it hurts that my blog family isn't my blog family anymore...i miss the daily interaction with them and the one on one and in person get togethers...
i must accept my part in what happened to change things and who knows...maybe it's all my fault...
but...never in all my life have i felt so excluded from the inner circle...i have always just taken for granted my right to belong...in any place, situation...at the center of attention...not that i have a overblown desire for the spotlight...but because i love the interaction with other people...
we are all connected...and that connection breathes life into my soul...and the severing of this connection pains me...in ways...
at times...i want to get down on hands and knees and beg and kiss any ass that i need to kiss to be again considered 'friend'...
then other times...i am angry...and questioning...why was i so discounted as a person that an entire group of people could just seemingly turn their backs on me and pretend that i don't exist?
it hurts...it really, really hurts...and that is the truth that i've been trying to avoid...
but my avoidance...doesn't make it not true...
6 comments:
this is a test...
Mic test, test test, is this thing on? Mic test.
oh, reminds me of an earlier life.
LOL
i suppose it helps in some small way to admit the hurt. keeping it in seems to make it even more painful and it feels free-ing (is that a word?) to say it, claim it and move forward.
i wish you peace chica.....
Well I guess I might as well tell the truth too.
The thing is, you weren't discounted as a person - but you did display characteristics that caused some to stop calling you friend.
When you hurt folks emotionally and do it intentionally, its hard for folks to just let you back into that place in their hearts. You had people that love you and believed in you - even more than you believed in yourself and you let them down. People that supported your efforts to get your book published because we all believed in your talents. When you decided to be a Christian - no one pressured you to be perfect, you put that pressure on yourself. But it was the judgmental comments towards others and the hypocrisy in your own life that showed us, your blogfam that you really weren't the person we thought you were. Perhaps I shouldn't say we and just say I.
It was like you were the Wiz and once you were revealed - instead of admitting your mistakes, your first response was to lash out at someone that loved you and only wanted the best for you. It wasn't what you said - but the fact that you said it with the goal to hurt me. That crap hurts and I'll be damned if I'm going to open myself to be hurt like that again.
Believe it or not, I still consider you family - but just like some of my blood family members, I can't call you friend. I still pray for you and I pray that you will find peace within yourself. I pray that you will learn to love yourself for who YOU are - but that requires that you seek to know you. All I wish for you is peace.
OK I feel like shyt! I have NO excuse whatsoever for not keeping in touch with you...NONE. You were nothing but nice to me from jump and I feel like a heel for not keeping in contact with you. Please accept my apologies and know that it was not intentional. But I promise to do better.
No one can make you feel inferior without your permission. I feel you on the exclusion thing CSC...keep your head up! :D
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