the fork in the road...

For some reason, in relationships, we come to a point where we stop being completely honest. You start holding back and stop saying things that you might say ordinarily. Why? Is it because at the point that your emotions become involved that you start to be afraid that the whole truth will sabatoge the relationship? or Is it because you start to care enough about your partner's feelings that you hold back some of the more extreme parts of who you are because you're so determined to keep the relationship in the middle of the road?

I do believe that Nick and I are at that point. I have stopped being honest.

So, right here, right now, let me be very honest. Nick and I have been dating for about four months and I have fallen in love. I already know that I want to be this man's wife and the mother to his children. I love who he is and who he makes me want to be. I am ready to cut ALL the bullshit and start looking to a future together. I realize that it takes forever to build a relationship that lasts forever and I am ready to start working on forever. I would marry this man tomorrow.

Now, I know that some of you might say, "Whoa, C, pump your brakes. You're moving too fast. You're going to scare him away." You know I just might and if that's the case, so be it. But I've been laying in bed since 5am thinking about the fact that in the last few weeks, I have felt like I've not been true to myself. I have been holding back on some of the things that I want to express to Nick. When really, what I should be doing is telling him exactly where I live.

Upfront, I told him that I was dating with the intent of getting married. I am not dating just to be dating or just to have a man in my life. That is still very much the case. And if he can't meet me where I am, then maybe I should be in another place.

It has not helped matters that he and I haven't spent as much time together in the last few weeks, that I've had to deal with a major crisis and that he's had his daughter for the last week and that has seriously limited our ability to be together. And quite frankly, I FEEL like I've been put back into a rotation.

Emotionally, I have come to a fork in the road. Do I just pick up the fork, find a spoon and keep going? or Do I pause to make some tough decisions about how to handle the situation and which path to take? How long do you linger in a relationship that is just okay?

I know that whatever I put out to Nick that I've got to be prepared for how it comes back at me.

Or maybe this is just Crazy talking on a Wednesday morning.

let them eat cake...or not...

Well the wedding is over and I think it the whole damn thing should have been over before it even started. Like good guests do, we arrived at the church at 3:50pm going to a four o'clock wedding. Who ever knew that the wedding was not going to start until 6:30pm? Talk about late, unorganized and thrown together.

By the time the happy couple and the wedding party finally arrived, my dad and I were nearing a HEAT STROKE from the 95 degrees temperature outside and the church being 159 degrees on the inside...with no air conditioning and one lonely little ceiling fan twirling 2 blades as hard as it could.

Once the sad little wedding started, it took longer for the wedding party to come in and get lined up than it did for the preacher to say the vows. The wedding party consisted of a maid of honor and first best man, a matron of honor and second best man, 6 bridesmaids and their attendants, 4 junior bridesmaids and their attendants, 3 flower girls and 2 ring bearers - one for his ring and one for hers.

I am sure the preacher didn't or couldn't remember who he was marrying because he could not get either one of their names right.

To make matters worse, we were presented with the newly wedded couple dressed in all white with tattoos covering the parts that fabric didn't.

How can this day be saved? (I know you are thinking what I was thinking) I am starving - I'm at a black wedding - at least the food will be good...NOPE!! Now why would you think such a thing? The food gave new meaning to the rap song from the Sugar Hill Gang.."The chicken taste like WOOD."

And please tell me how I got stuck serving the wedding party and the guests at the reception. The geniuses planning this fiasco paid her sister's cousin baby's daddy auntie to cook the food for the reception. However, no one gave any thought to how the food would be served. So, while everyone was looking at each other wondering what was the protocol for getting fed, I decided to take action. I was not going to faint from hunger waiting for these negroes to get done being cute and ghetto proper.

Then, of course, who needs cake at a wedding? I glad I am not the only one who thought this, because YEP!! No wedding cake...So we all just raised out glasses with the new couple with Fanta Grape Soda, offered our well wishes and danced the night away to a mixed CD that was purchased at the flea market on Old Nat'L. The CD was played on the stereo from the bride's grandmother's living room. Yes - the brought the whole damn rack system, speakers and all and set it up in the corner of the room.

Oh....the things we do for love.

Don't this little story make you want to just throw your self at the next person that walks in your life and say HEY Let's get married...invite all of our friends and family and ruin not only our Saturday but THEIRS too?

making up....a beautiful thing...

there really is a thin line between love and hate...........can i just tell ya?......b/c for as pissed off as i was yesterday..........today..........i am FEELIN' DA LUV!!!!!

of course.......the entire bfam was able yesterday to experience the wrath of csc and i was able to demonstrate what crazy looks like on an ordinary day....................the bfam members that were conferenced on yahoo last night.........were able to 'meet' mailman and take part in one of our livelier discussions.......btw........he really enjoyed that shit..........i want ya'll to know that i am officially placing those who sided w/ him on my list of people that i'm NOT TALKING TO FOR 2 HOURS...........now y'all know y'all could have backed me up..........

at any rate........nick says (shug.........i just had to throw one of those in there)..........that it's pretty tight how we hang out online.........he was really trippin' off of 2 and his webcam.............when we first logged on and before he realized that 2 couldn't hear him...........he was trying to talk back to 2's ass...........

at any rate...............we are cool now..............i guess it was another one of those growing pain days..............and can ANYONE tell me..............what in DA' HELL it is about make-up sex that just blows ur effin' mind?.............

brown skin...

my book club just finished reading 'reaching back' by nea simone...it was an interesting read...the story line was fabulous...the characters and the action alone made it a book that i couldn't put down...a real page turner...

however...the most important theme in the book did not center around a character or an incident...the driving plot point in this book was skin color...more specifically...light skin...and this family's obsession w/ light skin and passing for white...

now...i have been Black all my life...let me clarify...i have been one of the Blackest members of my family all my life...however...i was never made to feel as if that were a bad thing...i was never singled out in a bad way about my complexion...of course...my grandfather used to call me 'old black ass gal'...but he was almost as Black as me...so i never took it as an insult...

it was surprising to me to read this book and find people SO caught up in skin tone...i guess...i'm saying all of this to say...that while living in my Black skin is something that i realize is a part of my identity...my particular color of Black has never been something that caused me any real issues...i've never wanted to be ight kinned, hi-yella, red boned, pecan tan, mocoa brown...or any of the other wonderful adjectives that can be used to describe Black skin....

my family is a rainbow of pretty people...from the light bright to the dark brown...every shade you can imagine...

and i love my beautiful Black skin....just like i love my beautiful Black people...and u are truly beautiful creations....

i'm having a monday...

i started off last week determined not to complain...today...that is SO not the case...i am really hatin' life this morning...i DID NOT want to get out of bed...i DO NOT want to go to work...i CANNOT find that cheerful, perky, pleasant Professional that lives somewhere inside me...hopefully...by the time i actually get to the office...the Professional...or something that closely resembles her will have surfaced...but...alas...enough about me...

tell me about the fabulous long weekend that all of u had....the same weekend that i spent in the house the entire time...trying to medicate and sleep off a sinus infection....the highlight of my weekend...the two hours that i spent lusting over mos def with joji on sunday night...even joj admitted that SHE would have to give it up to mos...Ab-so-damn-lutely amazing....

dreams do come true...

My girl...congratulations....i am as proud of her as i would be of my best friend's sister's boyfriend's baby cousin....

seeing fantasia's dream come true...motivates me to get back on the grind...working on my OWN dreams...i have been working on a few business plans and developing some ideas...but i have been distracted...so...if i am not posting as frequently during the day...it ain't cause i don't love u guys...it's cause i'm working on my exit plan...performing the due diligence that is required to make things happen...

btw...i may be asking for ur support....

the problem w/ black folks...did cos call it right?

Cosby, Saying the Darndest Things

" Bill Cosby was anything but politically correct in his remarks Monday night at a Constitution Hall bash commemorating the 50th anniversary of the Brown v. Board of Education decision. To astonishment, laughter and applause, Cosby mocked everything from urban fashion to black spending and speaking habits.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal," he declared. "These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids -- $500 sneakers for what? And won't spend $200 for 'Hooked on Phonics.' . . .

"They're standing on the corner and they can't speak English," he exclaimed. "I can't even talk the way these people talk: 'Why you ain't,' 'Where you is' . . . And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk. And then I heard the father talk. . . . Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. . . . You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth!"

The Post's Hamil Harris reports that Cosby also turned his wrath to "the incarcerated," saying: "These are not political criminals. These are people going around stealing Coca-Cola. People getting shot in the back of the head over a piece of pound cake and then we run out and we are outraged, [saying] 'The cops shouldn't have shot him.' What the hell was he doing with the pound cake in his hand?"

When Cosby finally concluded, Howard University President H. Patrick Swygert, NAACP President Kweisi Mfume and NAACP legal defense fund head Theodore Shaw came to the podium looking stone-faced. Shaw told the crowd that most people on welfare are not African American, and many of the problems his organization has addressed in the black community were not self-inflicted....

what is the problem w/ black folks?....

monday morning...

i am not going to start the week off complaining...i am going to be grateful that i have a job to go to...grateful that i have a house whose mortgage needs to be paid...grateful that i have a truck whose payment MUST be made...there are those who do not have these things...that are hoping and wishing and praying, even....for things that i often take for granted...sometimes...i have to remind myself that there are people who would kill for the problems that i THINK i have...at the same time...i have had to remind others that although my lot in life might not be the same as urs...my burdens are just as heavy to me as urs are to u...

so...i start this week off with a prayer for myself, my bfam and friends and my family...may this week find u with ur steps ordered, ur way just a little easier and ur burdens just a little lighter...may ur higher power bless u...may u walk in favor...and may u taste joy unspeakable...

lost it...got it back...moving forward...

mailman and i are back on the right track...yesterday...the relationship experienced some growing pains...last night...he made up beautifully...we have a greater understanding on the issue...

in our conversation regarding yesterday's issue...something else came up...

friends of the opposite sex...

i told him that i didn't have a problem w/ him having female friends...and i don't w/ conditions...i know...i sound like mia w/ her rules...at any rate...the conditions are that he is not hiding friendships from me...that i am properly introduced when appropriate...not that he has to go out of his way to introduce me to his friends...just if we happen to encounter one of his friends...i expect to be acknowledged...that he does not make me feel like i CAN'T be around him and his female friends...

he says that his last gf was threatened by his friendships w/ females...it's funny...as much as i have issues with trust...this is not a hang up of mine...go figure...

addictions...

my mother's husband is a drug addict...

i wish that she would walk away from him...but she won't....sure....she says that she gets fed up...but...she's not going anywhere...

i used to try to encourage her to get away from the madness...his stealing from her...she used to have to keep my baby sister's new clothes at a friend's house to keep him from stealing them and selling them for drugs...he will disappear for days at a time...and return and act as if he were never gone...

i know they say u have to let a person go thru a thing until THEY get tired...but damn...

my mom called me sunday night to say that he had stolen all of the money that she had for gas and groceries to get to thru the week...so...guess who has to send my mother money so my 10 year old sister will have lunch money this week?..how pissed am i?...

i feel as if i am enabling him by supporting my mother when he steals from her...what is a daughter to do?