday...and i let him borrow $100 to get two tires put on his car after we realized that wires were showing on two of those puppies...for me...it's been no big deal...it's just how you do when you are in a relationship...
he and i used to make around the same amount...at my new job...i make about $15,000 more than he does...and i think that is causing him problems...
last night...he tells me that he's become too dependent on me...i'm like "what are you talking about? dependent in what way?"...he's like..."you know, for money and shit."...i'm like..."what does that mean?"....he says that he just needs some time to work on himself and make sure that this (meaning us) is what he wants right now....
strangely...i'm okay with that...maybe b/c i have to be...but whatever...i'm okay with it...my life doesn't stop...i'll continue doing ME...maybe...i should look into reviving my rotation....
7.07.2004
do i need an aa mtg?
ok...so...we all know my proverbial shit hit the fan on Friday afternoon...
if u were out...read back....get caught up...
a select few of my bfam were on hand for my rage...and subsequent meltdown after drinking a half a bottle of red, red wine on friday night....complete w/ drunken dancing, crying, calling my mother at 200am, passing out in the middle of my living room floor, throwing up and being carried to bed....
i MUST say here...thanks guys for being there...
i will also say....that it will probably be another 12 years before i drink again....
saturday morning...i woke up...amazingly not hung over...just feeling a little blah...i decided to check my email and had a response from a message that i had sent to a good friend who is currently stationed in iraq....and i got to thinking and remembering....some of the emails that I had been sending to ron...i went to my sent messages and below is the example of one that i found...
From: "CSmith"
Subject: RE: E-Card from Ronnie
To: "Ron W"
actually...i hadn't been looking for anything else...i know...stupidity on my part...i was really counting on this to come through...but hey....it still could...however...i am now on the grind working to make some other things happen....i'll keep u posted....
just so u know....if u were to ask...at some point...i would say yes....no hesitation....
take note of the last bolded line....in comparing nick's email to mine...mine reads just as horribly as his...
my mother told me that i am so determined not to take any bullshit off any n**ga that i have a tendency to run at the first sign of trouble...she told me that if i continued to do that i would always be running from man to man to man....
i need to learn that men are human and are imperfect just as i am...that i need to allow nick that room to not get it right sometimes...and when he makes an error....allow him the oppty to show me that this relationship is something that he really wants....and then IF...he fails in that...that's when i make a move...
i like my mother's advice...maybe b/c emotionally, i'm not ready to walk away from the relationship....maybe b/c i am a glutton for punishment...
who knows?...
but i do like my mother's advice...but then too...i do have to keep in mind that this is advice coming from one who is married to a drug addict....an educated, intelligent, well-spoken, sometimes extremely caring individual who i even get along w/ sometimes...but a drug addict nonetheless....
is nothing in life simple?
if u were out...read back....get caught up...
a select few of my bfam were on hand for my rage...and subsequent meltdown after drinking a half a bottle of red, red wine on friday night....complete w/ drunken dancing, crying, calling my mother at 200am, passing out in the middle of my living room floor, throwing up and being carried to bed....
i MUST say here...thanks guys for being there...
i will also say....that it will probably be another 12 years before i drink again....
saturday morning...i woke up...amazingly not hung over...just feeling a little blah...i decided to check my email and had a response from a message that i had sent to a good friend who is currently stationed in iraq....and i got to thinking and remembering....some of the emails that I had been sending to ron...i went to my sent messages and below is the example of one that i found...
From: "CSmith"
Subject: RE: E-Card from Ronnie
To: "Ron W"
actually...i hadn't been looking for anything else...i know...stupidity on my part...i was really counting on this to come through...but hey....it still could...however...i am now on the grind working to make some other things happen....i'll keep u posted....
just so u know....if u were to ask...at some point...i would say yes....no hesitation....
take note of the last bolded line....in comparing nick's email to mine...mine reads just as horribly as his...
my mother told me that i am so determined not to take any bullshit off any n**ga that i have a tendency to run at the first sign of trouble...she told me that if i continued to do that i would always be running from man to man to man....
i need to learn that men are human and are imperfect just as i am...that i need to allow nick that room to not get it right sometimes...and when he makes an error....allow him the oppty to show me that this relationship is something that he really wants....and then IF...he fails in that...that's when i make a move...
i like my mother's advice...maybe b/c emotionally, i'm not ready to walk away from the relationship....maybe b/c i am a glutton for punishment...
who knows?...
but i do like my mother's advice...but then too...i do have to keep in mind that this is advice coming from one who is married to a drug addict....an educated, intelligent, well-spoken, sometimes extremely caring individual who i even get along w/ sometimes...but a drug addict nonetheless....
is nothing in life simple?
6.30.2004
the fork in the road...
For some reason, in relationships, we come to a point where we stop being completely honest. You start holding back and stop saying things that you might say ordinarily. Why? Is it because at the point that your emotions become involved that you start to be afraid that the whole truth will sabatoge the relationship? or Is it because you start to care enough about your partner's feelings that you hold back some of the more extreme parts of who you are because you're so determined to keep the relationship in the middle of the road?
I do believe that Nick and I are at that point. I have stopped being honest.
So, right here, right now, let me be very honest. Nick and I have been dating for about four months and I have fallen in love. I already know that I want to be this man's wife and the mother to his children. I love who he is and who he makes me want to be. I am ready to cut ALL the bullshit and start looking to a future together. I realize that it takes forever to build a relationship that lasts forever and I am ready to start working on forever. I would marry this man tomorrow.
Now, I know that some of you might say, "Whoa, C, pump your brakes. You're moving too fast. You're going to scare him away." You know I just might and if that's the case, so be it. But I've been laying in bed since 5am thinking about the fact that in the last few weeks, I have felt like I've not been true to myself. I have been holding back on some of the things that I want to express to Nick. When really, what I should be doing is telling him exactly where I live.
Upfront, I told him that I was dating with the intent of getting married. I am not dating just to be dating or just to have a man in my life. That is still very much the case. And if he can't meet me where I am, then maybe I should be in another place.
It has not helped matters that he and I haven't spent as much time together in the last few weeks, that I've had to deal with a major crisis and that he's had his daughter for the last week and that has seriously limited our ability to be together. And quite frankly, I FEEL like I've been put back into a rotation.
Emotionally, I have come to a fork in the road. Do I just pick up the fork, find a spoon and keep going? or Do I pause to make some tough decisions about how to handle the situation and which path to take? How long do you linger in a relationship that is just okay?
I know that whatever I put out to Nick that I've got to be prepared for how it comes back at me.
Or maybe this is just Crazy talking on a Wednesday morning.
I do believe that Nick and I are at that point. I have stopped being honest.
So, right here, right now, let me be very honest. Nick and I have been dating for about four months and I have fallen in love. I already know that I want to be this man's wife and the mother to his children. I love who he is and who he makes me want to be. I am ready to cut ALL the bullshit and start looking to a future together. I realize that it takes forever to build a relationship that lasts forever and I am ready to start working on forever. I would marry this man tomorrow.
Now, I know that some of you might say, "Whoa, C, pump your brakes. You're moving too fast. You're going to scare him away." You know I just might and if that's the case, so be it. But I've been laying in bed since 5am thinking about the fact that in the last few weeks, I have felt like I've not been true to myself. I have been holding back on some of the things that I want to express to Nick. When really, what I should be doing is telling him exactly where I live.
Upfront, I told him that I was dating with the intent of getting married. I am not dating just to be dating or just to have a man in my life. That is still very much the case. And if he can't meet me where I am, then maybe I should be in another place.
It has not helped matters that he and I haven't spent as much time together in the last few weeks, that I've had to deal with a major crisis and that he's had his daughter for the last week and that has seriously limited our ability to be together. And quite frankly, I FEEL like I've been put back into a rotation.
Emotionally, I have come to a fork in the road. Do I just pick up the fork, find a spoon and keep going? or Do I pause to make some tough decisions about how to handle the situation and which path to take? How long do you linger in a relationship that is just okay?
I know that whatever I put out to Nick that I've got to be prepared for how it comes back at me.
Or maybe this is just Crazy talking on a Wednesday morning.
6.15.2004
let them eat cake...or not...
Well the wedding is over and I think it the whole damn thing should have been over before it even started. Like good guests do, we arrived at the church at 3:50pm going to a four o'clock wedding. Who ever knew that the wedding was not going to start until 6:30pm? Talk about late, unorganized and thrown together.
By the time the happy couple and the wedding party finally arrived, my dad and I were nearing a HEAT STROKE from the 95 degrees temperature outside and the church being 159 degrees on the inside...with no air conditioning and one lonely little ceiling fan twirling 2 blades as hard as it could.
Once the sad little wedding started, it took longer for the wedding party to come in and get lined up than it did for the preacher to say the vows. The wedding party consisted of a maid of honor and first best man, a matron of honor and second best man, 6 bridesmaids and their attendants, 4 junior bridesmaids and their attendants, 3 flower girls and 2 ring bearers - one for his ring and one for hers.
I am sure the preacher didn't or couldn't remember who he was marrying because he could not get either one of their names right.
To make matters worse, we were presented with the newly wedded couple dressed in all white with tattoos covering the parts that fabric didn't.
How can this day be saved? (I know you are thinking what I was thinking) I am starving - I'm at a black wedding - at least the food will be good...NOPE!! Now why would you think such a thing? The food gave new meaning to the rap song from the Sugar Hill Gang.."The chicken taste like WOOD."
And please tell me how I got stuck serving the wedding party and the guests at the reception. The geniuses planning this fiasco paid her sister's cousin baby's daddy auntie to cook the food for the reception. However, no one gave any thought to how the food would be served. So, while everyone was looking at each other wondering what was the protocol for getting fed, I decided to take action. I was not going to faint from hunger waiting for these negroes to get done being cute and ghetto proper.
Then, of course, who needs cake at a wedding? I glad I am not the only one who thought this, because YEP!! No wedding cake...So we all just raised out glasses with the new couple with Fanta Grape Soda, offered our well wishes and danced the night away to a mixed CD that was purchased at the flea market on Old Nat'L. The CD was played on the stereo from the bride's grandmother's living room. Yes - the brought the whole damn rack system, speakers and all and set it up in the corner of the room.
Oh....the things we do for love.
Don't this little story make you want to just throw your self at the next person that walks in your life and say HEY Let's get married...invite all of our friends and family and ruin not only our Saturday but THEIRS too?
By the time the happy couple and the wedding party finally arrived, my dad and I were nearing a HEAT STROKE from the 95 degrees temperature outside and the church being 159 degrees on the inside...with no air conditioning and one lonely little ceiling fan twirling 2 blades as hard as it could.
Once the sad little wedding started, it took longer for the wedding party to come in and get lined up than it did for the preacher to say the vows. The wedding party consisted of a maid of honor and first best man, a matron of honor and second best man, 6 bridesmaids and their attendants, 4 junior bridesmaids and their attendants, 3 flower girls and 2 ring bearers - one for his ring and one for hers.
I am sure the preacher didn't or couldn't remember who he was marrying because he could not get either one of their names right.
To make matters worse, we were presented with the newly wedded couple dressed in all white with tattoos covering the parts that fabric didn't.
How can this day be saved? (I know you are thinking what I was thinking) I am starving - I'm at a black wedding - at least the food will be good...NOPE!! Now why would you think such a thing? The food gave new meaning to the rap song from the Sugar Hill Gang.."The chicken taste like WOOD."
And please tell me how I got stuck serving the wedding party and the guests at the reception. The geniuses planning this fiasco paid her sister's cousin baby's daddy auntie to cook the food for the reception. However, no one gave any thought to how the food would be served. So, while everyone was looking at each other wondering what was the protocol for getting fed, I decided to take action. I was not going to faint from hunger waiting for these negroes to get done being cute and ghetto proper.
Then, of course, who needs cake at a wedding? I glad I am not the only one who thought this, because YEP!! No wedding cake...So we all just raised out glasses with the new couple with Fanta Grape Soda, offered our well wishes and danced the night away to a mixed CD that was purchased at the flea market on Old Nat'L. The CD was played on the stereo from the bride's grandmother's living room. Yes - the brought the whole damn rack system, speakers and all and set it up in the corner of the room.
Oh....the things we do for love.
Don't this little story make you want to just throw your self at the next person that walks in your life and say HEY Let's get married...invite all of our friends and family and ruin not only our Saturday but THEIRS too?
6.03.2004
making up....a beautiful thing...
there really is a thin line between love and hate...........can i just tell ya?......b/c for as pissed off as i was yesterday..........today..........i am FEELIN' DA LUV!!!!!
of course.......the entire bfam was able yesterday to experience the wrath of csc and i was able to demonstrate what crazy looks like on an ordinary day....................the bfam members that were conferenced on yahoo last night.........were able to 'meet' mailman and take part in one of our livelier discussions.......btw........he really enjoyed that shit..........i want ya'll to know that i am officially placing those who sided w/ him on my list of people that i'm NOT TALKING TO FOR 2 HOURS...........now y'all know y'all could have backed me up..........
at any rate........nick says (shug.........i just had to throw one of those in there)..........that it's pretty tight how we hang out online.........he was really trippin' off of 2 and his webcam.............when we first logged on and before he realized that 2 couldn't hear him...........he was trying to talk back to 2's ass...........
at any rate...............we are cool now..............i guess it was another one of those growing pain days..............and can ANYONE tell me..............what in DA' HELL it is about make-up sex that just blows ur effin' mind?.............
of course.......the entire bfam was able yesterday to experience the wrath of csc and i was able to demonstrate what crazy looks like on an ordinary day....................the bfam members that were conferenced on yahoo last night.........were able to 'meet' mailman and take part in one of our livelier discussions.......btw........he really enjoyed that shit..........i want ya'll to know that i am officially placing those who sided w/ him on my list of people that i'm NOT TALKING TO FOR 2 HOURS...........now y'all know y'all could have backed me up..........
at any rate........nick says (shug.........i just had to throw one of those in there)..........that it's pretty tight how we hang out online.........he was really trippin' off of 2 and his webcam.............when we first logged on and before he realized that 2 couldn't hear him...........he was trying to talk back to 2's ass...........
at any rate...............we are cool now..............i guess it was another one of those growing pain days..............and can ANYONE tell me..............what in DA' HELL it is about make-up sex that just blows ur effin' mind?.............
6.02.2004
brown skin...
my book club just finished reading 'reaching back' by nea simone...it was an interesting read...the story line was fabulous...the characters and the action alone made it a book that i couldn't put down...a real page turner...
however...the most important theme in the book did not center around a character or an incident...the driving plot point in this book was skin color...more specifically...light skin...and this family's obsession w/ light skin and passing for white...
now...i have been black all my life...let me clarify...i have been the blackest member of my family all my life...however...i was never made to feel as if that were a bad thing...i was never singled out in a bad way about my complexion...of course...my grandfather used to call me 'old black ass gal'...but he was almost as black as me...so i never took it as an insult...
it was surprising to me to read this book and find people SO caught up in skin tone...i guess...i'm saying all of this to say...that while living in my black skin is something that i realize is a part of my identity...my particular color of black has never been something that caused me any real issues...i've never wanted to be light skinned, hi-yella, red boned, pecan tan, mocoa brown...or any of the other wonderful adjectives that can be used to describe black skin....
my family is a rainbow of pretty brown people...from the light bright to the dark brown...
and i love my beautiful black skin....just like i love my beautiful black people...and u are truly beautiful creations....
however...the most important theme in the book did not center around a character or an incident...the driving plot point in this book was skin color...more specifically...light skin...and this family's obsession w/ light skin and passing for white...
now...i have been black all my life...let me clarify...i have been the blackest member of my family all my life...however...i was never made to feel as if that were a bad thing...i was never singled out in a bad way about my complexion...of course...my grandfather used to call me 'old black ass gal'...but he was almost as black as me...so i never took it as an insult...
it was surprising to me to read this book and find people SO caught up in skin tone...i guess...i'm saying all of this to say...that while living in my black skin is something that i realize is a part of my identity...my particular color of black has never been something that caused me any real issues...i've never wanted to be light skinned, hi-yella, red boned, pecan tan, mocoa brown...or any of the other wonderful adjectives that can be used to describe black skin....
my family is a rainbow of pretty brown people...from the light bright to the dark brown...
and i love my beautiful black skin....just like i love my beautiful black people...and u are truly beautiful creations....
5.31.2004
i'm having a monday...
i started off last week determined not to complain...today...that is SO not the case...i am really hatin' life this morning...i DID NOT want to get out of bed...i DO NOT want to go to work...i CANNOT find that cheerful, perky, pleasant Professional that lives somewhere inside me...hopefully...by the time i actually get to the office...the Professional...or something that closely resembles her will have surfaced...but...alas...enough about me...
tell me about the fabulous long weekend that all of u had....the same weekend that i spent in the house the entire time...trying to medicate and sleep off a sinus infection....the highlight of my weekend...the two hours that i spent lusting over mos def with joji on sunday night...even joj admitted that SHE would have to give it up to mos...Ab-so-damn-lutely amazing....
tell me about the fabulous long weekend that all of u had....the same weekend that i spent in the house the entire time...trying to medicate and sleep off a sinus infection....the highlight of my weekend...the two hours that i spent lusting over mos def with joji on sunday night...even joj admitted that SHE would have to give it up to mos...Ab-so-damn-lutely amazing....
5.27.2004
dreams do come true...
My girl...congratulations....i am as proud of her as i would be of my best friend's sister's boyfriend's baby cousin....
seeing fantasia's dream come true...motivates me to get back on the grind...working on my OWN dreams...i have been working on a few business plans and developing some ideas...but i have been distracted...so...if i am not posting as frequently during the day...it ain't cause i don't love u guys...it's cause i'm working on my exit plan...performing the due diligence that is required to make things happen...
btw...i may be asking for ur support....
seeing fantasia's dream come true...motivates me to get back on the grind...working on my OWN dreams...i have been working on a few business plans and developing some ideas...but i have been distracted...so...if i am not posting as frequently during the day...it ain't cause i don't love u guys...it's cause i'm working on my exit plan...performing the due diligence that is required to make things happen...
btw...i may be asking for ur support....
5.26.2004
the problem w/ black folks...did cos call it right?
Cosby, Saying the Darndest Things
" Bill Cosby was anything but politically correct in his remarks Monday night at a Constitution Hall bash commemorating the 50th anniversary of the Brown v. Board of Education decision. To astonishment, laughter and applause, Cosby mocked everything from urban fashion to black spending and speaking habits.
"Ladies and gentlemen, the lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal," he declared. "These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids -- $500 sneakers for what? And won't spend $200 for 'Hooked on Phonics.' . . .
"They're standing on the corner and they can't speak English," he exclaimed. "I can't even talk the way these people talk: 'Why you ain't,' 'Where you is' . . . And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk. And then I heard the father talk. . . . Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. . . . You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth!"
The Post's Hamil Harris reports that Cosby also turned his wrath to "the incarcerated," saying: "These are not political criminals. These are people going around stealing Coca-Cola. People getting shot in the back of the head over a piece of pound cake and then we run out and we are outraged, [saying] 'The cops shouldn't have shot him.' What the hell was he doing with the pound cake in his hand?"
When Cosby finally concluded, Howard University President H. Patrick Swygert, NAACP President Kweisi Mfume and NAACP legal defense fund head Theodore Shaw came to the podium looking stone-faced. Shaw told the crowd that most people on welfare are not African American, and many of the problems his organization has addressed in the black community were not self-inflicted....
what is the problem w/ black folks?....
" Bill Cosby was anything but politically correct in his remarks Monday night at a Constitution Hall bash commemorating the 50th anniversary of the Brown v. Board of Education decision. To astonishment, laughter and applause, Cosby mocked everything from urban fashion to black spending and speaking habits.
"Ladies and gentlemen, the lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal," he declared. "These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids -- $500 sneakers for what? And won't spend $200 for 'Hooked on Phonics.' . . .
"They're standing on the corner and they can't speak English," he exclaimed. "I can't even talk the way these people talk: 'Why you ain't,' 'Where you is' . . . And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk. And then I heard the father talk. . . . Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. . . . You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth!"
The Post's Hamil Harris reports that Cosby also turned his wrath to "the incarcerated," saying: "These are not political criminals. These are people going around stealing Coca-Cola. People getting shot in the back of the head over a piece of pound cake and then we run out and we are outraged, [saying] 'The cops shouldn't have shot him.' What the hell was he doing with the pound cake in his hand?"
When Cosby finally concluded, Howard University President H. Patrick Swygert, NAACP President Kweisi Mfume and NAACP legal defense fund head Theodore Shaw came to the podium looking stone-faced. Shaw told the crowd that most people on welfare are not African American, and many of the problems his organization has addressed in the black community were not self-inflicted....
what is the problem w/ black folks?....
5.24.2004
monday morning...
i am not going to start the week off complaining...i am going to be grateful that i have a job to go to...grateful that i have a house whose mortgage needs to be paid...grateful that i have a truck whose payment MUST be made...there are those who do not have these things...that are hoping and wishing and praying, even....for things that i often take for granted...sometimes...i have to remind myself that there are people who would kill for the problems that i THINK i have...at the same time...i have had to remind others that although my lot in life might not be the same as urs...my burdens are just as heavy to me as urs are to u...
so...i start this week off with a prayer for myself, my bfam and friends and my family...may this week find u with ur steps ordered, ur way just a little easier and ur burdens just a little lighter...may ur higher power bless u...may u walk in favor...and may u taste joy unspeakable...
so...i start this week off with a prayer for myself, my bfam and friends and my family...may this week find u with ur steps ordered, ur way just a little easier and ur burdens just a little lighter...may ur higher power bless u...may u walk in favor...and may u taste joy unspeakable...
5.19.2004
lost it...got it back...moving forward...
mailman and i are back on the right track...yesterday...the relationship experienced some growing pains...last night...he made up beautifully...we have a greater understanding on the issue...
in our conversation regarding yesterday's issue...something else came up...
friends of the opposite sex...
i told him that i didn't have a problem w/ him having female friends...and i don't w/ conditions...i know...i sound like mia w/ her rules...at any rate...the conditions are that he is not hiding friendships from me...that i am properly introduced when appropriate...not that he has to go out of his way to introduce me to his friends...just if we happen to encounter one of his friends...i expect to be acknowledged...that he does not make me feel like i CAN'T be around him and his female friends...
he says that his last gf was threatened by his friendships w/ females...it's funny...as much as i have issues with trust...this is not a hang up of mine...go figure...
in our conversation regarding yesterday's issue...something else came up...
friends of the opposite sex...
i told him that i didn't have a problem w/ him having female friends...and i don't w/ conditions...i know...i sound like mia w/ her rules...at any rate...the conditions are that he is not hiding friendships from me...that i am properly introduced when appropriate...not that he has to go out of his way to introduce me to his friends...just if we happen to encounter one of his friends...i expect to be acknowledged...that he does not make me feel like i CAN'T be around him and his female friends...
he says that his last gf was threatened by his friendships w/ females...it's funny...as much as i have issues with trust...this is not a hang up of mine...go figure...
addictions...
my mother's husband is a drug addict...
i wish that she would walk away from him...but she won't....sure....she says that she gets fed up...but...she's not going anywhere...
i used to try to encourage her to get away from the madness...his stealing from her...she used to have to keep my baby sister's new clothes at a friend's house to keep him from stealing them and selling them for drugs...he will disappear for days at a time...and return and act as if he were never gone...
i know they say u have to let a person go thru a thing until THEY get tired...but damn...
my mom called me sunday night to say that he had stolen all of the money that she had for gas and groceries to get to thru the week...so...guess who has to send my mother money so my 10 year old sister will have lunch money this week?..how pissed am i?...
i feel as if i am enabling him by supporting my mother when he steals from her...what is a daughter to do?
i wish that she would walk away from him...but she won't....sure....she says that she gets fed up...but...she's not going anywhere...
i used to try to encourage her to get away from the madness...his stealing from her...she used to have to keep my baby sister's new clothes at a friend's house to keep him from stealing them and selling them for drugs...he will disappear for days at a time...and return and act as if he were never gone...
i know they say u have to let a person go thru a thing until THEY get tired...but damn...
my mom called me sunday night to say that he had stolen all of the money that she had for gas and groceries to get to thru the week...so...guess who has to send my mother money so my 10 year old sister will have lunch money this week?..how pissed am i?...
i feel as if i am enabling him by supporting my mother when he steals from her...what is a daughter to do?
5.17.2004
forbidden fruit...
i am sleepy as hell this morning...if i didn't have some cover my ass kind of work to do this morning...i would have stayed my ass home in the bed...
ATL was having a Traffic Event this morning...coming in on the 75/85 was crazy...and please tell me y this guy driving a red grand prix was sitting in traffic asleep...cars were just passing his ass on the left shoulder and i'm thinking that there is something wrong w/ his car...wrong...he had his head back, mouth open and was knocked out...i have officially seen it ALL...
here is my issue this morning....
why are people always talking about they can't find a good man or a good woman, but always want to pursue someone who is already in a relationship? then...when they just so happen to get w/ that person...and the relationship is horrible and they are unhappy...they start tripping...i mean...didn't they get exactly what they asked for?...a relationship w/ someone who will lie and cheat?...u ALREADY knew when u asked to meet her/him that this person had a gf or bf or husband or wife or whatever...y not just respect the relationship and move on?...
and of course, it goes the other way....i have friends who are married or in relationships that are always into something...talking about "ain't nothing wrong w/ having friends"...i guess there is just something about the grass appearing to be greener...my thing is...pick some grass and stick with it...
it takes forever to build a relationship that lasts forever...
ATL was having a Traffic Event this morning...coming in on the 75/85 was crazy...and please tell me y this guy driving a red grand prix was sitting in traffic asleep...cars were just passing his ass on the left shoulder and i'm thinking that there is something wrong w/ his car...wrong...he had his head back, mouth open and was knocked out...i have officially seen it ALL...
here is my issue this morning....
why are people always talking about they can't find a good man or a good woman, but always want to pursue someone who is already in a relationship? then...when they just so happen to get w/ that person...and the relationship is horrible and they are unhappy...they start tripping...i mean...didn't they get exactly what they asked for?...a relationship w/ someone who will lie and cheat?...u ALREADY knew when u asked to meet her/him that this person had a gf or bf or husband or wife or whatever...y not just respect the relationship and move on?...
and of course, it goes the other way....i have friends who are married or in relationships that are always into something...talking about "ain't nothing wrong w/ having friends"...i guess there is just something about the grass appearing to be greener...my thing is...pick some grass and stick with it...
it takes forever to build a relationship that lasts forever...
5.15.2004
some of my dreams and aspirations...and some shit i just want...
Improve tennis game
Get Paid to Teach Resume Writing Class and Interviewing Classes
Learn about the cemetery at Cleveland Ave Exit on I75 South
Be debt free except mortgage in three years or less
Own a complete set of designer luggage with a lifetime guarantee
Secure financing to market resume business as a full time venture
Have a monthly income of at least $5,000 from a residual income source
Own real estate as an investment
Invest in stock market monthly for the long term
Invest in mutual funds monthly for the long term
Build emergency fund to hold $10,000
Pay off mortgage for house on Post Oak Road in 7 years or less
Be a guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show
Become a licensed real estate agent
Write a book
Become a millionaire with a net worth of at least $10mil
Maintain a good credit rating
Own a beauty salon and a barbershop as investment property
Develop invention idea
Own extensive music collection - mainly R&B
Own extensive movie collection - mostly Black movies and actors
Start a scholarship fund
Start a foundation - Cat's Kids
Stay in Great Physical Condition
Landscaping for front yard
Vacation trip quarterly
Own a vacation home or timeshare on the east coast
Get Paid to Teach Resume Writing Class and Interviewing Classes
Learn about the cemetery at Cleveland Ave Exit on I75 South
Be debt free except mortgage in three years or less
Own a complete set of designer luggage with a lifetime guarantee
Secure financing to market resume business as a full time venture
Have a monthly income of at least $5,000 from a residual income source
Own real estate as an investment
Invest in stock market monthly for the long term
Invest in mutual funds monthly for the long term
Build emergency fund to hold $10,000
Pay off mortgage for house on Post Oak Road in 7 years or less
Be a guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show
Become a licensed real estate agent
Write a book
Become a millionaire with a net worth of at least $10mil
Maintain a good credit rating
Own a beauty salon and a barbershop as investment property
Develop invention idea
Own extensive music collection - mainly R&B
Own extensive movie collection - mostly Black movies and actors
Start a scholarship fund
Start a foundation - Cat's Kids
Stay in Great Physical Condition
Landscaping for front yard
Vacation trip quarterly
Own a vacation home or timeshare on the east coast
5.14.2004
responding to vq...
Virgin Queen, I received your email and chose to respond in this manner:
Mostly, my comment on MIA's blog yesterday was in jest. You'd have to know me personally to understand my dry humor and razor sharp wit. (Okay, I'm laughing at my-damn-self here.) However, there IS a part of you that will NEVER be able to relate to most of the commentors on the blog.
Did you understand the MarcusDdixon reference? What are your feelings on the Marcus Dixon case?
I know that we have mentioned it briefly on the blog. I don't know if you have commented on it or not. Basically, your comment yesterday about it being crazy in the South was one that I know that you made humorously. However, I read it and was immediately taken to a place that only people who look like me can relate to - a South that you probably have no clue that it exists.
Trying to wrap this up here.
Basically, you seem like a fairly intelligent young woman. You have had some interesting life experiences. Given all that., there is one experience that you will never be able to have - what it's like to be Black in America. And in this particular case - the Marcus Dixon case - what it's like to be a young Black man in the South. And even more to the point - a young black man in Georgia. A state where so many of it's people absolutely re-fucking-fuse to get over the Civil War and strongly believe that the perceived heritage of the Rebel Flag is a valid reason for mocking an entire people. They don't understand that it is a symbol of hate - no different than the Swastikas on the flags of Hitler's Germany.
Anyway, back to Marcus - a young man poised for great success, but brought to his knees by a young lady probably not too much different from u.
imo...this young lady was intrigued by who md was...a good looking, popular, outgoing high school athlete w/ a very promising future...a man who represents 2 of the most popular trends in america today...the hip hop culture and the lifestyle of the athlete...she did not think past that...she did not consider the reaction of her parents if her actions were made known...she was caught up doing what she wanted to do when she wanted to do it...and with whom...at the point that she was discovered...she took a role that many like her have for decades before...and who was believed?...who's life was destroyed?..
vq...i could go on...but i don't know that i will ever make u understand the dichotomy of race relations in america...and how it seriously affects people who look like me when most of the time...people who look like u don't ever have to give it a second thought...
i said all of that to say that my comments were not a direct dig at u...but an observation about the state of america in general...and as i always say...when it comes to the blog...don't take this shit personal...it ain't that damned deep...in fact...i kind of like u...ur cool w/ me...u will just never understand my reality...
Mostly, my comment on MIA's blog yesterday was in jest. You'd have to know me personally to understand my dry humor and razor sharp wit. (Okay, I'm laughing at my-damn-self here.) However, there IS a part of you that will NEVER be able to relate to most of the commentors on the blog.
Did you understand the MarcusDdixon reference? What are your feelings on the Marcus Dixon case?
I know that we have mentioned it briefly on the blog. I don't know if you have commented on it or not. Basically, your comment yesterday about it being crazy in the South was one that I know that you made humorously. However, I read it and was immediately taken to a place that only people who look like me can relate to - a South that you probably have no clue that it exists.
Trying to wrap this up here.
Basically, you seem like a fairly intelligent young woman. You have had some interesting life experiences. Given all that., there is one experience that you will never be able to have - what it's like to be Black in America. And in this particular case - the Marcus Dixon case - what it's like to be a young Black man in the South. And even more to the point - a young black man in Georgia. A state where so many of it's people absolutely re-fucking-fuse to get over the Civil War and strongly believe that the perceived heritage of the Rebel Flag is a valid reason for mocking an entire people. They don't understand that it is a symbol of hate - no different than the Swastikas on the flags of Hitler's Germany.
Anyway, back to Marcus - a young man poised for great success, but brought to his knees by a young lady probably not too much different from u.
imo...this young lady was intrigued by who md was...a good looking, popular, outgoing high school athlete w/ a very promising future...a man who represents 2 of the most popular trends in america today...the hip hop culture and the lifestyle of the athlete...she did not think past that...she did not consider the reaction of her parents if her actions were made known...she was caught up doing what she wanted to do when she wanted to do it...and with whom...at the point that she was discovered...she took a role that many like her have for decades before...and who was believed?...who's life was destroyed?..
vq...i could go on...but i don't know that i will ever make u understand the dichotomy of race relations in america...and how it seriously affects people who look like me when most of the time...people who look like u don't ever have to give it a second thought...
i said all of that to say that my comments were not a direct dig at u...but an observation about the state of america in general...and as i always say...when it comes to the blog...don't take this shit personal...it ain't that damned deep...in fact...i kind of like u...ur cool w/ me...u will just never understand my reality...
5.13.2004
i could kill a bitch...
all that little cutsie corporate america professional bullshit is about to go out the window...i hate this fuckin' bitch...what the fuck?..she acts like she is paying me this bullshit ass hourly rate out of her fuckin pocket...i am REALLY ready to give her my ass to kiss...her ass is just shitty b/c i can do this fuckin job blindfolded with one hand tied behind my back and STILL make it look easy while her fuckin ass is strugglin...
it has probably never occurred to her that if she would stop trying to be in charge of everything and everybody and just concentrate on her job...she wouldn't be walking around here stressed and looking like a chicken w/ its fuckin head cut off...
i want to tell her so bad...bitch...stay out of my shit...let me do my god-damned job...i can manage my own shit w/ out ur assistance...stank u very fuckin much...in fact...u need to leave me the fuck alone b4 i have ur job....
it has probably never occurred to her that if she would stop trying to be in charge of everything and everybody and just concentrate on her job...she wouldn't be walking around here stressed and looking like a chicken w/ its fuckin head cut off...
i want to tell her so bad...bitch...stay out of my shit...let me do my god-damned job...i can manage my own shit w/ out ur assistance...stank u very fuckin much...in fact...u need to leave me the fuck alone b4 i have ur job....
i love phucking you...
i luv phuckin u...
u'r shit is so good...
i would phuck u
as a full time job if i could
when u r lickin and stickin
and phuckin me right...
i can barely get thru my day
trying to get 2 u at night...
when u'r not around
phucking u is on my mind
why don't u swing by my spot
and give me a little time?
i'm ur lady in the streets
ur freak in the bed
i love licking u there
and giving u head..
u know i'm loving it,
how good u feel in my mouth
and the juices overflow
when u head due south
whether doing it missionary
or freakin doggy style
keep doing what u do
it drives me wild
i love phuckin u
how u stick and move
i can't wait to see u
and get back in the groove
u'r shit is so good...
i would phuck u
as a full time job if i could
when u r lickin and stickin
and phuckin me right...
i can barely get thru my day
trying to get 2 u at night...
when u'r not around
phucking u is on my mind
why don't u swing by my spot
and give me a little time?
i'm ur lady in the streets
ur freak in the bed
i love licking u there
and giving u head..
u know i'm loving it,
how good u feel in my mouth
and the juices overflow
when u head due south
whether doing it missionary
or freakin doggy style
keep doing what u do
it drives me wild
i love phuckin u
how u stick and move
i can't wait to see u
and get back in the groove
5.11.2004
The Mailman ALWAYS Delivers...
since my last post about my new buddy...i figured it was time for me to stop procrastinating on my post about y i am TOTALLY digging the mailman...there are so many reasons...how do i love thee, let me count the ways....
first off...physically...everyone knows what they are attracted to in the opposite sex and what kind of physical characteristics they are lkg for in a mate...often...u will compromise in one area b/c u are attracted in another area...w/ Mailman...there is no compromise...at all...anywhere....he is tall...6'2'...w/ me being 5'10...this is perfect...he is light skinned...now - i don't discriminate against the brothers...but...there ain't nothing in this world like a light skinned man..he has light brown eyes...that speaks for itself...he has a beautiful face and a perfect smile....he is physically fit...the boy ain't got no fat nowhere on his body...he works out regularly...has those broad shoulders that taper into the perfect waist...he has beautifully shaped hands...his body is perfectly proportioned...his manhood...i won't be too explicit here...but i will say that it curves to fit my nahnny perfectly...and he always hits that spot....
and i guess that takes me to sexually...we are totally in tune sexually...i have not a single complaint...he is attentive to my needs...he is into foreplay...he is adventurous...he is romantic...i could go on with this...let me just sum it up by saying...bruhman puts it down....
he is available emotionally...he came out of a two-year relationship at the beginning of the year...inititally, i was leary of being the 'rebound girl'...but...he really is proving himself to be 100% present in the relationship....
intellectually...he is a thinker...i like how sometimes...i can say something...and he will ask me a question about my comments that take the conversation in a whole different direction...i like the fact that he actually has a thought process (can ya' feel me here?)...he is not a shallow man....
he's a great father...he has joint custody of his daughter and is handling those responsibilties beautifully...
he is employed...with benefits...'nuff said...
he likes my cooking...he's loves the fact that i keep his fav beer in my fridge...i have to mention that he is LOVING my big screen...
we have fun when we are together...our vibe is relaxed and natural...he is a real down to earth kind of dude...he calls me his 'ride or die chick'...that is when he isn't calling me 'ma'...that is so sexy to me...
his voice is deep and soulful...i can just listen to him talk for hours...
he thinks that i am fine as hell...he's always going on about my breasts and my tight, firm ass...is against the lipo...but says that it's my body and he will support whatever my decision is...but that i am already fine....
one of the most important things tho...right now...is that he meets me where i am...he is giving me just as much energy as i am giving him...
i'll probably come back and update this post...there is so much to say about this man...
i think i'm falling for a man named nakia
when we first met, who knew this could be a
relationship that could lead me to see a
future with him and a love that's for real...
first off...physically...everyone knows what they are attracted to in the opposite sex and what kind of physical characteristics they are lkg for in a mate...often...u will compromise in one area b/c u are attracted in another area...w/ Mailman...there is no compromise...at all...anywhere....he is tall...6'2'...w/ me being 5'10...this is perfect...he is light skinned...now - i don't discriminate against the brothers...but...there ain't nothing in this world like a light skinned man..he has light brown eyes...that speaks for itself...he has a beautiful face and a perfect smile....he is physically fit...the boy ain't got no fat nowhere on his body...he works out regularly...has those broad shoulders that taper into the perfect waist...he has beautifully shaped hands...his body is perfectly proportioned...his manhood...i won't be too explicit here...but i will say that it curves to fit my nahnny perfectly...and he always hits that spot....
and i guess that takes me to sexually...we are totally in tune sexually...i have not a single complaint...he is attentive to my needs...he is into foreplay...he is adventurous...he is romantic...i could go on with this...let me just sum it up by saying...bruhman puts it down....
he is available emotionally...he came out of a two-year relationship at the beginning of the year...inititally, i was leary of being the 'rebound girl'...but...he really is proving himself to be 100% present in the relationship....
intellectually...he is a thinker...i like how sometimes...i can say something...and he will ask me a question about my comments that take the conversation in a whole different direction...i like the fact that he actually has a thought process (can ya' feel me here?)...he is not a shallow man....
he's a great father...he has joint custody of his daughter and is handling those responsibilties beautifully...
he is employed...with benefits...'nuff said...
he likes my cooking...he's loves the fact that i keep his fav beer in my fridge...i have to mention that he is LOVING my big screen...
we have fun when we are together...our vibe is relaxed and natural...he is a real down to earth kind of dude...he calls me his 'ride or die chick'...that is when he isn't calling me 'ma'...that is so sexy to me...
his voice is deep and soulful...i can just listen to him talk for hours...
he thinks that i am fine as hell...he's always going on about my breasts and my tight, firm ass...is against the lipo...but says that it's my body and he will support whatever my decision is...but that i am already fine....
one of the most important things tho...right now...is that he meets me where i am...he is giving me just as much energy as i am giving him...
i'll probably come back and update this post...there is so much to say about this man...
i think i'm falling for a man named nakia
when we first met, who knew this could be a
relationship that could lead me to see a
future with him and a love that's for real...
My NEW Buddy
Last week, I met someone who TOTALLY turned my head.
And i do mean totally.
I was on overload. He is sexy in a way that is subtle - his confidence, his smile, that slightly naughty, slightly suggestive look in his eyes.
Yep, I was really feeling buddy.
Mailman was out of town this weekend. So, I had an opportunity to spend some time with this person. We met and spent a couple of hours on the patio of a Mexican restaurant just talking, flirting, getting to know one another, trading war stories.
My curiosity about who he is was satisfied in a perfectly acceptable way.
At the end of the two hours, we parted as friends. And I believe we have an understanding. I think that we both respect the attraction that is there, but we are mature enough to leave it where it is.
And i do mean totally.
I was on overload. He is sexy in a way that is subtle - his confidence, his smile, that slightly naughty, slightly suggestive look in his eyes.
Yep, I was really feeling buddy.
Mailman was out of town this weekend. So, I had an opportunity to spend some time with this person. We met and spent a couple of hours on the patio of a Mexican restaurant just talking, flirting, getting to know one another, trading war stories.
My curiosity about who he is was satisfied in a perfectly acceptable way.
At the end of the two hours, we parted as friends. And I believe we have an understanding. I think that we both respect the attraction that is there, but we are mature enough to leave it where it is.
5.07.2004
random thoughts...
929a...my soulmate...if i could give more than everything...that's what i'd want to give...
952a...intellectual intimacy...w/o it...my soul will ache...
1020a...if ur not giving me as much as i am giving u...y am i doing what i am doing at all?
10:23a...u didn't start out as my soulmate...but in time u became the other part of who i am...b/c ur loving my soul like i'm loving urs...
10:38a...how do i fill the void left in my heart when ur soul did not recognize mine?..u were so close to me physically...but so far away from me emotionally...that the connection we should have had mentally...never came to be...my entire being mourns...
1112a...from my eyes fall raindrops...the circus music never stops...i shout ur name from mountaintops...my soul bleeds little chocolate drops
1151a...it's like reading a book w/ no title...no plot...no direction...how do u follow the story when ur making it up as u go along?..
1205p...even when i'm standing in front of the world w/ a smile on my face..b/c u know my soul...u hear me screaming on the inside...
157p...if i didn't say goodbye when i left...would u even realize i was gone?..
952a...intellectual intimacy...w/o it...my soul will ache...
1020a...if ur not giving me as much as i am giving u...y am i doing what i am doing at all?
10:23a...u didn't start out as my soulmate...but in time u became the other part of who i am...b/c ur loving my soul like i'm loving urs...
10:38a...how do i fill the void left in my heart when ur soul did not recognize mine?..u were so close to me physically...but so far away from me emotionally...that the connection we should have had mentally...never came to be...my entire being mourns...
1112a...from my eyes fall raindrops...the circus music never stops...i shout ur name from mountaintops...my soul bleeds little chocolate drops
1151a...it's like reading a book w/ no title...no plot...no direction...how do u follow the story when ur making it up as u go along?..
1205p...even when i'm standing in front of the world w/ a smile on my face..b/c u know my soul...u hear me screaming on the inside...
157p...if i didn't say goodbye when i left...would u even realize i was gone?..
5.06.2004
Playing in the Park
ok...so i'm in the park yesterday...and i was REALLY feeling the vibe...nice weather...great music...beautiful black ppl EVERYWHERE...i had a ball window shopping, flirting and just hanging out...
it's funny, but whenever i go to centennial park for an event...i run into my former booty buddy...he was looking fine as usual...we spent a few minutes complementing each other, making small talk...then i went on my way...
how shocked was i when my phone rang last night and it was buddy....trying to get an invite to my crib...
it's crazy b/c he and i haven't been together like that in at least two years, if not more....it was flattering...in a way...but...i turned down his offer...not only b/c of nick...but b/c i knew that i wanted more from buddy than just sex...don't get me wrong...it was very good sex, but...i had begun to want more from him than good sex and had come to a point in my life where i wanted to move past that kind of relationship...
and i told him just that...he responded that he could see more happening between us...i ended up telling him that i feel like were just one of those things that probably could happen beautifully because we have the potential to be VERY good together...
he is a successful real estate broker, 30something, never married, no kids, well traveled, outgoing, tall enough, educated, cultured, fine as hell, handsome, great personality, i mean really...a total package...
but b/c of the timing issues that we've always had...it's probably just not meant to be...and because of that, our best move would be to maintain a simple friendship and leave all that physical past in the past...
i also ran into the distinguished older gentlman that i dated briefly a few years back...he was all over me, telling me about this multi-million dollar contract that he has been awarded and that he really has been meaning to call me b/c he's been thinking about me a lot lately...
yeah, right...i mean really...
he and i spent quite a bit of time together over about six months more than four years ago...and i used to tell him that he was more involved in serving the constituents than he was in developing our relationship...which i couldn't be mad...i just needed him to make our relationship a priority and for whatever reason, he couldn't or wouldn't...
a few month back, he and i talked...he has a very different take on things...he told me that he had been totally crazy about me and never knew how i felt about him and didn't think that i was emotionally into him...
oh, well...it seems that w/ both of these guys...we were never on the same page at the same time...sometimes, i was certain that we were not even reading from the same book...
and that okay, because sometimes that's just the way things happen....
can't wait to see what adventures i find the next time i am playing in the park...
it's funny, but whenever i go to centennial park for an event...i run into my former booty buddy...he was looking fine as usual...we spent a few minutes complementing each other, making small talk...then i went on my way...
how shocked was i when my phone rang last night and it was buddy....trying to get an invite to my crib...
it's crazy b/c he and i haven't been together like that in at least two years, if not more....it was flattering...in a way...but...i turned down his offer...not only b/c of nick...but b/c i knew that i wanted more from buddy than just sex...don't get me wrong...it was very good sex, but...i had begun to want more from him than good sex and had come to a point in my life where i wanted to move past that kind of relationship...
and i told him just that...he responded that he could see more happening between us...i ended up telling him that i feel like were just one of those things that probably could happen beautifully because we have the potential to be VERY good together...
he is a successful real estate broker, 30something, never married, no kids, well traveled, outgoing, tall enough, educated, cultured, fine as hell, handsome, great personality, i mean really...a total package...
but b/c of the timing issues that we've always had...it's probably just not meant to be...and because of that, our best move would be to maintain a simple friendship and leave all that physical past in the past...
i also ran into the distinguished older gentlman that i dated briefly a few years back...he was all over me, telling me about this multi-million dollar contract that he has been awarded and that he really has been meaning to call me b/c he's been thinking about me a lot lately...
yeah, right...i mean really...
he and i spent quite a bit of time together over about six months more than four years ago...and i used to tell him that he was more involved in serving the constituents than he was in developing our relationship...which i couldn't be mad...i just needed him to make our relationship a priority and for whatever reason, he couldn't or wouldn't...
a few month back, he and i talked...he has a very different take on things...he told me that he had been totally crazy about me and never knew how i felt about him and didn't think that i was emotionally into him...
oh, well...it seems that w/ both of these guys...we were never on the same page at the same time...sometimes, i was certain that we were not even reading from the same book...
and that okay, because sometimes that's just the way things happen....
can't wait to see what adventures i find the next time i am playing in the park...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)