For some reason, in relationships, we come to a point where we stop being completely honest. You start holding back and stop saying things that you might say ordinarily. Why? Is it because at the point that your emotions become involved that you start to be afraid that the whole truth will sabatoge the relationship? or Is it because you start to care enough about your partner's feelings that you hold back some of the more extreme parts of who you are because you're so determined to keep the relationship in the middle of the road?
I do believe that Nick and I are at that point. I have stopped being honest.
So, right here, right now, let me be very honest. Nick and I have been dating for about four months and I have fallen in love. I already know that I want to be this man's wife and the mother to his children. I love who he is and who he makes me want to be. I am ready to cut ALL the bullshit and start looking to a future together. I realize that it takes forever to build a relationship that lasts forever and I am ready to start working on forever. I would marry this man tomorrow.
Now, I know that some of you might say, "Whoa, C, pump your brakes. You're moving too fast. You're going to scare him away." You know I just might and if that's the case, so be it. But I've been laying in bed since 5am thinking about the fact that in the last few weeks, I have felt like I've not been true to myself. I have been holding back on some of the things that I want to express to Nick. When really, what I should be doing is telling him exactly where I live.
Upfront, I told him that I was dating with the intent of getting married. I am not dating just to be dating or just to have a man in my life. That is still very much the case. And if he can't meet me where I am, then maybe I should be in another place.
It has not helped matters that he and I haven't spent as much time together in the last few weeks, that I've had to deal with a major crisis and that he's had his daughter for the last week and that has seriously limited our ability to be together. And quite frankly, I FEEL like I've been put back into a rotation.
Emotionally, I have come to a fork in the road. Do I just pick up the fork, find a spoon and keep going? or Do I pause to make some tough decisions about how to handle the situation and which path to take? How long do you linger in a relationship that is just okay?
I know that whatever I put out to Nick that I've got to be prepared for how it comes back at me.
Or maybe this is just Crazy talking on a Wednesday morning.
